Hello, let me introduce myself first..
For the first 30 years of my life, everything was smooth and worry-free. I was my parents’ most beloved child, found my true love in college, and happily married him after graduation.
At work, I was my boss’s most valued employee. Whenever I was in charge of a project, colleagues would inevitably say, “Oh, then I’m totally at ease.” I was constantly named “Employee of the Year,” with generous bonuses every year.
Later, I started my own business. Within just three months, I had broken into the market and started making money. By the fifth month, I was earning twice my previous salary. Growth was steady month after month. Right when the business needed more hands, I serendipitously met an amazing partner, and the company reached a whole new level.
Really, it seemed like at every step, whatever I needed, a pair of hands would always place it right in front of me, just in time.
My Two Girls: Ellie & Mia
Meet Ellie, My Firstborn
In 2020, my husband and I decided to have a child. After trying for over a year, we finally got the news in 2021 that a little one was on the way. In 2022, we welcomed our first child, Ellie. She made me a mother.
She is utterly adorable—big eyes, rosy skin, chubby little hands. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but give her a kiss. She is pure joy, and I love her more each day.
But as a first-time mom, I faced unprecedented difficulties. The postpartum tearing wouldn’t heal, and the pain was excruciating. Clogged milk ducts made my breasts hard as rocks. The severe sleep deprivation… And what was even more crushing was that, with zero parenting experience, I was clueless when faced with her unexplained wailing, night terrors, refusal to nurse, constipation, diarrhea, fevers… I desperately searched online, longing for one accurate, truly useful answer!
It was during this time that I thought, once I make it through this “dark” path, I must leave a light on for other new moms.
And Then Came Mia
Ellie had just turned one when I got pregnant again. In 2024, we welcomed our second daughter, Mia.
Completely different from Ellie, Mia is a great eater and sleeper. Although she had her fussy moments in the first two months, starting almost from month three, she became super easygoing. She feeds on schedule, gradually sleeps through the night, loves her solid foods, and adapted quickly when I had to stop breastfeeding due to mastitis.
This made me realize just how vastly different babies can be! It made me even more determined to write about my experiences.
Why I Had to Start This Blog
The Catalyst: A Life Pivoted
After Mia was born, my business also began to decline sharply. I had no choice but to close it and become a full-time mom. My work no longer involves Excel and Word, but instead revolves around changing diapers, washing bottles, making baby food, and managing household chores…
This has been a monumental challenge for me. All my past achievements seem irrelevant now. Managing two young children has brought me a sense of frustration I’ve never known before.
The Daily Reality
They are always fighting over things. When one is in my arms, the other immediately demands to be held too. When I try to cook, Ellie wants me to read her a book. When I attempt to load the washing machine, Mia has a diaper blowout, and I must drop everything to change her…
By the time I finish all that, I see the cup of hot coffee on the table has gone cold again. And it’s not until evening that I remember, “Oh my goodness, the clothes are still in the hamper, unwashed!”
Of course, being a mom is filled with happiness, but that doesn’t negate how hard it is.
My Promise to You
Because I’ve walked this path myself, I won’t just tell you how joyful motherhood is, like many websites do. I want to share my real, unfiltered experiences so every new mom can find a “companion” here.
I want to tell you: you are not alone. What you’re going through, I’ve been there too. Your breakdowns, your helplessness, your moments of losing control—I’ve had them all. You don’t need to feel guilty. This is just a small, necessary stretch of the journey for every mom.
My Hope for This Space
I really want to share my parenting experiences—not just the warm, glowing moments, but to honestly document the pitfalls I’ve stumbled into, the tears I’ve shed, and the “survival wisdom” I’ve scraped together in utter exhaustion.
The Goal: A Mom’s Toolkit
I hope this blog becomes a “mom’s toolkit,” filled not with vague theories, but with:
- Practical Tips: Like how to quickly figure out why a baby is crying, tried-and-true methods for dealing with clogged ducts, or how to efficiently manage the daily grind with twins (or two under two) solo.
- Pitfall Avoidance Guides: Sharing the baby products I regret buying the most, and those “game-changer” parenting hacks. Letting you know which parenting anxieties you can let go of, and which principles are worth holding onto.
- A Community for Moms: I hope my stories connect me with more moms like you. We can cheer each other on in the comments, share our own tricks, turning the storms we face alone into a journey we walk together.
The Bigger Vision
My previous career taught me to analyze data, solve problems, and optimize processes. Now, I’m applying all those skills to this new “position” of Mom. I want to prove that a mom’s value is absolutely not confined to the home. The mindset, resilience, and creativity we built in our careers can shine just as brightly—perhaps even brighter—in this more complex, long-term “project” of raising humans, and can even be transformed into a force that helps others.
My hope is simple: that every mom who opens this blog can let out a sigh of relief and say, “So it’s not just me.” Then, she can find a bit of practical info, a dose of comforting solidarity, and return to her sweet, chaotic mom-life with a little more confidence and a little less weight on her shoulders.
This road? Let’s walk it together.
Re: Is it normal to feel like this?
I hope it's normal, because I feel like that.
Whenever I hear of someone's perfect, beautiful birth... yes, I'm happy for them. But I'm still pretty bitter about my own horrific birthing experience.
I think it's normal to feel that way! My friend had twins at home (one was even breech) last year and then lectured me about how this pregnancy I should have a homebirth because then "I wouldn't have complications that clearly the Dr brought on with my last one" (I, too, had an emergency c-section due to severe pre-e with my first at just 27 wks). So not only am I jealous of people who breeze through natural term births, but in her case I also wanted to scream and shake her because no amount of explanation seemed to make her understand that my c-section wasn't preventable (and was actually preferable given the size and health of my baby at the time) and that no Dr "made" me get pre-e.
I have moved past feeling like a failure over my first early delivery, but it took a while. However, if I go to term this time with no pre-e complications and still end up with a c-section just because of failure to progress or overly zealous Drs, then I think I will be very upset again :
This is me! From the time of DS1's birth until I actually had a VBAC with DS2, every time someone I knew had a straight-forward vaginal birth (both my SILs are in the "push for 20 minutes and the baby pops out!" camp of birthing), it honestly would upset me to the point of tears. The worst was when my sister had an HBAC seven weeks before my DS2 was born, I was so excited for her, but I was just that much more stressed out about my own upcoming birth.
I think the worst part of reacting the way I did was that I felt like such a jerk for getting so upset about other women's births - in the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't be a huge deal, but it was to me. Sigh.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I think it is natural to feel a little envious when someone else has the birth experience that we dream of. I didn't have an exceptionally difficult birth with DD, just a long induction followed by a c-section. It could have been a lot worse, and I realize that, it just wasn't how I wanted things to go. Now everytime one of my friends goes into labor on their own, has a short labor and a vaginal birth (which seems to all of my friends) I go through a few fleeting moments of pouting and complaining to DH that its "not fair." Then I get super excited for my friend and focus on what I can do differently in my next pregnancy to have a different outcome. I think that feeling this way is common, but if you are dwelling on it, then that is not healthy for you. I think that doing all the research you can to prepare for a VBAC next time would be helpful, though you could also consider meeting with a counselor to help you prepare emotionally for what could happy with your next delivery. Congrats and your pregnancy and good luck!
ETA: I just wanted to add that admittedly, it used to bother me more, but I think time/distance has healed some of those feelings and I do worry that they will come back in full force once I am pregnant again.
For some women all they care about is the end result, a healthy child. For some, labor was so traumatic that they were grateful for their c/s. For some of us, myself included, we want it all. I get so upset when I hear of others having their child vaginally b/c that is the experience that I wanted...even dreamed of for over 9 months.
I am not currently pregnant but I completely understand where you are coming from. I am so torn about my next possible LO. I am so afraid that the delivery of my next child will result in a c/s that I'm not sure there will be another. On the other hand I desperately want the chance to have a VBAC and I have always wanted 2 or more children. DS was born 6 months ago and I still want to cry every time I think of his delivery...I don't know that this feeling will ever go away but do feel like a VBAC would help me recover emotionally.
The way you feel is completely understandable. I still get jealous whenever I hear of someone having an easy vaginal delivery, especially if it's their first baby. I'm jealous of second timers who don't have the VBAC cloud hanging over them. It makes me feel horrible that I feel that way, but I do. It's gotten better but I also worry that I will feel even worse if I don't have a VBAC this time.
Have you tried counseling to work through your feelings about your last birth and this one that is coming up? I know some people who have found that very helpful. Not that there's something wrong with you, but sometimes when something this intense happens, we need a little help.
GL with your pregnancy and delivery this time
It's normal. Do you have a local ICAN meeting? I found it helpful to talk about feelings like this there. But yeah, it's normal. To me it's comparable to hearing that your BFF got pg the first month of trying when you've been going through infertility for years - yeah, you're happy for her, but you're jealous and bitter too (and yeah, I've been there).
As for what happens if you don't have a vbac... well I think it's something to prepare for. I don't think of this as negative thinking, but preparing for the best outcome that you can have - even if that is another c/s - and to have a "better birth experience" as my ultimate goal.
For me, I had to switch hospitals because there was no way I could have a happy birth experience at my original hospital - if nothing else, my view of them was too tainted. Then I celebrated on every milestone I passed that was "better" than my previous experience... plus I had to have more baby-friendly policies or I would have gone through the roof. So things I celebrated were: no PIH this time! Went into labor on my own this time! Water broke on its own this time! Dilated further than I did last time! etc. In the end I did have a successful vbac, but I *think* I would have been more mentally prepared for a postitive c/s experience this time around.
I feel this way. I feel like my body failed me with my son's birth and I wasn't strong enough to advocate for my daughter's birth in getting the VBAC I wanted.
Now that I have my OB supporting my decision I can't help but think is it all for nothing. What if I try every holistic approach I am allowed and still end up with a c-section again, for the 3rd time. I know I will be so hurt. I've been preparing my body, taking my EPO since let's face it...a scarred cervix needs a whole lot more help than a healthy one, I've been walking, drinking water, eating right, paying attention to the contractions and what if it's for nothing?
I have been going over this in my mind. My body isn't like the next woman's, not like my mother's, not like my SIL's. Where labor may be effective for them it might be a futile effort for me. How can I get past that? Am I going to be able to wrap my mind around the limits my body has if I am going through another c-section?
Trying to talk to DH about this really gets me nowhere. To him it's about the end result, a healthy baby. I don't mean it to sound like I'm not wanting that too but he doesn't understand how this is important to me and the physical result is just as important as the emotional journey to get there.