"I can't believe she's telling people she's pregnant! What if she miscarries?"

Isaiah40 · January 2011

Did anyone else get this from acquaintances or co-workers? I just realized how hard I'm going to have to fight to keep my lil' peanut a compassionate and kind-hearted person...

I refuse to live in fear with the 'what-if's... **I** ultimately, am not the one in control,... but I AM 8 weeks pregnant!!

Big Smile

Anyone get this? Anyone?

Alyssajoy87 · January 2011

I think that was probably what a lot of people were thinking when we announced early. But with that same thought, I realized that my life is so out in the open (thanks to my blog and Facebook) that if, God forbid, something did happen, I would want the support of all of those people to get through it.

Basically, I just decided that I didn't care about the people who were going to be critical so we announced when we wanted

Hothobbit6 · January 2011

I haven't had anybody say that TO me. I was having a hard time not thinking it to myself though. That and I was terrified that all of the pregnancy tests were giving false positives. I had an ultrasound at 11 weeks though. They definitely weren't false positives.

forensicmama · January 2011

I totally understand. I told my family the day I found out with my DD. She was totally healthy and fine. And I wouldn't regret telling everyone, even if I ended up having a miscarriage. A miscarriage would tear my heart out - and it would hurt even more to go around pretending that it never happened (which is what would happen a lot of the time if I didn't tell people from the first). That's just MHO.

missmarisa86 · January 2011

My husband still doesn't want me to tell everyone yet. Right now, only a few people know, including my family and some of my close best friends. His biggest worry is what about a miscarriage

As of yesterday, we heard the heartbeat I am 11 weeks, about to be 12 weeks on Sunday. I am just anxious to tell! I wouldn't want something to happen, and have to hold it all to myself.

Lissa832 · January 2011

I'm jaded and I fully recognize this. However, I think announcing your pregnancy as soon as you find out is setting yourself up for disaster. If you have ever announced your pregnancy early on and then miscarried, you'd understand the additional pain that is entails. I'll be honest. When someone announces their pregnancy in the first few weeks, my first thought is, "don't get too excited. It probably won't last." Is it a sucky attitude? Yes, but when you have had four miscarriages, then you can judge.

Laurakat81 · January 2011

I think it's fine to announce to those you are close before the pee stick even dries. But it's another story when EVERYONE knows. Rude and insensitive comments can make the worst time in your life that much worse. With my first loss only close friends and family knew. I was SOO relieved to not have to tell co-workers that I miscarried. With my second loss I still only told family and close friends. But co-workers found out I was pregnant because they all thought I was showing literally two days before I miscarried. I had them coming up to me telling me congrats which was fine and all until two days later at work I started bleeding. Suddenly the whole world knew I'd lost her. I had to deal with all sorts of comments and had no "safe" place to go where I didn't have to think about it. My only issue with women who announce to the whole world is that it comes across as naive and even snobbish, like saying they are too good or too healthy or too young to lose a baby. When in reality it can happen to anyone. Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. I'm on my iPad at it always squished it all after posting!

SailorGray · January 2011

I told my family and BFF when I was 7 weeks with my DS (we waited until after our 1st u/s). My BFF commented that most people wait until the 2nd tri to tell anyone. Uh, ok. She is my BFF, so of course I wanted to tell her when I told my family. For some reason, it annoyed me that she said this and I am usually pretty laid-back. She has never been pregnant, so I guess she didn't get the excitement or whatever. Who knows.

I will probably tell her about this one in an email when I am in my 2nd tri.

ShannonSky · January 2011

Lissa832:
I'm jaded and I fully recognize this. However, I think announcing your pregnancy as soon as you find out is setting yourself up for disaster. If you have ever announced your pregnancy early on and then miscarried, you'd understand the additional pain that is entails. I'll be honest. When someone announces their pregnancy in the first few weeks, my first thought is, "don't get too excited. It probably won't last." Is it a sucky attitude? Yes, but when you have had four miscarriages, then you can judge.

Yeah, with DD and our second BFP, we told right away. After the second BFP turned out to be a chemical, we had to untell the people we'd told. Having their support didn't make it any easier, and it just sucked having to say, over and over, that we'd lost our baby. This time, we waited to tell close friends/family until we got good betas back and will wait to go public until we graduate from the RE around 10 weeks. I mean, if you want to tell, that's your decision, but you will be taking a greater risk since the odds of m/c are greater before you see a heartbeat, etc.

00tedsgirl · January 2011

There's nothing wrong with sharing your joy and excitement. At the same time, many women want their miscarriages to be a private affair. Do you really want to have to tell the guy on the other side of your office that you lost a baby? Are you up for handling the awkward moment, when you are still wildly hormonal, and someone you forgot to tell asks you how the baby is doing? And aside from the telling, there's the pity face once people know you've lost a baby. It's a tough situation that many people don't know how to respond to.

My general rule of thumb is: don't tell anyone about the pregnancy that I wouldn't be comfortable telling about a miscarriage. Once the big risk goes down, at 12 weeks not "in the 12th week," then I'm happy to share. Even if you have seen the heartbeat, the risk is still there. I have lots of friends and family who have seen their babies and then lost them a few weeks later.

lovemymaddy · January 2011

We will tell more people in a few more weeks I think. As pp said, if something were to go wrong again we would want everyone's support.

SugarQueen101 · January 2011

I have had two miscarriages. We didn't tell anyone right away, so many people had no idea why i was so depressed when the baby died. There were few people that we could reach out to for support & understanding. So, when we got pregnant the second time, we decided to not hold back & let people know right away. Our families were able to share in our joy & were a greater comfort when we lost the baby.

To each her own, I say. But in my case, I found it better to tell early so that there is a longer time of celebration & if there should be an event of tragedy, there is a greater potential for love & support, instead of having to suffer in silence & loneliness like I did with my first baby.

Also, I agree with you about staying positive about pregnancy. I'm not going to hold back on my happiness about this pregnancy just because it's the first trimester. Life is too short to worry about all the "what if's". I've been there, done that as far as the worst happening in pregnancy, a baby dies. So, I just choose to be happy about the baby whether he or she lives 5 weeks in the womb or for the rest of my life.

~proud mommy of two angels & one baby in the making :-P

hollywreath · January 2011

SugarQueen101:

I have had two miscarriages. We didn't tell anyone right away, so many people had no idea why i was so depressed when the baby died. There were few people that we could reach out to for support & understanding. So, when we got pregnant the second time, we decided to not hold back & let people know right away. Our families were able to share in our joy & were a greater comfort when we lost the baby.

To each her own, I say. But in my case, I found it better to tell early so that there is a longer time of celebration & if there should be an event of tragedy, there is a greater potential for love & support, instead of having to suffer in silence & loneliness like I did with my first baby.

Also, I agree with you about staying positive about pregnancy. I'm not going to hold back on my happiness about this pregnancy just because it's the first trimester. Life is too short to worry about all the "what if's". I've been there, done that as far as the worst happening in pregnancy, a baby dies. So, I just choose to be happy about the baby whether he or she lives 5 weeks in the womb or for the rest of my life.

~proud mommy of two angels & one baby in the making :-P

This is exactly how I feel.

mundayem · January 2011

I know it's different for each woman but when I had my miscarriage the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it and because pretty much everybody knew I was pregnant (I was almost 10 weeks when I discovered the m/c) I had to tell a lot of people about the loss. There were very few people I actually wanted to talk to about it. Am I jaded now, of course I am, but I'm going to keep my lip zipped about this nest pregnancy until I am out of the 1st tri because I don't want to have to go through all that again. Having a few people know so that you have someone to turn to in case of a loss is good but announcing on FB at 4 weeks is a little premature for me.

SMJ1106 · January 2011

I definately agree that I, personally, would want to wait till after the 1st trimester to tell. Although, I can agree with the excitement and some people wanting the support if they baby was lost. Everybody is different, though. I don't plan on telling my family until 12 weeks.

My mother had 5 miscarriages which weighs pretty heavily on me now that I am pregnant. I've thought that maybe it would be nice to have the support from her if, God forbid, something happened. But with my family... you tell one, you tell all. And I just don't want my whole family and his whole family knowing quite yet.

ally2011 · January 2011

We are waiting until second tri to tell anyone except my two BFFs and 2 women I work closely with in an organization b/c it would affect our planning for the year. All 4 are rock solid and trustworthy so I am not concerned about them saying a word. And it is nice to have someone to talk to occasionally IRL about things.

It is really hard not to tell our parents, but I just don't want everyone to get all excited and then be disappointed if something happens. We have seen a lot happen w/ our friends so I definitely am more wary than if I was 25 and didn't know things could go wrong. We also had a chemical in the past and I had told a couple friends and that sucked.

I don't understand why you can't tell your family/close friends/close co-workers you are going through a m/c if they didn't know you were PG. If that happens, we plan to tell our families for support and tell them we were waiting to share until we were in the "safe(r)" zone. That way they didn't get all excited and are still there for support. I don't agree that people can only know you m/c'ed if you had told them you were pg in the first place.

Anyway, that's our plan, and it is nice not to be getting lots of unsolicited advice

Amanda&EricB · January 2011

Lissa832:
I'm jaded and I fully recognize this. However, I think announcing your pregnancy as soon as you find out is setting yourself up for disaster. If you have ever announced your pregnancy early on and then miscarried, you'd understand the additional pain that is entails. I'll be honest. When someone announces their pregnancy in the first few weeks, my first thought is, "don't get too excited. It probably won't last." Is it a sucky attitude? Yes, but when you have had four miscarriages, then you can judge.

This. I HATED to "untell" everybody, last time when we miscarried. We told the world and then later we had to tell them about the loss. It sucked. And I don't want to go through that again. The only person who's support I'd REALLY want when I have a loss, is my DH.

jntaylor11 · January 2011

I think it's your choice to tell, but everyone has different opinions on when they would tell, so of course some people are going to be surprised if you choose to tell early. We have only told our immediate families and best friends, the people who we would need support from not matter what happens. With all the extended family and friends, I'm a more private person so I don't like people in my business, so my take it that it's easier to keep it a secret until we know the chances of it being a viable pregnancy are good, than it would be to tell EVERYONE that we've miscarried... To each their own:)

Scout05 · January 2011

00tedsgirl:

My general rule of thumb is: don't tell anyone about the pregnancy that I wouldn't be comfortable telling about a miscarriage. Once the big risk goes down, at 12 weeks not "in the 12th week," then I'm happy to share. Even if you have seen the heartbeat, the risk is still there. I have lots of friends and family who have seen their babies and then lost them a few weeks later.

Exactly. I've lost two babies whose heartbeats I saw, one at over 12 weeks and one just over 8 weeks. There is no "safe" time to tell, really.

That being said, it's up to you to share when and how you want. It's your pregnancy. Just realize these people are probably speaking from personal experience - their own or someone close to them - and that is why they are surprised at the early share. I don't think they mean it to be cruel, they just know how fragile this all is.

funkymonkeyohyeahhh · January 2011

00tedsgirl:
There's nothing wrong with sharing your joy and excitement. At the same time, many women want their miscarriages to be a private affair. Do you really want to have to tell the guy on the other side of your office that you lost a baby? Are you up for handling the awkward moment, when you are still wildly hormonal, and someone you forgot to tell asks you how the baby is doing? And aside from the telling, there's the pity face once people know you've lost a baby. It's a tough situation that many people don't know how to respond to.

My general rule of thumb is: don't tell anyone about the pregnancy that I wouldn't be comfortable telling about a miscarriage. Once the big risk goes down, at 12 weeks not "in the 12th week," then I'm happy to share. Even if you have seen the heartbeat, the risk is still there. I have lots of friends and family who have seen their babies and then lost them a few weeks later.

I agree with all of this. We only told our parents, siblings and my best friend. When I miscarried, it was very hard to un-tell those closest to me and I can't imagine having to un-tell 400 people on Facebook. The bolded is exactly why I avoided all of that. Even with the people we told, I still felt incredibly awkward around them for a long time... and still do sometimes if pregnancy comes up in conversation. People who have never been through a loss just don't understand the emotion of it all.

ETA: I don't know when I will tell now. In my husband's previous marriage he had a 3rd trimester loss. There really is no safe time until the baby is in your arms healthy and alive. I am admittedly envious of people who are able to tell early without "consequence", and especially to those who don't know what it feels like to have to un-tell.

Clearly I am really hormonal today.

tkjr · January 2011

I had several people say that when I shared our news at 5 weeks. My response was that this pregnancy is in God's hands and if I miscarry I will at least then have the support. In addition, why not celebrate the joy that we were given...even if for a short time?? Unfortunately, we did miscarry and we don't regret telling that early. The support was amazing! I'm sure we'll tell that early again.

Karen1998 · January 2011

ally2011:
I don't understand why you can't tell your family/close friends/close co-workers you are going through a m/c if they didn't know you were PG. If that happens, we plan to tell our families for support and tell them we were waiting to share until we were in the "safe(r)" zone. That way they didn't get all excited and are still there for support. I don't agree that people can only know you m/c'ed if you had told them you were pg in the first place.

I told only my BFF, DH and my doctors that I was pregnant the first time. We don't live in the same town as our families and were planning to tell them at the end of the first tri after we'd had good u/s. We never got there. We then had to call our families and tell them the horrible news. I cannot tell you how incredibly difficult sharing that news is. You relive every single second of the incredible shearing pain of the miscarriage and sometimes the telling is harder than the miscarriage itself. There are so many hopes and dreams tied up with a baby and those hopes and dreams are not limited to the baby's parents. THAT is part of why many women do not share their loss with others that they have not told they were pregnant. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do and there are many emotions tied to it.

As for the OP, you told people when you're in the height time of miscarriage, so you're going to get those responses. It's your choice when you tell, but I'm not really surprised you got that response (though I am surprised they said it to your face). Is it insensitive to say that to your face, likely so. But, it's the truth. However, the person who said it likely lost a baby or knows someone well who did. Part of teaching your child to be sensitive is teaching him/her to be sensitive to those that have losses as our past experiences drive our reactions. There's a reason that person reacted that way and a past loss may be the reason. Or, that person could be dealing with infertility or other issues and your telling may have been difficult for them.

Corts · January 2011

When I gt pregnant a few months ago we told everyone at the 5th week. People were giving us the side eye. We were of course blissfully ignorant. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It is NOT fun to have to go on FB and tell everyone else you miscarried. Those of you who are saying "well, I would need their support if something were to happen"......uh, guess what? Half of not more of those people won't know what to say and will probably avoid you. We had very few people actually aknowlege our loss or even check in on us. Many people consider MC a taboo subject that they just don't discuss. Some assume it wasn't a big deal if you were still early. You will not really know peoples reactions unless it actually happens. This time our parents know only and we are not telling anyone else until about the 15 week. Hopefully none of this happens to any of you but if it ever does, the last thing you will want to be doing is explaining to everyone that you're no longer pregnant.

joleneandbean · January 2011

I was planning to wait a little longer, but I decided last night that I'm ready to tell our friends. It's still early, but I find it nearly impossible to have conversations with people and pretend there's nothing going on in my life. My DH feels the same way, if not more so. This is the most important thing that has ever happened in our lives, and we really want to share it.

Last night, I went to an art show and there was a young couple with an adorable baby there. My friend asked me when DH and I were going to have a baby. All I could do was turn beet red and toast her with my cup full of fizzy water. She was so thrilled and I felt great relief in telling someone.

I'm definitely not planning on "coming out" at work until I'm showing. That's a different story. If I were to m/c, I really wouldn't feel like having that conversation with my colleagues. And, I'm already apprehensive about being treated differently when people know I'm pg.

Part of me is still resisting. If I m/c it will be agonizing to un-tell people, but I also think it would be destructive to let myself (and DH) be alone with that horrible experience. This issue is so different for everyone, it's got to be an individual decision.

reannegummer · January 2011

Lissa832:
I'm jaded and I fully recognize this. However, I think announcing your pregnancy as soon as you find out is setting yourself up for disaster. If you have ever announced your pregnancy early on and then miscarried, you'd understand the additional pain that is entails. I'll be honest. When someone announces their pregnancy in the first few weeks, my first thought is, "don't get too excited. It probably won't last." Is it a sucky attitude? Yes, but when you have had four miscarriages, then you can judge.

I'm sorry but wow, that's a little harsh.

I agree that there's never a great time to tell anyone you're pregnant because as far as I'm concerned, you're not in the clear until that baby is in your arms. That being said, I don't have a problem with people announcing their pregnancies whenever they feel comfortable. We annouced our pregnancy with DD at about 9-10 weeks.

This time, we haven't told anyone yet. I had my first appointment yesterday and my betas and everything looked good. I have an u/s booked for March 7 and if all goes well I'm thinking we'll tell then, that is if I can hide the bloat/gut that long.

ShawMich · January 2011

DH & I usually tell our families as soon as I got a positive test. For this pregnancy and the last, we weren't even technically 4 weeks yet. The way I look at it, the people that would be supportive should we lose the baby should know. That includes family and close friends.

I understand people being reluctant to tell about the joyous news so incredibly early, but it works for DH & I.

Good luck to you. I hope you have a very happy & healthy pregnancy.

SFAug07 · January 2011

I had a similar reaction when I told one of my best friends about DD at 5 weeks. She said 'You are not supposed to tell until you are in second trimester.' She doesn't have any kids but I was hurt by her reaction. I thought she'd be happy for me. It also made me feel bad about the potential of a loss (which of course I knew about).

We have only told our closest family at this time. We already saw the heartbeat twice and so far all is good, but we'll wait until second trimester. Even then, something can still happen. There is no 'right' time.

EllaAdam · January 2011

We had to tell early because its baby #3 and I started showing almost immediately! There was no hiding it, and I wanted to prepare my work and family in case I was miserably ill like I was with DD#2. I figure the more positive of an outlook I have, the less stress I am putting on myself and the baby.

Lizard2022 · January 2011

I'm on the side of telling people whenever you are comfortable. As long as you are willing to untell them. My huge extended family is very open and supportive about m/c. I really don't get the idea of you aren't safe until they are in your arms because what about SIDS, accidents, disease, babies pass away too. You are never "safe" from losing your loved ones. You just have to live life and not spend it obsessing about whether something is going to go wrong.

krissywags · January 2011

We have decided to wait to tell everyone until after our first appointment (12 weeks) even though I have seen the heartbeat and they say that the risk drops drastically.

I decided on this because I went through M/C with a good friend of mine twice, the first was 14 weeks, the second was early... I just didn't want to risk it, especially since we have been trying for quite a while!

I do have to say that I found out that one of my mom's good friend's daughter is pregnant and due only 8 days ahead of me... they announced at 7 weeks... I thought she was crazy but every couple has the right to choose their own time to tell.

NDwife07 · January 2011

I don't understand that argument that you'd want others' support if something were to happen. I would like to think that I'd have my friends' and family's support whether or not I had told them ahead of time that I was pregnant.

talltalltrees · January 2011

forensicmama:
A miscarriage would tear my heart out - and it would hurt even more to go around pretending that it never happened (which is what would happen a lot of the time if I didn't tell people from the first). That's just MHO.

you dont think it would be worse to have random people at your work saying "hey hows the baby!" and you having to explain to them in front of everyone that you had a miscarriage while having to stay professional and not get emotional???

Michie1978 · January 2011

I heard the same thing with this pregnancy. I had a m/c before and odd as it was people only knew I was pregnant of the m/c, which was bad (Surgery). My second go round I told everyone immediately and she is now 8 yrs old, this here the third and I told whoever I felt should know and maybe offended for not being told. I feel like I am going to be positive through out this whole thing. Negativity fuels horrible and stressful emotions.

It's all up to you and your comfort

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