Feeling guilty

genevieveferraro · January 2011

Does nyone else feel guilty about putting your baby in day care? the books make it sound like my baby is going to be sick all the time and like it's the wort idea ever. I'm a new mom and I can't afford to stay home and day care is my only option. I'm feeling horrible about it.

KBabySmiles · January 2011

As far as the being sick, it really depends on the child. I have known kids whose parents SAH who are constantly sick, and kids at centers who hardly ever get sick. It just depends. Don't feel like you're doing something wrong for their health by putting them in daycare.

Don't feel guilty. You have to do what is best for your family. Sure you might miss some stuff and there will be days when you'd rather be at home, but the time you will spend with your LO will be all the more special. It will be hard in the beginning, but you'll get into a routine and it will be okay.

dstceo41 · January 2011

I did not have to put my baby in daycare right away, so mostly I am happy and sad. I'm happy because my son is about to turn 1, he is getting into stuff and running his grannies crazy, so it is time for him to get on more of a schedule and be around other kids. I'm excited to see all the new stuff he will be doing and words he will be saying after only a few weeks there.

But, I am a little sad because he is growing up so fast and sending him to daycare is just another milestone of that

ballerina06 · January 2011

My son was put in daycare at 6 weeks old. I am the breadwinner of our house and cannot afford to stay home, and to be completely honest, I never really wanted to be a SAHM (there is nothing wrong with that, it's just not something I personally wanted to do). My son is 7.5 months old and has never been sick. I think it depends on the child. Like Kbaby said, I know SAHM who's children are always sick.

Daycare is NOT the worst thing. You working because you have to to provide for your child and family is important. Your child will not be scarred. My son still knows I'm mom, dad is dad, and DCP is DCP. He loves our DCP and I know he is very well taken care of. Honestly, it will be harder on you than your LO. The first day I cried. I was so upset that I had to leave my 6 week old. But each day got easier and easier. My DS is hitting milestones very early for his age, he loves other children, and the social aspect he is getting is amazing.

I know it's hard, but you have to realize you are doing what is best for your family. You are NOT a bad mom by any means. You are a great mom. Stay strong, I promise everything will be ok. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me!

ETA: I missed my DS rolling for the first time, crawling for the first time, and cutting his first tooth (yesterday). It surprisengly didn't bother me because when I did see him do those things it was still a first for me seeing it. I guess I just spin things to be positive, rather than beat myself up over not being there.

MrsRenee · January 2011

Awww- don't feel bad There's pros and cons to both scenarios. Daycare really isn't evil like it's made out to be. My mom was watching Noah for the 1st year after he was born. She ended up hurting her shoulder, which required surgery and extensive rehab, so we ended up enrolling Noah in daycare. We ended up keeping him in daycare longer than needed just because I thought it was a good experience for him. The only reason we pulled him out was because I had Nathan- it didn't make sense to have the boys going to different places in the morning, plus it was an added expense we didn't need while I was off on leave.

I won't lie- the winter was rough with illness. Every kid is different in that regard though. Figure if they don't get sick now, they'll get it whenever they start school. And really, it's not like he was extremely ill all the time. It was always some type of cold. DS was prone to ear infections so for us a cold always meant an ear infection.

I think the social aspect of daycare is great! Noah was rarely around kids his own age before he started in daycare, so I think it was good for him to have that exposure. He's in speech classes now. A number of the kids in his class haven't been exposed to other kids their age and they're very shy and timid- almost scared of the other kids. Noah is definitely the most outgoing of the bunch. I'm sure being in daycare helped. Not to mention it's fun all the little holiday parties or in the summer they'd have "splash" day where they got to play with water toys. He really enjoyed himself

genevieveferraro · January 2011

You are all making me feel so much better. This book had me convinced that I was doing such a horrible thing. Thank u so much for making me feel like Im not such a horrible mom.

MrsRenee · January 2011

genevieveferraro:
You are all making me feel so much better. This book had me convinced that I was doing such a horrible thing. Thank u so much for making me feel like Im not such a horrible mom.

Trust me- there'll be days you're glad your child is in daycare just for your own sanity

KBabySmiles · January 2011

genevieveferraro:
You are all making me feel so much better. This book had me convinced that I was doing such a horrible thing. Thank u so much for making me feel like Im not such a horrible mom.

Throw the book away!

BabyBean · January 2011

For us, daycare was discussed before we even started having children. I knew that was our reality, and I came to terms with it before my DD was born. Not that it wasn't hard the first day I dropped her off. I love my job/career too, which helps. Also, I think today's generation of children are being born to more working moms. So unlike when I was a child, when my DD starts kindergarten, a large number of children will have been in daycare. We have had such a positive daycare experience (two different centers). I know it has helped my DD reach milestones early and become a very social toddler.

I'm in a moms group (mostly stay-at-home moms) and a majority of the kids are in preschool 2-3 days a week--sometimes all day. So even moms who stay at home understand the value of socialization and play-based learning.

My DD has hardly been sick. She didn't get so much as a sniffle until she was 7 months old. Now, she's almost three, and last year she missed a total of 3 days. I think it depends on where you send your kids and what their illness policy is.

beewltched · January 2011

KBabySmiles:

genevieveferraro:
You are all making me feel so much better. This book had me convinced that I was doing such a horrible thing. Thank u so much for making me feel like Im not such a horrible mom.

Throw the book away!

Yes You have to do whats best for your family and if thats day care, then thats day care. Youre not the only family that has their baby in daycare, your not doing anything wrong

JandR07 · January 2011

Do NOT feel guilty. My DD is in daycare and not b/c she has to be.

I enjoy my job and want to go to work. I worked hard for my degree and want to use it. I could be a SAHM if we cut back on spending and gave up some luxuries. I don't feel guilty b/c me going to work is the best thing for my daugther. I am not cut out to be a SAHM.

DD LOVES daycare. She has only been sick twice in the year she has been at daycare and one we think was food poisoning that Dh and I got so it wasn't from daycare or it was a 24 hour bug we all got that a lot of people at my work had. so who knows where she got it. The other illness was an ear infection that lots of kids get even being at home.

DD also gets tons of interaction from other kids and she learns things from them. They are do activities all day long that are geared towards their age that help than learn. I would not be able to give that to her just b/c I wouldn't be able to think of it all. Also for us a big portion of my salary is given to DD for her college fund and she will not have to pay for college when the time comes. If I stayed at home she would probably not get that and I am big on my kids getting their education paid for. So no I don't feel guilty.

ksuggitt · January 2011

Being on the other side, as a teacher, a lot of parents do feel guilty and have a hard time, and it is not a bad thing to be sad to leave your baby for the first little bit, feel free to call when they first start to check on how they are doing, (it's the parents who just drop their kids off and don't look back that we worry about) and if/when they do get sick a lot at first, just remember they are building their immune system and when they get older and go elementary school their immune system will be stronger than a child who has stayed home and not been around as many germs! Don't feel horrible about it, it will be a good experience for all of you!

tlc7068 · January 2011

Like everyone else has said do not feel guilty. My DS has been in daycare since he was 10 weeks old. I will say the first year was rough with him getting sick. He got H1N1 last year when he was 4 months old. The made the rest of the winter real rough. He was sick a lot. My mom watched him when he was sick. This winter has been completely different. He is doing great. He has hardly gotten sick. My coworker who's DD is at our daycare kept telling me not to pull him last winter. She has had 2 kids in daycare and told me the sickness gets better every year. I am so glad I listoned to her. DS does great. He has learned so much.

spring_time · January 2011

Yes, I feel incredibly guilty. It was not what I had planned for my life, but it is reality. I think it makes it easier if you never intended on being a SAHM or if you absolutely love your job. I have many friends like this and I think it was easier for them because working outside the home makes them sane and fulfilled. I get that feeling staying home, so I feel horrible. I have two months until DS starts, so I am working on being ok with it.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with daycare. You should really throw that book out because you do not need anything else making you feel guilty. The socialization is great for the kids. They do fun activities that you may or may not do while you are at home. The focus of the daycare provider is only on making sure the children are safe and cared for whereas you may be worried about running errands, finishing up laundry, cleaning the house, etc. As for the sickness, they will either get sick now or when they go to school. It is going to happen one way or another and it will build up their immunity.

Finally, as a teacher, I have never noticed a difference between children who attend daycare and those who don't. I honestly believe that all the stereotypes of daycare kids vs. kids of SAHM are overblown and exaggerated. I know that I want to be a SAHM, but I also logically know that DS will be just fine in daycare. I think more SAHM need to admit that being home is just as much for the mom as it is for the child. The child will be fine either way, it is really the mom who needs to be at home or at work in order to feel satisfied.

EDIT: Rereading, I don't think guilty is the right word. I feel sad that I won't be at home with my DS. I do not feel guilty sending him to a safe, healthy, loving environment because there are different benefits to it than the ones he would receive staying at home with me.

tanyael · January 2011

Let me guess: are you reading Dr. Sears? He makes working sounds like a selfish choice, puts a lot of emphasis on choice of working to get some unimportant luxuries and giving your child what he or she needs, says inane things like "there is nothing your baby needs more than your company" and "you will miss the important firsts if you work--fist word, first crawl, etc." I wanted to slap the man after reading it, and I threw the book back on the shelf in utter disgust.

Do I feel guilty? Not particularly. I believe that the trade off to not working would be far too great -- I would have to cut our family income in almost half and completely bury all hopes of advancing in my career/one day making more money (law is not a forgiving area for people who take an extended time off). I went to law school in part because I wanted my future kids to have security, a nice home, vacations, good education, all the works. Having been poor at some point in our lives, neither my husband nor I think that it's particularly shallow or wrong to want a certain standard of living for your family and to be willing to work for that. I have also invested about seven years of post-high-school education, money and hard work into my career, so I couldn't imagine just abandoning it.

I also don't see any tangible difference between kids of SAHMs and kids of working moms, to be frank. I certainly don't see any damage done to daycare kids--they are generally healthy, fun and their cognitive development doesn't seem to suffer.

For what that's worth, I will second what other said about the book--toss that piece of junk.

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