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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
TTM about Honesty in Parenting
I was just watching HLN and saw this study mentioned about the lack of Honesty in Parenting. Basically, the study showed that when parents begin to count the cost of their children, in time, money, stress, etc, they automatically begin to fantasize about ideal parenting, the blessings that their children were, how good it would be to spend more time with them, etc. The study argues that this is a sort of defense mechanism for parents, because parenting isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be.
So, what do you think? Is parenting what you thought it would be? Do you feel the need to romanticize your experience to your family, friends, other bumpies? Do you wish someone had been more honest with you about the hardships of having children?
Jack Anderson
2.28.10
Our amazing little man.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: TTM about Honesty in Parenting
I don't know if I am in the minority, but it is pretty much what I thought it would be. I think this has to do with maturity too though. If I was 20 when I had DD, I think I would have been in for a shock (no offense if you are 20, but I personally was NOT ready then). DH and I are stable, own a home, have careers, and were totally ready for the responsibility. I love being a mom and there is really nothing that has "shocked me" so far except how much I worry.
I don't feel the need to "romanticize" anything. If I have a carppy day, I say so! lol
I feel like I'm pretty brutally honest about parenting too. When people ask about Jack I always tell them he's "tough but good". Of course, sometimes when things are really tough, I just think about the romantic notion of being someone's "mommy" and I've also been known to make my facebook status things like, "Best kid in the world!!" when I know that's likely not the truth.
I think my issue is that, while I feel like I'm pretty honest on a regular basis, I'm also scared of what that honesty says about me. What sort of mom isn't so in love with her kid that she ignores the hardships, you know? I feel like that's what people must think.
I think parenting is one of those things that you cant full understand until you are there. Someone call tell you how hard/great it is but it's really hard to understand.
For example, I HATED people telling me, "sleep as much as you can; you wont be able to when the baby is here". At the time I was miserably pregnant and not sleeping much anyways. And I thought well at least when the baby is here I will be up cuddling w/ my sweet LO. Well, once the baby was here and I could sleep it was much different than how I thought it would be when I was pregnant, if that makes sense.
I dont think you can appreciate how hard it is to be a parent until you are a parent. I dont think you can understand how much you will love your child until they are here and you feel that overwhelming love for them.
So even if people are honest I dont think anyone can be fully prepared becasue we all have our preconceived notions.
Lol, I'm 24, and I know I wasn't ready when Jack was born... but I don't know that I ever would have been "ready". You know what I mean? I wasn't shocked that it was hard, just about the overwhelming feelings that go along with being a mom.
When I was 24, I was still a party animal...maybe winding down a little bit though
I don't think you can ever fully prepare for everything that comes along with being a parent. Even if someone had been absolutely, brutally honest with me, I never, ever would have fully believed them.
I try to be really honest about how tough it can be and just how drastically your life changes, but I still feel like I have to sugar coat it a little bit. I can describe the most horrific week of everybody being sick and waking up 42 times a night and vomit all over me and temper tantrums and meltdowns in public and I still need to feel like I have to add "But then Joseph gave me the biggest hug and everything was wonderful" (cue rainbow in the sky and birds chirping around me). When honestly, I don't want to say that. I want to say "This week sucked and while I love his little hugs, I'd trade it right now for a book and a comfy chair in a Starbucks" But then you think how everyone is going to think you don't really love your kid or your selfish or you're too negative.
You're probably right, SnT. I know I wanted to punch people who told me how tough it was going to be while I was pregnant. Of course, part of that was probably hormones.
Ugh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Sometimes I just want to say, "HEY! Being a parent kind of sucks sometimes!" but I know I'd totally get the side-eye. I guess I'm afraid of being a truly honest parent.
It's pretty much what I expected of it. Things have been harder (colic, reflux, baby who doesn't sleep well) than I really thought they would be, but I was certainly not expecting to be well rested and toting around a perfect little Gap baby. The reality of parenting hasn't been as hard of an adjustment as I thought it would be.
I have to say though, that if I were younger or had an unexpected pregnancy I might feel differently. I think the fact that we were older when we had kids, coupled with the fact that it took several years of TTC have given me an interesting perspective.
Heh, I "slowed down" around 22. Now I go out to a friend's house or something once a month or so, have a few drinks, and pass out by midnight. Rawr.
I tell everyone the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm just happy being a parent and knowing what I was getting myself into. Although I wasn't to sure about everything, I was pretty prepared for anything to happen.
For all of you more-life-experienced moms:
Do you think being older when you had children changed the way you saw parenting itself, or you're just more prepared to deal with the hardships that parenting brings? Had you been younger, would you have expected parenting to be easier?
Parenting is a million times harder than I could have ever imagined it to be. There is nothing in this world that can ever truly prepare you for it. I have never tried to sugar coat it to anyone. I am the first to praise my kids when they do something wonderful and the first to admit when they are less than perfect.
Funny this topic came up because I have a friend whose son is a few weeks younger than mine. She constantly reminds me about my DS being a colicky, difficult infant but forgets about how hard her own son was. She tends to look back on his infancy with rose colored glasses and make him out to be such an easy baby, which I learly remember he wasn't (he is still a pita at 3.5 years old!) I guess that is the defense mechanism you read about at work. LOL
To me it's not as much about the age but more about the setup. Being able to afford a child, having a partner who is committed, etc. If I had everything I do now at 20 then having a child wouldnt have been that much different. But at 20 I couldnt afford food without my mother's help so having a child would have been a lot harder than it is now.
Drew was a surprise, and his health issues even more so. So its been a rollercoaster of a year.
That being said, even with all the hospitals etc...he's a VERY easy baby. I know I lucked out with him. Please ask me again in 10 days. Because I feel like Adie is gonna have me pulling my hair out. LOL.
Lol. I have a mom-friend like this; her child's a little younger than mine, and everything she does is amazing and perfect. I just want to smack her, because I know it's not true, and I feel like my friend is a Mommy Zombie who's baby has eaten her brain.
O.O <--- Brainless Zombie Mom
I am always very honest. I will totally admit that I wasn't even sure if I liked my kid the first few weeks, and I still miss the freedom of being kid-free. I also had realistic expectations, and once I got past the crazy, hormonal, BF drama-ful early days, it became easier than I expected.
I think many people get caught up in the "romance" of having a cute cuddly baby then reality hits them like a ton of bricks.
Oh, and I wanted to murder everyone who said, "Just you wait..."
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
So, to you, it's more about preparation from stability and commitment, not age itself. I can definitely see those things being a big help. Lol.
I am pretty honest with people and don't romanticize parenting, but only to a certain extent now. When Severin was a month or two old and DH had gone back to work, leaving me alone with the baby all day, a friend of mine asked how motherhood was. I replied, "Kind of boring." Insert long, awkward silence....lol. I think she was expecting the gushy "magical, wonderful, awe-inspiring" type answer, but there's not much magic going on when I'm nursing around the clock with sore nipples, changing poopy diapers, and watching a baby sleep for like 18 hours a day.
I feel like, now that Severin is older, NOW parenting is more of how I imagined/romanticized it to be. Now we can communicate with each other, play, smile, laugh, cuddle, etc. It's definitely not boring anymore. BUT, I will still tell friends the ugly details when asked, hehe.
The only thing I wish someone had been more honest about beforehand was the toll having a baby takes on a relationship.
ETA: relationship, not (just) marriage
I can't believe you're so close! Squee!
I'm with you. Jack's a really easy baby, and I think if we'd been more prepared for his arrival (like, you know, we both had jobs and stuff...) things would be so much easier. I feel like we're just now settling in, and that sucks, since he's almost a year old.
Maybe it just took till my thirties to know that life isn't puppies and rainbows, lol - so I didn't expect them.
You and me both, sister. You and me both.
Bahaha. I miss the boring days. I had so much more time to sleep then. :P
I think age may come into play a little bit, but there are a lot of people out there who have children very young and make it work.
I totally get what you're saying here. Do you not feel the need to prove yourself as a parent now that you're older? Or is that "prove yourself" feeling something that just fades away completely? Because I think we've all seen some moms of all ages here on TB trying to prove that they're good moms, to people who really don't care.
Most of the time it is what I thought/hoped it would be. Except days like today, when my DD pees her pants 3 times and then purposely stands on her mattress and pees defiantly for a 4th time.
But I don't feel a need to romanticize parenting. It's hard. That's all there is to it. My mom happened to call after my DD peed on the bed and said, this must be a "count to 20 day" (instead of a count to 10
.
To a certain extent it also depends on who I'm talking to. If it's an acquaintance or not so close family member, if they ask how it's going I just say great, fine, etc. I would never say it isn't because of a few bad days. But the people close to me that I talk to on a daily/weekly basis hear ALL about it LOL.
I think it is pretty much what I expected too. Except the not sleeping is worse. Way worse. Like what I would wish on my worst enemies.
But you just do it. You enjoy the good times, you get through the not so good times. I'm not going to sugar coat it either way if someone asks.
Happy Birthday, little man. We love you so much!
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Good point. I wonder how much of the glamorized momminess is from actual parents, and how much of it is from the media image of moms, pregnancy, and family.
Yeah, my closest friends all know that it's totally not what it's cracked up to be... and at the same time, it is. And, GL with your count-to-20-day.
::Warning: P&R incoming, very long and rambly::
Ok, at the risk of sounding cheesy or like a sanctimommy, here's what I have to say. By saying this, I DO NOT think that getting frustrated or having bad days or negative feelings makes you a bad mom or means that you love your kid less than I love mine. This is just how I can put it into words.
I knew being a parent would be hard. When my family found out at 21, when I had been married for a year, I was getting baby fever, there was a lot of trying to talk me out of it. I have been around my sister's 2 kids since they were born, saw good days and bad days. My mom and sister both talked plenty, telling me how hard it was, how everything changes, how you don't sleep, it's a 24/7 job, no breaks, no sick days, etc. I knew all of that, and I knew I could handle it.
Pregnancy was harder than I expected, LOL. I lost 15 lbs from m/s, had a subchorionic bleed that led to bed rest, everything hurt, I cried over dumb things, etc. But when I walked past a mirror I didn't see how fat I was, how swollen my face/hands/feet were, how greasy my hair had gotten in the few hours since I showered, or the acne of a 13 year old on my face, I saw my belly and couldn't help but smile. I loved it! I loved the idea that I was growing a human, and that my big belly was an advertisement of that. I'm sure I did PLENTY of complaining, but at the end of the day, pregnancy made me smile.
That's what happens with parenthood too. I encountered a lot of challenges I didn't think I would have to deal with (mainly C's allergies), and they're hard. I could make it sound hard and probably provide adequate BC for a lot of my friends for a long time, LOL. From my painful, awful, couldn't-function-or-take-care-of-myself-much-less-a-sick-baby 6 week PP recovery to being in and out of the hospital, dealing with colic, C losing weight, constantly smelling like cheese from being spit up on all the time, not being able to help him so just sitting and crying along with him, etc.
That sounds terrible when I just say it out loud, no need to dramatize anything. But when I share stuff and I have people say, "you're a better mom than me, I could never restrict my diet like that" or "that sounds SO HARD, I don't know how you do it," etc., I find myself backtracking. Bottom line is, it's my choice to continue BFing, and thus my choice to restrict my diet (losing weight isn't a bad side effect either). And at the end of the day, everything is worth it. Even when we've had a bad day, if I take a second to step back and look at my sweet boy, I can't help but smile.
As frustrated/tired/overworked as I feel sometimes, I spend the majority of my day happy. Not because it's easy, but because of this:
*Hugs* The not sleeping sounds awful. I hope this stage passes for you soon.
Totally agree. Most people don't really care anyway, they just ask to be polite!