I know this has been covered 90 billion times (very long)

greenclown · December 2010

but can we discuss it again please?

How much help did you have after you brought your baby home?

If you want the long version of why I'm asking:

This morning at my appointment, my NP asked what our plans are after TLF gets here, in terms of people staying with us, help, etc. We've been planning on pretty much being on our own because a) it's already crowded in here and b) we'd like to get settled before we have anyone staying with us.

She was saying that we really need help, even if it's just with cooking, laundry, and cleaning, etc. So DH said, "okay, we'll just have my mom come down."

I am fine with them coming to visit for a few hours at a time, or even several hours, but I really, really, really don't want anyone staying with us. First of all, just talking about it makes my heart race. She is so critical of me and I already feel like I've become nothing more than a vessel for carrying her grandchildren. I can't predict the future, but I would bet large sums of money that she will push for ME to be doing the cooking/cleaning/laundry while she takes care of the baby. I have a feeling that this will turn into me taking care of everyone else. DH said we'll discuss it later because he could tell I was already on edge, but I have a feeling this is going to turn into a fight.

I know my mom would come and help with all this stuff (she lives for that kind of thing), but our relationship is too f-ed up for me to really have her here for more than a few days, plus we were already planning on having her come once DH goes back to work after a few weeks.

Can we do this on our own with just periodic visits? I mean, if it came down to it, I'd rather hire someone to do meal delivery and have our cleaning people come some extra times. I can pretty much guarantee that it's the only thing that won't mean more work for me.

andrew's wifey · December 2010

For the first week or so we didn't have anyone over at all. We spent all the time we could sleeping and eating and feeding. Chores kind of stood still in our house.

When DH went back to work after a week, my mom would stop by and wash clothes and dishes for us, and sometimes cook dinner. In those first two weeks, she also drove me where ever I needed to go.

We never had anyone stay the night with us or anything though. There have been a few nights when Andrew is working that I go to my parents' house for dinner and sleep there, but it's more for the company than for the help!

angiegail78 · December 2010

greenclown:

Can we do this on our own with just periodic visits? I mean, if it came down to it, I'd rather hire someone to do meal delivery and have our cleaning people come some extra times. I can pretty much guarantee that it's the only thing that won't mean more work for me.

Yes. We didn't have anyone stay with us and I had my mom come over a few times in the first couple weeks to help me clean. A couple of times friends came over and made meals for us.

robinsokj · December 2010

Honestly, if your "help" is going to stress you out more than help you, avoid it.

Help is great, but only if its truly helpful.

My mom was here for 3 weeks after I brought the boys home. It probably would have been about a week if there had only been one.

weelass24 · December 2010

In your case, tell them to stay away. How much time is your DH taking off? IDK what it will be like for a c/s.

In my case, the roids were so enormous from pushing, I couldn't walk upright for 4 days. I was home Wednesday evening. My mother came that night, stayed until Saturday morning, came back Monday afternoon and left Tuesday evening. I was unable to carry him at all until late Friday (roids) and then my milk came in, making it very painful again (arms). I could not have cared for him alone until Monday.

hippotree · December 2010

I didn't have a c-section, but we did not have any help when Henry was born. And the only reason we had help when Bennett was born was that we needed someone to stay with Henry while I was in the hospital.

It is hard to figure things out. I was a mess. My boobs were hanging out. I was leaking fluid. I was tired and in pain. I cried a lot (and so did my H). It's a joyous/scary/tough time that I didn't want anyone there for but us. My family is also the type that says they will help but then I end up helping them or doing what they said they would do.

Get food delivered or have your H go pick it up. If friends come to visit ask them to fold a load of laundry. You'll be just fine without help. And if you decide you aren't, you can ask your MIL to come stay at that time.

greenclown · December 2010

DH is going to be home for at least two weeks, possibly three. As far as the c-section, I don't know if it will be different than last time because I'll be full term, but I'm actually not that worried about that part, based on my previous experience. I will obviously need help taking TLF up or down stairs, but DH is going to be here.

She also said we should have someone here to help with breastfeeding, but my mother never breastfed and if DH's mom did, it was over 40 years ago. I'd rather call jCam. Or go to my doctor's office because it's 5 minutes away and every nurse in the practice is a lactation consultant.

wanttobeamom · December 2010

I had a c/s and we didn't have anyone stay with us either. We did it all on our own. My mom would stop by a couple times after she would get off work on her way home but that was about it. You can totally do it on your own

staycee · December 2010

in my situation: I don't really have much of a relationship with my MIL (even though she only lives 5 miles away). I mean we are pleasant the few times we do see each other, but I could never imagine her coming to stay (or even just coming by) to help. She doesn't know where I keep anything and it would just be uncomfortable.

Now my mom and I have a really good relationship. And even though she lives 60 miles away, she was planning on coming out a few times a week (this is with Sydney). Our first night home from the hospital, Sydney woke up at 12:45am screaming. She continued to scream straight through until about 7am. Only thing that quited her some was feeding, but that was short lived. Before the screaming stopped, at about 6:30am, I called my mom at my wits end. She said "Let me throw some stuff in a bag and I'll be there as soon as I can". She came and stayed several days. It was a HUGE help to me. Plus she used to be a NICU nurse, so she has experience with new babies.

I absolutely could not have made it through those first days without "mom" type help. My mom is a big believer in "I'll run to the store, make dinner, do your laundry... you just bond with that baby". And that's exactly what she helped with. Plus, I was so overly hormonal that I would just cry and cry off and on all day at the drop of a hat.

Daisy's mom · December 2010

I was all about "come and go" kind of help. I didn't want anyone staying with us overnight even on the very beginning. I'm close to my mom and MIL and they both live close (30 and 45 min away) but we wanted to take care of the babies ourselves. Family was visiting during the day, cooked meals, watched the babies while I napped,etc. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Was is easy? No. But I gave me the opportunity to bond with my daughters, learn from them and about them.

IMO if you can get someone during the day to watch TLF, do some laundry, prepare a meal or two - while you catch up on your sleep - do it. Overnight guests are slightly annoying.

akalutts · December 2010

I lived with my folks when I had DD, and as a single mom it was a life saver. I could never have done it on my own. That said, when you start bringing in people who aren't the parents, some of them start to feel certain "rights" with your child. Not everyone is like this, but if you even have a feeling that one of your family members will be like this, invite someone else to help.

-Make it clear they are coming to help YOU not TLF. They can cook, clean, do laundry, give him a quick snuggle, then vamoose. I would not have anyone staying over, or staying longer than a few hours at a time.

Hell, half the time I wanted to sit on the couch with no shirt on, watch junk TV and hold my baby. It's hard to do that when people are over.

haleymay18 · December 2010

I didn't have a c/s but my mom came over and stayed for a week after we had our baby. Looking back, I don't know how I would have done it without her. I know there are a lot of people that don't need help and are perfectly able to function without the extra hands but we weren't those people. With that said, if your help is going to add more stress then I am sure you would be able to do it on your own. Just lower your standards for any house care.

bancbev · December 2010

I had a c section and had zero help when we came home from the hospital. It was fine, and honestly in hindsight I am so happy it turned out that way.

My MIL wanted to come "help" so my compromise was for her to come down but rent her own place/hotel so that we could all have our space. As you know, I ended up going almost 2 weeks overdue, so by the time I had Ruby and came home from the hospital, my IL's had to leave the next day.

I did have friends bring me lunch a few days after we got home, because Bobby had to attend an all day training class.

My advice is to plan on being on your own. I really don't think you need help. Especially if the "help" is really no help at all. You do not need help taking care of the baby. What you need help with is- meals, laundry, cleaning, groceries. Your husband can do all that while he is off work, and then once he goes back, if you feel you still need help, then you can call in re enforcements.

You can order groceries and have food delivered. Send out the laundry if need be. Hire a cleaning service. Heck, you can even hire a postpartum doula to help you with whatever you need.

Looking back, had my MIL been here in my home all day/night long that first week or so, it would have been very very hard to establish breastfeeding. We also have a small place, and I needed the freedom to walk around with my huge swollen, drippy, painful, boobs hanging out. I seriously was focused on nothing but my boobs and learning how to feed my baby, and having anyone here but B, would have inhibited that.

You can PM or FB me if you want to know more about the huge fights B and I got into when it came to his mother coming to "help", and how I got him to understand why it was so important that no one stay in our home when we got home. I can also go more into details of my recovery if you want.

nikisnow · December 2010

I didn't have a c/s either, but I did have a pretty hard time walking due to my 9 lb big headed baby

I came home from the hospital on Thursday and DH was home with me until Monday. My mom stayed with us from Tuesday until Friday, and then I was on my own the following week. Honestly, once I was on my own, I didn't worry about laundry & cooking; DH did all of that. I was lucky that Maddie was good at breastfeeding right away, but I can't imagine how my mom or his mom would have been any help in that department. Like others said, if it's going to stress you out more than not having help, don't have her stay.

greenclown · December 2010

Thank you guys. This is all very helpful.

I had planned on doing it on our own, but this morning's conversation made me feel like I'm being unrealistic and I think it scared DH. I'm going to have him read your responses tonight.

Thank you.

Kristinmo · December 2010

I did not have a C-section so I can't speak to that. We did not have anyone stay with us. My MIL was here visiting the first 2 days he was home (stayed in a hotel) and honestly it annoyed me a lot more than it helped. She ended up saying some nasty things about me to my MIL because I didn't make her feel welcome in my home (Hello??? I just had a baby! I ddin't realize I needed to offer you drinks and snacks and make you fell comfortable.

Anyway... vent over... babies sleep a lot. I felt like I had more than enough time to get everything done. DH was home with me for the first week so that was fine then my mom came up for a few days (also stayed at at hotel) because I was nervous about being with DS alone. Looking back now that was silly and I would have been fine.

As far as BF'ing. I did have some issues those first few days. It is very painful and I was engorged so DS had a little trouble latching. It was more stressful with people there who didn't know much about BF'ing and couldn't help.

Bottom line- do what you're comfortable with. You'll be fine on your own.

dmogmo · December 2010

We had minimal help at home, and our families live close. My mom came over the first week that DH went back to work, but she went home at the end of the day. Even if we had room for her to stay I wouldn't have wanted a live-in guest. I think, if your MIL is going to make you uncomfortable, absolutely stand your ground that she come periodically and not stay for long periods. You don't need additional stress.

ETA: I did have a c/s. That really didn't have any impact on whether or not I needed an extra set of hands though (however, keep in mind that I lived in a one-floor condo at the time, if you have to travel stairs regularly that might make a difference).

DrBeepersWife · December 2010

greenclown:

DH is going to be home for at least two weeks, possibly three. As far as the c-section, I don't know if it will be different than last time because I'll be full term, but I'm actually not that worried about that part, based on my previous experience. I will obviously need help taking TLF up or down stairs, but DH is going to be here.

She also said we should have someone here to help with breastfeeding, but my mother never breastfed and if DH's mom did, it was over 40 years ago. I'd rather call jCam. Or go to my doctor's office because it's 5 minutes away and every nurse in the practice is a lactation consultant.

Not necessarily, Adelyn latched well in the hospital and I did not need anyone to help me once we came home. Unless your having latch issues, I can't see why you would need 'help.'

hippotree · December 2010

I agree with you about the BFing - just take advantage of the LC services as much as possible in the hospital, and have your H pay attention too. By the time he goes back to work you should have the hang of it. jCam would be a great resource since she has been through so much BFing Jamie and I am sure she'd jump at the chance to see your boobs.

ashdonne · December 2010

My mom came the day after we got home and stayed with us for about 1 week and then went home and then she came back for a couple days every so often to help. To be honest, DH and I had said that we were going to "do it ourselves" and didn't want help. I had this beautiful picture in my head of him, me, and baby with the birds singing etc. However, then our baby had a broken collarbone from birth and jaundice so had to go home with the billi lights and get tested at the hospital every day so I couldn't do it alone and I about had a nervous breakdown trying. It was invaluable to have her help because I was so exhausted.

staycee · December 2010

jumping back in to add my BF'ing 2 cents: I didn't have any milk for the first 5 days. Nothing. I'd pump and pump every 3 hours. And the lactation people had us feeding in an unusual way. I would hold a nipple shield to my breast, and hold the baby to the breast and DH would syringe into the side of the nipple shield some formula - that way the baby learned to suck at the breast to get food (until my milk came in that is). DH and I were doing this like every 3 hours. I was comfortable with my mom around while this was going on, but would not have been comfortable with anyone else around at all.

Once my milk came in, it took 6 more weeks of weekly visits with the lactation counselor to wean her off the nipple shield.

swimrbride · December 2010

My mom was there the day was came home from the hospital and made dinner for us. Then DH was off for the next week and we were fine with just us. When DH went back to work my mom took the week off work (she lives close to us) and stayed with us for a week and cooked and helped out around the house and let me get some sleep (Jake would only stay asleep being held at that point so she held him while I slept for an hour or so in the morning.)

As long as your H is going to be off work and is helpful around the house (ie, he can cook or knows how to call for take out, can and will clean, do laundry, etc) then I think you will be fine. By the middle of the week my mom was staying with us I was fine and would have been fine on my own (and I had my appendix taken out when Jake was 6 days old, which contributed to being tired and needing a little extra help).

I would have NEVER ever even considered letting my MIL come to help because I would have been doing everything and it would have stressed me out.

BravoBravo · December 2010

The inlaws actually flew out here the day DS was born. (It was planned because FIL was planning on starting the training for a new seeing eye dog) They were no help at all. And they moaned until DH left me in the hospital to go out to dinner and entertain them. I guess it was the drugs from the c/s that had me agree that it was ok. Thankfully we got them a room on post lodging so they did not stay here in the house. I would have liked if it was just us without "help" because they made even more work for me being here.

bensbabe · December 2010

I had a c/s, and my mom & ILs stayed with us for about a week---at the same time. I definitely would never do that again!!

It was hard b/c T was the first grandchild for both sides, so it was hard to say "no." Though I have a good relationship with both, I felt more like a hostess when I wasn't feeding him. Don't get me wrong, both mothers helped w/projects, cooking, & cleaning, but I felt like I needed to stay up and entertain, hold conversation, etc, when I really should have been sleeping. They did good & didn't try to monopolize him, or leave me doing the house chores. Even though our house is 1800sq ft, we only have three bedrooms, so it was still pretty tight.

My mom was great when I was breastfeeding. I was miserable, emotional, leaking, etc. I actually didn't take too many narcotics after I left the hospital b/c my c/s pain wasn't too bad. Most of my pain was in my arms & boobs. My mom helped me dress & latch, gave me pointers, etc. She has been a member of LLL, and she's a nurse (L&D at the time, but she's a NICU nurse now). DH was just at a loss sometimes when it came to that stuff.

Before I even got to the end of your paragraph, I was going to suggest a cleaning service coming at least once a week. Your DH should be capable of (supervised) laundry and in between picking-up/tidying. Food delivery service is great, or if you can look at a local culinary school to see if anyone wants to come & make some meals 2-3 times a week for some extra $$. It's worth a shot.

I am definitely doing it differently this time. My mom will probably come to help w/T, but my MIL will probably be more helpful there. I hope to VBAC this time, too, so I hope that will help things. HTH

pennyandandy · December 2010

Do you have any siblings or even a close friend that could come over and help? When my sister had her kids, I was the one that came and stayed with her for a week. Not only because I wanted to, and she asked, but because we knew my mom and her MIL would drive her nuts. They came home and had the first few days to themselves while BIL was off work, and then I came and stayed with them. I think this was the better option for her, because sisters sometimes can just do those things you need done without bugging you. I grocery shopped, cleaned, cooked, held the baby while she took a shower, etc.

I don't have a LO, but I would imagine that you could absolutely get by with someone coming over in the evenings to help, maybe to clean up and do a few loads of laundry, do some shopping/errands, let you get in a shower or cook a quick dinner.

Good luck to you, I know IL's (and your own family) can be a pain!

pmarie33 · December 2010

We didn't have anyone stay, but when the man went back to work, our moms took turns coming over a few times a week. This would give me time to take a shower or a nap. If I was feeding or O was sleeping, they did chores. Don't turn down any help unless they aren't really helping. I had MIL vacuuming the basement and mopping the kitchen. It was fabulous.

We also planned ahead for meals. The last few months, whenever we cooked, we made an extra meal to freeze. That way we could just pop it in the oven as needed. Those were life savers. Some people will probably bring you meals the first few weeks. These were great too.

kittybits21 · December 2010

didn't have a c/s, but ditto on the you can do it on your own. we didn't have anyone come over at all I think, DH just ran out and got us food, or I made pasta, lol. He was home for a week and then we were both sick of him being home and he went back to work. Of course, he can't sit around and do nothing as well as I can, so he was getting stir crazy and had to leave.

for my part in bfeeding, I did a blog post all about how the pain just came to a head one morning and both me and the burrito were crying in bed, so if you want some inspiration it's there, and I got a lot of help from stories on here as well! I called the LC at my hospital every day for a week after I got home. They were wonderful. We didn't actually have someone come out, but they did offer at the pediatrician to help again when we went for his 1st checkup.

GL GC!!

Mama_SAS · December 2010

c/s here too, so I'll add my experience and my thoughts.

My ILs were at my house when we brought DS home and it stressed me out. They were only here for one night and I'm so glad that it will be different this time - MIL will be at my house while I'm in the hospital but will be going home the day I get out. (FIL passed away a few years ago)

DH had to go back to work pretty quickly because we weren't smart enough to save up vacation time back then. Per my OB I wasn't allowed to carry baby up and down the stairs so in the AM DH would bring DS downstairs in the moses basket and I would come down and sleep more in the recliner. My mother would come over at a reasonable hour and help. She was pretty critical and overbearing.

This time DH has taken 3 weeks off so that he will be home full time. I do not feel that we need any more help than that. I'm sure some housework will get overlooked, but nothing we can't handle. By the time he returns to work DS will be back in school after his holiday break and I feel confident that I can handle it, unless there is some unexpected issue.

BravoBravo · December 2010

The only help I need for BFing was someone to refill my water jug because I was drinking water like it was going out of style!

jlee1106 · December 2010

My mom was with us for the first week. She was a lifesaver. But only b/c we're close and I didn't mind her seeing me all weepy, leaky, and stinky. Plus I had a c/s.

Then the next week, MIL came. Which was fine b/c things weren't quite as rough by then.

Week 3 we were on our own.

The help was fabulous. And it never really felt like we missed out on "just us" time. B/C at 1, 3, and 4 am - it's still just us.

heather_09_15_07 · December 2010

My MIL stayed with us some when we first came home and she was a huge help to me. She would take care of DD for an hour or so in the morning and let me get a little extra sleep, she would change her for me when we were up for middle of the night feedings.

It totally depends on the relationship you have with her. It sounds like she causes you too much stress to be much of a help.

Lambie. · December 2010

I didn't have a c-section. If I had of, DH probably would have taken a couple of days off work, maybe, he got screwed out of the days he planned on taking but that's another story.

I had no help ever other than DH in the evenings. My mom and MIL evetually came to visit but they were far more work than help since they both require entertaining and extra cooking cleaning, laundry etc, which is exactly why neither of them came before 6 weeks.

leslie13510 · December 2010

We never had anyone come stay and help us, and not only was it easier than I thought it would be, even with twins, but I loved having it as just the 4 of us. Our families would drive up and stay a whole day to visit every week or two, but other than that we did it all on our own. It did get a little difficult when DH went back to working 24 hour shifts a few times a week, but by then I had enough of a routine down that it really wasn't a big deal. The only thing that was a difficult at times was getting dinner done on the nights that he worked late, because that quickly became their witching hour(s), but we all survived and clearly no one starved to death since we're all alive and kicking today.

If it's going to make it awkward for you to have his mom there, then turn it down. Yes extra help is nice, but it's not worth it if you're going to be uncomfortable in your own home for a long amount of time, especially when you're trying to figure out how your new family works.

Meegs10.13.06 · December 2010

You can definitely do it on your own! While its great to have help, its not necessary. Just know that you'll probably have to relax your standards cleaning/chore-wise for a bit.

For us, we stayed home just us for the first week. It was great to have the family bonding time alone. It let us figure out our new family of three without any outside comment. My mom came down the following week to help me when Trav went back to work. It was nice to have her around since you're still figuring everything out, and she handled a lot of laundry/cleaning, or just holding the babe if I needed a few minutes to myself.

After that I was on my own during the day, and it was fine. The dishes and laundry didn't get done as quickly, but Gwen and I were fed and rested and enjoyed our time together to get to know one another.

magdalina.h · December 2010

My mom will be staying with us for at least a week to take care of ME. We plan on doing a large freezer cooking thing in a few weeks, but she will basically do whatever I ask during that week. That way H and I can take care of Nugget and I can heal better.

Of course you two could do it by yourself and I think in your situation I would.

N&G 5_26_07 · December 2010

The first week I think we only had a handful of visitors - my parents, MIL and my sister. NO ONE stayed with us - nor would I have wanted them to. (I would have refused this suggestion!)

Megan.10.06 · December 2010

I didn't have a c/s, but you don't want to know how far my episiotomy went either

We didn't have anyone come at all with Cole, and we won't again with this one. People did send us food, so when we needed to eat, we could pull something out of the freezer. That was a HUGE help, but even that I will do again myself to stock the freezer in advance.

DH was home for a week, and as far as I am concerned, he was the staying in help. He can do laundry, vacuum, and clean the toilet just as well as anyone else. I had serious latch problems, and I didn't want anyone there while I was trying to figure it out. My SIL came over and cooked for us one day and did the dishes after, and that was a nice visit, but that's about it. The second week alone was rough since I wasn't fully recovered, but it was manageable. I just had DH set up everything downstairs for me before he left for work so I wouldn't have to move much.

Bubbles1022 · December 2010

robinsokj:

Honestly, if your "help" is going to stress you out more than help you, avoid it.

Help is great, but only if its truly helpful.

Great point! My mom and dad were with me for the first 3 days after we came home from the hospital. But it was just during the day and early evening while H was at work. When I gave birth just happened to be the absolutely busiest time of year at work for my H.

Having my parents allowed H to work and not worry about me. And as soon as he came home they left for the night and the 3 of us could just be.

After those 3 days I was totally on my own when H went to work. I'm happy I just jumped into on my own almost right away. Really helped to start getting to know DD and how we were going to operate together if that makes sense.

GL figuring out what will work best for you!! Do what makes you most comfortable and happy. Screw everyone else and their opinions :-).

PDXtbird · December 2010

You have a bunch of replies, but I'll put mine in too. My mom came and stayed at our house while we were in the hospital to take care of the dog and cat. It was great not worrying about them, and she cleaned our house and got everything ready for us while we were gone. She came and visited us in the hospital, and held the baby while Mike and I napped. She flew out the day we got home.

I thought we wouldn't want anyone there, because a) I didn't have a good relationship with my mom either, and b) I wanted time for us to bond as a family. I asked people not to come for at least a couple weeks. However- those weeks were the hardest, loneliest weeks of my life. I ended up with PPD and just making it through the day was difficult. I was so isolated being home with just the baby when DH went back to work, not to mention exhausted, that if someone had just been there to give me a break and provide adult contact it would have been so much better. I had a hard time bonding with my baby because I was so lonely and overwhelmed.

On the mother note- my mom and I have never had a good relationship, but after I had Matthew it changed. I don't know how or why, but we're suddenly so much closer. I purposely live 600 miles away, but during maternity leave I called her every single day. Just the sound of her voice was soothing to me.

kiki_1218 · December 2010

DH took 3 weeks off to be home with us and we did just fine. My parents do live 4 house down and my mom would have come up in a second if I'd asked but we didn't need anyone. Granted DD was and still is a very sleepy baby. She only woke to eat, then went right back to sleep which made things pretty easy on us.

My SIL and niece came out to stay with us for about 5 days right before DH went back to work and for us it really made it worse for us.

dbsk8dance+ · December 2010

I, too, was opposed to having people stay with us during that time. I had a c-section and we were in hospital 5 days after delivery, but we were fine with the two of us taking care of baby and house.

My in-laws came by and brought food, but really, the baby was either asleep or on my boob most of the time, so DH could clean and cook and take care of us.

DH stayed home for 4 weeks, though, so that made a huge difference.

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