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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
alone and scared (LONG DH vent)
I'm a regular poster posting under a pseudonym because my family knows I post here.
I don't know what to do. I got in a huge fight with my husband last night. We get in fights from time to time and it's usually no big deal -- we're both very passionate people and we yell at each other and then a few hours later after we calm down we talk it out and everything is fine again.
This was different. There was no yelling at all. That's what makes it so scary. We were very calm and very reasonable. And now it's been 12 hours and I still don't want to be anywhere near him. I've spent all night fantasizing about running away. I slept in the guest room (when I haven't been up with our 3 month old).
It started over something petty, the way our fights always do but once I was upset, it came pouring out. He was criticizing the state of the baby's room (though he has NEVER in her life done any of her laundry or putting things away). And the only reason clothes were out (I keep her room picked up to the exclusion of every other room in the house!) was because we had to change her/sponge bathe her and rush out the door this afternoon because we were late to an event because he "decided" that instead of him getting the baby ready, it was VITALLY important that he dust the TV console.
It's been five days since I asked him to bring home a bottle of tri-vi-sol from the drugstore that he passes every day on his way home from work and he still hasn't done it. It's been ten days since i asked him to give our dog his monthly worming medicine and that hasn't happened either.usually I just give up and do these things because it's not worth putting the health of my baby or pet at risk to make a point, but REALLY?
He won't put her on tummy time no matter how many times I ask because he is still going by the pediatrician's recommendation when she was one week old that she only needs 10 minutes a day (and his response when I told him that now she's older she needs a lot more was that I'd been "keeping" this information from him!). He "decides" that "it counts" if he just holds her on his chest even though I specifically asked the pediatrician at her 2 month and he said no.
He also decides that certain things she does are good/bad/weird/advanced/worrisome all by himself -- He has not read a SINGLE parenting or baby book and so when I tell him that the books say it's normal for a 12 week old to do XYZ, he disagrees with me!!! We were driving today and she was crying and despite the fact that she often cries in the car when it's just me (or even when I sit in the back seat with her) -- because there's nothing I can do -- she HAS to be trapped in the car seat and we just have to deal with it, he was calling me a bad mother for not unbuckling my seat belt while he was weaving through heavy traffic on the freeway and climbing in the backseat of our compact car to sit with her. We were about 15 minutes from home. He wanted to pull over. I just wanted to get home asap so I could REALLY see to her, breastfeed, etc.
No matter how many times i tell him to stop putting her in the newborn diapers, that they don't fit and aren't absorbent enough for her, he does it anyway, saying that we shouldn't let them go to waste. (I'm getting rid of them on Monday, so this problem will be solved but REALLY?) This necessitates me constantly changing her diaper covers, PJs, and crib sheets and blankets becuase she's ALWAYS leaking out when he changes her.
I am not a "natural" at this whole baby thing. I get that. I do not coo over baby pictures or feel my breasts leak every time I hear a baby cry. I never really liked babies very much at all, and I didn't like my baby much for the first few weeks. But I love her now, and I have ALWAYS seen to her every need because that's what you do when you make a commitment, and I'm actually enjoying the newborn thing more than I thought I would. But I feel like he's using my admitted "not a natural" thing against me every time we have a disagreement -- as if the knowledge i have from the books and "the internet" (and my pediatrican!!!)is somehow inferior to whatever he "feels."
Like this morning I had some breast soreness and a plugged duct it was turning red and I was afraid mastitis was setting in and I wanted to nurse and nurse and he said she shouldn't drink the milk if I had an infection. And I said that the books and kellymom said it was fine and he disagreed! I mean, where does he think I'm getting this information from? Why does he think he knows better?
He wanted this baby more than me, because I knew I'd be the one who'd have to give up more -- and I have. I've taken a leave of absence from my job. He makes twice as much as me, but his job makes him miserable. I love my job, and I'm terrified I'll never make up for this choice I made to leave -- if I can ever go back.
And he's already talking about having another baby! That's the part I don't get at all. He refuses to do any research into how to raise this one, and I do about 90% of the work, and I've given up everything and I'm really looking forward to when she's older and I can put her in school and go back to work, and he wants ANOTHER one?
And then he talks about how unhappy he is at work and how he's going to start doing this other job on the side but while that's going on until he gets hired full time at the other place I should expect less help from him with the baby.
I want him to be happy at his job -- as happy as I am/was -- but i can't do MORE. I just can't. I've already given up so much, and I'm beginning to doubt that he'll EVER be happy. I'm willing to make sacrifices of my happiness if it means he'll be happier, but I feel like I keep making sacrfices and his happiness isn't increased at all, so if only one of us is going to be happy, why can't it be me?
No job he's ever had has made him happy. Other things I've done for him has not made him happy. The BABY he wanted and begged for for years apparently doesn't make him happy either. And meanwhile, I've given up the thing that made me happy and have re-trained myself for motherhood, and his response is that I'm not good enough and his casually-observed "feelings" trump my research and all the time I spend with the baby.
And to really drive it all home, I can understand his perspective, too. He's REALLY busy with his job, and he's jealous of the time I spend with her. He would love our roles to be reversed, but it wasn't possible financially. He doesn't have time to read all the books (I read a lot while nursing) and resents the fact that I'm this little walking encyclopedia of baby development and learned all the tricks and etc., and so he feels like he has nothing "special" to offer her. It annoys me that he goes against generally accepted advice on principal, though. I wish he'd just read one book -- maybe over his lunch hours -- and then do that and disagree back at me.
And stuck in the middle of all of this is my darling baby, who -- bless her! -- is ignorant of the fact that her mama is "faking it til she makes it" and secretly wishing she was back at work. I don't want to run away from my baby, really. But I wish my husband would understand that even though he wants nothing more than to be with her ALL THE TIME, I actually do love my career and wouldn't mind doing it. Grass is always greener.
I just had to vent. I've not been able to sleep after our conversation. I have just been sitting here thinking that if this is how he really feels and he can sit here and say it all to me so calmly then there is no middle ground we can reach and this is my future. I love my baby, but I love my job, too. And it really bothers me that my husband has a problem with the way I'm doing things, because I have worked so so so hard to make sure I am doing things in the best way possible.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: alone and scared (LONG DH vent)
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm not sure I've seen anyone talk about how much they loved and adored the first few weeks of motherhood, even people who wanted lots of kids and tried for years.
Does your husband attend doctors visits? It definitely sounds like he should be talking to the pedi.
And I'm sure you're going to get alot of this, but please look in to counseling. Couples counseling would be excellent, but even if you cannot get your husband to agree to that, you should seek some yourself. Your feelings could quickly lead to resentment or depression, and your baby doesn't need you dealing with either.
How old is your LO and how much sleep are you and DH getting?
Are any of the examples you gave of non-baby issues things that would have bugged either your or DH before LO?
DH and I were pretty snippy at each other for the first several weeks after having the girls home. Little things that wouldn't have bugged us at all prior to the girls were getting on our last nerves because of the stress and sleep deprivation.
I agree with PP that counselling might be a good idea if this continues. Until you can get that appointment, ask DH if he wants to go to pedi appointments with you and encourage him to ask his own questions. Or even call the pedi himself and put him/her on speakerphone so you both can ask questions.
FWIW - our pedi told us that we should be doing tummy time a minimum of 15 minutes a day and putting them on our chests while we were reclined was acceptable. Any place where they're on their tummy that gets them to raise their heads and exercise their arms and chest muscles is considered tummy time to our pedi.
And I totally understand about not being baby-crazy and wanting to go back to work. That in no way makes you a bad mother or a bad person. Some women just aren't as into babies as others. It took almost 8 weeks for me to enjoy having the girls and I'm only now having vague inklings of not wanting to go back to work. I will go back because I will go BSC if I don't, but the desire to be with the girls more is getting stronger now that they're starting to interact more.
Good luck to you. Hopefully you'll get everything straightened out soon.
ETA - You mention that you want to do things "the best way possible". Just remember that "the best way possible" is often what is best for YOU, not what the books or the pedi says. Pedis and books are not the end-all-be-all authority on your LO. You are. If you need to do something that is still good for LO but not what the pedis or books recommend, then do it. We do things every day that would cause a lot of people to clutch their pearls, but it works for us and the girls are healthy and happy. And so are DH and I.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Reading this, I was wondering if maybe DH has a case of PPD? My DH went through a phase the past few weeks (its only gotten better in thee past week or so) where he was completely NOT himself. I could have strangled him... He would criticize things I did, but do really dumb things and not care what he was doing. He was completely turned off from our new little family, mostly wanted nothing to do with DS or me. I was dumbfounded and heart broken, second guessing everything I had in my life. Then I researched PPD in men, and found out that it very well may have been the case. Every man deals differently... But, a lot of the issue is jealousy (like you mentioned) of SAHM, breastfeeding or even just not having enough "couple" time.
I hate to say it ( and I am in no way flaming) but, I had to learn to give DH some slack. He is just as scared and clueless as you are... Being a know-it-all is probably just a really harsh cover up for his insecurity as a father. I got some good advice from my little granny, she said: "you now have two infants on your hands. Make sure to baby your husband too, because the first six months he is going to act like a 2 year old." So, I have made it a nightly routine to spoil him in some ways (flame away, I guess...) be it making him a special dinner, cuddling, or even sitting and playing Xbox. And in turn, I try to remember all of the reasons I love him... Even though, when he acts like that, he is absolutely repulsive at times! Hang in there! Things will get better... Thoughts and prayers are with you an your family during this stressful time.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I totally understand what you are going through when you say you love your job and want to get back to work and about your husband not helping out. I don't think husbands understand how hard it is to be home all day. I love my kids, but it's so isolating to be home with them all the time. I never thought I would be a SAHM. DS doesn't love his job, but I would just like to interact with adults on a more regular basis! This time around, he wants me to go back and get a full time job (I hope he's ready to watch the kids on his days off), On top of that, after DS was born, DH would come home and want to know why the house was still messy, and what had I done all day? I wanted to hurt him sometimes! Now that DS is getting a little older, and I know what to expect more with DD, it's a little easier, but still! Plus, he asks me do do all sort of things while he's at work (pick up prescriptions, mail this, call this person), and if I don't get to them he says I'm making excuses. But when I ask him to raise the crib mattress to we can move DD out of the bassinet, it's been three weeks (he was home the whole time) and nothing! It's always more important to clean out the garage, I guess. The best thing is to just tell him how you feel. Hopefully it will get better. Good luck!
Of course, when my H decides he wants to be a douche one day, I tell him if I'm the one taking care of it then I'm doing it my way and if he doesn't like it, he can stuff it. But that's just me.
Love this advice - so true!
I agree with the other pp's that husbands are scared and don't really understand how it feels to be the one with the baby all of the time. We have 4 together and my H is still afraid of babies until they start controlling their movements better. I am sorry you are having trouble and I hope you can reach an understaning and find news ways to communicate with each other.
Having a baby is very stressful- on BOTH mom & dad. Since your baby is so new, you guys are both still adjusting. I def. agree w/pp re: counseling if this is something that is really affecting your marriage. Please don't make any assumptions/decisions about your relationship & marriage at this time though. You have both been through a huge life change! Good luck...
Thank you guys so much.
We had another long talk this morning and I basically told him all my feelings (what I put in the post that helped me work out what was the root of my issues -- why I was so offended last night).I really wish we had a solution. We both do. I guess the important thing is that we know this is an issue and are committed to finding a solution even though we don't have one yet?
Maybe it will mean drastically downsizing so I can work more and he can stay home more and we can each get what we want. I don't know, but I do know my family is more important to me than our lifestyle.
One of the things we talked about was going to couple's counseling so it was funny to come back on here and see that recommendation from several of you. Our marriage is so strong in ways, I think we might need to talk to a third party observer just to figure out how it works now that we've grown our family 50%.
Another thing we talked about was the possibility of him dealing with PPD, or even just depression -- he also lost his father early this year, and I don't know if he's entirely adjusted to that. But I really think a lot of it is jealousy -- on both sides. I'm jealous he can go out and he's jealous I can stay with her, and that we'd probably feel the same if our roles were reversed, too.
Oh, and he agreed to read some books! And he said he understands why I'm so sensitive about being corrected since I've put so much effort into trying to be a good mom. He said something really nice, too, that I keep saying I'm faking it, but that I'm not -- that I'm in mommy mode and I don't realize it. Like I can tell what her cry means and I can breastfeed her with one hand and make dinner with the other and stuff. I feel like such a fraud sometimes it's nice to know it doesn't show.
So I guess we just keep going one day at a time. Thanks for listening to me vent. You guys are my saving grace.
I just want to say that you're not alone in this feeling! I ask my mom all the time "when will I feel like a mom?" but I know I am one...it just feels like I'm me, but babysitting for a very long time, with very low pay I might add! Glad you talked to your DH and I hope things get better for you.