SAHM = Unemployed?! Advice on a better way to handle this

PiscesFish · February 2011

I am a "special snowflake"-ish SAHM, we are expecting my first child (currently overdue), and left my job at the beginning of my last tri due to some pregnancy complications. Basically, there was too much travel and too long hours/too much stress for my job to be considered safe for me to do while pregnant. DH and I decided it wasn't a mom-friendly enough job/industry, and that I would be home for at least a year with the baby.

The issue I am having is (and we changed OB's after I left my job), I am tired of people putting "unemployed" on my medical and hospital forms as for what I do for a living! It's happened a few times, but I kind of hit my boiling point last week, when I had to check into the hospital briefly to have some monitoring done.

The intake nurse put "unemployed" on my paperwork when I told her I was a SAHM, then some other lady came into the room who started asking me stuff like does my house have heat, am I on WIC, am I being physically abused at home, do I have a car, etc. I felt like that person was trying to imply that we were indigent and/or otherwise unable to provide a good home for our child. I ended up telling her to stop implying these things about my family, unless she wanted a lawsuit. As the unemployment rate is in the double digits in this metro area, surely the hospital can't flag EVERYONE who doesn't work outside the home?!

We are not the Trumps, but that said... My husband has a very good job, we have assets (home, IRA, 401ks, CDs, two late model cars that we own outright, etc). Not to sound like a snob either, but we do dress and carry ourselves as the educated, professional, responsible 30-something adults that we are.

Needless to say, I am not looking forward to much of my next stay in that hospital.

But in the future - is there a more effective way to correct someone when they say that SAHM = unemployed? To me, unemployed has a negative connotation... I don't feel like I deserve that attached to me, when the reason I SAH is my DH and I decided this is best for our family for the present.

[Poll]

robinsokj · February 2011

Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2011

Those questions were over the top and would have offended me, too. But, as far as the government is concerned, you aren't earning a paycheck and therefore you are not employed.

aggiewife22 · February 2011

I worked in a hospital for over 4 years in the admitting department and I can tell you that there isn't a SAHM option for the employer in the computer system. That being said, the hospital I worked at had a comment section under employer so I always added housewife or SAHM in the comments section. Also, the questions you were asked are standard questions by nurses. They have to ask about abuse and if you have a home etc to make sure that you are safe and if you need any assistance. Some people come into the hospital and have no idea where to get help and a nurse or doctor can have a social worker come in and talk to that patient and get them the help they need. I really don't think it had anything to do with you being a SAHM.

EnglishMajor03 · February 2011

robinsokj:
Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.

Yeah. I'm confused by that choice. If H employed me I'd get a check, which I don't...so a) he is not my employer and b) I am unemployed.

ali-1411 · February 2011

Aggiewife22:
I worked in a hospital for over 4 years in the admitting department and I can tell you that there isn't a SAHM option for the employer in the computer system. That being said, the hospital I worked at had a comment section under employer so I always added housewife or SAHM in the comments section. Also, the questions you were asked are standard questions by nurses. They have to ask about abuse and if you have a home etc to make sure that you are safe and if you need any assistance. Some people come into the hospital and have no idea where to get help and a nurse or doctor can have a social worker come in and talk to that patient and get them the help they need. I really don't think it had anything to do with you being a SAHM.

Ditto. I took DS into the ER once because I thought he was having an allergic reaction to a bee sting. A social worker came to visit us and asked a lot of questions.

Its just something they do. They can't catch every abuse case out there but at least they are making an effort.

And yeah. Technically, a sahm is unemployed.

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2011

Aggiewife22:
I worked in a hospital for over 4 years in the admitting department and I can tell you that there isn't a SAHM option for the employer in the computer system. That being said, the hospital I worked at had a comment section under employer so I always added housewife or SAHM in the comments section. Also, the questions you were asked are standard questions by nurses. They have to ask about abuse and if you have a home etc to make sure that you are safe and if you need any assistance. Some people come into the hospital and have no idea where to get help and a nurse or doctor can have a social worker come in and talk to that patient and get them the help they need. I really don't think it had anything to do with you being a SAHM.

I have never been asked these questions at a hospital.

PiscesFish · February 2011

robinsokj:
Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.

Not looking for a fight, but I'm not sure why this would be offensive? From the perspective of, he is the source of my health insurance, living expenses, etc... he kind of is. I'm not collecting UE, Medicaid, Welfare, etc.

I get that no paycheck = unemployed, but at the same time, I felt like the hospital staff's questions were extremely inappropriate, and assumed far too much. It's not so much that "job/paycheck/things I can by with former = status" in my eyes, but my husband does earn enough money that we can afford to have me SAH, granted without all the little "extras" we had before, but we are far, far from going hungry or relying on government assistance. I'd explained to the hospital staff that I'd had a high-stress, high-travel, etc job that didn't dovetail with pregnancy and being a mom to a newborn, so I'd left. It's not at all unusual for women in my industry to do change fields once they become mothers.

And for a hospital worker to ask if I was being physically abused, seemingly due to a lack of paycheck, was over the top for me.

Those of you who do run into this, is there a better way to handle it? I get that some SAHMs get the side eye and I'm comfortable with that, but being treated like I am somehow less able to provide my child a good home (by someone presumably affiliated with Social Services) I cannot tolerate.

EnglishMajor03 · February 2011

Mrs.Hizzo:
Aggiewife22:
I worked in a hospital for over 4 years in the admitting department and I can tell you that there isn't a SAHM option for the employer in the computer system. That being said, the hospital I worked at had a comment section under employer so I always added housewife or SAHM in the comments section. Also, the questions you were asked are standard questions by nurses. They have to ask about abuse and if you have a home etc to make sure that you are safe and if you need any assistance. Some people come into the hospital and have no idea where to get help and a nurse or doctor can have a social worker come in and talk to that patient and get them the help they need. I really don't think it had anything to do with you being a SAHM.
I have never been asked these questions at a hospital.

Really? When they admitted me to L&D with both girls they asked the "are you safe" questions. I was in the middle of contractions and wanted to tell them that they weren't safe- don't worry about me I've also been in the ER twice and was asked those questions as well. Maybe it depends on the hospital.

robinsokj · February 2011

PiscesFish:
robinsokj:
Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.
Not looking for a fight, but I'm not sure why this would be offensive? From the perspective of, he is the source of my health insurance, living expenses, etc... he kind of is. I'm not collecting UE, Medicaid, Welfare, etc.
I get that no paycheck = unemployed, but at the same time, I felt like the hospital staff's questions were extremely inappropriate, and assumed far too much. It's not so much that "job/paycheck/things I can by with former = status" in my eyes, but my husband does earn enough money that we can afford to have me SAH, granted without all the little "extras" we had before, but we are far, far from going hungry or relying on government assistance. I'd explained to the hospital staff that I'd had a high-stress, high-travel, etc job that didn't dovetail with pregnancy and being a mom to a newborn, so I'd left. It's not at all unusual for women in my industry to do change fields once they become mothers.
And for a hospital worker to ask if I was being physically abused, seemingly due to a lack of paycheck, was over the top for me.
Those of you who do run into this, is there a better way to handle it? I get that some SAHMs get the side eye and I'm comfortable with that, but being treated like I am somehow less able to provide my child a good home (by someone presumably affiliated with Social Services) I cannot tolerate.

It wasn't a personal attack by the hospital staff. They were just following protocol. I think you need to simply be not so sensitive about it.

EnglishMajor03 · February 2011

PiscesFish:
robinsokj:
Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.
Not looking for a fight, but I'm not sure why this would be offensive? From the perspective of, he is the source of my health insurance, living expenses, etc... he kind of is. I'm not collecting UE, Medicaid, Welfare, etc.
I get that no paycheck = unemployed, but at the same time, I felt like the hospital staff's questions were extremely inappropriate, and assumed far too much. It's not so much that "job/paycheck/things I can by with former = status" in my eyes, but my husband does earn enough money that we can afford to have me SAH, granted without all the little "extras" we had before, but we are far, far from going hungry or relying on government assistance. I'd explained to the hospital staff that I'd had a high-stress, high-travel, etc job that didn't dovetail with pregnancy and being a mom to a newborn, so I'd left. It's not at all unusual for women in my industry to do change fields once they become mothers.
And for a hospital worker to ask if I was being physically abused, seemingly due to a lack of paycheck, was over the top for me.
Those of you who do run into this, is there a better way to handle it? I get that some SAHMs get the side eye and I'm comfortable with that, but being treated like I am somehow less able to provide my child a good home (by someone presumably affiliated with Social Services) I cannot tolerate.

I'm sorry you felt that way. Truly. But can't you see how great it is that your hospital has these systems in place for those who don't know where to get help and who need it- ESPECIALLY for those who might be physically, sexually or mentally abused at home? It may have cost you a bit of your pride but I'd much rather get this question 1,000 times than have nurses or intake workers bend to my sensitivities about being "unemployed" or a SAHM.

PiscesFish · February 2011

Mrs.Hizzo:

Neither have I. And between a chronic medical condition and being an extreme klutz, I've seen my fair share of hospital rooms and ERs. :-P

I feel somewhat better to hear that they're standard in so many places though. It was more a bad gut feeling I got from that lady, but I'm generally cynical and misanthropic, so there you go.

Daisy77 · February 2011

While I definitely work at home (both as a mom and with our business) I am unemployed. I don't receive a paycheck, a W-2, 1099, etc. It drives me crazy that our tax guy lists me as a "Homemaker" (1950s anyone? Lol), but there really isn't another option. I'm not making a home, I have a home. But "Home-runner/operator/grand pooh bah" just sounds silly for tax purposes.

As for the questions, I have been asked those at prenatal appointments and at my non-pg annual exams. In our clinic it's standard procedure, working mom or not. It's not a super extensive list but they do inquire in case you do need help.

christelrn · February 2011

Most hospitals intake forms/systems do not have a SAHM option. So if not employed = unemployed. I briefly did some contract work in between jobs (full time hours and was identified as unemployed on a similar intake form, lol). In the last 5 hospitals I've worked in, EVERYONE - employed, not employed, SAHM, EVERYONE is asked those questions. They are mandatory & are for screening, aide & protection.

I'd just let it roll off. Tell them you are a SAHM or on maternity leave - if they put unemployed don't take it personally.

PiscesFish · February 2011

EnglishMajor03:
I'm sorry you felt that way. Truly. But can't you see how great it is that your hospital has these systems in place for those who don't know where to get help and who need it- ESPECIALLY for those who might be physically, sexually or mentally abused at home? It may have cost you a bit of your pride but I'd much rather get this question 1,000 times than have nurses or intake workers bend to my sensitivities about being "unemployed" or a SAHM.

Of course it's great, and those abusees should be helped with their abusers brought to justice! But to ask me several times (rephrasing the question) if my home has heat, or if I get three meals a day? Either hook me up to a polygraph and be done with it, or take my word for it the first or second time, you know?

Glad to hear I likely won't have DSS pounding at my door though, for my decision not to travel 5 days a week, and work many weekends, with a newborn.

august06mom · February 2011

I think if you have this much free time to get upset about this, you should get a job.

emathis2 · February 2011

I know what questions you are talking about and I was asked those as well at both of the OBG/midwife offices I went to while preg. That is a rountine thing that is done for EVERYONE to make sure that the parents can provide a good home for the baby and to provide assistance to those who need help. I was employed when I was asked those questions. They are not stereotyping you for being unemployed and who cares if they are. You are lucky to be in a situation where you can be home so who cares what others think. I can't imagine that the hospital would treat you any different. I'm pretty sure while they are providing your care they don't look at your occupation. The only possible time where I could see different care being provided would be if you were on WIC etc but even then they should treat everyone equally.

madalynnsmommy09 · February 2011

I always answer homemaker. There is SAHW too, so just because you don't have a baby means NOTHING.

emathis2 · February 2011

Mrs.Hizzo:

Aggiewife22:
I worked in a hospital for over 4 years in the admitting department and I can tell you that there isn't a SAHM option for the employer in the computer system. That being said, the hospital I worked at had a comment section under employer so I always added housewife or SAHM in the comments section. Also, the questions you were asked are standard questions by nurses. They have to ask about abuse and if you have a home etc to make sure that you are safe and if you need any assistance. Some people come into the hospital and have no idea where to get help and a nurse or doctor can have a social worker come in and talk to that patient and get them the help they need. I really don't think it had anything to do with you being a SAHM.

I have never been asked these questions at a hospital.

I have been asked twice. It is a routine thing that pregnant woman are asked- at least in my area it is.

Jolaine83 · February 2011

robinsokj:
Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.

I prefer not to think of DH as my employer, since I don't work for him. I work for my family. DH is simply my sugar daddy. Stick out tongue

Otherwise, OP, I was in the same situation as you, but I quit at 22 weeks instead of at the beginning of 3rd tri. People will judge. But probably not as harshly as you think since I'm sure you are obviously pregnant. If you are truly bothered, make it clear that you became a SAHM early.

There is nothing shameful in it. I made the choice because I got finally got tired of having to explain to my female boss (who was a mother herself) why I couldn't get up on a tall ladder and clean off the ceiling of my classroom at 20 weeks. When people asked why I quit so early, I tell them that I decided a relaxing few months at home to prepare for my baby was preferable to a job that asked more of me physically than I was willing to do.

Just remember, soon enough, you'll have that little bundled up proof that you are staying home for a reason.

PiscesFish · February 2011

august06mom:
I think if you have this much free time to get upset about this, you should get a job.

Yeah. As stated, bouncing in and out of hospitals due to being 41 weeks PG. But thanks for logging in today.

To the rest of you - :-) Gracias. This is good info.

wifeandmama · February 2011

Who cares? Really? And husband is your employer - whaaaaat??? That is the oddest thing I've heard all day.

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2011

EnglishMajor03:
Mrs.Hizzo:
Aggiewife22:
I worked in a hospital for over 4 years in the admitting department and I can tell you that there isn't a SAHM option for the employer in the computer system. That being said, the hospital I worked at had a comment section under employer so I always added housewife or SAHM in the comments section. Also, the questions you were asked are standard questions by nurses. They have to ask about abuse and if you have a home etc to make sure that you are safe and if you need any assistance. Some people come into the hospital and have no idea where to get help and a nurse or doctor can have a social worker come in and talk to that patient and get them the help they need. I really don't think it had anything to do with you being a SAHM.
I have never been asked these questions at a hospital.
Really? When they admitted me to L&D with both girls they asked the "are you safe" questions. I was in the middle of contractions and wanted to tell them that they weren't safe- don't worry about me I've also been in the ER twice and was asked those questions as well. Maybe it depends on the hospital.

This made me lol.

No, truly, I haven't been asked anything like that, ever. And I was in the hospital while hugely pregnant on a few occasions, aside from when I was there to give birth. I find it a bit odd that asking all women if they are homeless and being beaten is apparently SOP, unless the reason they are admitted is indicative of such.

On a related note, though, the time I was in the ER to get my wrist stitched because I cut it on a broken glass at work, I had no fewer than four different people grill me about whether I was suicidal.

deadpoetsociety · February 2011

wow, someone is just a LITTLE insecure lololz!

I am prettty sure they ask those questions (are you abused etc...) to ALL pregnant women. I know I got some form I had to fill out with similar questions and I was working. Why not carry a sign around saying "i have money tyvm" god, get over it!

PiscesFish · February 2011

deadpoetsociety:
wow, someone is just a LITTLE insecure lololz!

LOLOLZ?! Yeah...

Nope, I'm actually really comfortable with my choices, stoked to not be working for those nutcases any longer, and looking forward to my child's arrival. I'm a mom, that means I'm a bad mom in someone's eyes no matter what I do.

The problem for me comes when someone in a position to wreak havoc in my family's life - such as a social worker - starts with judgements and such, is when it becomes uncomfortable.

EnglishMajor03 · February 2011

PiscesFish:
EnglishMajor03:
I'm sorry you felt that way. Truly. But can't you see how great it is that your hospital has these systems in place for those who don't know where to get help and who need it- ESPECIALLY for those who might be physically, sexually or mentally abused at home? It may have cost you a bit of your pride but I'd much rather get this question 1,000 times than have nurses or intake workers bend to my sensitivities about being "unemployed" or a SAHM.
Of course it's great, and those abusees should be helped with their abusers brought to justice! But to ask me several times (rephrasing the question) if my home has heat, or if I get three meals a day? Either hook me up to a polygraph and be done with it, or take my word for it the first or second time, you know?
Glad to hear I likely won't have DSS pounding at my door though, for my decision not to travel 5 days a week, and work many weekends, with a newborn.

LOL! Sorry, that part made me laugh!!

august06mom · February 2011

PiscesFish:
deadpoetsociety:

wow, someone is just a LITTLE insecure lololz!

LOLOLZ?! Yeah...

Nope, I'm actually really comfortable with my choices, stoked to not be working for those nutcases any longer, and looking forward to my child's arrival. I'm a mom, that means I'm a bad mom in someone's eyes no matter what I do.

The problem for me comes when someone in a position to wreak havoc in my family's life - such as a social worker - starts with judgements and such, is when it becomes uncomfortable.

I'm confused. How exactly has havoc been wreaked upon your life? The nurse asked you a few -- extremely typical -- questions. Has DSS appeared on your doostep?

MAprincess · February 2011

amy052006:
august06mom:
PiscesFish:
deadpoetsociety:

wow, someone is just a LITTLE insecure lololz!

LOLOLZ?! Yeah...

Nope, I'm actually really comfortable with my choices, stoked to not be working for those nutcases any longer, and looking forward to my child's arrival. I'm a mom, that means I'm a bad mom in someone's eyes no matter what I do.

The problem for me comes when someone in a position to wreak havoc in my family's life - such as a social worker - starts with judgements and such, is when it becomes uncomfortable.

I'm confused. How exactly has havoc been wreaked upon your life? The nurse asked you a few -- extremely typical -- questions. Has DSS appeared on your doostep?

It is not a judgment. Trust me, I'm sure the last thing the poor working social worker wants to deal with is your attitude. But it is her job to deal with you.

Not to be late to the party, but I was employed (in an office) during both of my pregnancies and births and I still got all of these questions. It is protocol in all hospitals, though it sounds like some drop the ball. And yes, they ask you multiple times to ensure you are being honest. They don't have time to sit with you for hours and determine you are comfortably middle class and in a loving, supportive marriage. They err on the side of safety, and I was not at all insulted that they asked me these questions. As a (former) psychologist, it is a step in the right direction. If asking me these questions 1000 times saves another woman and child from an abusive or otherwise unsafe situation, then so be it.

FWIW, when I was admitted to the ER once and was visibly pregnant, they asked me if I drank or did any drugs. I laughed but answered the question. It is their job to ask these questions of everyone. I didn't take it to mean they thought I personally was drinking or doing drugs while pregnant.

evesims07 · February 2011

Mrs.Hizzo:
Those questions were over the top and would have offended me, too. But, as far as the government is concerned, you aren't earning a paycheck and therefore you are not employed.

With WIC and other services, it's not meant to be an offending question. I was asked at most appointments if I was "safe at home" and it's in an effort to screen for domestic violence and offer assistance if needed. Now, if the interviewer was asking and implying and pushing the issue is another thing altogether. I almost told off a NP at my first doc appointment when she asked if I drink, smoke, use drugs and I said no to all and said I have never smoked or used drugs, and she just looked at me hard and told me "Well, okay. Don't start. Are you sure you've stopped?" Lady, I never have!

missliz01 · February 2011

KateB1984:
robinsokj:
Technically you're unemployed. I hate that you put "your husband is your employer" as a choice.
This.
I WAH now a bit, so I go by that for employment, but before I started WAH, I would check SAHM if it was an option, but if it was just 'homemaker' or 'unemployed' I would pick unemployed.
I am not employed by an employer. I choose that and I'm not ashamed of it. And my husband is my partner, not my employer.
ETA: I saw your reasoning on your husband being your employer. For a while when DH started his own business, he was bringing in no money. We lived off of my money, he was on my extended medical and dental. He was 'self-employed' because his job wasn't to work under me. You may be a dependent of your DH, but my kids are my dependents and I don't employ them. They're my family, not my employees.

Very importantly, this.

Also, I will add that my OB's office and the hospital asked the same kinds of questions on the forms I filled out about the abuse and WIC, etc. and I was working full time at that point. I agree with some of the other PP in thinking that it's just a standard thing. I would try not to let it get to you too much, though I know sometimes that's easier said than done!

JOEBunny · February 2011

My dad retired at 46. He always says he is unemployed and unemployable.

deadpoetsociety · February 2011

Do you think it's better that they only ask these questions if you "look" like you should be asked? you are hilarious!!

eaglesfan700 · February 2011

I am no social worker, but I would think that someone reacting angrily would be a red flag. I got asked all of these questions and simply answered "no". it didn't even occur to me to be offended or feel judged

I would just let it go. I would be WAY more irritated at someone saying I worked for my H rather than being unemployed. As a pp said, my H and I are partners

ericanandy · February 2011

PiscesFish:
does my house have heat, am I on WIC, am I being physically abused at home, do I have a car, etc.

In the state of PA it's a requirement to ask these questions or questions of the sort. My OB asks at our first appt, at the hospital intake, and at my 6 week appt. It's a safety/resource thing.

memali26 · February 2011

Jolaine83:
I prefer not to think of DH as my employer, since I don't work for him. I work for my family. DH is simply my sugar daddy.

Love this Wink

And OP, I can see why you might be upset at being called unemployed, but really, that is what you are. As PP said, there really isn't a box to check for SAHM. If there is one for homemaker I usually check that over unemployed, but since my job pays me in hugs and wiping snot on my pants instead of a paycheck, I am unemployed.

Also, I don't remember being asked those types of questions when admitted to the hospital, but they aren't anything to be offended about. They are looking for people who need help - people in abusive situations, people who may be having a tough time providing for their family, etc. Just try to enjoy your last days of pregnancy and don't worry about little things like questions on a hospital admittance form.

susanmosley · February 2011

I haven't read replies yet, but WHO CARES!? I am not seeing why you are letting yourself get so beat up about this. You are unemployed - you are not an employee of anyone or any business, right? Why in the world is this so bothersome to you? What if the hospital worker thinks you are a XYZ? It doesn't matter. WHO CARES?! Especially if you are not. Sorry to be kind of rude, but I hope you can settle down about this and find something else to worry about. Maybe I am missing something. I will reread.

Andrewsgal · February 2011

I think if you are this stressed out about questions from a hospital staff parenting a child will without a doubt throw you for a major loop.

We were asked all these questions several times when DD was in the NICU, I ended them simply with "MY DH is an aerospace engineer and has a wonderful job" Why would I be offended?

I am so telling DH tonight that he is my employer, he will get a kick out of that one.

susanmosley · February 2011

My mom was in the hospital last week. We were amused by the parade of people coming in doing their job - which includes social work type people asking about her needs/safety at home. It is not personal, it is policy. And it is really sad that many people answer yes to those questions - maybe that is what you should be up in arms about - the fact that so many people aren't safe, don't have people to help them, etc.

susanmosley · February 2011

Lastly, she wasn't judging you. She was asking questions on a list. Although I am sure she was a caring woman, I am positive that she was at work doing her job, not really really consumed in your status. I don't think she was really giving you nearly as much thought as you were thinking.

babypuplove · February 2011

I visited the hospital several times during my two pregnancies, and was never once asked any of those types of questions.

lizz00344 · February 2011

It's procedure to ask you those questions, including the number of times and the way they ask them. We did this all the time when I worked in the medical field and I was asked the same when I was admitted for L&D. There's not a person in the field who really gives a sh!t what you put for employment. As long as you're not getting slapped around, you're not on drugs and you're going to pay them for their services, they could care less. That's the cold hard truth- no one cares. It's routine, like asking how tall you are and your address.

You're overreacting. If this is the biggest thing that's going to make your hospital stay unpleasant than you're going to get blindsided when your baby finally does come. You're unemployed. Period. Get ready for parenting and stop worrying about the trivial BS.

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