TTM about Honesty in Parenting

NastyAnnie · February 2011

Bfab, you totally just wanted to AW that adorable pic of C. :P

Also, no one will find me sugarcoating my experience. I'm sometimes too blunt with people. I just wonder, after hearing all of these personal accounts if the "joy of parenting myth" is a myth in and of itself. It sounds like we all have a pretty good handle on the thing, no matter what we thought coming into it.

Shell24 · February 2011

NastyAnnie:
Shell24:
To a certain extent it also depends on who I'm talking to. If it's an acquaintance or not so close family member, if they ask how it's going I just say great, fine, etc. I would never say it isn't because of a few bad days. But the people close to me that I talk to on a daily/weekly basis hear ALL about it LOL.
Yeah, my closest friends all know that it's totally not what it's cracked up to be... and at the same time, it is. And, GL with your count-to-20-day.

Thanks, she's actually taking a nap today. We've been together 24/7 the last 3 days and are stuck in the house today (and yesterday for that matter) so I think we just needed a separation She'll wake up from her nap and be happy again and we'll start over for the day!

ANJ410 · February 2011

Perosnally, for me, age did not make me more prepared and it did not make the early days of parenthood any easier. DH and I were both in our 30's, extremely well off finacially (at the time, pre-recession), we were both college educated, well traveled, good heads on our shoulders, etc, etc.

NOTHING could have prepared me for how it felt to basically be housebound in raggy sweats with a colic newborn after I had sprinted out the door to work, dressed in designer clothes and high heels every day of my adult life. I suddenly did not have the freedom to do any of the things that had made me the person I was before whenever I needed or wanted to do them.

When people used to say that you don't get to sleep when you have a baby, I used to roll my eyes. I spent the better part of my 20's in NYC and Miami nightclubs, partying all night. I thought I knew what it meant to stay up all night. Ha! Again nothing prepared me for the bone-aching exaustion you feel at the end of the day after taking care of a baby and then just as you doze off to sleep, being ripped right out of it by the shrill sound of crying!

Hip2Bsquare · February 2011

I never sugar coat.

I am 32 and we had a planned pregnancy. I had no idea that you don't sleep that first year. I know of two parents that I think don't want to face the truth that they aren't sleeping and don't enjoy that. Seriously?

DD she hates her car seat, she hates diaper changes and clothing changes, she hates going to bed, she hates me putting her down. It's annoying and exhausting. I don't really enjoy breastfeeding and I am looking forward to the toddler days but then I'm not looking forward to rules being pushed and temper tantrums.

I am one and done....DD is really cute but it's a lot of work though. I am grateful that I am only going through it one time! I am recording everything as much as possible and I know it's the "first" everything possibly for forever so I try to cherish it a lot. (hopefully I will adopt in a couple of years and it will be an older child)

Call me selfish it doesn't hurt me. I rather be called honest.

BFab11 · February 2011

NastyAnnie:
Bfab, you totally just wanted to AW that adorable pic of C. :P
Also, no one will find me sugarcoating my experience. I'm sometimes too blunt with people. I just wonder, after hearing all of these personal accounts if the "joy of parenting myth" is a myth in and of itself. It sounds like we all have a pretty good handle on the thing, no matter what we thought coming into it.

'tis true, lol

That's what I mean about backtracking. When I tell people about my day, or about C's allergies, or rattle off the list of what I'm not allowed to eat, they get that look of terror in their eye and I feel bad. So then I feel like I need to talk about the good stuff more so people don't think I walk around hating my life and regretting getting pregnant.

lite-bright · February 2011

I'm torn about this. Of course everybody wants to believe,when you start thinking about the sacrifices, that it's worth it. And hopefully your kid doesn't grow up to hate you/cut you off from your grandkids/end up in jail, etc.

DH and I both hated it when people were all negative about parenthood. We had friends who were like, "You'll never sleep again! You'll never go anywhere again!" and just seemed to have a really negative attitude about it -- even though they struggled with IF to have their first, and went on to have a second child later in spite of their complaints.

It felt like, "Well, our baby is already on the way, so gee, what's the point of being so negative?" And those things weren't really true anyway -- even for them. They were exaggerating the negative, just as much as some people exaggerate the positive. I think either one kind of sucks.

So I make a point that, whenever I mention how hard it is, I also try to even that out with a mention of something positive. I take it from the perspective that it's impossible for someone who hasn't been up once every 2-3 hours for a week (or 10 months straight) to understand just how badly sleep deprivation can mess you up, so it's kind of pointless for me to say, "Sleep while you can!" They'll either learn or not learn, depending on if their baby is a good sleeper. Maybe that girl I chat with in the check-out line will have a super easy baby -- or maybe she'll have a colicky screamer for five months straight. Nobody knows. She could end up saying, "This is so much harder than anyone told me," or she could think, "I can't believe people tell so many horror stories, this is easier than anyone said it would be."

Heck, after three years I'm not even sure I'm prepared for some parts of this. We found out recently that DD1 has a speech delay, and she's going to be going through evaluations to see if she has a developmental delay and/or is on the autism spectrum. You can go merrily long for several years thinking that your kid is normal and healthy, and suddenly you get side-swiped.

About the only thing I can say for sure that parenting is, is unpredictable.

Que*Syrah · February 2011

NastyAnnie:
Que_Syrah:
I have to say though, that if I were younger or had an unexpected pregnancy I might feel differently. I think the fact that we were older when we had kids, coupled with the fact that it took several years of TTC have given me an interesting perspective.
For all of you more-life-experienced moms:
Do you think being older when you had children changed the way you saw parenting itself, or you're just more prepared to deal with the hardships that parenting brings? Had you been younger, would you have expected parenting to be easier?

Having a baby is a huge adjustment whether you're 15, 20 or 40. For me, being in a stable relationship, financially solid and settled in life helped with the transition to being a parent. I definitely think it has more to do with the way I see parenting but also definitely being more prepared to deal with hardships comes into play. I've been through the fun, wild, young days. I've been through the carefree days of being married and not being tied down. Now I'm ready for the next phase, raising kids and all that comes along with it.

For me personally, if I'd had this baby 10 years ago I would not have thought things could be so difficult. I knew a lot about babies and kids, and I hate to throw a cliche out there, but you just don't truly know the ins and outs of parenting or the long, hard days you'll go through until you're actually a parent. I know without a doubt I wouldn't enjoy parenting as much as I do now- even through the hard days. Also, not being stressed about money, medical bills, juggling childcare, spending time with DH, etc. is a huge factor in the way I approach parenting- and that's something that I wouldn't have if we'd had DS younger.

I haven't read all the responses but for any younger moms on here, I'm not saying that young moms can't hack it and have a harder life than I do. I'm speaking for ME regarding the way I feel about parenting and why I'm glad I had kids older as opposed to younger.

Mama_SAS · February 2011

I skimmed - sorry if I repeat.

I had(have) really easy newborns, so I feel like I was able to ease into it.

Toddlerhood was more difficult than I ever expected. I was sick and undiagnosed for months and DS was so very difficult. I spent a lot of time wondering what I was doing wrong and feeling guilt for being sick and not being physically able to do more with him. Turns out chronic pain mommy + special needs toddler = a really hard time.

I don't know if I romanticize it, but almost no one knows how hard that time was for me because I felt like I was to blame.

Even without my special circumstances I think it would be natural for anyone to go through a rough patch and not tell everyone about it.

MCC1010 · February 2011

I don't romanticize anything for anyone. I tell them exactly how I feel and what is going on with us. I think most parents are not honest about what to expect. There is so much no one ever talks about when it comes to being pregnant or parenting.

mellieg8582 · February 2011

I think parenting is what I thought it was going to be. The only thing I didn;t expect was the not sleeping part. I do have a friend who thinks that she will have a wonderful baby and everything will be perfect as soon as she comes home from the hospital. She has no idea what she's up against. I make it a point to tell her all the details good and not so good so I can try get her head out of the perfect baby clouds.

RadicalDreamer143 · February 2011

NastyAnnie:
JamieS2006:
I dunno, parenting so far has pretty much been what I expected - not sugarcoated, either. Maybe it does have to do with age and maturity. I think if I had a baby when I was younger, I would have felt overwhelmed, there was too much going on back then, and I had that need to prove myself - so I could see myself making excuses and not being completely honest. I would have done the same thing when it came to my job and school, for that matter.

Maybe it just took till my thirties to know that life isn't puppies and rainbows, lol - so I didn't expect them.
I totally get what you're saying here. Do you not feel the need to prove yourself as a parent now that you're older? Or is that "prove yourself" feeling something that just fades away completely? Because I think we've all seen some moms of all ages here on TB trying to prove that they're good moms, to people who really don't care.

I think that early stage of adulthood, it's just part of life - you want to prove yourself in college, at your first career, and you are still losing some of your youthful naivety while becoming an adult. Its a whirlwind time of life, from what I remember. Now that I am older, I am much more secure in who I am, and in my capabilities, so while I can be determined, it is a more realistic (not pessimistic, mind you) feeling than it was back when I thought I could change the world on a whim, you know? I think I would have been overly optimistic about being a parent back then, and have stressed myself out trying to manage it - and I was fairly responsible back then, but not nearly as responsible as I am now.

However, I do think that some women hold onto that competitive feeling - I guess I just grew out of it, and am very happy with myself and my choices. For me, that just took time and life experiences.

NewMommy423 · February 2011

I'm typically pretty honest. Even to the one-uppers. But I try to not be whiny about it.

I think motherhood is what I expected. Although I didn't expect to have mornings where I wake up and think, "I really don't feel like being a mom today".

Meli0604 · February 2011

I'll be 26 in a few months, so I consider myself a "young" parent, but I had to be a mother to my younger brother and sister (age gap is 11 years) so I had to grow up fast. I was never able to hang out with my friends after school b/c I picked up my sister and then had to go straight home, help with homework, clean and cook dinner. My weekends were spent studying & during the summer I couldn't do much b/c I had to stay home so my mom didn't have to pay for daycare. I was the one who chaperoned school trips, took them to sports practices/games, and helped with school projects (I still do to this day). It sucked to give up my childhood, but it made me mature and become independent at a young age.

Though I helped "raise" my siblings, I expected it would be so much harder to care for my own baby. I can't think of anything that I wished someone had warned me about. There are days when I want to just escape to a hotel and enjoy peace & quiet for a while, and there are days I feel like the luckiest parent in the world. Regardless of what kind of day it is, I'm always honest. If my DD is driving me up the wall and I image leaving her on someone's doorstep, that's exactly what I say if someone asks how my day is going lol.

I don't worry about any onethinking I don't love my daughter or I'm a horrible mother. If that's the impression they get, they're either not a parent or they're in denial of having the same feelings Stick out tongue

lindsleek · February 2011

I'd say it is more than it was cracked up to be for me (and H would agree). I am not a mushy gooshy type of person, so when people would tell me while I was PG "You are going to love that child more than you love yourself!" it was pretty hard for me to grasp. Now that she is here and I have had nearly 10 months with her I constantly feel overwhelmed with my love for her. I miss her during the day while I am at work and I think about her constantly. When I get home from work I seriously want to squeeze her and I get sad on nights when she wants to go to bed early.

So yes, it is all it is cracked up to be for me. I can tell you though... If I were a SAHM I would have written a completely different response to this question because I did not feel this way when I was on Maternity Leave - granted that was a major adjustment period for us as a family.

MarMat · February 2011

answering your questions:

No, I never thought of how hard the first 3 months were, or how happy and complete I would be feeling when teaching/discovering stuff with DD.

I don't sugar coat anything, the truth is, I'm more intense or tell specific things to people I don't feel they are ready, not to scare them, but to make them aware (think about it).

I do not have too many friends with babies, and the once I have are in the same or close age to DD, so not on that side.

And I think it all has to do with you. If you are in need of praise, you'll sugarcoat or sell yourself in any area of your life. Children,work, trips... because it's expected to fill in the "succesful" description.

a child is needed so persons grow up

murfygirl · February 2011

I am tardy to the party but wanted to comment.

I totally sugar coat parenting to people who are pregnant. No one wants to be friends with someone who tells them "just you wait" they're whole pregnancy! That being said with super close friends who are already mommies I am very blunt. I was totally not prepared for how hard motherhood was going to be. That being said I was only 23 and DH and I did not plan DS. However, I think even if we had planned him and had been more prepared I still think it would have been the hardest adjustment in my life. Like a lot of the PPs said you don't know how hard parenting is till you're in the in the midst of it.