S/O to Bad Mom Time: It really bothers me...

Cassian · January 2011

That I see so many people on here post about things they do with or feed their children or how they are raised, then immediately either follow up with a hasty explanation of why, or some guilty justification of it, as if trying to calm the masses and avoid flaming.

Are we really that judgemental of our fellow moms on this board that we just can't post about feeding juice and feel fine about it? Or talk about how we gave our child a cookie and not launch into an immediate backstory or justification? Or preface anything about our child watching tv with I'm a bad mom?

I see so many of these kinds of posts, and it just really bothers me that you ladies act like its confession or that you need to justify these things, because obviously someone out there has made you feel like that. I don't judge any of you for any of this, and I'm sorry if you feel that way.

RoxBride · January 2011

I hear ya. But I'm guilty of it, because often I just want to say "hey, here's what we did, worked for us" and be done, and I just don't want to have to justify my decisions when someone challenges them. So you throw in a disclaimer.

Honestly, I think on a lot of topics, this board skews a bit to the overly worried side.

I mean, no child is going to be harmed by drinking some juice. No child is going to be harmed by not drinking juice. It won't raise or lower their IQ or make them obese or obese proof for life. Probably the one thing that can harm our kids is if we spend so much time worrying about what we are doing compared to what others are doing and justifying our decisions and researching them.

Oh, and of course, a justification for this post! :-) The juice is just an example. I don't care how many times people post about trivial decisions and the like, because it can be interesting to see what other people do.

schmoodle · January 2011

I don't have superhuman confidence, so yes, seeing literally dozens of people (generally ones you respect and like) openly disagree with actions you're taking can make one feel the need to justify said action. It's basic human nature and just the state of parenting today. Not blaming anyone here or in real life and I didn't feel personally judged by the juice post or others, but recent posts and seeing friends IRL feed their kids blackbean burgers and water when mine has juice and cookies kind of highlights the difference. If someone who sleep trained spent a few weeks on the AP board reading about how terrible it was to let their baby cry, I think there would be few who would TRULY not feel the need to justify their choices, even for self-assurance. Or maybe I'm just WAY more insecure than everyone else.

BelleBaby · January 2011

This was exactly the tone of my response to the OP. I'm so tired of the holier than thou types that get on here and rip you a new one if you give your kid anything that they don't deem "appropriate". My niece went through a stage where all she would eat were fruit loops, pizza, hotdogs, and mac and cheese. You know what she ate? Those foods. Because it's what she would eat and my SIL knew it wouldn't last forever. Sometimes you just do what you have to do and move on.

It baffles me that people have the time and energy (and audacity) to come on here and judge other moms for their choices. That's why so many people follow statements with disclaimers. They just know that someone is going to come along and disapprove!

oct11bride03 · January 2011

I agree that it's unfortunate that we feel we have to justify our actions as parents, but I think that's just reality. I believe even the most secure, self-confident person compares themselves to others. It's just human nature.

schmoodle:
Not blaming anyone here or in real life and I didn't feel personally judged by the juice post or others, but recent posts and seeing friends IRL feed their kids blackbean burgers and water when mine has juice and cookies kind of highlights the difference.

I'm SO with you on this, schmoodle! I see a lot of posts about kids eating healthy things that even we don't eat and K certainly has never had, and I feel a little guilty about the pancakes and sausage she has for breakfast every morning.

GypsyEsq · January 2011

Really I see this backpedaling and "explicating" (yes, I know it's not a word) all the time IRL and on the boards. I guess I don't see it here as often and that's why I made the whole "morph into 12-24 comment" below because it seems unusual to me. We're not "those" ladies. Anyway, I think parenting makes us all a bit sensitive to the supposed-tos and never-dos of other parents. We all do the best we can and call it a day.

schmoodle · January 2011

And FWIW, I was being facetious re: the "bad mom" title to my post, I don't truly think I am a bad mom, but no, I wouldn't be surprised if some do think I am (in that regard, i.e. feeding) based on my child's eating habits, even if they would NEVER say it out loud and no one has ever given the direct impression here.

BoxTer · January 2011

Interesting post, and I think this is somewhat at the root of why I don't post here much anymore, though I do still lurk. I feel like an outlier in many of my parenting-related choices. I work FT and have no desire to SAH, I don't get sad about sending N to daycare, DH and I travel without N several times a year and we enjoy our time away, I hated BFing, we started getting sitters when she was six weeks old, she eats chicken nuggets and other non-healthy food often (and I'm just glad she eats something), and I don't want to have more kids to the point where I got an IUD to avoid a suprise BFP. I know I don't have it all figured out in the parenting department - far from it - and I used to second guess myself a lot, especially when I would read about what other people on here were doing. Now I don't let it bother me, but at the same time, I know that my opinions tend to differ greatly from what I perceive the general attitude of the board to be so I just don't feel like I have that much to contribute anymore. It's not a knock on anyone or on the board - I think the women on here are great - I just don't feel like I really "fit in" here, for lack of a better word. But that's OK. As long as people respect each other's choices, there shouldn't be a problem. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, nor do I expect to feel the same way as everyone else.

ESTH2000 · January 2011

interesting..I think we respond with these kind of posts because we may feel like ..wait..I can't be the only one who's kid drinks juice??? and for me to see others post ..yes my kid drinks juice make me feel a little better ...just an example..

so I don't think it is all about justifying but I do get what you are saying

and whoa ...

BelleBaby:

This was exactly the tone of my response to the OP. I'm so tired of the holier than thou types that get on here and rip you a new one if you give your kid anything that they don't deem "appropriate". My niece went through a stage where all she would eat were fruit loops, pizza, hotdogs, and mac and cheese. You know what she ate? Those foods. Because it's what she would eat and my SIL knew it wouldn't last forever. Sometimes you just do what you have to do and move on.

It baffles me that people have the time and energy (and audacity) to come on here and judge other moms for their choices. That's why so many people follow statements with disclaimers. They just know that someone is going to come along and disapprove!

has this happened on this board??? (an honest ?) correct me if I'm wrong but I have yet to see anyone be judged on "this" board ...even if we post that we offer juice..it is posted in a way where it is nice enough to be like its just the way its in that particular home...to each is own...but maybe I just don't realize the judgy one..????

madhatter2003 · January 2011

I think it's a blend of being 'worriers' on the internet in general....and people having kids at different stages. When my DD was 1 her favorite food was spinach quiche, I kid you not. Now, it's spaghettio's. Same kid, I didn't change...she did. And she'll change back I"m sure.

BelleBaby · January 2011

ESTH2000:

interesting..I think we respond with these kind of posts because we may feel like ..wait..I can't be the only one who's kid drinks juice??? and for me to see others post ..yes my kid drinks juice make me feel a little better ...just an example..

so I don't think it is all about justifying but I do get what you are saying

and whoa ...

BelleBaby:

This was exactly the tone of my response to the OP. I'm so tired of the holier than thou types that get on here and rip you a new one if you give your kid anything that they don't deem "appropriate". My niece went through a stage where all she would eat were fruit loops, pizza, hotdogs, and mac and cheese. You know what she ate? Those foods. Because it's what she would eat and my SIL knew it wouldn't last forever. Sometimes you just do what you have to do and move on.

It baffles me that people have the time and energy (and audacity) to come on here and judge other moms for their choices. That's why so many people follow statements with disclaimers. They just know that someone is going to come along and disapprove!

has this happened on this board??? (an honest ?) correct me if I'm wrong but I have yet to see anyone be judged on "this" board ...even if we post that we offer juice..it is posted in a way where it is nice enough to be like its just the way its in that particular home...to each is own...but maybe I just don't realize the judgy one..????

Not necessarily on this board, but others are a lot worse for this kind of thing. I wasn't actually directing that comment to anyone here, but it happens elsewhere. Sorry, didn't mean to make anyone here think they were the ones doing the judging!

I post mainly on 12-24 these days and there are several issues that bring up this kind of thing. But there's a whole lot of other craziness over there now, so at least we can't argue about whether or not you should RF or FF your LO!

ESTH2000 · January 2011

BelleBaby:
ESTH2000:

interesting..I think we respond with these kind of posts because we may feel like ..wait..I can't be the only one who's kid drinks juice??? and for me to see others post ..yes my kid drinks juice make me feel a little better ...just an example..

so I don't think it is all about justifying but I do get what you are saying

and whoa ...

BelleBaby:

This was exactly the tone of my response to the OP. I'm so tired of the holier than thou types that get on here and rip you a new one if you give your kid anything that they don't deem "appropriate". My niece went through a stage where all she would eat were fruit loops, pizza, hotdogs, and mac and cheese. You know what she ate? Those foods. Because it's what she would eat and my SIL knew it wouldn't last forever. Sometimes you just do what you have to do and move on.

It baffles me that people have the time and energy (and audacity) to come on here and judge other moms for their choices. That's why so many people follow statements with disclaimers. They just know that someone is going to come along and disapprove!

has this happened on this board??? (an honest ?) correct me if I'm wrong but I have yet to see anyone be judged on "this" board ...even if we post that we offer juice..it is posted in a way where it is nice enough to be like its just the way its in that particular home...to each is own...but maybe I just don't realize the judgy one..????

Not necessarily on this board, but others are a lot worse for this kind of thing. I wasn't actually directing that comment to anyone here, but it happens elsewhere. Sorry, didn't mean to make anyone here think they were the ones doing the judging!

I post mainly on 12-24 these days and there are several issues that bring up this kind of thing. But there's a whole lot of other craziness over there now, so at least we can't argue about whether or not you should RF or FF your LO!

awwwwww...I see..yes I have heard of "those"...one of the reasons I tend to stick to this one...thanks for clarifying!

Mr.&MrsS · January 2011

My kids watch tv, eat cookies and drink juice (well Brady drinks juice). And I dont feel bad about it. Sometimes in my explaining why we do something it might come off as justifying...but I dont do it to make sure people dont think I am a bad Mom. It is more just to explain how/why we do something to put it into context, if that makes any sense.

I feel I have a much more lax view on parenting than some people here do...but I dont feel judged by it. Just like i dont judge those who dont make the same decisions I make. We are all different, and different things work for each family.

Cassian · January 2011

Schmoodle,

I hope in no way did you take this as an attack on you or your parenting choices. I don't think that you think of yourself as a bad mom, and I caught the facetiousness in your post.

Your post was merely another to the bunch I have been seeing on here with that same quality of justification that moved me to finally post about it. I just see it so much on here, and I feel bad that mothers feel that way. You should have confidence in yourself as a mother. You love your child more than anything and try to do best by him. That's enough for me.

There are things we all may feel judgy about, me included, but I always remind myself that I do walk in that family's shoes, I don't know what works for them. I just know what I choose to do with my own child.

I don't talk about my choices much IRL because I tend to fall more on the "crunchy" side of things and most of the mothers I know, especially my SIL's, don't so I could come off as preachy if I talk about it a lot, so I keep it to myself unless asked. I don't want to make anyone feel bad about their choices.

LSUBride3 · January 2011

BoxTer:
Interesting post, and I think this is somewhat at the root of why I don't post here much anymore, though I do still lurk. I feel like an outlier in many of my parenting-related choices. I work FT and have no desire to SAH, I don't get sad about sending N to daycare, DH and I travel without N several times a year and we enjoy our time away, I hated BFing, we started getting sitters when she was six weeks old, she eats chicken nuggets and other non-healthy food often (and I'm just glad she eats something), and I don't want to have more kids to the point where I got an IUD to avoid a suprise BFP. I know I don't have it all figured out in the parenting department - far from it - and I used to second guess myself a lot, especially when I would read about what other people on here were doing. Now I don't let it bother me, but at the same time, I know that my opinions tend to differ greatly from what I perceive the general attitude of the board to be so I just don't feel like I have that much to contribute anymore. It's not a knock on anyone or on the board - I think the women on here are great - I just don't feel like I really "fit in" here, for lack of a better word. But that's OK. As long as people respect each other's choices, there shouldn't be a problem. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, nor do I expect to feel the same way as everyone else.

Holy crap i could have written this myself...I generally edit my thoughts so much before i post here and all the "pls no flames posts" to me are less than mild...they are usually trivial. Sometimes i want to ask, "is anyone else this miserable?"

fallbride110406 · January 2011

BoxTer:
Interesting post, and I think this is somewhat at the root of why I don't post here much anymore, though I do still lurk. I feel like an outlier in many of my parenting-related choices. I work FT and have no desire to SAH, I don't get sad about sending N to daycare, DH and I travel without N several times a year and we enjoy our time away, I hated BFing, we started getting sitters when she was six weeks old, she eats chicken nuggets and other non-healthy food often (and I'm just glad she eats something), and I don't want to have more kids to the point where I got an IUD to avoid a suprise BFP. I know I don't have it all figured out in the parenting department - far from it - and I used to second guess myself a lot, especially when I would read about what other people on here were doing. Now I don't let it bother me, but at the same time, I know that my opinions tend to differ greatly from what I perceive the general attitude of the board to be so I just don't feel like I have that much to contribute anymore. It's not a knock on anyone or on the board - I think the women on here are great - I just don't feel like I really "fit in" here, for lack of a better word. But that's OK. As long as people respect each other's choices, there shouldn't be a problem. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, nor do I expect to feel the same way as everyone else.

I agree with a lot of this, especially the bolded parts.

madhatter2003 · January 2011

See, I wonder if the boards overall (not this one per se, but all of them) would be different if more people posted what they did do. There is (especially on some boards) a very outspoken 'majority rules' thinking and other viewpoints are often overlooked, but I bet they are shared by many.

schmoodle · January 2011

Cassian:

Schmoodle,

I hope in no way did you take this as an attack on you or your parenting choices. I don't think that you think of yourself as a bad mom, and I caught the facetiousness in your post.

Your post was merely another to the bunch I have been seeing on here with that same quality of justification that moved me to finally post about it. I just see it so much on here, and I feel bad that mothers feel that way. You should have confidence in yourself as a mother. You love your child more than anything and try to do best by him. That's enough for me.

There are things we all may feel judgy about, me included, but I always remind myself that I do walk in that family's shoes, I don't know what works for them. I just know what I choose to do with my own child.

I don't talk about my choices much IRL because I tend to fall more on the "crunchy" side of things and most of the mothers I know, especially my SIL's, don't so I could come off as preachy if I talk about it a lot, so I keep it to myself unless asked. I don't want to make anyone feel bad about their choices.

No, not at all, no worries, I only replied to clarify that I wasn't feel particularly attacked or judged, was just joking around about typical insecurities.

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