Is it normal to feel like this?

Treasa

I have posted a couple of times this board but am mostly a lurker.  I am so hopeful to have a VBAC with my 2nd baby due in September.  My first delivery was a nightmare - complications from pre-e & HELLPS ended up with me having a c-sec under general anestheia & it sucked

Anyway, my friend had a homebirth this morning.  This is her 2nd baby, the first one she had naturally in the hospital & decided to homebirth this one & I hear did it very sucessfully & thankfully  with no complications. 

I just can't believe how I am feeling over it.  I mean I am thrilled for her & her gorgeous new baby.  I just feel so envious over the homebirth.  It has triggered all kinds of emotions.  It is devastating to me that the birth process is so easy for some women & for me I end up with every frigging medical intervention in book when I tried to deliver my son. 

I know that I need to get over myself & just be thrilled for my friend.  If anything I need to take inspiration from her & focus on the future & what I can do to ensure I get the birth I want.  But right now it feels so difficult.  Why do some women do fine with c-sections & then others like me still feel like a failure 4 years on?  The only thing that will get me past this is having the VBAC that I want but then what if I can't manage that?

What is going on with me?  Is it normal to feel like this?

preg_amy

I hope it's normal, because I feel like that.

 

Whenever I hear of someone's perfect, beautiful birth... yes, I'm happy for them.  But I'm still pretty bitter about my own horrific birthing experience.

seastar77

I think it's normal to feel that way! My friend had twins at home (one was even breech) last year and then lectured me about how this pregnancy I should have a homebirth because then "I wouldn't have complications that clearly the Dr brought on with my last one" (I, too, had an emergency c-section due to severe pre-e with my first at just 27 wks). So not only am I jealous of people who breeze through natural term births, but in her case I also wanted to scream and shake her because no amount of explanation seemed to make her understand that my c-section wasn't preventable (and was actually preferable given the size and health of my baby at the time) and that no Dr "made" me get pre-e.

I have moved past feeling like a failure over my first early delivery, but it took a while. However, if I go to term this time with no pre-e complications and still end up with a c-section just because of failure to progress or overly zealous Drs, then I think I will be very upset again :

andre07

I agree.  Totally normal.  And we all have our ups and downs.  Moments when we think we are finally getting past it and then something pops up and brings those feelings back.  My friend just had a baby at 26 weeks who is really struggling.  Whenever I start to feel badly, I think about her and her baby and I wouldn't want to trade places with her, so I try to count my blessings, but its hard.  I would love for things to just go "normal" but even at this point in my pregnancy (38wks) things have come up that make things less than "normal".  

userdeleted

It is completely normal. I felt the exact same way. I've actually never admitted this before, but one of the main reasons that I was so intent on having a VBAC is because I just knew that when my SILs had perfect vaginal births it would eat me alive if I'd never been able to experience the same thing. I think it's normal to feel that jealously, because I certainly did. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing though. ((hugs))

nosoup4u

Rach03k:

I've actually never admitted this before, but one of the main reasons that I was so intent on having a VBAC is because I just knew that when my SILs had perfect vaginal births it would eat me alive if I'd never been able to experience the same thing.

This is me! From the time of DS1's birth until I actually had a VBAC with DS2, every time someone I knew had a straight-forward vaginal birth (both my SILs are in the "push for 20 minutes and the baby pops out!" camp of birthing), it honestly would upset me to the point of tears. The worst was when my sister had an HBAC seven weeks before my DS2 was born, I was so excited for her, but I was just that much more stressed out about my own upcoming birth.

I think the worst part of reacting the way I did was that I felt like such a jerk for getting so upset about other women's births - in the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't be a huge deal, but it was to me. Sigh.

Lesley0228

I think it is natural to feel a little envious when someone else has the birth experience that we dream of. I didn't have an exceptionally difficult birth with DD, just a long induction followed by a c-section. It could have been a lot worse, and I realize that, it just wasn't how I wanted things to go. Now everytime one of my friends goes into labor on their own, has a short labor and a vaginal birth (which seems to all of my friends) I go through a few fleeting moments of pouting and complaining to DH that its "not fair." Then I get super excited for my friend and focus on what I can do differently in my next pregnancy to have a different outcome.  I think that feeling this way is common, but if you are dwelling on it, then that is not healthy for you. I think that doing all the research you can to prepare for a VBAC next time would be helpful, though you could also consider meeting with a counselor to help you prepare emotionally for what could happy with your next delivery. Congrats and your pregnancy and good luck!

ETA: I just wanted to add that admittedly, it used to bother me more, but I think time/distance has healed some of those feelings and I do worry that they will come back in full force once I am pregnant again.

cg0112358

For some women all they care about is the end result, a healthy child. For some, labor was so traumatic that they were grateful for their c/s. For some of us, myself included, we want it all. I get so upset when I hear of others having their child vaginally b/c that is the experience that I wanted...even dreamed of for over 9 months.

I am not currently pregnant but I completely understand where you are coming from. I am so torn about my next possible LO. I am so afraid that the delivery of my next child will result in a c/s that I'm not sure there will be another. On the other hand I desperately want the chance to have a VBAC and I have always wanted 2 or more children. DS was born 6 months ago and I still want to cry every time I think of his delivery...I don't know that this feeling will ever go away but do feel like a VBAC would help me recover emotionally.

iris427

The way you feel is completely understandable.  I still get jealous whenever I hear of someone having an easy vaginal delivery, especially if it's their first baby.  I'm jealous of second timers who don't have the VBAC cloud hanging over them.  It makes me feel horrible that I feel that way, but I do.  It's gotten better but I also worry that I will feel even worse if I don't have a VBAC this time.

Have you tried counseling to work through your feelings about your last birth and this one that is coming up?  I know some people who have found that very helpful.  Not that there's something wrong with you, but sometimes when something this intense happens, we need a little help.

GL with your pregnancy and delivery this time  

jen5-03

It's normal. Do you have a local ICAN meeting? I found it helpful to talk about feelings like this there. But yeah, it's normal. To me it's comparable to hearing that your BFF got pg the first month of trying when you've been going through infertility for years - yeah, you're happy for her, but you're jealous and bitter too (and yeah, I've been there).

As for what happens if you don't have a vbac... well I think it's something to prepare for. I don't think of this as negative thinking, but preparing for the best outcome that you can have - even if that is another c/s - and to have a "better birth experience" as my ultimate goal.

For me, I had to switch hospitals because there was no way I could have a happy birth experience at my original hospital - if nothing else, my view of them was too tainted. Then I celebrated on every milestone I passed that was "better" than my previous experience... plus I had to have more baby-friendly policies or I would have gone through the roof. So things I celebrated were: no PIH this time! Went into labor on my own this time! Water broke on its own this time! Dilated further than I did last time! etc. In the end I did have a successful vbac, but I *think* I would have been more mentally prepared for a postitive c/s experience this time around.

lilbit923

I feel this way. I feel like my body failed me with my son's birth and I wasn't strong enough to advocate for my daughter's birth in getting the VBAC I wanted.

Now that I have my OB supporting my decision I can't help but think is it all for nothing. What if I try every holistic approach I am allowed and still end up with a c-section again, for the 3rd time. I know I will be so hurt. I've been preparing my body, taking my EPO since let's face it...a scarred cervix needs a whole lot more help than a healthy one, I've been walking, drinking water, eating right, paying attention to the contractions and what if it's for nothing?

I have been going over this in my mind. My body isn't like the next woman's, not like my mother's, not like my SIL's. Where labor may be effective for them it might be a futile effort for me. How can I get past that? Am I going to be able to wrap my mind around the limits my body has if I am going through another c-section?

Trying to talk to DH about this really gets me nowhere. To him it's about the end result, a healthy baby. I don't mean it to sound like I'm not wanting that too but he doesn't understand how this is important to me and the physical result is just as important as the emotional journey to get there.

 

papagena

Normal, IMO.  I got jealous of the gal moaning in the next room right after my c/s.  Then again, about a year later when my friend had her vaginal birth.  I don't think she'd say that she had this fabulous, wonderful birth, but I still mourned my experience all over again, despite the fact I probably had an easier recovery than she did.