Recovering... physically and emotionally. (long)

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 Hello,
I have posted before but it has been a while....
My husband and I have been struggling with issues of infertility and pregnancy loss for over two years.  I am 36 and he is 33. Sadly, our journey has come to an end in a devastating way.  I am currently recovering from open heart surgery to remove a blood clot that lodged in my heart, as well as the removal of a pulmonary embolism.  Doctors believe they were caused by the medication I was taking at the start of an FET cycle. 
Our journey actually began with a miscarriage in early 2009, after seven months of trying to conceive.  Following the miscarriage, I was referred to a specialist who diagnosed me with Hypothyroid and put me on Clomid.  In January 2010, after one round of the drug, we were pregnant!  We were overjoyed!  But when my hCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers were not increasing enough, the doctor feared an ectopic pregnancy, which he confirmed a week later.  The ectopic pregnancy destroyed one of my fallopian tubes.  And so that summer, we moved on to In Vitro.  Our first attempt did not result in a pregnancy.  I remember that phone call from my doctor so well.  I was so certain I was pregnant that it was such a shock to hear the word "negative."  This time we were grieving a loss of a different kind.  The loss of hope, I guess you could call it. 
But we forged ahead and decided to try a frozen cycle, since we had three really good frozen embryos from the previous IVF cycle.  In September, the doctor put me on a BC pill to regulate my cycle and I began injections, but something did not feel right.  For weeks, I went to doctors who told me I had bronchitis, asthma, and possibly pneumonia.  Finally, in October, I was admitted to the hospital when an ER doctor determined I had a pulmonary embolism.  I sepnt one week there, b ut went home as bad as I went in.  At home, I did not seem to be recovering the way the doctors said I would.  A month later, during an ultrasound of my heart,  it was discovered that  a piece of  the clot had entered my right atrium and lodged itself there.  There was no option but surgery.  Needless to say,I was terrified.  Here I was, 36 with an otherwise healthy heart, undergoing open heart surgery!  Thankfully, the clots in both my heart and my lungs were removed.
It has been nearly six weeks and I am on my way to a full recovery.  I am awaiting test results to see if I have a genetic clotting disorder, but either way, this is the end of the line for us as far as pregnancy. We have considered surrogacy (my sister has so generously offered herself as a surrogate) but it is so expensive, and still not guaranteed, so we may just move on to adoption.  Most days, I am okay with this.  I just really want to be a mom and I want to raise a child with my incredible husband who is as wonderful as the son he is already raising.  But some days... oh boy... some days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  Whenever a friend or relative gets pregnant, I am always happy for them. But it feels like so long since I have just been truly happy for someone else...  Just happy, without that under-layer of sadness I feel for myself.  I don't want that anymore. 
I feel so lucky to be ALIVE right now, and to be married to the most amazing man and share in raising his wonderful son. And yet, as I lay awake this Christmas morning, I can't help but think of what was supposed to be... and I know you all understand this emotion, without actually knowing any of you. That gives me comfort and helps me to focus on what IS.  
Have a wonderful Christmas!!!