Just had a bomb dropped on me... (long-ish)

CheriLooWho · January 2011

Gosh, where do I begin?

Well, first off... DH is out of town and I can't call him right now, because he's sleeping and will be catching a pre-dawn flight home. So... I need to put this out here... if anyone has any encouragement, words of wisdom or advice, I'd sincerely appreciate it.

Back story on us: DH said he'd only consider having another baby if we could guarantee we'd have a boy. I don't remember mentioning this to my sister, but apparently I did.

Back story on my sister: She's older than me. 4 babies, 4 baby daddies. Never had a job. Real piece of work. Has custody of zero kids. Was living in a shelter up until last week.

She sent me a message on Facebook (we don't talk much beyond FB or the occasional email... never had a relationship with her). Well, her most recent child, a boy, has been in foster care for 1.5 years. The Province is in the process of terminating her and the baby daddy's parental rights. She said that the courts will look into family member in her and his family for an adoptive parent; if nothing viable arises then they'd put the child's adoption out publicly. Now, I've never met the boy and know virtually nothing about him (except that he's 2.5 years old). My sister has asked me to seriously consider adopting my nephew. He'd be raised solely as my and DH's son. (My sis and the baby daddy live 13 hours away).

I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I want my nephew to be adopted by a non-family member. I'd be the only viable person on our side of the family. I go in and out of feeling the need to save my sister, although she is un-save-able. I feel like I should step up, but it's not just on me. I have to consider DH and my girls. With some shuffling, we'd have room in the house. I have a friend with a couple of boys and I'm sure she'd have some hand-me-downs. Money wouldn't be a huge problem.

Oh god, what do I do? I want to cry.

Que*Syrah · January 2011

Where are her other kids? I would hope that they've all been adopted into loving homes because I can't imagine taking in one nephew and leaving the rest behind.

anabell0920 · January 2011

Oh wow. Well I know with huge news you feel the need to have an answer or at least want an answer right this second. This is obviously a huge life changing event and nothing could happen tonight anyway so try to breath and maybe start writing down what you would need if you did decide to adopt expenses etc and then when your H gets back you can sit down and talk with him. Good luck!

CheriLooWho · January 2011

Que_Syrah:
Where are her other kids? I would hope that they've all been adopted into loving homes because I can't imagine taking in one nephew and leaving the rest behind.

The first one was adopted almost 20 years ago now. The other 2 are with their dads. She sees one of them.

kegger620 · January 2011

Wow that is a huge and very difficult decision to make. Are you thinking your H will be onboard just because he is a boy? I know what I think I would do if I were in your position, but if H wasn't fully on board, it would be extremely difficult.

miaomi · January 2011

I would do it. But that's just me. Whatever you choose, will be the right choice for YOUR family. Think about it, talk about it openly with your H and then choose.

Hugs. This isn't an easy situation.

CheriLooWho · January 2011

kegger620:
Wow that is a huge and very difficult decision to make. Are you thinking your H will be onboard just because he is a boy? I know what I think I would do if I were in your position, but if H wasn't fully on board, it would be extremely difficult.

I think my sister is just using the boy thing as a "selling point". DH wouldn't care if the child was a boy or a girl.

I kind of really want to do it, but like I said, it's not entirely up to me.

sleepingbeauty825 · January 2011

miaomi:
I would do it. But that's just me. Whatever you choose, will be the right choice for YOUR family. Think about it, talk about it openly with your H and then choose.

Hugs. This isn't an easy situation.

Me too! Assuming my h was on board of course. The other thing to consider though is where the boy is fostered now. Would the foster parents like to adopt him? My in laws are fostering two young boys right now and they adore those kids. To the boys, they aren't random strangers. They are virtually mom and dad. Dont feel like you HAVE to do it, and don't go into this convo with your hubby in that mindset. Assuming that the child has been in a stable foster situation ( which i know not all are) he might be just as happy being adopted by his current foster parents.

Shell24 · January 2011

For me there wouldn't even be a question as to what to do. I'm honestly not sure what my DH would say. Because it's a family member that may skew his decision.

I know there are lots of loving families out there who would love to adopt even a toddler, but it would just kill me to constantly wonder where he was, if he was doing all right, etc.

It would not be easy though, and you have to make the right decision for your family. Even at 2.5 he will most likely have emotional and behavioral problems. He will probably be withdrawn and it will take a considerable amount of time and patience to get him to feel safe and comfortable in your home. All that aside, it would be worth it to me.

.

grapeape73 · January 2011

Wow. That is big news. I can understand the urgency. You need to do what it is best for your family. I would go back and forth on it, but ultimately I know what I would do.

I also know that people who adopt are people that have a lot of love to give, but just need a child to give it to.

lpstl · January 2011

Honestly, for me, this wouldn't be a question of "Should we do this", it would be a question of "How could we not". I don't really know how to give any advice about this outside of what my family would do. H and I were raised to believe that family trumps all, we wouldn't really even look at this situation like we had a choice.

I imagine news like this is very overwhelming, what helps me to feel a little more in control in stressful situations is figuring out the logistics. Maybe put together a budget of what you'll need, see if there are any government programs that exist to financially assist in situations like this, figure out if you have the space, etc. That way, when you are able to talk to your husband, you have some sort of a foundation for making a decision. When it comes down to it though, your heart has to be in it for everyone's sake.

CheriLooWho · January 2011

Wow, thanks ladies. I really appreciate all that you're telling me. I think I may even be able to sleep tonight. Ya'll are really giving me some peace of mind.

I wish that there was really nothing to consider except for logistics, but it's not that simple. I have no relationship with my sister... our only connection is shared DNA. And, if my nephew is in a loving home and is happy there, I wouldn't want to take him away from that, regardless of the fact that he's my nephew. Who am I to take that away from him?

Thanks so much ladies.

I haven't decided whether or not to dd this post yet. But don't be surprised if it disappears. I just needed some perspective and I don't know...

Thanks again.

anabell0920 · January 2011

If you can please keep us updated! Good luck with your decision!

CheriLooWho · January 2011

anabell0920:
If you can please keep us updated! Good luck with your decision!

I will.

Hip2Bsquare · January 2011

So something like this happened to my DH a couple of years ago. DH's sister is a junkie and ex con. She has three kids that were living in pretty much horrible conditions. The state took them away and they were all being adopted out. DH was CONSIDERING adopting one of them because one or two of them were going back to their father/s. He hadn't had a relationship ever with his sister and his memories growing up were never that good. He doesn't even know all of her kids names! DH's friend said he should do it. Anyways, long story short he opted to not to do it and I really think it was for the best. Because.... whenever she gets out of prison she comes back into people lives and brings drama with her. Now that we have a DD of our own we wouldn't want that kind of lifestyle around. Also since DH is in the military. He just doesn't need to be having ex cons and druggies showing up on his doorstep and getting him trouble with the law or at work. I am sure we could get some no contact order or something but that would still cause drama with the rest of the family and hurt feelings would ensue, etc. It just would have been a big mistake. The kids are in good hands now. That's just our experience but good luck with your decision.

Que*Syrah · January 2011

CheriLooWho:
Que_Syrah:
Where are her other kids? I would hope that they've all been adopted into loving homes because I can't imagine taking in one nephew and leaving the rest behind.
The first one was adopted almost 20 years ago now. The other 2 are with their dads. She sees one of them.

I hope you didn't think I was being snarky or flaming...I was just curious where the other kids were. How sad for all the kids involved. GL with your decision- it isn't going to be easy no matter what you decide.

hoshicat · January 2011

My aunt and uncle adopted me when my mom passed away when I was little. I am very grateful. My step-dad didn't try to take me because he was a trucker and knew he couldn't take care of me.

I was around 6 or 7 though. It was hard for me to adjust and I had to learn to call them mom and dad instead of their names, but I did because their son started calling them by their names. Now you would never know I was adopted, we are all close.

Also, I never really knew my real dad and of course, when I got older I wondered about him, and had lots of questions that no one really answered for me. That was really hard not knowing him. So if you do adopt him, at least when he's old enough you'd be able to provide answers for him (when he was ready of course).

Someone mentioned behavioral problems that he might have. I had temper tantrums all the time and at school too. I out grew them around 6th grade and I'm very different than I used to be. In a good way of course

If you feel like you can take him in, and you and your hubs both agree that you can do it. More power to you! If you don't, then don't feel bad, there is someone out there with a home for him. I know that if this was put on me, I'd have a hard time with it. I have a half sister that I hardly know and she has 2 kids. I met her when she was 16 and 3 months pregnant with her first. I don't know if I would be able to take her kids in although I would consider it. Sorry if I started to ramble at all. Do what is right for you and your family.

Bashert628 · January 2011

I would definitely adopt him. That being said, WTH is up with DH only wanting a boy? What would happen if you got pregnant with a girl?

pandagirl15 · January 2011

I hope that you have time to talk to your DH before a decision has to be made. I know what I would want to do, & I think I know what my DH would want to do, but you have to have time to discuss. It's not something you can make a decision about in a snap. Consider how it will affect all of you. I would have no qualms about the issues the little boy would come with because you will be able to handle them on your terms if he is your own. There are many services to help you, especially once he gets to school. Good luck to you & your family!

CheriLooWho · January 2011

Bashert628:
I would definitely adopt him. That being said, WTH is up with DH only wanting a boy? What would happen if you got pregnant with a girl?

lol, we're one and done. Plus we have a 13 y/o (his from a previous relationship). It was a joke.

monj76 · January 2011

Personally, I dont think I could say no. Since you have the means, and he is family. Also think about the fact that he is still so young, and he will become a part of your family so quickly. A year after you adopt him, you wouldnt even remember what life was like before him.

(Those were the first thoughts that came into my head, obviously there are a lot of other things you and your DD and H will have to discuss.)

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