WDYT, registry related...

Kitten80 · January 2011

It appears this wedding of my brother's may actually happen (that is a story in & of itself). When they originally got engaged, I asked if she was having a shower and offered to host/co-host/ just help with one. She told me her family was throwing it. No problem. Then, they decided on having a destination wedding. Several people told them, and they said they knew, that often then people's big gift is attending the wedding - it costs for transportation, accomadations, and food. They were "okay with that".

So she asks via facebook a month ago, "how do you let people know registry information". Several people responded including me that etiquette (spelling?) says typically through word of mouth or shower invites or your wedding website if you have one. She says "I am not having a shower now, no one is throwing one".

That night she sends everyone an email that says (if I correct her spelling errors and mixed up sentences) "we are glad our family and friends are proud of us and our lives. Here is the link to our registry" Um, okay. That makes no sense first of all. Shouldn't it be something more like, "We are looking forward to celebrating with you." or "We are so happy to have so many supportive people in our lives" not "we are glad you are proud of us"?. Second of all, they hadn't even mailed invites with details for the wedding, but are sending registry info?

So I check the registry - mostly asking for gifts and gift cards in minimum amounts of $100 or over. Really? I planned on maybe getting them something small and personal from registry and then giving them a gift card to home depot since my brother just bought their house this year and they have a lot of home improvement projects so thats what he wants. A minimum of $100 seems like a lot to start with to me.

Do you think it is odd to send out an email with your registry info, particularly before invites?

Especially when it is full of expensive items and your wedding is a destination wedding?

Or has that much changed since I (and all my friends) got married 3.5 years ago? We would not have dreamed of such a thing (and my step mother and father would have had an absolute hysterical fit!).

WDYT?

And, while I am asking, what do you do when you attend a destination wedding as far as a gift? Do you give a normal sized one, or not one at all? My friends/family all say little or nothing - I mean the wedding will cost us at least $1000 even if we just go for a few days (more if we go for longer) because of airfare and hotel and food (not to mention for us DH's vacation time he will lose when baby 2 comes...and my family, including bro/fsil, will not fly up for the baby's birth/baptism/to help/anything).

Just curious what other people think about this type of situation.

mrsfirefly · January 2011

I think it is tacky, tacky, tacky to share one's own registry info. For my shower, my maid of honor and immediate family knew where I was registered should anyone ask. And if anyone directly asked me, I told them. Otherwise, it's easy enough to just find someone's registry. There are only so many places to register. And one should never expect to receive a gift from a registry. It's perfectly acceptable for guests to give off -registry gift, since, it is, in fact, a gift. So sharing a registry is presumptuous, rude, and tacky in my opinion.

I have mixed feelings about destination weddings. I think that the purpose of a wedding celebration is to celebrate with those who are near and dear. To assume that others can afford (be it time or money) to travel to a destination is kind of rude and selfish. I understand that you could say, well, don't come to my wedding if you don't have the money, but isn't the point of having guests to also make the guests feel special? I mean, it is about the bride and the groom, but it's also about the important people they've selected to celebrate the big day. I hate the idea that some people can't celebrate weddings because of factors like money, time, health, or age -- all things that could prohibit attendance at a destination wedding. So, when it comes to the gift, I don't know. I've only actually attended one destination and it was actually pretty local, so all I paid for was two nights in a hotel and car travel. I got a normal sized gift. Normal in my area I'd say is $100-150. That being said, I think it's rude to ask for gift cards on a registry, especially in a specific amount. I mean, people will figure out that they can get gift cards without you putting it on the registry.

Daisy77 · January 2011

Yikes....first of all, are you sure she sent this? Is it typical of her to misspell words and word sentences like that? Just wondering as my SIL recently told us her email had been hacked and was sending all sorts of weird crap. However, if it's legit....

If you chose a destination wedding, be grateful people can even attend. I wanted one to keep it small and we'd take the money for a big wedding and put it towards flying our friends/immediate family to join us. However, DH wanted the big wedding so we did that.

As for registry info, the bride-to-be should NOT be sending it out at all. Word of mouth, fine. But mass email? Nope. Especially for a $100 minimum gift list. Ouch.

myoo · January 2011

A wedding website? WTH is that?

Yeah, it ALL sounds tacky. The good thing about gift cards is you can make them in whatever denomination you want. Same goes for a gift too, maybe get them something from the store but not on their registry and let them return it themselves. You shouldn't be expected to shell out like that.

Kitten80 · January 2011

Daisy77:

Yikes....first of all, are you sure she sent this? Is it typical of her to misspell words and word sentences like that? Just wondering as my SIL recently told us her email had been hacked and was sending all sorts of weird crap. However, if it's legit....

If you chose a destination wedding, be grateful people can even attend. I wanted one to keep it small and we'd take the money for a big wedding and put it towards flying our friends/immediate family to join us. However, DH wanted the big wedding so we did that.

As for registry info, the bride-to-be should NOT be sending it out at all. Word of mouth, fine. But mass email? Nope. Especially for a $100 minimum gift list. Ouch.

Yes! I am sure, she asked about it a few days later.

She is also a facebook attention seeker (either "poor me!" so people ask whats going on, "no one loves me!" so everyone gushes how much they love her, or "people suck" comments aimed at whomever she is pissed at - she also regularly unfriends/refriends people as she is mad at them and finally, PDA for my brother that are very high schoolish or inappropriate- one of her friends finally asked her "you know we can all see these, right?")-

so she has been making constant comments on facebook like "people are so ungrateful. If you don't WANT to attend my wedding, great! 6 more spots for other family or friends!" I don't know what the story was behind it (I don't ask), but it made her look bad- I mean 6 people is a lot to fly and put up even for a weekend! And they chose a date during spring break weeks so flights and hotel are double what they are the next weekend.

Kitten80 · January 2011

myoo:

A wedding website? WTH is that?

Yeah, it ALL sounds tacky. The good thing about gift cards is you can make them in whatever denomination you want. Same goes for a gift too, maybe get them something from the store but not on their registry and let them return it themselves. You shouldn't be expected to shell out like that.

They were popular a few years ago...my friends and family all had them and we did one too. Basically it was for the guests to check out - info about the bride and groom (nice if you don't know one or both real well), location and info of wedding so people could see it ahead of the invite (and after if they lost it), you could add pictures and other info such as the registry. It was like wedding at a glance for the guests. Even my IL's older friends all loved using it, so I guess it was nice. IDK if people still do them, we all got married in a 3 year span. I know the Knot did them and some other sites did too.

I am glad to see I am not alone in my thoughts. I think I will stick with getting something small and a gift card to the home improvement store (not a huge one though).

axr8111 · January 2011

SDo you think it is odd to send out an email with your registry info, particularly before invites?

Yes this is very odd. She just may not have really known what to do and people may have been asking her already so she decided to tell everyone at once. I wouldn't be overly annoyed about it.

Especially when it is full of expensive items and your wedding is a destination wedding?

Wedding gifts are usually expensive. Shower gifts tend to be less but since she's not having one, it's not as necessary to have all the smaller item things. You don't have to buy off the registry it's just a suggestion and some people may decide to go in together to buy a gift that is out of their budget. Again, I don't think this is that big of a deal.

Or has that much changed since I (and all my friends) got married 3.5 years ago? We would not have dreamed of such a thing (and my step mother and father would have had an absolute hysterical fit!).

WDYT?

And, while I am asking, what do you do when you attend a destination wedding as far as a gift?

I ALWAYS give a normal gift even for destination weddings. Going away is still a vacation for us and I wouldn't expect them to pay for my gas or hotel if I was just driving to the wedding so I also wouldn't expect them to pay for any part of my trip to their wedding. If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't go. That being said, if I was a bride having a destination wedding, I wouldn't expect gifts.

Oh and wedding websites are great if you have a lot of out of town guests. I never had one, but they seem to be more popular in recent (less than 4) years at least among my friends. I am out of state from most of my oldest and dearest friends and have really appreciated seeing wedding websites to learn about their plans for the big day.

Kitten80 · January 2011

axr8111:
She just may not have really known what to do.

sorry, I can't seem to get italics to work, this is what bugged me: she did know because she asked on facebook that day! And got a LOT of replies not to send it. Replied to those comments and within hours sent it anyhow.
my friends and I were all taught and read to but gifts in all price points. I think what I thougt was really annoying was listing giftcards only in $100 and up increments. With little notes "as much as possible would be helpful"
Or has that much changed since I (and all my friends) got married 3.5 years ago? We would not have dreamed of such a thing (and my step mother and father would have had an absolute hysterical fit!).
WDYT?
And, while I am asking, what do you do when you attend a destination wedding as far as a gift?
I ALWAYS give a normal gift even for destination weddings. Going away is still a vacation for us and I wouldn't expect them to pay for my gas or hotel if I was just driving to the wedding so I also wouldn't expect them to pay for any part of my trip to their wedding. If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't go. That being said, if I was a bride having a destination wedding, I wouldn't expect gifts.

Oh and wedding websites are great if you have a lot of out of town guests. I never had one, but they seem to be more popular in recent (less than 4) years at least among my friends. I am out of state from most of my oldest and dearest friends and have really appreciated seeing wedding websites to learn about their plans for the big day.

Kitten80 · January 2011

I couldn't get my phone to work when I was trying to reply to above. The thing that bugs me is if she receives gifts off registry, she is very likely to throw a public fit on facebook "calling the person out" and most of the guests will have a hard time paying for the trip alone...those that have said they can't afford it she has publicly called ungrateful. My family will not see our new baby until around a year because we had to cancel our vacation to pay for this "vacation"...they chose the last weekend in spring break whoch is twice as expensive as the very next week. So we won't be able to afford to do as much on said vacation. That said, of course I will go to support my brother, but found it annoying she asked for registry info on facebook and then ignored everything people told her. We had a local wedding and provided transportation from venue to hotelwhere we had negotiated a very fair rate for our guests and only got 3 "expensive" gifts. That is not "the norm" in our area/family and friend social groups.

I agree the website was helpful for our guests, particulalry out of town guests. They did not do one, which would have been nice

Daisy77 · January 2011

Wow....she sounds like a piece of work, sorry:( I can't stand people who use FB to whine about every.single.thing or to call people out. However, it's a great way for everyone to see your true colors!

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