Opinions on still posting on IF

kthappy76 · January 2011

lyse2143:
Let me clarify, I by no means think that thread was directed at ME specifically. However, it is taken person when people would rather some random fertile person get pg over someone who has struggled with any part of IF, especially as stated by ladies in that post, people who have coverage or people successful in the first few cycles. I get that IF is tough, and we have bad days, and we feel sorry for ourselves and have a hard time being happy for others. But I NEVER would say that I'd rather see someone else pg over someone struggling with IF. This is not a game of who deserves it more, or who has struggled more.

The OP said she was more JEALOUS of IFers getting pg than fertiles, bc she can't even relate to fertiles anymore, and that she thought is was likely flameworthy. She said nothing of who was more or less deserving or what she'd rather see.

ams8099 · January 2011

madelyn07:
Mrs.AmandaMqn:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
But I just think morale is really low right now on IF and it's manifesting in posts like that one.
This. IF hasn't exactly been full of good news lately...we just got through the holidays, had bad news, everything all combines and makes life suck.
As you all know, IF is our safe-haven, some place where we can voice our opinions, share our feelings, our worries and all...and I hate to think that we are being judged by those who've been lucky enough to have found success and are no longer in our shoes. You have to remember what it is like...sometimes people just have a really bad day..or week..or month..or year and need to let it out.

I understand that everyone has bad days and needs to vent. Totally understandable.

We may have been lucky enough to have had success, but many of us are dealing with high-risk pregnancies, PTL, bedrest, and other issues. We may be pregnant, but the feeling of IF never goes away.

kthappy76 · January 2011

ams8099:
kthappy76:

I can pretty much guarantee you that these feelings were not directed at you Lyse. I think it's hard for people, even IFers, to fully understand other people's experiences, but I can only imagine that someone who paid OOP and got a BFN had a "harder" time that I did (getting a BFP and having insurance), but I'm also pretty sure they wouldn't want to trade places with me now. But I have no ill will towards BFPs, people just need to know when it's time to move on from IF (again, I'm not talking about you specifically).

Hey sweetie, I hope you are doing well. I totally agree with your statement about moving on.

I don't think Lyse is taking it personally. I guess some people just feel that the post is saying, "You didn't struggle with IF as "badly" if you got KU on IVF#1 as a person who went through multiple treatments."

It's almost like it's comparing how bad one had/has it. IF is IF and you should never be jealous of success.

I'm always saying this on IF, it's not a pissing contest. I think people who insist on seeing it as such are just making themselves more miserable (see siggie quote), though I recognize this is human nature and IF brings out the worst in us. But IF is a place where people feel they can vent, without having people who have moved on jump all over them.

ams8099 · January 2011

kthappy76:
ams8099:
kthappy76:

I can pretty much guarantee you that these feelings were not directed at you Lyse. I think it's hard for people, even IFers, to fully understand other people's experiences, but I can only imagine that someone who paid OOP and got a BFN had a "harder" time that I did (getting a BFP and having insurance), but I'm also pretty sure they wouldn't want to trade places with me now. But I have no ill will towards BFPs, people just need to know when it's time to move on from IF (again, I'm not talking about you specifically).
Hey sweetie, I hope you are doing well. I totally agree with your statement about moving on.
I don't think Lyse is taking it personally. I guess some people just feel that the post is saying, "You didn't struggle with IF as "badly" if you got KU on IVF#1 as a person who went through multiple treatments."
It's almost like it's comparing how bad one had/has it. IF is IF and you should never be jealous of success.
I'm always saying this on IF, it's not a pissing contest. I think people who insist on seeing it as such are just making themselves more miserable (see siggie quote), though I recognize this is human nature and IF brings out the worst in us. But IF is a place where people feel they can vent, without having people who have moved on jump all over them.

That's how some took it. IF is a safe haven, I understand that, I would never dream of going to IF and posting my feelings on that post there.

ohiostategal · January 2011

I haven't read through all the responses, but I don't post much over there because I don't want to hurt others still going through it. My logic is, I got pg with much less invasive procedures than many. Because of that I feel like me posting when people are on their first, second, third IVF is just insensitive. I lurk and post occasionally when I feel it is appropriate. I even have a hard time posting to bfns over there now though because I feel like the last thing someone that got a bfn will want to see is my ticker after a TI cycle.

Deanne Shehane · January 2011

I am confused, why wouldn't someone post their beta and ultrasound photos on this message board? Isn't this where you go when you are "pregnant after infertility"? I could se how it would be tough for so many if you posted it on the Infertility board. I'm sorry, I would never want to hurt or offend anyone but this just doesn't make sense to me,

madelyn07 · January 2011

ams8099:
madelyn07:
Mrs.AmandaMqn:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
But I just think morale is really low right now on IF and it's manifesting in posts like that one.
This. IF hasn't exactly been full of good news lately...we just got through the holidays, had bad news, everything all combines and makes life suck.
As you all know, IF is our safe-haven, some place where we can voice our opinions, share our feelings, our worries and all...and I hate to think that we are being judged by those who've been lucky enough to have found success and are no longer in our shoes. You have to remember what it is like...sometimes people just have a really bad day..or week..or month..or year and need to let it out.
I understand that everyone has bad days and needs to vent. Totally understandable.
We may have been lucky enough to have had success, but many of us are dealing with high-risk pregnancies, PTL, bedrest, and other issues. We may be pregnant, but the feeling of IF never goes away.

I'm not really sure how you want me to respond to this...you can't really think that we don't know this..that just because we are still on IF we don't know all of the issues and dangers and concerns that come with being pregnant, right?

I wasn't even one of the ones that said anything about this jealousy thing..I haven't even finished my first IVF yet. I just don't really think it is very "supportive" to go over to IF, where women are struggling with IF every minute of every day, read something and then say that you don't like it and so on and so forth.

You either get that we need to vent and talk through our feelings or you don't. And if you do, I can't see how you could essentially say those feelings are wrong.

Yellow_Daisy · January 2011

kthappy76:
lyse2143:
Let me clarify, I by no means think that thread was directed at ME specifically. However, it is taken person when people would rather some random fertile person get pg over someone who has struggled with any part of IF, especially as stated by ladies in that post, people who have coverage or people successful in the first few cycles. I get that IF is tough, and we have bad days, and we feel sorry for ourselves and have a hard time being happy for others. But I NEVER would say that I'd rather see someone else pg over someone struggling with IF. This is not a game of who deserves it more, or who has struggled more.

The OP said she was more JEALOUS of IFers getting pg than fertiles, bc she can't even relate to fertiles anymore, and that she thought is was likely flameworthy. She said nothing of who was more or less deserving or what she'd rather see.

I agree that the OP was not one of the people that was talking about people being more or less deserving. I got that she was venting. It was where *some* of the other posts went that was hurtful. It just felt like some of the posts were really dogging on those who had been successful and to me that kind of sucks. The women on S/PAIF are the same ladies that have offered support, hugs, kindness, information to all the women on the IF board, we have stood right beside all of you, so yes it hurts to hear negative things said even if it is just venting.

It is what it is, but it will make me think twice about posting on IF, which makes me sad because there are still so many ladies I am following and rooting for.

Yellow_Daisy · January 2011

Deanne Shehane:
I am confused, why wouldn't someone post their beta and ultrasound photos on this message board? Isn't this where you go when you are "pregnant after infertility"? I could se how it would be tough for so many if you posted it on the Infertility board. I'm sorry, I would never want to hurt or offend anyone but this just doesn't make sense to me,

People aren't posting betas or u/s pics. They are posting a message that basically says if you are interested in an update I have posted on PAIF. It is something that has been done on the IF board since before PAIF, it used to be "I posted an update on SAIF". The reason people do it is because 1) they don't want to post the details on IF and 2) because people on IF are always saying they want to know what is going on with S/PAIFers and 3) some people don't lurk on S/PAIF because it is painful. So by giving them a heads up if someone wants to see an update they can and if they don't they don't have to.

vanessagorc · January 2011

Amers8301:
scooterq:

::coming in from IF::

I personally like when p/saifers post on IF to offer support, answer question, offer insight, etc. I think you're fine sweetie! Please don't stop popping over!

This!! Please dont stop checking in

DITTO!

kimarino13 · January 2011

I still post over there when I can, and I even answer polls. But I am pretty sure that those who know me don't mind. I hope newbies don't mind, but I would rather take the risk than make my IF sisters feel like I "abandoned" them. That would break my heart. Even though I am "on the other side" now, I still remember exactly how I felt when in the trenches and hope I can still support them (and throw lightning cars at drive-bys). Wink

Temp935838312504158 · January 2011

After reading through all this drama, all I have to say is you lovely P/SAIF ladies are welcome to respond to ANY of my posts ANYTIME over on IF!

I have been on the IF boards for about a year now & I have seen SO many of you finally blessed with your BFP's & move on to these other boards & I am so very happy for you all. It gives me hope that I too may one day join you. All you ladies have been great resources to my questions as well as many others & have offered wonderful support. I'm not ashamed that P/SAIF is one of the boards I check daily along with IF to see how all of you are doing & I will continue to do so. It is such a shame that you would feel like you are "unwelcome" on a board that most of you spent so much time on & made so many wonderful friends.

IF sucks & it can suck the life out of you & make you bitter as hell. But when you can't be happy for someone you have watched struggle & has finally gotten their BFP whether it be the first IVF or the 5th, then there might be an issue with yourself that requires some intervention. I have been TTC for 4 years now with 2 m/c & a failed IVF & I can still find happiness in hearing of a BFP to those who are so deserving. I may have IF but I sure as hell won't let IF have me & I refuse to let it make me bitter.

Much love to you ladies....

vanessagorc · January 2011

I really think this is just a rough time over on IF. We have had a lot of BFNs, cancelled cycles, and m/c's.

The thread was not started to offend anyone, and IF is IF. It SUCKS for all of us. When i first started posting, i almost felt not "infertile" enough bc my cycle was going so well.

I felt guilty bc i was cycling w someone who could only afford 1 IVF, where i could afford muliple cylces. I did get pregnant on my IVF 1, and i've been over here and back again.

It's just hard for all of us, but people are just venting and will never please everyone. We LOOOOOOOOOVE you ladies, and are cheering you on! But somedays, some people, are just going to feel jealous. If you got pregnant on your first clomid pill, or your 8th IVF, if you had coverage, or if you are independantly wealthy.....YOU ALL DESERVE ur BFP's, just as much as the rest of us. So sometimes that's just going to sting some of the current IF posters on any given day. (Prob why there are 2 boards). Because....we all want to be here with you, and just aren't yet.

Please don't feel unwelcome, and just know sometimes people just need to speak their feelings.

Rachael07.07.07 · January 2011

kimarino13:
I still post over there when I can, and I even answer polls. But I am pretty sure that those who know me don't mind. I hope newbies don't mind, but I would rather take the risk than make my IF sisters feel like I "abandoned" them. That would break my heart. Even though I am "on the other side" now, I still remember exactly how I felt when in the trenches and hope I can still support them (and throw lightning cars at drive-bys).

You're still my favorite caddy beotch.

Lightning

Devil

And as for everything else and the dead horse....

No one is right here. The only thing we can all agree on is that we all have bad days, weeks, months, years. It's hard to see anyone get something you so desperately wanted and you are left out. It's hard to see crackwhores get pregnant with baby #8. It's hard to have your bankrupt sister get pregnant (sorry, couldn't resist). It's hard to see someone get pregnant after one clomid cycle, their first IUI or their first IVF. It's hard to feel like you're not more unfortunate if you don't have awesome infertility coverage.

The point is, we all have our beasts. We all have those moments. It's the same thing as that beautiful thin popular girl that eats fast food every meal and never had to study to ace a test in law school. We're envious. Do we ever wish ill will on the them? No. Just as I might have my green headed monster rear its ugly head in fits of jealousy, most of the time I'm just sad and scared. I'd be willing to bet that most of us still on IF are this way. I'm envious of others good fortune but not in the way that it would ever make me dislike anyone because of their "easier" journey. In some circumstances, like Lyse pointed out, it is partially because of success stories that OOPers get to cycle. I'm getting donated meds for my last hail mary cycle. When I was matched I cried because I'm eternally grateful for their generosity.

So please S/PAIFers, don't for one second think that we aren't happy for you. We'd all just love to trade shoes with you. I know I miss thehell out of a lot of you. We know you're scared and your IF journey will always be a part of who you are...who you were...but we're still there. It's still our reality. We all just need to keep supporting each other. I know I need to do a better job at actually posting over here and offering support to those that have moved on.

As a side note, as pp has said, there are a lot of newbs over on IF so I'll make sure to post an fyi about having SAIF in siggies.

tinkerbelle · January 2011

I'm sort of on the same boat as 2Hopeful and a couple of other people. My IF journey (the actual fert. treatment period) has been very short compared to other ladies. That's the main reason that, after I got a BFP, I moved on over here. I still lurk in the IF board, think of and support people over there, but I don't want to offend them or "rub it in."

And Rachael07, sorry for beating the dead horse one more time.

*whack*

There we go, I'm done Wink

kimarino13 · January 2011

OMG. Crying

Rachael07.07.07 · January 2011

kimarino13:

OMG.

bwahahahahahah ha hahahaha

wait

ahahahahahahaha

o.m.g. That was one fun friday evening/saturday morning.

CarrieB. · January 2011

Those messages on IF were hard to read. I did post my first 2 betas on IF and I also did get pg on my first IVF. But we didn't all of a sudden do IVF. It was after 3 1/2 year of TTC, many dx and a lot of heartbreak. I don't usually go on IF, but there are a few people who I like to check in on. And its not like the pain of IF ever goes away either, so I think that makes it hurt more.

DeputiesWife · January 2011

scooterq:

::coming in from IF::

I personally like when p/saifers post on IF to offer support, answer question, offer insight, etc. I think you're fine sweetie! Please don't stop popping over!

Please dont stop posting. I LOVE the support!

LCS040209 · January 2011

bubbas-mama:
After reading through all this drama, all I have to say is you lovely P/SAIF ladies are welcome to respond to ANY of my posts ANYTIME over on IF!
I have been on the IF boards for about a year now & I have seen SO many of you finally blessed with your BFP's & move on to these other boards & I am so very happy for you all. It gives me hope that I too may one day join you. All you ladies have been great resources to my questions as well as many others & have offered wonderful support. I'm not ashamed that P/SAIF is one of the boards I check daily along with IF to see how all of you are doing & I will continue to do so. It is such a shame that you would feel like you are "unwelcome" on a board that most of you spent so much time on & made so many wonderful friends.
IF sucks & it can suck the life out of you & make you bitter as hell. But when you can't be happy for someone you have watched struggle & has finally gotten their BFP whether it be the first IVF or the 5th, then there might be an issue with yourself that requires some intervention. I have been TTC for 4 years now with 2 m/c & a failed IVF & I can still find happiness in hearing of a BFP to those who are so deserving. I may have IF but I sure as hell won't let IF have me & I refuse to let it make me bitter.
Much love to you ladies....

THIS EXACTLY!!! You expressed my feelings exactly. You girls are ALWAYS welcome to offer your support and advice on my posts. I refuse to let IF make me a bitter person as well. That is just not who I am. I may have a bad day, but I am certainly not bitter. love you girls!!!

chelfe22 · January 2011

I stopped posting on IF after I got my positive beta. I didn't want to upset anyone that I got pregnant after just one IVF. From the discussions, it seems like that was probably a good call. I do still lurk to see how people are doing, because I do care, but it's hard to know when it is ok to post or not to post so I just err on the cautious side.

gidge · January 2011

LCS040209:
.
THIS EXACTLY!!! You expressed my feelings exactly. You girls are ALWAYS welcome to offer your support and advice on my posts. I refuse to let IF make me a bitter person as well. That is just not who I am. I may have a bad day, but I am certainly not bitter. love you girls!!!

I'm bitter and I'll admit it - my uterus is actually probably black and shrivelled with bitter and people feel sorry for my husband :P

(sorry - I just can't let a discussion about bitter go without a bitter ute comment.... and I need a distraction from work Big Smile )

Maddie753 · January 2011

Hi Ladies,

I am tip toeing in from IF/3T. I read the post on this board and IF and I have to say that I love when you guys post on our boards. I dont agree with some of the responses on IF. You all have been through it and know how we feel. Alot of you have helped me in the past with ?'s and for that I am always thankful! I dont think posting updates is a bad thing. I am often looking for them and rooting you all on. After reading that post, I am afraid of what will happen if I get a BFP on IVF#1. I feel like I have been posting on 3T/IF for quite some time and have answered/supported as many women as I can. IF sucks for everyone and everyone has been through a different struggle. At the end of the day we need to support one another.

Thank you to all you amazing ladies that have helped me. I am so thankful you guys are pregnant because you give me hope.

I pray I will be joining you all in a few weeks.

Best of luck to all of you

Mrs.Voz · January 2011

Maddie753:

... I have to say that I love when you guys post on our boards. I dont agree with some of the responses on IF. You all have been through it and know how we feel. Alot of you have helped me in the past with ?'s and for that I am always thankful! I dont think posting updates is a bad thing. I am often looking for them and rooting you all on. ... IF sucks for everyone and everyone has been through a different struggle. At the end of the day we need to support one another.

Thank you to all you amazing ladies that have helped me. I am so thankful you guys are pregnant because you give me hope.

I pray I will be joining you all in a few weeks.

Boy, you miss a day and wow... what a way to catch up! I have to agree with pp and I haven't even read all of the posts.

I am oh so grateful to all of you! Hell, I love that this board exists (PAIF). I stalk the heck out of all of you ladies and enjoy hearing about your updates. You have all been great at answering my questions and even other current IF Boarders. I love that you all post so please continue to post/respond to my posts. I've been on the IF Board for a couple of years and personally, it's great to catch up with ladies who I knew back then and see where they are at. I still remember the first responses to my "intro" post were from Mrs.Babbsy, Smilee and LCB, in that order. (Shout out to you, Lovely Ladies!) And it's awesome to see where they are at in their journey and gives me hope for mine!

That's just my two cents worth! :-)

LCS040209 · January 2011

gidge:
LCS040209:
.
THIS EXACTLY!!! You expressed my feelings exactly. You girls are ALWAYS welcome to offer your support and advice on my posts. I refuse to let IF make me a bitter person as well. That is just not who I am. I may have a bad day, but I am certainly not bitter. love you girls!!!
I'm bitter and I'll admit it - my uterus is actually probably black and shrivelled with bitter and people feel sorry for my husband :P
(sorry - I just can't let a discussion about bitter go without a bitter ute comment.... and I need a distraction from work )

there is a difference between bitter with a sense of humor and just plain bitter. I'm cracking up reading your comment, "black and shriveled"

of course we all go through times of feeling like total crap and being bitter, but i guess i'm trying to say the last person i want to be bitter towards is someone who is dealing with/dealt with IF!

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