If you are planning to TTC again will you try not to get "attached"?

Manderlin923 · January 2011

I know this is a LONG way off for many of us, emotionally and physically. But, if you are sure you'd like to try for a baby someday again, will you do anything differently? I mean emotionally.

My DH thinks I should try not to get so attached next time so early on. I was picking out baby names, talking to the baby, etc...and I don't know if the loss wouldn't have been so hard if I wasn't so connected already. Thoughts on this? Will you "hold back" next time just in case something happens again. Do you think it would help?

Is it even possible?

Eta- DS ticker below!

angelabrown810 · January 2011

I'm currently going through my second miscarriage and I can honestly say that this was a completely different experience from my first pregnancy (and loss). Because I was aware of how common mc's are and saw so many women drop off my birth month board the first time around due to mc, I was probably not as attached as a lot of women. I remember being surprised by how many people were ordering maternity clothes, telling their families and picking out nursery furniture only weeks into their pregnancies when the first trimester is such an uncertain time (this surprises me even more after going through this twice).

Still, I didn't fit what I believed to be the "profile" for miscarriage (I'm young and in perfect health as far as I know) so I didn't believe it could happen to me and when it did, just days before my 12wk appointment, I was devastated. This time around, the naivete of a first pregnancy was definitely gone and I wasn't as optimistic and to be honest I do believe it softened the blow a bit. DH and I didn't tell anyone (last time we shared the news with our parents and very close friends), I didn't participate in any bump boards or other online resources (Baby Center, etc.) and was basically just taking things one day at a time until I made it out of the woods. I was looking forward to taking a deep breath and being able to enjoy this pregnancy after making it out of the first trimester, but unfortunately I didn't make it that far.

Manderlin923 · January 2011

(DS ticker)

I'm sorry for your loss I too am on my second loss. For some reason this is so much harder, maybe because of the physical pain I've gone through and because I had more time with this baby.

But I do understand what you mean.First trimester is so scary. I almost expected this to happen this time and wasn't as naiive as I was the first time around. I told less people this time, only close friends and family members. But if/when I get pg again, I will only tell my DH and my sister and SIL (who has had a loss). It's too hard having to "untell" people.

angelabrown810 · January 2011

I totally know what you mean - the untelling is the worst. My situation was the reverse of yours - this time the baby stopped developing at 5 wks as opposed to 9 last time so while I'm still waiting for the process to get started, it will likely be less painful of an ordeal than last time. Plus, because of my first loss, my OB monitored this one more closely, so I knew right away that the outcome didn't look so great after my betas failed to increase sufficiently. In addition to steeling my nerves emotionally, I've had plenty of warning and time to prepare, where I was completely blindsided last time.

erikaja6 · January 2011

I only told two other people I was pregnant. So, I didn't have a lot of people to "untell", but it was still hard. My DH and I agreed if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, we won't tell anyone until I've at least made it through the first trimester. I still know I'll talk to the baby from the moment I know I'm pregnant, but I'll be a lot more cautious about getting my hopes up. This makes me sad. I was so naive during the beginning of my first pregnancy. I really miss that.

I had complications during the second trimester of my first pregnancy and after two and a half months of bed rest, my son was born prematurely. Although he's doing great, my husband and I know we'd be nervous during the second and third trimester of any future pregnancies. However, after experiencing this early miscarriage, we now think we'll be nervous during the entire pregnancy. Sigh...sometimes ignorance is bliss.

MrsR25 · January 2011

I wasn't far along with my 2nd m/c either, but I was farther along than with my first. I don't think I even said out loud that I was pregnant. I was terrified.

If (hopefully when) I get pregnant again, I think it'll be much much farther into my pregnancy that I actually even think about anything pregnancy related much less get attached.

LDW80 · January 2011

I am kind of torn with this question. We only want one more child so as much as I will be nervous and not want to get too "attached" I also don't want to go through my whole pregnancy trying not to get attached and then before I know it I missed everything. I most definitely won't go sharing the news as early (even though I waited until 9-10wks before we shared the news) and I won't be doing much baby-related stuff but I know I won't be able to go about my life trying to not think there is a baby growing inside me and trying not to get attached. I don't think it will help for me. I know once/if we get that BFP I will be excited but very cautious too so I am torn.

ekmOC · January 2011

Prior to my most recent loss, I had an early miscarriage at about 7 weeks, almost a year ago. With my first pregnancy, I was pretty quiet about things, did not inform many people (including my extended family) prior to my loss.

This time around, I was therefore reluctant to tell anyone until I felt confident things would go smoothly - I did not tell my parents until after having a normal 12 week ultrasound and told most others on a need-to-know basis until I was visibly pregnant. I did not have registry until about 18-20 weeks or later and did not purchase anything until about that time. I would say that my attachment grew as time went on, and the baby became much more a reality. As it happens, we had a very unusual experience of loss at ~31 weeks - certainly by this time my pregnancy was public information and we had definitely attached to our daughter.

Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that things can still go wrong when you least expect it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to grow to love your baby before it is born. Keeping quiet on your pregnancy does not necessarily make loss any easier, but at least it doesn't need to be discussed with as many people. I suppose the next time I would remain discreet again until obviously pregnant.

alexa08 · January 2011

I've been thinking about this as we're going to start TTC this month. We lost our LO at 18 weeks, so most everyone knew, but we had not started buying anything yet. I waited until 13/14 weeks to tell work most friends, we told parents and siblings at 7 or 8 weeks. I received so much support from family and friends after our loss, so the next time around I'd actually start telling friends sooner and enjoy having them know. I like that they all know what I'm going through and I think that has helped me feel like I can be honest, rather than hiding that I'm sad. That said I'd still like to wait until after the first ultrasound to be sure there is a baby.

alexa08 · January 2011

Anyhow, for getting attached, I'm not sure how I'm going to respond. I never felt really attached and it never felt real until it was too late; I think that was a mistake. A while ago another woman shared her daily affermation with her baby: today you're my baby and I love you. Or something along those lines. I'd like do that next time.

Manderlin923 · January 2011

alexa08:
Anyhow, for getting attached, I'm not sure how I'm going to respond. I never felt really attached and it never felt real until it was too late; I think that was a mistake. A while ago another woman shared her daily affermation with her baby: today you're my baby and I love you. Or something along those lines. I'd like do that next time.

This made me tear up...

WifeyWynn0626 · January 2011

I have a feeling I won't do anything differently. I will get excited, I will tell my family, friends and coworkers. From this board alone, I've seen that losses can occur at any time, for any reason and to not get excited about my next pregnancy, I would feel like I was cheating that child out of my love. And this is just my personal feelings, not a judgment on others. Just because I miscarried this time, doesn't change my odds of miscarrying next time. I know I'll be more worried internally about getting the horrible news again. But if I spend my whole pregnancy keeping it a secret from the world, I'd miss out on all the joys and milestones of a "normal" pregnancy and I don't want to cheat myself out of that.

Laurakat81 · January 2011

I don't think it is possible to not get attached and truthfully I wouldn't want it any other way. I enjoyed the heck out of my second pregnancy because I knew it could all be over with at any moment. When I lost my second baby I was so grateful to have had those positive memories. I think your DH telling you to not get so attached is a typical male comment....and not a practical one at all. There is no on or off switch to love.

Manderlin923 · January 2011

Laurakat81:
I don't think it is possible to not get attached and truthfully I wouldn't want it any other way. I enjoyed the heck out of my second pregnancy because I knew it could all be over with at any moment. When I lost my second baby I was so grateful to have had those positive memories. I think your DH telling you to not get so attached is a typical male comment....and not a practical one at all. There is no on or off switch to love.

I think you are right. In theory, holding back emotionally sounds like good self-preservation. But I don't want to keep myself from enjoying the positive moments. I am grateful for every moment I have had with my babies and I'd hate to miss out on the excitement, even if the fear is right there next to it.

kimmiekp · January 2011

I haven't read the other posts on here so hopefully I'm not repeating. I can tell you, the first miscarriage I had was so early on I hadn't had a chance to get my head around the fact that I was pregnant. So it wasn't so bad. The second time I was farther along, and I was more invested, but cautious because of the first miscarriage. With each subsequent miscarriage I was more cautious. But I can tell you that this last time I decided to throw caution to the wind and enjoy it. I was still cautious, but I also took the mind set that, nothing I did was going to doom or ensure. If that makes any sense. But I also didn't want to go through the pregnancy as a debbie downer and then wind up 9 months later with a beautiful baby and not having enjoyed the entire experience.

I look at it this way - no matter what you do, if you have a miscarriage you're going to be disappointed and hurt, you might as well try to enjoy the process while you're in it. That's how I keep going!

Fallon621 · January 2011

WifeyWynn0626:
I have a feeling I won't do anything differently. I will get excited, I will tell my family, friends and coworkers. From this board alone, I've seen that losses can occur at any time, for any reason and to not get excited about my next pregnancy, I would feel like I was cheating that child out of my love. And this is just my personal feelings, not a judgment on others. Just because I miscarried this time, doesn't change my odds of miscarrying next time. I know I'll be more worried internally about getting the horrible news again. But if I spend my whole pregnancy keeping it a secret from the world, I'd miss out on all the joys and milestones of a "normal" pregnancy and I don't want to cheat myself out of that.

This exactly!

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