Opinions on still posting on IF

etoyama · January 2011

There's an interesting conversation On the IF board regarding jealously between us infertiles. I'm oversimplifying it, but you can head on over to see what I mean. This got me thinking again about something I'm a little worried over. I am unsure if it's appropriate to be posting on the IF board anymore. The reason I have been is because I have so many friends over there and I want them to know that I'm thinking if them and rooting for them. Ive been careful to post only on the big things - im not taking the polls or anything. But at the same time, the last thing I want to do is flaunt my pregnancy. I never, never want to do that. I obviously only post on the threads that are s/paifw, but I still worry about offending someone. I guess I don't know what's the right thing anymore. What's your opinion on this? Thanks for the input - I really appreciate it.

scooterq · January 2011

::coming in from IF::

I personally like when p/saifers post on IF to offer support, answer question, offer insight, etc. I think you're fine sweetie! Please don't stop popping over!

MoFree · January 2011

Is it okay if I respond? I am thrilled when PAIF ladies respond to questions, offer support, share their experiences, offer opinions. What I DO NOT appreciate, and I think that I can speak for many of the board regulars, is when someone posts with "U/S update" or "Beta update" on PAIF. Many of us check regularly and are perfectly capable of locating the board if we want updates. IMHO, it's kind of like rubbing it in, so I would appreciate if people refrain from posts of that nature.

jennype · January 2011

You have most likely seen my convo over there. I feel really bad if I did anything to upset anyone. I did not feel comfortable posting here until I heard a hb. I guess that was the wrong choice. I also did not want to just take off once I got a bfp. So many people have been helpful over there. Uggg, I hate this!

MoFree · January 2011

jennype:
You have most likely seen my convo over there. I feel really bad if I did anything to upset anyone. I did not feel comfortable posting here until I heard a hb. I guess that was the wrong choice. I also did not want to just take off once I got a bfp. So many people have been helpful over there. Uggg, I hate this!

My comments were not aimed at your specifically but to anyone who posts their u/s or beta updates on PAIF.

smilee · January 2011

MoFree:
Is it okay if I respond? I am thrilled when PAIF ladies respond to questions, offer support, share their experiences, offer opinions. What I DO NOT appreciate, and I think that I can speak for many of the board regulars, is when someone posts with "U/S update" or "Beta update" on PAIF. Many of us check regularly and are perfectly capable of locating the board if we want updates. IMHO, it's kind of like rubbing it in, so I would appreciate if people refrain from posts of that nature.

Can I tell you ( w/o sounding creepy) that although I do not post as much ( I really don't post as much any where any more) that I stalk you and so many other ladies. Even if it is from my phone in the middle of the night ( which I have no idea how to post from) I am always looking out for you girls and looking for updates and thinking of you. Not sure if that matters or not, but I will never forget where I came from and the support I received.

( yeah... the stalking part sounds creepy... no way around that! )

ALY1981 · January 2011

I feel like I'm one of those--the one who posted a lot on IF and gave/got a lot of support, got a BFP after my first IUI and then left after my 2nd beta. I truly hope I didn't hurt or offend anyone on IF. Simply put, I didn't want to rub it in or make anyone feel like crap. I know I would have hated me. I know there are a ton of people on IF that have had a much longer journey than I did, and I wish it wasn't this way. Sometimes I honestly feel like it's not fair that I am pregnant and others on IF aren't.

ScooterQ (((HUGS))) miss you and hope you are doing well

DrVWife · January 2011

Personally I stopped posting over there when I got my BFP...I just did not want to upset anyone. I remember how I felt when others that cycled around me during IVF #1 got BFP's and I got a BFN. It was so hard.

I have posted maybe once or twice...to something major going on and always if it said SAIFW in the post. I figure if anyone wants to see what is going on with me they will pop over here and check in.

My heart still goes out to everyone still there...so much so that I have a heard time writing my blog because I feel guilt for being pregnant when others who had a better chance than me to get pregnant and have not. I know I should not but I guess the scars of IF never leave.

Amie8301 · January 2011

scooterq:

::coming in from IF::

I personally like when p/saifers post on IF to offer support, answer question, offer insight, etc. I think you're fine sweetie! Please don't stop popping over!

This!! Please dont stop checking in

hollymichael · January 2011

jennype:
You have most likely seen my convo over there. I feel really bad if I did anything to upset anyone. I did not feel comfortable posting here until I heard a hb. I guess that was the wrong choice. I also did not want to just take off once I got a bfp. So many people have been helpful over there. Uggg, I hate this!

Please don't feel bad. I think the initial post may have started because of you, but it wasn't anything you did wrong. She was posting more about jealousy and how she feels. I think that the thread took off from there, but wasn't directed at you personally. I think you handled it all very well too.

hollymichael · January 2011

scooterq:

::coming in from IF::

I personally like when p/saifers post on IF to offer support, answer question, offer insight, etc. I think you're fine sweetie! Please don't stop popping over!

This! I hate it when PAIF take off and never show up again. It makes me feel so left behind. I can use all the support I can get!

njohnson1972 · January 2011

I post sporadically. I don't post about me, but more in support of them. Especially if I feel I can help - IVF related, poor responder, or DOR or AMA related. That is my specialty I still consider it my home board.

I typically won't post unless I see SAIF/PAIF welcome in their siggy. I do think there is a new wave of ladies there that don't really know about SAIF/PAIF in the siggy thing though.

MontyMrs · January 2011

I still try and congratulate BFP's and send my sorry's for sad news/BFN's for those that I've gotten to know when I was on IF. I'm certainly not as regular as I could be, but I feel such a connection to IF and the girls still fighting the fight. I try and be careful and sensitive to feelings there because I remember so clearly all those feelings.

jennype · January 2011

hollymichael:
jennype:
You have most likely seen my convo over there. I feel really bad if I did anything to upset anyone. I did not feel comfortable posting here until I heard a hb. I guess that was the wrong choice. I also did not want to just take off once I got a bfp. So many people have been helpful over there. Uggg, I hate this!
Please don't feel bad. I think the initial post may have started because of you, but it wasn't anything you did wrong. She was posting more about jealousy and how she feels. I think that the thread took off from there, but wasn't directed at you personally. I think you handled it all very well too.

Thank you. And I feel really stupid for posting the u/s update. I mainly did it bc people had wished me luck this morning on the if board.

Yellow_Daisy · January 2011

I still post over there. Not as much as I used to because I don't want to be insensitive, but if someone asks a question I can answer I do or if I see an update on one of the ladies I know then I usually respond. I try to moderate how much I post, but I know after being on that board for years how sucky it feels when people get their BFP and never come back.

FWIW, I think it is impossible to please everyone. There will always be some people who want us there and some who don't.

ETA: I'll be honest though it feels like a kick in the stomach to hear the comments about people getting pg on IVF #1. Yes I was someone who did, but it was after 6 yrs, scraping every penny we had together to save for IVF and pay for my ongoing health care that has nothing to do with IF. It wasn't an easy journey and it took every penny we had. It's just hard to see an assumption that even one IVF was easy to obtain and that being successful somehow makes your struggle less than someone else's. I hate when IF becomes a competition of who has struggled more or whose pain is more valid. Sorry maybe I am just hormonal and overly sensitive, but the post really hurts to read.

Itmamma · January 2011

I still post over there sporadically. I want to offer my support as I can and try to only post when PAIF is welcome but to be homest I am exhausted at the end of the day and don't always check.

No more updates about me but I try to answer the ?? that I can.

When I got the dx of DOR I felt like the only one and it was really helpful when njohnson answered my posts, it gave me hope and peace of mind. I hope I could do the same.

lyse2143 · January 2011

MoFree:
Is it okay if I respond? I am thrilled when PAIF ladies respond to questions, offer support, share their experiences, offer opinions. What I DO NOT appreciate, and I think that I can speak for many of the board regulars, is when someone posts with "U/S update" or "Beta update" on PAIF. Many of us check regularly and are perfectly capable of locating the board if we want updates. IMHO, it's kind of like rubbing it in, so I would appreciate if people refrain from posts of that nature.

I apologize. I did this, but I honestly just didn't want to put it there if people wanted to see it, but figured if people were interested or felt like it they could look, but if not it wasn't there. I didn't mean to rub anything in.

Etoyama - I've been worried about this too.

kthappy76 · January 2011

I'm unfortunately back on IF now, but after I got pg, I stopped starting threads. I think my last was for beta #2. There is no guarantee, but you need to move on. After being there for a year, I knew the drill. Once you get pg, scoot scoot and ask any pg ?'s on here/SAIF. IF is a safe place and no one likes an AW, people know where to find you.

That being said, jealousy others may have over how many cycles you've done, and insurance, and # of babies, etc. is silly and purely the issue of the person with the problem IMO. If you handle yourself appropriately, you can feel fine about your journey. Just my 2 cents...

2HopefulMoms · January 2011

I personally don't post on IF anymore because I'm afraid I'm not welcome. Compared to most ladies there, my journey was very short & some might even say it was infertility to begin with. I loved all of the ladies there & wish I could still post there, but I feel it would upset more people than not.

2HopefulMoms · January 2011

2HopefulMoms:
I personally don't post on IF anymore because I'm afraid I'm not welcome. Compared to most ladies there, my journey was very short & some might even say it was infertility to begin with. I loved all of the ladies there & wish I could still post there, but I feel it would upset more people than not.

Meant to say "...it WASN'T infertility to begin with."

lyse2143 · January 2011

You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.

ej708 · January 2011

I've wondered about this, too.

I've continued to post on there some, but only to offer support (on happy or sad posts) and answer questions when appropriate.

However, having read that post, I fall right into the category they are talking about: 1st IVF, twins, haven't been TTC nearly as long as many of them. I'm not sure what to do now. I want to offer support where I can, but I certainly don't want to cause more hurt in the process.

mdluv21 · January 2011

I hardly ever post on there unless they specifically ask for PAIF or it is a lady I know.

It does hurt my feelings though that they think it more painful to see someone get pregnant after one IVF that just some random fertile person. I didn't realize it was such a pain competition. We were OOP and had it not worked for us during the first one or the FET of any embryos we had left, we would not have been able to afford more or not for a very long time.

I lurk there all the time and am always rooting for them. I don't care if it is IUI #3 or IVF#1 or IVF#5. It is all hard and everyone going through it needs support. I liked hearing from the ladies who had been through what I was going through and had similar issues and had found success. It gave me hope.

ams8099 · January 2011

lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.

I agree with you Lyse. It a slap in the face for those who are fortunate enough to get KU on IVF #1.

ams8099 · January 2011

mdluv21:
I lurk there all the time and am always rooting for them. I don't care if it is IUI #3 or IVF#1 or IVF#5. It is all hard and everyone going through it needs support. I liked hearing from the ladies who had been through what I was going through and had similar issues and had found success. It gave me hope.

Yes

lyse2143 · January 2011

ams8099:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
I agree with you Lyse. It a slap in the face for those who are fortunate enough to get KU on IVF #1.

Last I knew, we were all in this together. It was a competition of who has it worse, who deserves it more, etc. That is horrible to imply that. Guess they wouldn't want any free meds either since I didn't have to pay for them.

ams8099 · January 2011

lyse2143:
ams8099:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
I agree with you Lyse. It a slap in the face for those who are fortunate enough to get KU on IVF #1.
Last I knew, we were all in this together. It was a competition of who has it worse, who deserves it more, etc. That is horrible to imply that. Guess they wouldn't want any free meds either since I didn't have to pay for them.

Yeah. I thought IF was IF no matter how many cycles you have been through. I guess we were mistaken.

OrangeSmoke · January 2011

lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.

As someone who's done multiple IVFs - I'll admit that I totally get what Patchen is saying. It's really not a slap in the face... it's not about you. It's about being so sad becuase you realize that you are more broken than you had ever imagined and even the most advance treatment cannot "fix" you. I always knew I would need "help" to get pregnant, but never ever in my life I imagined I would need 4 fresh and 1 frozen cycles. It's a sense of desperation that your time is running out and that you may never have the one thing you so desperately wanted.

I still get that twinge of jealousy when I hear people getting KU on their first IVF.

jennype · January 2011

mdluv21:
I hardly ever post on there unless they specifically ask for PAIF or it is a lady I know.
It does hurt my feelings though that they think it more painful to see someone get pregnant after one IVF that just some random fertile person. I didn't realize it was such a pain competition. We were OOP and had it not worked for us during the first one or the FET of any embryos we had left, we would not have been able to afford more or not for a very long time.
I lurk there all the time and am always rooting for them. I don't care if it is IUI #3 or IVF#1 or IVF#5. It is all hard and everyone going through it needs support. I liked hearing from the ladies who had been through what I was going through and had similar issues and had found success. It gave me hope.

You took the words out of my mouth. I ALWAYS wanted to see a bfp for everyone. Who knows what everyone's journey was before they found the board. I lurked for over a year bc of the negativity I saw on other boards. I felt comfortable on IF after a while and opened up.

bbakersgirl75 · January 2011

Hey Ladies! I'm butting in from IF. I honestly don't have a problem with the love and support you all offer from answering questions, to sharing experiences of where you came from. It's how we all learn. I do agree though that I stalk all of you ladies on PAIF DAILY!!!!! (I just never post, because I don't feel like it's my place? Yeah I know I'm silly). But I just wanted to say that I will ALWAYS welcome PAIF/SAIF because you've been through it and we can all learn something. We've been through this horrible journey together and can all lean on each other. How many other people IRL do you know that have gone through this 1/2? Here we get 100's!!!! So just my opinion but I love hearing from you all and will forever welcome you

I mean we all come from the same place right?

gidge · January 2011

This topic seems to come up every few months, but I think overall we love it when you guys stop in for support! I know I don't have SAIFW in my siggy but that's mostly because I'm lazy or like feeling like a rebel or something Stick out tongue

Please don't be hurt by the things in the post. We're all human and get jealous and I don't think anything was said to make others feel bad. If we did 1 IVF, I'd probably be jealous of someone whose first IUI worked or those darn surprise BFPs! I'm jealous of anyone who didn't have to seriously consider donor gametes or who had embryos to transfer even if the cycle didn't work out. (heck, I told dh I was jealous of a coworker the other day because she gets to start IVF before we get to do our next one).

It doesn't change anything but sometimes it's nice to wallow a bit. I think it's all just one of the extra little jabs of infertility. As happy as we are for the successes, it's impossible to avoid the bs feelings that come with being left behind.

Dang I'm wordy :P

Mrs.AmandaMqn · January 2011

lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.

You know what? I'm not even pregnant and it shocked me to read that. But I just think morale is really low right now on IF and it's manifesting in posts like that one.

njohnson1972 · January 2011

ams8099:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
I agree with you Lyse. It a slap in the face for those who are fortunate enough to get KU on IVF #1.

I don't think it is meant to be hurtful. She even said it may be flameworthy.

We all want to be successful on the 1st try. But as you keep going down this journey without success - the odds are grimmer that you are going to be successful and that is very scary for them, for us.

I admit that for the ladies that have been at this on the IF board for a long time, it hurts me more to see them get BFN than someone on the 2nd IUI who just started down the IF path. Maybe it is because their journey has been longer, but usually it is because I have been watching their journey longer.

kthappy76 · January 2011

lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.

I can pretty much guarantee you that these feelings were not directed at you Lyse. I think it's hard for people, even IFers, to fully understand other people's experiences, but I can only imagine that someone who paid OOP and got a BFN had a "harder" time that I did (getting a BFP and having insurance), but I'm also pretty sure they wouldn't want to trade places with me now (no baby, no more ins.). But I have no ill will towards BFPs, people just need to know when it's time to move on from IF (again, I'm not talking about you specifically).

aebaby · January 2011

I've never once had a BFP...and I'll admit that a lot of the IF girls on the board have been in it a lot longer than I have. But I honestly appreciate the feeback the S/PAIF girls give on the IF board. People who come on there and are immediately going through their first IUI and worry, worry, worry on the board only to end up with a BFP? Yeah...those people irritate me. And I'll generally shoo them away to the 1st tri board on their BFP announcement post.

And I'll be honest...I don't really think of IUIs as treatment for true infertiles. I've had PLENTY of IRL friends get their BFP only after mulitple IUIs...but imo its really a matter of opinion and mostly based on experience. IUIs didn't work for me and I have a low reserve, so we're moving onto mini ivf. But if I couldn't afford ivf or if my RE did not recommend it...you bet your sweet arse I'd be paying for IUIs like crazy...and absolutely consider myself infertile.

I get the unknown part of infertility....but so many times (even in my own case) I think we as a society are so caught up in instant gratification. Our REs know we want to be pregnant and have babies....so if the fastest way to that goal is IVF, its almost like you're on the IVF train faster than you can even think it.

But i guess back to the original point.....if/when I know someone is going in for their first beta, second beta....or even their first ultrasound (especially when its someone I recognize bc they post often - ahem Jenny), I honestly look forward to hearing their news! Otherwise I wouldn't be stalking the board like I do!

And am I jealous? HELL YES....but if there's hope for someone, by god there's got to be hope for me.*

*Disclaimer - I very well may feel incredibly different if I end up having little or no success with mini ivf only to go on to see posts with surprise bfps, twins, etc., etc

meg_koole · January 2011

bbakersgirl75:
Hey Ladies! I'm butting in from IF. I honestly don't have a problem with the love and support you all offer from answering questions, to sharing experiences of where you came from. It's how we all learn. I do agree though that I stalk all of you ladies on PAIF DAILY!!!!! (I just never post, because I don't feel like it's my place? Yeah I know I'm silly). But I just wanted to say that I will ALWAYS welcome PAIF/SAIF because you've been through it and we can all learn something. We've been through this horrible journey together and can all lean on each other. How many other people IRL do you know that have gone through this 1/2? Here we get 100's!!!! So just my opinion but I love hearing from you all and will forever welcome you I mean we all come from the same place right?

THIS EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!

Does it hurt that others get pregnant and make me question if I ever will? Absolutely, do I feel a little bit sad but 99% happy? Of course! Would I rather it be any of you former IFers then anyone else in the world. NO QUESTION!

I would say that 75% of my IF board friends has moved on to PAIF in the time that I have been posting. I couldn't be happier for those gals. I still hope to join them before they are all SAIFers

Love you ladies.

lyse2143 · January 2011

Let me clarify, I by no means think that thread was directed at ME specifically. However, it is taken person when people would rather some random fertile person get pg over someone who has struggled with any part of IF, especially as stated by ladies in that post, people who have coverage or people successful in the first few cycles. I get that IF is tough, and we have bad days, and we feel sorry for ourselves and have a hard time being happy for others. But I NEVER would say that I'd rather see someone else pg over someone struggling with IF. This is not a game of who deserves it more, or who has struggled more.

madelyn07 · January 2011

Mrs.AmandaMqn:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
But I just think morale is really low right now on IF and it's manifesting in posts like that one.

This. IF hasn't exactly been full of good news lately...we just got through the holidays, had bad news, everything all combines and makes life suck.

As you all know, IF is our safe-haven, some place where we can voice our opinions, share our feelings, our worries and all...and I hate to think that we are being judged by those who've been lucky enough to have found success and are no longer in our shoes. You have to remember what it is like...sometimes people just have a really bad day..or week..or month..or year and need to let it out.

ams8099 · January 2011

kthappy76:
lyse2143:
You know I commented here before I read the whole post. I have to say most of that post is a slap in the face. I mean nevermind that we've all struggled with IF, but now the fact that I got pg on only #2 rounds of IVF and especially since I didn't pay OOP, I'm resented? That's a slap in the face for all the support that I gave to those women. Wow. I'm really hurt right now.
I can pretty much guarantee you that these feelings were not directed at you Lyse. I think it's hard for people, even IFers, to fully understand other people's experiences, but I can only imagine that someone who paid OOP and got a BFN had a "harder" time that I did (getting a BFP and having insurance), but I'm also pretty sure they wouldn't want to trade places with me now. But I have no ill will towards BFPs, people just need to know when it's time to move on from IF (again, I'm not talking about you specifically).

Hey sweetie, I hope you are doing well. I totally agree with your statement about moving on.

I don't think Lyse is taking it personally. I guess some people just feel that the post is saying, "You didn't struggle with IF as "badly" if you got KU on IVF#1 as a person who went through multiple treatments."

It's almost like it's comparing how bad one had/has it. IF is IF and you should never be jealous of success.

dolphinsmakemesmile · January 2011

Hi girls! IFer in the house

. I read each response and could relate to everyone's points. There's no right or wrong. It's just how people feel. Let's face it. We've all had those days where you stare IF in the face and sometimes it is just unbearable. Plus there was a big rash of BFPs. Nothing wrong with that, but it is really hard not to be jealous. That being said, I stalk P/SAIF all the time to see everyone's updates. Personally, I love hearing from you guys on IF. It gives me hope. I'm sorry this even has to come up. As mentioned, this seems to come up every now and again on IF, so don't worry jennype, I don't think you caused it (BTW, congrats!-twins so exciting!!!) Miss you girls and hopefully us IFers can post here soon

. P.S. Sorry for the long paragraph. I'm on my iPad.

lyse2143 · January 2011

madelyn07:
This. IF hasn't exactly been full of good news lately...we just got through the holidays, had bad news, everything all combines and makes life suck.
As you all know, IF is our safe-haven, some place where we can voice our opinions, share our feelings, our worries and all...and I hate to think that we are being judged by those who've been lucky enough to have found success and are no longer in our shoes. You have to remember what it is like...sometimes people just have a really bad day..or week..or month..or year and need to let it out.

Just because I have had success does NOT mean I am not scared every day that this won't work out or that I don't remember all those days, weeks, months, years of heartache of dealing with IF. I'd hate to think just because we've been lucky enough to have success we are being judged by those we would love nothing more to do than support.

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