S/O Showers

BetchySprout · January 2011

theaustins05:
Pattypoundcake:

Wow...I'm sooo offended

Well you like to lecture people on internet etiquette while completely ignoring social etiquette, so I figure you can also tell me where I went wrong.

atlb · January 2011

Pattypoundcake:
atlb685:

theaustins05:
And also I get that baby shower are traditionally for getting gifts, however that is not all they are for. Like I said in my other post its about spending time with people and celebrating your pregnancy. She needs to get to know her new friends better. And she said she wasn't interested in Potluck anyway so why are we still complaining. She just wants to throw her own shower now, so complain about that.

Man, where is that Antoine gif when I need it? Somebody help me out?

Thanks Patty! I knew I could count on you!

theaustins05 · January 2011

MaybeBaby#2:
Says the person with 120 posts.

I'm sorry that I'm not online as much as you?

It sounds like someone is mad.

MaybeBaby2 · January 2011

theaustins05:
MaybeBaby#2:
Says the person with 120 posts.
I'm sorry that I'm not online as much as you?
It sounds like someone is mad.

Um, no. It's called irony.

everam01 · January 2011

OP, please don't take the advice of theaustins05. I can guarantee you that even if people do show up for your party and bring you gifts out of kindness, they will be talking about you behind your back for a long time to come.

Throwing yourself a shower, whether bridal shower or baby shower, is seriously rude. If people want to buy gifts for you, they'll do so whether or not you have a shower.

The next time someone asks about your shower, tell them that as far as you know no one is throwing one for you.

atlb · January 2011

theaustins05:
MaybeBaby#2:

Says the person with 120 posts.

I'm sorry that I'm not online as much as you?

It sounds like someone is mad.

Mad? Don't flatter yourself, dear. I think it's more along the lines of amused. I'm glad that all the trash didn't get taken out when D.Darlin left. We all need a little stupid in our e-lives.

ironmommy · January 2011

everam01:
OP, please don't take the advice of theaustins05. I can guarantee you that even if people do show up for your party and bring you gifts out of kindness, they will be talking about you behind your back for a long time to come.
Throwing yourself a shower, whether bridal shower or baby shower, is seriously rude. If people want to buy gifts for you, they'll do so whether or not you have a shower.
The next time someone asks about your shower, tell them that as far as you know no one is throwing one for you.

Perfectly said. Agree 110%.

temerityjane · January 2011

From what I can tell, the OP came here waiting for someone - ANYONE - to tell her it was okay to throw her own shower, considering she didn't respond to anyone until someone said "oh, go ahead and throw yourself one."

Since she came here already having an answer in mind, I don't see giving her actual, useful, etiquettely correct advice as anything more than wasting our energy. She's already heard what she wants to hear, and won't hear anything else.

UndecidedChange · January 2011

I want everyone to fund my non existent kid's college fund.

I think I'll just send out an email saying "in lieu of anything, just deposit $300 on his/her 529".

Since we can directly ask for gifts now....

And a massage.

amanda_430 · January 2011

I have thrown a birthday party before...don't really call it that though...I hosted a dinner at my house and asked friends to come over and celebrate with us. I've been lucky enough to have 2 showers thrown for me...and I think I'd be pretty unhappy if noone did one for me.

I think hosting a small hor d'oerves and wine/(mocktail) celebration with a few close friends would be a nice way to boost your spirits and I would make it informal...no ivitations or asking for gifts. If people choose to bring them then great. I would see nothing wrong with something like this.you'd get a chance to celebrate and to have fun with your friends before your baby comes and there's little time to do anything...

pinkpear · January 2011

theaustins05:
If you really want a shower, you could throw yourself one, or ask your husband to act as host. On the invitation tell them its potluck so bring your fave dish enough to feed X amount of people. And be specific about what you want them to bring. EX: on Stacy's invitation say bring a cake or pie; on Molly's invite bring an fruit or veg tray; Kim, bring cookies. that way you dont end up with too much sweets and not enough real food. ask on the invitations that each person think up a fun shower game and bring the supplies needed to play. or you can just buy all the game stuff yourself...i think thats a nice compromise. and since the invitation will say that hubbs is hosting they will understand why it is potluck i think.

This is a joke right? Right???

OP- when someone says that they want to attend a shower for you I'd be honest and say you don't know that many people in the area yet and therefore you don't think anyone will be throwing you a shower. Someone might get the hint. Sometimes people don't step up because they assume it's already taken care of. If nobody steps up then you will sadly have to do without.

ctrickey03 · January 2011

What should really matter is how the baby is developing and if the baby is healthy. A shower is in no way a major thing that HAS to be done. I've had people that have wanted me to have a baby shower with every child I've been pregnant with. I have never once had a shower simply because that was the LAST thing I was focused on and I didn't want anyone going out of their way to throw me one. Most of my friends/family still gave things to the baby once the baby was out. Just because you don't have a shower doesn't mean those people don't still care or anything. Gifts or no gifts, who cares? You should be happy for a healthy baby and focused on finishing the pregnancy healthy, not focusing on "omg! No one is throwing me a shower". Just my view on it though, do what you want.

BecauseICan · January 2011

I honestly am having trouble even coming up with a coherent response to this HILARIOUS suggestion that you invite people to a shower, and then ask them to provide the food, too. WOW.

Think of how much money we could have saved at our wedding if we had asked everyone to bring their own dinner. I mean, really. The wedding isn't about the gifts, it's about the vows. I so should have waited to get married so that I could get in on this new trend.

I understand the disappointment in no one outright offering to throw you a shower. That happened to us on DH's side of the family, and it was frustrating and hurt our feelings for sure. But my heavens do NOT demonstrate what will be perceived as a clear lack of maturity by sending out such an offensive invitation.

There have been plenty of realistic, mature, and helpful suggestions made here. The most logical being to respond with, "I'm not sure anyone is throwing a shower...I haven't heard of a date or a time for a shower...I would love to invite you but I'm not sure there are any plans for a shower" or the like, OR have a meet the baby party where for heaven's sake set out some damn cheese and crackers and punch.

I can't stop shaking my head.

AZ123 · January 2011

I understand that you want a shower. It is a nice way to celebrate the pending arrival of your LO. However, your situation is unique in that you live in an area where you don't have a lot of close friends. A shower costs $$ as you know and most people aren't going to offer to do one for you not because they don't like you or not because they think you don't deserve one but because it costs money and they generally step down to let a close friend of family member plan one instead.

When your friends ask about the shower say, "No one has offered to throw me one yet. I believe it is because I'm new here and maybe they think someone else is planning it." and just leave it at that. Most people will then feel bad for you and offer up to do something small for you.

Please don't throw yourself a shower and ask people to bring food and gifts. This will turn off people you just met that don't really know you. The way you'll actually grow and make solid friends is by having a "meet the baby" party, hosted at your home, where you provide the food and drink and invite everyone and their children and families. Make it a family thing. People will bring you gifts.

GL!

Pythia1022 · January 2011

EJensify:
MaybeBaby#2:
theaustins05:
If you really want a shower, you could throw yourself one, or ask your husband to act as host. On the invitation tell them its potluck so bring your fave dish enough to feed X amount of people. And be specific about what you want them to bring. EX: on Stacy's invitation say bring a cake or pie; on Molly's invite bring an fruit or veg tray; Kim, bring cookies. that way you dont end up with too much sweets and not enough real food. ask on the invitations that each person think up a fun shower game and bring the supplies needed to play. or you can just buy all the game stuff yourself...i think thats a nice compromise. and since the invitation will say that hubbs is hosting they will understand why it is potluck i think.
PLEASE do not do this.
Ditto. Please, for the love of the flying spaghetti monster, do not do this.

I just had to LMAO at the flying spaghetti monster. Fellow Pastafarian? Haha.

But seriously, OP, don't throw your own shower. A girl my bff works with threw her own shower recently, and no one except her grandmother and aunt showed up. Not only tacky, but RUDE enough that no one is going to want to indulge your selfishness.

I guess in the hopes that you'll get it if you hear it enough, I'll reiterate what a PP said: YOU DO NOT DESERVE A SHOWER. Move on.

EJensify · January 2011

atlb685:
theaustins05:
And also I get that baby shower are traditionally for getting gifts, however that is not all they are for. Like I said in my other post its about spending time with people and celebrating your pregnancy. She needs to get to know her new friends better. And she said she wasn't interested in Potluck anyway so why are we still complaining. She just wants to throw her own shower now, so complain about that.

Man, where is that Antoine gif when I need it? Somebody help me out?

00tedsgirl · January 2011

Before I run off with pinky and Carrie and anyone else who has the decency to see how incredibly rude it is to expect a shower or throw your own, I will confess that if I got an invitation to this kind of shower I would probably never talk to the hostess again. Rude, rude, rude. And I'm a military family from the South.

OP, you say you are ok with being a little tacky, so next time someone mentions wanting to be invited to your shower you can say, "Great! When are you throwing it?" But I somehow suspect that you aren't really getting that many people telling you they want to be invited to your shower. If you are, your friends are pretty rude, too.

wolfchik9 · January 2011

For the love of all things sacred, how did this get so out of control?!

If you want to throw yourself a shower, then go ahead and do it. The purpose of a shower is to shower the mother with gifts for the baby. So expecting gifts isn't really a surprise. Nor do I think it's tacky. If your new friends know you're still "the new girl" and have no close friends then they should completely understand you throwing your own party. Just don't ask your guests to bring supplies, food, etc. I do think that's going one step too far. If someone was hosting, it would be their resposibility so since you're the host it lies with you.

If you want to through a "meet the baby" party once LO arrives, I think that's the better option as far as manners go. If you're not concerned with the stigma (not that I personally see one) of hosting it yourself, then do whichever makes you feel better. I think a "meet the baby" party is more practical because you'll know more of what you really need and your new friends can help you buy those things. It's my experience that people enjoy buying stuff for babies. Even if you don't advertise your registry and they all bring a pack of diapers it's better than nothing.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide and I hope you don't take all this judgment to heart. You did ask for advice but you didn't ask to be chastised for having no close friends in a new town.

LuvTrav · January 2011

theaustins05:
If you really want a shower, you could throw yourself one, or ask your husband to act as host. On the invitation tell them its potluck so bring your fave dish enough to feed X amount of people. And be specific about what you want them to bring. EX: on Stacy's invitation say bring a cake or pie; on Molly's invite bring an fruit or veg tray; Kim, bring cookies. that way you dont end up with too much sweets and not enough real food. ask on the invitations that each person think up a fun shower game and bring the supplies needed to play. or you can just buy all the game stuff yourself...i think thats a nice compromise. and since the invitation will say that hubbs is hosting they will understand why it is potluck i think.

No. Period.

FantaIsMyHomie · January 2011

wolfchik9:
For the love of all things sacred, how did this get so out of control?!

If you want to throw yourself a shower, then go ahead and do it. The purpose of a shower is to shower the mother with gifts for the baby. So expecting gifts isn't really a surprise. Nor do I think it's tacky. If your new friends know you're still "the new girl" and have no close friends then they should completely understand you throwing your own party. Just don't ask your guests to bring supplies, food, etc. I do think that's going one step too far. If someone was hosting, it would be their resposibility so since you're the host it lies with you.

If you want to through a "meet the baby" party once LO arrives, I think that's the better option as far as manners go. If you're not concerned with the stigma (not that I personally see one) of hosting it yourself, then do whichever makes you feel better. I think a "meet the baby" party is more practical because you'll know more of what you really need and your new friends can help you buy those things. It's my experience that people enjoy buying stuff for babies. Even if you don't advertise your registry and they all bring a pack of diapers it's better than nothing.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide and I hope you don't take all this judgment to heart. You did ask for advice but you didn't ask to be chastised for having no close friends in a new town.

Steph, are you pregnant? I couldn't quite tell by your siggy.

Also, people were judging the person who told her to throw her own shower and amke it a potluck. That's tacky. It's tacky to throw your own, definitely, but to throw your own AND want the guests to feed themselves? Super out of control tacky.

Leipock · January 2011

MaybeBaby#2:
theaustins05:
kristennd:
You really don't see a problem with asking everyone to provide the food as well as the gifts?
I didn't mention gifts, and neither did the poster...Its a shower if they don't want to buy the $700 Bassinet they don't have to. A small layette and a veg tray isn't too much to ask when they are ASKING to be invited to her shower. They are playing games and spending time together to celebrate the fact that she is gonna be a mommy soon. Maybe I'm just from the south and we aren't wrapped around the concept of RECEIVING, its about having fun and spending time with people you care about. I know I'd rather have some type of GHETTO celebration for my pregnancy than none, and if her "friends" are too classy to be seen at a "Bring your own food" baby shower then they don't have to come. She likes the idea.
I'm from the South born and raised and there is definitely propriety about party hosting, etc. Don't use being from the South as a scapegoat.

I was just about the reply the same thing. Being from the south has nothing to do with how tacky it would be to host your own baby shower.

JNBrickey · January 2011

And the OP has taken this thread over to FFFC in 2nd trimester. She doesn't understand why she got flamed when all she asked for was advice.

pinkpear · January 2011

JNBrickey:
And the OP has taken this thread over to FFFC in 2nd trimester. She doesn't understand why she got flamed when all she asked for was advice.

It is funny that she is taking this so personally. She wasn't the one getting flamed. It was the girl who suggested that she host her own shower and have all of her friends bring her presents and provide the food and games.

00tedsgirl · January 2011

Just to clear this up:

"Showers are not supposed to be given by relatives of the guest of honor, and yes, Miss Manners knows that people do it all the time." from https://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=8319034

and

"Who should throw the baby shower?

Anyone except the expectant couple ? though Miss Manners might disagree. Formal etiquette says that someone who's not a relative must throw the shower to avoid having it look as though the family is asking for presents.? from https://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-shower-planning-and-etiquette_1642.bc

and from TB

"Tradition states that when it comes to throwing a baby shower, those who love you should do the honors. "

ksmielitz · January 2011

theaustins05:
Please tell me what's ridiculous? If she wants a shower (and I think every pregnant woman deserves one) then what's the problem with this idea? Not everyone has been as blessed as to have a billion close friends around them, I know how she feels I'm in the same situation as a Military Wife. And I don't see any one else offering ANY better advice other than "Don't have a shower." or "DON'T DO THAT!"

Do NOT make the rest of us military wives look bad, please. I too am a military wife...but if no one throws me a shower, big freaking deal.

It's my kid, my responsibility to provide...and, OP, if "everyone is expecting" to be invited to the shower, then THEY need to throw it for you.

HolliEllison · January 2011

ymmas911:
MaybeBaby#2:

theaustins05:
If you really want a shower, you could throw yourself one, or ask your husband to act as host. On the invitation tell them its potluck so bring your fave dish enough to feed X amount of people. And be specific about what you want them to bring. EX: on Stacy's invitation say bring a cake or pie; on Molly's invite bring an fruit or veg tray; Kim, bring cookies. that way you dont end up with too much sweets and not enough real food. ask on the invitations that each person think up a fun shower game and bring the supplies needed to play. or you can just buy all the game stuff yourself...i think thats a nice compromise. and since the invitation will say that hubbs is hosting they will understand why it is potluck i think.

PLEASE do not do this.

Why? Is there a real reason I shouldn't? I don't minds being seen as a little "tacky" I do what I have to do to get things done. I want a shower up here, and people are expecting to be invited to one, so I don't see a problem.

I see no problem with this idea. Everyone who knows me/us knows we don't know a lot of people and also knows we're not all that close to any one person enough to know they will be throwing us a shower.

Really?! Really?! If you thought you didn't have a lot of friends before just you wait...

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