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Need Advice re: Family Time
Does anyone have a parent or parent-in-law who keeps tabs on how often you see the other side of the family (i.e. your mom keeping track of how often you see your husband's family)? I really need advice on this because I don't know what to do.
It makes me really sad and upset that my mom feels this way. She picks fights about it and it's really starting to wear on our relationship, as well as make our visits really unpleasant and stressful.
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Re: Need Advice re: Family Time
I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to suggest other than being direct with your mom. I'm sorry she's acting that way.
I've got two. My mom and my SMIL. Though my mom is the worst. (knock on wood it hasn't happened in awhile!) The fights suck. It only gets worse when you have kids. We've adopted the "we're doing what works for OUR family" policy. And sticking to it is what I think helps.
My mom. She does it. I have nothing to help though. I live 3 minutes from my ILs but 3 hours from my parents. Of course I see my ILs more.
I tell her to come around more if that's what she wants. It's easier for her to come and see us than it is for us to throw Mads in the car and go and see them.
I do. It really upsets me too. Both of our parents are divorced and remarried. So we had to go to 5 of 7 Christmas events between friday at noon and sunday at two. What I have started saying to them is that we try to visit everyone as equally as possible. I also have to factor in that dh mom lives 1 hour away and our parents live less than 30 minutes.
One thing that has worked on non holiday seasons is for our to invite them over for dinner on a Sunday night, or they invite us over about once a month. That way they still feel like they have more time with us.
I will second the other posters comment "it gets MUCH worse when you have kids".
Years ago, our relationship was great with DH dad. But, then they moved to IN and we still lived in CA where we were only minutes from my family. The relationship became strained and his dad (and his wife, not DH's mom) now keep a tally of how often we see my mom. Fast forward several years and now everyone lives here in IN. We live only 2 minutes from my mom and brother, in the same development so naturally we see them all the time. DH's dad lives about 5-10 minutes away and we see them only a few times a year. But, his dad has caused that to be so. I have no regrets of this though. Our son is my Mom and brothers world and they are always loving on him and taking care of him and buying him things. You should have seen this kids birthday and christmas! Now, his dad...I have never seen him kiss our son once and he doesn't hold him unless my DH hands him to him. Its sad and not the way I imagine a grandfather acting, especially since our son is the only grandchild.
Things got drastically worse once we had our son last Dec. They caused a huge fight after he was born and literally asked my mom behind our backs on a very special day to our family "so, how often do you see the baby? we have only seen him twice". I was raging pissed when my Mom told me this. His dad always makes everything involved with my DH a big competition and after that big fight we have distanced ourselves. We literally laid down the law according to what works for our family and that is the way it is going to be.
I am sorry I don't have any concrete advice because everyone's family dynamic is different. But, I wanted to share a bit of our story to let you know you are not alone. I don't know why families have to be this hard. I am sorry you are going through this too. The best I can offer is be true to yourself and your DH, let your mom know it hurts you when she acts this way and that she is always welcome to see you guys but she has to understand you have your own life too. It isn't a competition between sides, that they only see you more often because they are closer in proximity.
MIL wanted to come stay a week after Mari was born because my mom got to come stay a week. Not that their definitions of "help" are at all the same, but there was some serious "equal time for equal relatives" going on there for a while.
So yeah, I hear you on how frustrating it can be, and I'm really sorry that it's stressing your relationship with your mom. It seems unrealistic and disrespectful for her to expect that she *shouldn't* have to schedule time with you in advance, especially since you're so busy.
If you're actually thinking about therapy, the last six years of my life are all screaming "go for it!!!!!" It obviously won't solve the problem, but can offer serious coping skills and suggestions for how to interact that can be really valuable for dealing with difficult relatives.
(((hugs)))
Mother's Day, 2011
Honestly I think I would just respond with "we don't keep track of how many times we visit each of our family members, and we see everyone when we can" and just leave it at that.
I'm sorry I hope it gets better
Hugs. Seriously.
I had a huge falling out with my mom over the past few days and I'm not even speaking to her and I kind of doubt we'll see her again anytime soon. She's acting really childish, and I just decided that I was done. I'm an adult, I'm married, I have kids of my own, and I'm not playing these stupid games anymore.
And well, the result is that she took everything I said to totally crazy levels, has blown up my phone, insulted me and in general, acted like a freaking lunatic - to the point that MH thinks she needs serious therapy. The emails she has sent and the texts are just...insane.
In the end, though, I feel relief. I'm glad I said something. I'm glad that I don't have to tip toe around these things anymore. If we do eventually work things out, I know I won't ever spend Christmas stressed to the effing max worrying about her reaction to things - I'll enjoy my kids and my husband and being around my family. She ruined our Christmas this year, which was unfortunate - and my priority is MY family. I'm not letting it happen again. So my advice: say what you think, stand your ground and remember that you are an adult. Good luck.