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Success after IF
DavezWife
member
D&C results are in, and other updates.
DavezWife
member
Finally, I got my chromosome test back on the baby: (just the bigger twin lost at 12 weeks, Baby B was kinda self-explantory... slow to thaw & grow, always behind)
Normal baby girl.
holychit, seeing that typed out pours salt into my raw wounds. I kinda expected it to come back normal. And obviously I had a 50/50 chance it was either a boy or girl. (well, aren't more 5 day IVF kids boys? whatevs) But my dreams of having two sisters for Ava are now true. I just didn't specify I wish they were alive, and not dead. ("Harvey" was a girl, too)
Since you've all been a part of this stupid rollercoaster ride, here's the deets as we know them now: (long and boring, you've been warned)
===========================
The jest of things from the past month of doctor's appts, consults, chart reviews, u/s reviews, and discussions with a Peri, OB, RE, u/s techs, a "leading" Immunologist and Dr. Google...
We have NO F UCKING CLUE why my baby died.
We have some ideas...
1) just because, who knows, we'll never know.
or
2) something with that elevated heart rate. Fetal tachycardia is such a broad issue, and has many causes. No cardiac abnomalities were seen on the last u/s, but at just shy of 12 weeks, they would be heard to see, esp in a baby that had died. The blood flow, placenta, etc 3 days prior looked normal in every sense of the word. Immunologist said it would have been odd to have been caused by the steroids. But MY heartrate was elevated by at least 20. It's gone down since I got off the steroids. Dr. Immune also said I was on too high of a dose, of the wrong kind. While he does not know RE/IF stuff, he KNOWS steroids, and how to treat his asthmatic/RA, etc pregnant patients while they're on it. I have a feeling that for every 3 docs that I found that said to take it, I can find 3 more that say don't. :::shrugs::: But he has a "proven" steroid regimine that I can start early, and stay on the entire pregnancy if I want. He's been the 1st doc that I felt "holychit, he can HELP me with this auto-immune stuff." and I'm grateful for him and his nurse, who got me in months before they had an opening for new patients. (going psychotic on a receptionist evidently has it's merits, lol) Depending on our insurance at the time if/when I get pregnant, I may do IVIG infusions for the pregnancy. We might have to just pay $1-2K of the $30K costs if out out-of-pocket max has been met. Which it might be. Otherwise we have this "proven" steroid regimine to try as well.
or
3) My ute/placenta quit. Since I had that "normal" scan 3 days prior to us discovering the death, and it was pretty evident that my body was "evicting" the remains of Baby B (lost 4 weeks earlier) some docs are saying my body thought it was done. It was confused, (steroids mask things) and kinda went into shock once I tapered from them. Baby? What baby? Meh. I dunno. It was a 12 week old baby, that's kinda hard to miss, even for my stupid body.
or
4) My auto-immune issues. I still don't get HOW, but this seems to be most logical, and the opinion of the Immunologist. They have ruled out lupus SLE (great, but now what?) and the repeat labs they did still didn't tell a story. However, once I was done with those steroids, my body has FA-REAKED OUT.... the mild ezcema I've had since age 25 on my scalp and sometimes hands/feet, has gone OUT of control. Like, oozing sores on my scalp, and itching like fire ants enough to make you go mad. I've had a REALLY hard time with it. AND at the same time, this ambiguous gut ache that made no sense, but wouldn't go away. So I go to my acupuncturist, and HE says they're directly related, and my body is freaking at the sudden loss of the estrogen, p4 and steroid use. So that started my google chase on "severe ezcema" and low and behold, it seems that in a raging state, it can seriously mess a body up. HOW it physically can kill a baby? I dunno. Something about T-cells and NKA stuff, and blah blah blah... so I've started probiotics, will attempt to eat more vegs/whole grains, and yeah.... who knows. Interesting tidbit from the immune doc... Ava is not so much of a miracle as we thought (I just about punched him lol) He says my body was just not raging pissed and was calm. I wasn't stimming, I wasn't being pregnant/not pregnant.... my body is angry. It wasn't when we concieved her. that actually makes some sense. I mean, I still have poor ovulation issues, but that's just because I'm old. Maybe. Who knows.
5) any of the above, or some really obscure chromosome thing that testing doesn't pick up. (i.e. have to do PGD/CGH to embies next time. not possible with us d/t money)
So now what?
Well, according to Davez we're adopting. What started as adoption thru the county turned into a temporary state of "private adoption via direct placement" which is a fancy way of saying "we're telling friends & family that we're looking to adopt, and if you hear of a situation, please contact us." If that doesn't work (roll eyes with me) then we'll get situated with an agency. (where will that money come from? no clue) We don't care about getting a caucasian infant, just a fairly healthy child younger than Ava.
According to me? We're using up the rest of our warranty IVF's. We paid for them, might as well use them. I've left my ovaries alone since July, perhaps they've got one more round left in them. I may opt to stim, then freeze for a month, calm my body down, and then attempt a FET again, who knows. I meet with Dr. Sassy soon to discuss. I need to make sure I can mentally go thru this process again without the anxiety, the emotion, the turmoil... I just can't do THAT anymore. So please forgive me if I keep to myself on the status of this, it's just less pressure on my ovaries, ute and all. ;-) Plus I had a dear friend come forward and offer up her ute for 9 months. Something we're seriously considering, but I REALLY want one more shot at being sucessfully pregnant. I can't mourn loosing that right now, I need another chance. In some ways, I feel I "owe" it to my lost babies to do that. I dunno.
Meanwhile, I'm going to be getting set to do short-term respite for medically-fragile foster kids. I can't do foster care, my heart is too shattered to loose more kids. But as a nurse, my skills are greatly needed, and if I can help the angels that DO foster care, well, that will feed my wounded soul for a while. I think if we did it "right" it would be a unique and rewarding experience for Ava, as well....we'll see.....
So that's where things are at.
I have the nerve to ask you all for a little favor...
can we skip the "I'm sorry" bit and just c&p a joke, pour me a drink, or something??? I know you all care, and as we've seen this week, when one of us goes through something really hard, we all hurt, and we all cry. Your support thru all this hell is amazing, I am so grateful for all of you. So I felt obligated to update you. But I can't do more "sorrys", it's just too sad to read. Plus, hello.... most of you know me by now.... I'm an arse in more ways than one, and more stubborn than a 100 of them....
I WILL mother others.
Join us - Commit Random Acts of Kindness, and say
"I did it for Cricket"
This discussion has been closed.
Re: D&C results are in, and other updates.
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He *** his pants, he's disqualified!"
I get where Davez is coming from in wanting to adopt, save you potential heart ache and just get his wife back.
BUT....
I don't know many women who could walk away from pre-paid IVF's.
I'm with you.
Do I need to come whip him into understanding that you're not ready to stop trying yet?
Please keep us updated as you're comfortable. I know you don't want the stress but we'll all be pulling for you even if we don't know exactly if/when you're cycling.
And... check out that IF cure book. Seriously.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I'll share my little brother's favorite joke when he was a kid (it's still my favorite "clean" joke):
Q: Why couldn't the boy see the pirate movie?
A: It was rated ARRRGGHHHH!
Shell, you need to come beat the chit outta him stat. He called to hear the results, and when I was crying (BECAUSE THIS IS SAD!) he said "see, you're not resilient. You can't handle cycling again." EFF him. EFF HIM AGAIN.
I'm so mad. This was MY fault. Not a trisomy, not some weird deformity... MY EFFING FAULT. I really wish he'd tell me how I'm supposed to process that, because evidently I'm not doing it right.
arrgghhh. (that was in disgust, not a pirate growl. lol @Jill.)
Don't drink and really no good jokes so how about a mental image of super hot david boreanaz with no shirt or less if you want
I'm so cracking open a drink when I get home tonight, it's been a day!
I agree with PP- you can't walk away from IVF cycles that you have there ready to use- when you are up to it- I say go for it. As for IVIG or something for auto immune, NK cells- try it- it can't hurt- I know it's expensive, but maybe insurnace will pay for some of it.
As for adoption- all I can tell you is my personal experiences. I COULD NOT move onto adoption until I was done with IVF and all the stuff that came with it. I met with my doctor one more time and when he said " I know I can get your pregnant with IVF, I just don't know how many cycles it will take" (this was already after 1 failed cycle and 1 cycle that was a m/c) at that moment I knew I could walk away from it all- I WAS DONE! When I left that office I knew in my heart I could never come back and be okay with that. That was when we moved onto adoption, and it was so easy- everything fell into place- we knew we were doing the right thing.
So that's my 2 cents- you move on when you are ready- no matter what there is another baby out there for your family- you just don't know where it's coming from at the moment. HUGS and CHEERS!!!!
Oh sweetie.
Time, my dear, time.
Right now he wants to destroy what's hurting you and lock you away so you'll be safe. He knows you hurt and he's somewhat powerless to defend you from said hurt.
In the land of the Howley-marriage this kind of thing takes at least 2 weeks to process. 2 weeks for him to grieve how he needs to. 2 weeks for me to grieve how I need to. 2 weeks for him to remember that I've dealt with some serious cr@p in my life and my answer is always to come back fighting harder.
That's why Davez married you. You're a spit fire. He's shaken because you're shaken. Deep inside he knows you're strong. Take some time and give him a chance to remember just how strong you are.
THEN.... I'll book a flight if he hasn't taken his head out of his @ss.
AND... if the mental image of all 5'3" of me opening a can of whoop @ss on Davez isn't the funniest thing in this thread then you really do need to drink more!!!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
You know my thoughts on next steps...but I'll leave that to you and Davez since I think he could take me in a fight...
As for a joke, pretty much every joke I know came from my dad's book of jokes that was published in the '70's and therefore they are all completely offensive and inappropriate.
How's this?
https://www.dlisted.com/node/40701
(Sorry, it's been a slow celeb news week, this was the most entertaining I could find because of his outfit).
Or DH really enjoyed this one:
https://www.dlisted.com/node/40697
Do you think you could stim, then put some in you and some in your borrowed ute? I mean, in the same cycle? Best case scenario - you'll have "twins" - sort of. As for a joke:
There was an old cowboy who was very excited about his new boots he just bought. He went home to his wife and said, "notice anything?" She looked at him and said "nope!" The cowboy went into the bathroom and stripped down to nothing but his new boots. Walking out of the bathroom he asked his wife, "now do you notice anything?" She looked at him and said - "you're soft - why should I get excited about that?" The cowboy replied "It's looking at my new boots!!!"
Punch line...
"You should have bought a hat."
see, adoption can wait for a couple years. My ovaries cannot. While I would LOVE to believe that we can simply announce we're looking to adopt will actually get us a kid, it's far fetched. BUT we cannot do IVF while signed with most agencies.
AND, just to clarify, any future IVF's are pretty much "free" - it's 3 fresh and all frozen, live baby +30 days. (we pay meds and monitoring) We've done one fresh and one FET... add that up.... it equals what we paid for the warranty. While it sucks to pay for meds, who cares when you're in this deep. As for the IVIG, if I were to get pregnant sooner than later the bulk of IVIG would be paid for, b/c the D&C zapped out our deduct, and we only have a small amt to go until it pays 100% b/c we're passed the OOP max. But we're already looking at a Dec. due date, so we best start soon. Well, my body is not ready. So who knows. clusterfluck.
Yeah, this. We started to move onto adoption after our third IVF failed, but it just felt wrong, as we had previously planned to do four before throwing in the towel. When the fourth failed (was converted to failed IUI, actually), I felt very comfortable moving onto adoption, knowing I would not end up questioning whether we'd done all we could. (Then of course we got pregnant, because as everyone is quick to point out, that's what adoption does). You need to feel done with ART, and at peace with the decision.
Oh, and did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
(sorry)
A man walked into a bar and said "Bartender, call me a taxi", the bartender looked up shrugged and said, "Okay, you're a taxi". Used to make me laugh when I was a little girl...sorry, I am horrible at re-telling jokes so this is the only one I kind of tell correctly
I have no words (and I know that you don't want words but well, you know what I mean). I hurt for you. I honestly do. Sometimes knowing the answers is so bittersweet. The would've, could've, should'ves of it all. What I will say is that men and women are SO SO different. My DH would be acting just like your DH. I know you won't believe me (partly because I have never believed me on this in our own situation) but you are NOT to blame. No way, no how. If you are to blame then I do blame you, for having an adorable, beautiful, sweet Ava. You had her, you will mother others...I know there is not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel right now but I am hoping that you will see fireworks soon!
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
There were once two friends, Bob and Nate, who lived on a far-off planet in a city encased in a bubble. They were the best of friends. One day, Bob was riding his bike through town. He picked up speed, going faster and faster. Suddenly, he saw, up ahead in the road, his friend Nate was crossing the street. If he didn't swerve, he would run over Nate. But when he looked to the right he saw that if he did swerve, he would run into a giant lever that, when pressed, would blow up the whole city in a bubble and destroy everyone.
So, Bob continued full steam ahead and ran right over his friend Nate.
"Well," he said. "Better Nate than lever."
Courtesy of one of my high school science teachers.
Tonight I wish we were all:
partying here
and drinking lots of
Spending some quality time with and his boys
and recovering tomorrow here
I used to think I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, now I realize it's just oncoming trains ;-)
So this mushroom walks into the bar. Bartender says "NO BEER FOR YOU!" Mushroom says "why not, I'm a fungi!" (get it, FUN GUY, fungi, fungus.... bbrrha!)
Ah, nevermind. ;-)
The "hey friends and family anyone have a kid" while unlikely to work is reaaalllllyyy touchy. I once got an email FWD of a profile of a couple. Please if you do go this route tread carefully.
The nurse/foster care sounds wonderful!!
Most importantly this is NOT your fault!!!! Hang in there lady!!
Um, yes please.
Cheers, DW. Thinking of you as I finish this beer.
what's irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Paddy O'Furniture!
(and yes, you WILL mother others!)
bottoms up!
2 infertiles' journey to 2 pink lines (and a baby girl)
"our IF story"
uugh. that would suck. My mother, of all people, forwarded one from a SIL's friend that said "if you know of anyone with a spare baby", OMG, she got ripped across the coals for that. Hence why they won't be passing our info on, ;-)
on another note... EmmyLou is winning with the best idea for the eve..... ;-)
I had to read this a bunch of times, then out loud to get it. Then, I felt like an idiot. LOL!!!
So this guy walks into a bar.
He says, "ow."
. . .
. . .
Is this thing on?
My husband told me the corniest joke..
What is better than seafood? Eatfood!
He shouldn't quit his day job
No good jokes to share. I can sure as heck pour you a stiff drink...
Sooo, I'm thinking of a joke but, I've got nothing at the moment. I've had a LITTLE drink tonight
I'll pour one for my homie (that's you
)
I have a friend who was not super private about her IF issues (we met on here and live close:) ) and word of mouth got around (at the time they were not done with ART (IVF & FETs) anyway, somebody knew somebody who knew somebody who was looking into placing their child with a family for adoption and the asked my friend and her DH if they wanted to parent the child. Because it was not something they had thought about at the time the went away for the weekend and talked about it and decided it was something they wanted to do. We were at the same hospital at the same time (they left the day Isabel was born) becoming parents:) That's my cool little word of mouth story
We are here to support you in what ever you decided to do to grow your family. Ditto Shelly and other in ref to your DH, he's over seeing his wife (his tough wife) hurting soooo bad.
love you for your words, and yup, I cannot imagine being married to me right now. He says it's not my fault, but you all know how this goes. That was my baby. I was responsible for growing her. And I failed at that.
Again.
He told me tonite to stop being so effing strong. WTF is that?
Funny sidebar... one of the things I teach Ava is to put words to her feelings, and suggestions of what to do about it. We both often say things like "arrrghhhh! I'm frustrated! I need help!" and I help her get her snowpants on straight. (etc.)
Well tonite she overheard our secret attempts of fighting in the laundry room. (Davez said some dik'ish things) She comes in, and says "Momma, go like dis: ffffffbbbpppooooootttttt, feeetttttttttt" and breathes deep thru her pursed lips. Just like I taught her. She grabs 'me cheeks, and says "you're my best" and walks away asking Uncle Bloopers if he's seen her dino(saur). She's been saying that "You're my best" thing for a while, but I can't tell you what it really means. Best mom? best friend? best mac & cheese maker? what? But you know, in the minds of a toddler, she just knows I'm good at something. Holychit, it's nice to hear, even from the mouths of babes.
thank you to those that help me get thru tonite. I PPH you.
A good "watch."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv3tadz5Q3o
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
Sounds perfect to me!!! LOVE you T!
I will make us a few of these. They look and taste yummy, and they get me drunk quickly. Sound good?
You can subtract like 5-6 views for me, I kept clicking before and it wasn't working. :-P
So anyway, this sucks, but you know that. Without further ado, my submission: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M make sure Ava's in bed before you watch it, lol
First... a joke. I've posted this before, sorry if you've heard it:
A wife trying to spice up her love life buys a pair of crotchless panties. Her husband comes home to find her sprawled across the bed. She says, "Hey, honey, want some of this?" And he says, "Hell no! Look at what it did to your panties!!"
Second... word of mouth adoptions absolutely can happen. Just like a PP said, I know a friend who had IF trouble and someone that someone that they knew needed to place a baby and she now has a 2 year old little boy. It does happen, I know it's rare, but it CAN happen. They didn't advertise though, it just kind of happened for them.
Third.... if I had a uterus (which I don't) and more "free" attempts, NOTHING would stop me from trying again. I know you've been through the ringer. And I get where Daves is coming from, but you still have hope...even if it only looks like a train now. There could be fireworks in your future!
Hang in there, lady! I'm rooting for you.
eff yeh.
OMG, do you guys know how much work it takes to jack up post counts? holy chit, I've just about broken my finger off trying to hit 5000 before the F5 bastad gets me there. It's exhausting. lol. I'm parched. Beer anyone? Margs? just eff it and hit the patron straight from the bottle?
um, ok. ::::swig::::: ::::::resumes refreshing game:::::::
F5 bandit, not cool.
ok, couldn't think of a joke, but thought I'd buy you a nice bottle of wine to drown your sorrows.
I'll just have my boyfriend run it over.
Enjoy!