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How to respond to DS's questions about deceased MIL?
My DH's mom committed suicide when he was a child. M has recently been asking who daddy's mom is. I told him that she died a long time ago (which is true), though ommitted the part about how old DH was when she died. Then he asked how she died. I'm not sure how to respond to this. I don't want to lie because, although he is obviously too young now, at some point we will tell him the truth. This came up today and once M wants to know something he persists until he understands it. Anyone have experience with this? All I can really come up with is that she was very sick and that medicine didn't help, but I'm concerned that will cause him to worry that I could get sick. Ugh. DH and I had talked about this briefly, but never really figured anything out and, of course, not that it has come up, he is overseas so I can't call him as he'd be asleep now.
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Re: How to respond to DS's questions about deceased MIL?
Oh geez!
I don't have experience with this, but I would be honest with him and tell him that she committed suicide, and use those words. If he asks what suicide is, also give him the explanation.
However, I wouldn't go into detail about how she took her own life.
Photo by Zemya Photography
Wow that is a really tough one. It doesn't sound like a simple answer is going to suffice. I would follow the track you've started with and attempt to answer his question with the most minimal of information based on what you think he can handle. I don't think there is any way to handle death questions without the potential that those answers are going to provoke thoughts about your and DH's mortality
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Not sure it would help in this situation but one thing I do with Andrew when he is stuck in a "why" rut (and OMG is that not all day every day) is when I reach the end of my rope I say "well Andrew why do you think?". He'll either shrug and say " I don't know" or come up with the cutest ideas. I find that sometimes he just needs the opportunity to express his thoughts and share what he is thinking and that is how he does it.
Honestly well done! I think you answered quite well. I think no matter why you say she died he might worry about you or him....The only I might add to the medicine thing is thats why its important to follow the directions and listen to your doc.
And if he pushes you can say she was sad...and didnt talk to people about it. Thats why its ok to cry and be mad..Something liek that.
br
I'm sorry your Dh lost his mother when he was young. How awful. If you decide to tell him the truth, I'd make sure to let him know that you think it must have been so sad for your DH to miss his mommy, and that you wouldn't leave M if you could help it.
And I'm with J -- I'd ask him what he thinks before giving too much info. This is something you don't get to take back and even if you intend to be truthful that is an awfully big thing to contemplate for a very very small child.
Chiming in late here, but I think an honest and frank discussion about suicide is entirely inappropriate for a 3 year old. It is a confusing and sophisticated concept and I would imagine one that would only confuse and frighten him. I think that for right now you should stick to the medicine didn't work, etc. and then when he is older the conversation can be re-evaluated.
I do not have a relationship with my dad due in large part to his mental illness. My DD has been asking a lot lately if I have a dad, whether he is 'nice', etc and it's a tricky subject.