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We got our DE re-match & questions

hoolifacehooliface member
in Success after IF

Finally we figured it all out.   The donor we have secured has donated 5 times before, this will be her final cycle.   Each time she has donated she had several mature eggs (btwn 18 and 25) and they all have frozen embryos as well.   All but 1 was pregnant. 

I am having some mixed feelings about this and I just need to talk about it. 

I was very pumped up about the last donor and the whole process.   When we found that the donor fell through, I was just coming off the meds for the trial cycle. I was on (2cc PIO a day and 6mg of estrace) things went well with the trial cycle and I as pulled off all meds cold turkey.    I have anxiety in general and seasonal effective disorder sand take 20mg of lexapro for it, well stopping all the trial med's threw my system into a frenzy.   I have had anxiety since and I am trying to work through it.

Here are my issues:

I am scared that this cycle will not work.   That we are spending more money this time and it will be for nothing.    That I will not feel the same way towards this next little one as I do my DD (who is a bio child).   I will have issues with PPD again since the next one will be born in December/Jan.   I will somehow regret this decision.    I am worrying myself sick about it.

I was FINE before all the meds came to a hault, the donor fell through all in the same week.    It allowed my mind to go wild.   I have not told DH about this yet, just about feeling anxious again.

I am sorry to go on and on about this.   I am very overwhelmed right now and need some support of those who have been there.    I am not sure if waiting to cycle until my hormones are back on track, and the delivery date would be late winter/spring?  

Or is this all just hormonal feelings 

 

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Re: We got our DE re-match & questions

  • dansbride06dansbride06

    I'm sorry you are feeling anxiety right now, and would guess that it is probably related a lot to the change in hormones.  I'm not a doctor, though - so that is only my opinion. 

    I used DE's and don't have a genetic child, so I can't tell you how I would compare them.  I can tell you that I LOVE my son with everything I am.  There are times that I wonder "what if" he had my eyes, nose, feet (he has DH's feet and that is not a good thing (ha)), but those times are few and far between.  He is my biological child  because I "grew" him with my body/blood.  He just doesn't have my genes.

    This is a big thing and it is important for you to feel at peace with your decision before moving forward.  If it would help to take some time and talk to a third party, I definitely recommend that.  I do think you need to share your thoughts with your DH, when you feel ready, because you might find some good support there.

    I also didn't deal with PPD, so I don't have advice on that.  I have heard that since you know you are predisposed, it is easier to deal with the second time.  If you work with your Dr closely, hopefully it can become a non-issue.

    I wish you the best of luck with working through everything and with your new donor!!

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  • epphdepphd member

    I think you are having a mix of very, VERY normal emotions that are compounded by a hormonal shitsstorm.

    A couple of things I can say right off the bat - for me, the winter delivery was really no biggie.  You remember that with a newborn you're not going out much anyway - you're at home on your sofa nursing or feeding all the darn time :)  Then, by the time the weather gets better, you can actually take your LO out.  I'm actually more nervous about a September delivery for that reason - by the time LO settles in to a routine, the weather is going to suck.

    Re: feelings for the child.  I promise you, you will love this child no differently than your bio daughter.  Because it's not the genes that tie us to our kids. It's that they rely on us, depend on us, need us - we are the lifelines for those helpless little babes and I absolutely guarantee that you will never say - "eh, s/he can cry, s/he's not really mine." I've said it before - I think about Sam's conception almost every day, but not in a wistful or sad way. I think about it because it's part of who he is - much like I think about his big blue eyes or fine wispy hair or stunning smile.  It's just a factoid.

    Now, your fears and concerns about the cycle... well, that's just normal, unfortunately.  But you picked a GREAT donor with a great history and there is absolutely  no reason to have unwarranted fears.  You know she has good eggs.  You know your DH has good sperm.  You know you have a good uterus and you know your body responds to the meds.  You are in an optimal situation.  Just hold on to that. 

    What happens will happen and if something goes belly up - you will survive.  Dwelling on it won't change it or prevent it, it will just keep the cycle of anxiety and fear going. So focus on the little baby and your daughter becoming a big sister and the joy an addition will bring your family.  And just try to get through each day.  that's all you have to do.

    (((hugs)))

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    I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
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  • hoolifacehooliface member

    Thank you ladies both for answering my questions and concerns.    I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I will love this baby but I just can't imagine loving anyone more then DD.   It just happens to be that the little one will not have the genetic connection to "me".    

    I mentioned these things to our psychologist in our 2 meetings we had before we signed up with the agency.   She mentioned several things that I have to remember.    She said that it is normal for people to feel this way, considering I already have 1 bio child.   But she also said that people who are having a 2nd bio child have them too.    Like the how will I love another child as much as this one, will I love them the same, etc.  She said that you will, but you love them for different reasons.    One for being the person they are & the other for being them.

    She also pointed out that sometime families look nothing alike anyway, which is true.    DD looks SOOO much like Dh that it is not funny.   I get asked ALL the time if I adopted her.    I just have to wrap my head around all this stuff and know that I will love the little one.

    It's so darn hard when you have literally "all your eggs" in one basket.    It costs so much, I want it to work, I don't want DD growing up an only child, I know DH wants another child desperately, I just don't want to be the one "holding things back".    I feel (since it is my IF issues) that I already am.    I have told him this already, to which his reply was "I don't want to be resentful towards you later in life".   I am glad that he was open and honest with me, because I feel I might be resentful towards myself if I didnt have another baby either.

    I spoke to him earlier and told him that I wanted to chat about things & get some reassurance,etc.     He was very sweet about it & said ok.  

    Thank you again for your help, experience, etc.    I know I am getting my AS_ kicked with the hormones right now, anxiety is through the roof, and I am SICK and TIRED of the cold and snow!     So, all those things compounded are driving me to think way too much.

    I am glad that we have a great donor now, although we look nothing alike (the last one did).    She has great cycles, and is committed to making it work which is all we can ask for.

    Thanks for listening & have a great weekend ladies 

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