Need late-loss etiquette help

Tanya+Da · December 2010

So, one of my better friends lost her son at 19.5 weeks in August. I have researched and talked to her some about it. She validated that for her, she loves to talk about her son and to "ask away". However, I still want to make sure I don't cross any too painful boundaries...

We have both had losses and can relate to each other, however, I believe her loss comes with a totally different set of pain, grieving, etc.

I want to let her know I have not forgotten about him, that I know she is thinking of him and hurting this holiday season, and I am thinking of him and her as well. I want to ask questions that show this. So, I was thinking of asking something about if/how she is planning to memorialize him for the holidays (special ornament, etc). But, I am not sure if that is a good question. Any thoughts, help on how/what to ask???

TIA.

jertie · December 2010

Yu are such a thoughtful friend! Your friend is very lucky to have you in her life. I think that your initial set of questions is great. If/how she will be memorializing her son, etc. I would also just recommend a simple "You and your son are in my thoughts this season". I would also just ask her how she's doing. She may say "fine" or she might want to really get into how she's really doing - it's a tough question - but so nice to know that people care. GL!

CashewsMommy · December 2010

It is great that she told you to ask away about her son! I love to talk about Aurora.

What I like to tell people is that Aurora is always on my mind, so bringing her up is not "reminding" me about my loss, or making me remember about her. Because that thought is always there. So you'll never cross any boundaries.

What about sending her a special card and mentioning her son in the card? I think asking her what she is planning on doing to memorialize him this holiday is a perfect idea. That way, even if she didn't know what do to you could then give her some ideas.

(((hugs))) to her and you!

ravenorchid · December 2010

You sound like such a supportive, considerate friend which is so important to have after a late loss. I agree with pp that a simple message saying that they are in your thoughts during the holiday season would be helpful. If she named him, use his name. I love it when people refer to my daughter as Sylvie.

I posted right after you about an ornament I got for our LO. You could mention that to her or maybe even take a look at some of the non-personal ones that you could potentially give as a small gift.

babes12 · December 2010

just recognizing her loss is nice by saying something along the lines of i can imagine the holidays may be difficult for you this year and is there anything i can do for you? or if you want to talk please feel free to come to me. just ask her how she's coping/doing?

Also, did she name her baby? if so maybe you could find an ornament w/ the babies name on it. A friend bought us an ornament w/ Wyatt's name on it. it was very thoughtful.

your a great friend for making it a point not to forget.

tlcW0714 · December 2010

You are a wonderful friend!!! I wish I had one like you!! I agree with all the pp's. If she named her son, refer to him by his name. Let her know you have been and always are thinking of both of them. Maybe you could could get her an ornament, or just suggest some more ideas. ((HUGS)) to you for being such a great and supportive friend!!

Tanya+Da · December 2010

You have all been so helpful and wonderful!!! Thank you!

And HUGS to everyone on this board...it's a tough time of year.

camdenfaithful · December 2010

You are such a kind and wonderful friend.

I think you, as well as some other posters, suggested an ornament. I saw this ornament when I was out shopping the other day and thought it was very fitting.

Tanya+Da · December 2010

camdenfaithful:

You are such a kind and wonderful friend.

I think you, as well as some other posters, suggested an ornament. I saw this ornament when I was out shopping the other day and thought it was very fitting.

LOVE IT! Thank you!!

christyjolee · December 2010

I don't really have any ideas and the ladies here already suggested some great ones. I just wanted to say that you are a very sweet and thoughtful friend.

I think Cashew hit the nail on the head though. People always say that they don't want to say something because they don't want to bring it up and upset/remind the person. The person NEVER forgets, so that can't happen.

Sara&Mike07 · December 2010

CashewsMommy:

It is great that she told you to ask away about her son! I love to talk about Aurora.

What I like to tell people is that Aurora is always on my mind, so bringing her up is not "reminding" me about my loss, or making me remember about her. Because that thought is always there. So you'll never cross any boundaries.

What about sending her a special card and mentioning her son in the card? I think asking her what she is planning on doing to memorialize him this holiday is a perfect idea. That way, even if she didn't know what do to you could then give her some ideas.

(((hugs))) to her and you!

This exactly...he will be on her mind constantly, especially with the season, so asking her what her plans are is wonderful..and if she doesn't have anything in mind yet, offering some suggestions will really show her how much you care about her..and as PP said, using her son's name is key!!

Just a thought...I recently received a card from a friend who made a donation to March of Dimes in my son's name, she wrote in the card that she wanted to give Conner a Christmas present, and it touched me on an level I cannot even explain.

Temp774929562501329 · December 2010

you are a wonderful friend. i agree with all of the PP, i love to talk about ella and i absolutely love when people use her name. my sister got me the hallmark ornament and i love it. i also love receiving cards from people who are still thinking of us.

Tanya+Da · December 2010

Sara&Mike07:
CashewsMommy:

It is great that she told you to ask away about her son! I love to talk about Aurora.

What I like to tell people is that Aurora is always on my mind, so bringing her up is not "reminding" me about my loss, or making me remember about her. Because that thought is always there. So you'll never cross any boundaries.

What about sending her a special card and mentioning her son in the card? I think asking her what she is planning on doing to memorialize him this holiday is a perfect idea. That way, even if she didn't know what do to you could then give her some ideas.

(((hugs))) to her and you!

This exactly...he will be on her mind constantly, especially with the season, so asking her what her plans are is wonderful..and if she doesn't have anything in mind yet, offering some suggestions will really show her how much you care about her..and as PP said, using her son's name is key!!

Just a thought...I recently received a card from a friend who made a donation to March of Dimes in my son's name, she wrote in the card that she wanted to give Conner a Christmas present, and it touched me on an level I cannot even explain.

This is perfect! She has been very involved with fundraising for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, so I think perhaps this is another good way to show I care. Thanks!

Carolee · December 2010

That is so thoughtful of you! I agree with PPs - a card would be a wonderful gesture. I got a card on Thanksgiving from one of my friends, along with some freshly-baked goodies, and I was really touched that she remembered Eliott. An ornament with his name on it might be a nice gesture also - my grandparents stopped by on Saturday with a beautiful ornament with Eliott's name and birth date on it.

Sara&Mike07 · December 2010

Tanya+Da:
Sara&Mike07:
CashewsMommy:

It is great that she told you to ask away about her son! I love to talk about Aurora.

What I like to tell people is that Aurora is always on my mind, so bringing her up is not "reminding" me about my loss, or making me remember about her. Because that thought is always there. So you'll never cross any boundaries.

What about sending her a special card and mentioning her son in the card? I think asking her what she is planning on doing to memorialize him this holiday is a perfect idea. That way, even if she didn't know what do to you could then give her some ideas.

(((hugs))) to her and you!

This exactly...he will be on her mind constantly, especially with the season, so asking her what her plans are is wonderful..and if she doesn't have anything in mind yet, offering some suggestions will really show her how much you care about her..and as PP said, using her son's name is key!!

Just a thought...I recently received a card from a friend who made a donation to March of Dimes in my son's name, she wrote in the card that she wanted to give Conner a Christmas present, and it touched me on an level I cannot even explain.

This is perfect! She has been very involved with fundraising for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, so I think perhaps this is another good way to show I care. Thanks!

Another fabulous organization..they captured Conner for us and did an amazing job...a donation in her son's name to NILMDTS would mean the world to her I am sure!!! Props to you again for being a wonderful friend and taking the time to think about what your friend is going through right now!!

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