|| Nightly Confessions ||

lorlei13 · December 2010

What's on your minds ladies?

*** Just a reminder - the Nightly Confessions post is not so much about what you are doing this evening but more to confess something that you did today that you wouldn't tell anyone else.***

EclairAngst · December 2010

I could have cried all day yesterday. I've never been so sad in my life. I was/am shocked by how much harder loss #2 has been.

Today I feel guilty for feeling a little better.

I still haven't told my parents what's happened. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the words.

I want to go away for Christmas because I just want to be numb for the whole thing. I know I'll regret it later.

biddy53178 · December 2010

oh eclair im so so sorry-----i don't have the words to make you feel better but know that im thinking of you-

biddy53178 · December 2010

im torn- i got the smiley on my OPK today (yay) but don't want to try to fwp as last night was such a disaster and i hate making DH feel bad but when he cant perform i want to say all sorts of really hurtful things to him, like...i can understand why your ex cheated on you- how horrificly awful is that of me to think? i would never in a million years say it but i think it all.the.time.

camdenfaithful · December 2010

I cannot stand my MIL. She had major surgery about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and is still in a LOT of pain and having trouble getting around. The flameful part is that I don't really care and sort of giggle thinking of her being miserable.

That's bad right?

EclairAngst · December 2010

biddy53178:
oh eclair im so so sorry-----i don't have the words to make you feel better but know that im thinking of you-

Thank you. That means a lot. I called this board a lifesaver before but I had no idea...

inlovewithB · December 2010

EclairAngst:
I could have cried all day yesterday. I've never been so sad in my life. I was/am shocked by how much harder loss #2 has been.
Today I feel guilty for feeling a little better.
I still haven't told my parents what's happened. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the words.
I want to go away for Christmas because I just want to be numb for the whole thing. I know I'll regret it later.

I am so sorry. I hate this for you! (((hugs)))

jenniann87 · December 2010

EclairAngst:

I could have cried all day yesterday. I've never been so sad in my life. I was/am shocked by how much harder loss #2 has been.

Today I feel guilty for feeling a little better.

I still haven't told my parents what's happened. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the words.

I want to go away for Christmas because I just want to be numb for the whole thing. I know I'll regret it later.

I am so sorry. T&P to you. {{{HUGS}}}

jertie · December 2010

EclairAngst:

I could have cried all day yesterday. I've never been so sad in my life. I was/am shocked by how much harder loss #2 has been.

Today I feel guilty for feeling a little better.

I still haven't told my parents what's happened. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the words.

I want to go away for Christmas because I just want to be numb for the whole thing. I know I'll regret it later.

I'm so, so sorry! I hadn't heard. Like Biddy said, I know that nothing I say can make it better, but you are in my thoughts. ((HUGE HUGS))

Tapatio · December 2010

I saw my sister's baby bump yesterday when she came by to pick up some extra Christmas lights. While she was here I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with her and only took sneak peeks of her belly when she wasn't looking. I felt like crap afterwards because I was jealous. This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and stuck out my gut. I could EASILY pass for 5 months pregnant! And yet....there is nothing in there

jenniann87 · December 2010

Sometimes I just want to give up and be done. I hate my body so frickin much. I know I havent been at this as long as some of the ladies here and I feel bad for saying this but it is just so frustrating. My cycles have been so eff'ed up. The first one was normal and then as time has gone one they have got crazy and spuratic. Im spotting on CD13? WTH is that. I am charting adn OPK-ing and got a + on Tuesday and then yesterday started spotting. Ughhh. I just wish I could understand my body again and get things to work together.

camdenfaithful · December 2010

Eclair - I'm so sorry sweetie. I wish you lots of strength when you do tell your parents. I cannot imagine how hard this all must be for you especially this time of year. (((((BIG HUGS))))))

jertie · December 2010

I can't believe I'm telling you guys this...I weighed myself yesterday before using the restroom. Then I pooped and just for grins weighed myself again - I lost .8 lbs!!! I'm so embarrassed (and a little impressed too). Tongue Tied

inlovewithB · December 2010

I am not good at forgiveness. I am going to seriously start praying for help with forgiving others. I am really bad about holding a grudge and I can't let go of sh^t my MIL said to me three years ago. I am making her pay for her words in so many ways and take pleasure in pissing her off.

I saw some people forgive others on this board today and realized I don't have that ability. This is something I really ned to work on.

inlovewithB · December 2010

I am not good at forgiveness. I am going to seriously start praying for help with forgiving others. I am really bad about holding a grudge and I can't let go of sh^t my MIL said to me three years ago. I am making her pay for her words in so many ways and take pleasure in pissing her off.

I saw some people forgive others on this board today and realized I don't have that ability. This is something I really need to work on.

lorlei13 · December 2010

EclairAngst:
I could have cried all day yesterday. I've never been so sad in my life. I was/am shocked by how much harder loss #2 has been.

Today I feel guilty for feeling a little better.

I still haven't told my parents what's happened. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the words.

I want to go away for Christmas because I just want to be numb for the whole thing. I know I'll regret it later.

Tapatio · December 2010

camdenfaithful:
Eclair - I'm so sorry sweetie. I wish you lots of strength when you do tell your parents. I cannot imagine how hard this all must be for you especially this time of year. (((((BIG HUGS))))))

Well said...((hugs)) to you Eclair

Junebug060609 · December 2010

jenniann87:
Sometimes I just want to give up and be done. I hate my body so frickin much. I know I havent been at this as long as some of the ladies here and I feel bad for saying this but it is just so frustrating. My cycles have been so eff'ed up. The first one was normal and then as time has gone one they have got crazy and spuratic. Im spotting on CD13? WTH is that. I am charting adn OPK-ing and got a + on Tuesday and then yesterday started spotting. Ughhh. I just wish I could understand my body again and get things to work together.

Could your spotting be ovulation spotting?

camdenfaithful · December 2010

inlovewithB:
I am not good at forgiveness. I am going to seriously start praying for help with forgiving others. I am really bad about holding a grudge and I can't let go of sh^t my MIL said to me three years ago. I am making her pay for her words in so many ways and take pleasure in pissing her off.
I saw some people forgive others on this board today and realized I don't have that ability. This is something I really ned to work on.

HA! I feel like you and I could have a LOT in common. In general I suck at forgiving people but for some reason it's exceptionally difficult with my MIL. I'm still incredibly bitter of passing comments she's made years ago and when I think about her behavior around the time DH and I got engaged and during, wedding planning, and the wedding itself I want to throttle her.

Tanya+Da · December 2010

camdenfaithful:

I cannot stand my MIL. She had major surgery about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and is still in a LOT of pain and having trouble getting around. The flameful part is that I don't really care and sort of giggle thinking of her being miserable.

That's bad right?

Nah...it's normal(right?). I feel you and feel the same way about my MIL. I am way way too spiteful.

inlovewithB · December 2010

camdenfaithful:
inlovewithB:
I am not good at forgiveness. I am going to seriously start praying for help with forgiving others. I am really bad about holding a grudge and I can't let go of sh^t my MIL said to me three years ago. I am making her pay for her words in so many ways and take pleasure in pissing her off.
I saw some people forgive others on this board today and realized I don't have that ability. This is something I really ned to work on.
HA! I feel like you and I could have a LOT in common. In general I suck at forgiving people but for some reason it's exceptionally difficult with my MIL. I'm still incredibly bitter of passing comments she's made years ago and when I think about her behavior around the time DH and I got engaged and during, wedding planning, and the wedding itself I want to throttle her.

I wish we could get together with a bottle of wine and swap stories about our MIL's! I could talk for hours about that lady.

Tanya+Da · December 2010

Reading alot of the comments today about what's right and wrong to post on this board made me realize I am not supportive enough. I read through all the posts, but I never really comment unless I have something that could be factually helpful (do you cramp after IUI, how long after X did Y happen). I realized I need to comment on the more supportive things, so that is what I am going to start doing.

Nikki1219 · December 2010

I think I'm going to cancel my meeting tonight and stay home tonight instead. I don't feel like putting pants back on.

jenniann87 · December 2010

Junebug060609:

jenniann87:
Sometimes I just want to give up and be done. I hate my body so frickin much. I know I havent been at this as long as some of the ladies here and I feel bad for saying this but it is just so frustrating. My cycles have been so eff'ed up. The first one was normal and then as time has gone one they have got crazy and spuratic. Im spotting on CD13? WTH is that. I am charting adn OPK-ing and got a + on Tuesday and then yesterday started spotting. Ughhh. I just wish I could understand my body again and get things to work together.

Could your spotting be ovulation spotting?

Im not sure. I never used to have spotting before except for the last day of two of AF. But I guess its possible. I really hope thats all it is. AF came a week early last time and just left a week ago so I really dont think I could deal with her back that soon.

camdenfaithful · December 2010

My body is no means normal after everything but I also had a little but of spotting this month about a week before O. Or at least I think it was a week before. Still trying to figure it out. I wouldn't stress too much especially if it was short lived. My spotting was very minimal and lasted less than a day.

AmyRM · December 2010

I resigned from my job today, informally. I have until Monday to write it up. I am resigning, no question...what they don't know is that it's coming with a lawsuit. DH is drafting it. It'll be one of those settlement things (nothing major, not lots of $$ or anything, just justice), and we're beyond confident.

I feel empowered today.

AmyRM · December 2010

EclairAngst:
I could have cried all day yesterday. I've never been so sad in my life. I was/am shocked by how much harder loss #2 has been.
Today I feel guilty for feeling a little better.
I still haven't told my parents what's happened. I don't know how I'm going to come up with the words.
I want to go away for Christmas because I just want to be numb for the whole thing. I know I'll regret it later.

I'm so out of touch. I'm so, so sorry. Huge hugs sweetie

Izabella22 · December 2010

Today I told my interim boss that I hate my job and that I'm beyond frustrated with the situation at work. I also pretty much reamed my ex-bosses reputation to him b/c of all the sh!t that's been going on. She emailed me today in the middle of a crisis and I haven't emailed back... I'm trying to keep the work/personal life more separate but its hard. We're friends outside of work but yeah... she pretty much screwed me work-wise.

Junebug060609 · December 2010

jenniann87:
Junebug060609:

jenniann87:
Sometimes I just want to give up and be done. I hate my body so frickin much. I know I havent been at this as long as some of the ladies here and I feel bad for saying this but it is just so frustrating. My cycles have been so eff'ed up. The first one was normal and then as time has gone one they have got crazy and spuratic. Im spotting on CD13? WTH is that. I am charting adn OPK-ing and got a + on Tuesday and then yesterday started spotting. Ughhh. I just wish I could understand my body again and get things to work together.

Could your spotting be ovulation spotting?

Im not sure. I never used to have spotting before except for the last day of two of AF. But I guess its possible. I really hope thats all it is. AF came a week early last time and just left a week ago so I really dont think I could deal with her back that soon.

I had to ask bc I've had O spotting before and it was exactly as you've described it for timing (day or two after O). Hopefully it stays mild and wraps up by the weekend. Have you ever noticed spotting midcycle before?

If it does turn out to be AF, you may want to give your doc a call to let them know how erratic things are. Could be hormones causing the unexplained bleeding or it could be something else, as it was in my case. In either case, perhaps they could help you make it stop.

luckymrs. · December 2010

**Flame-free Zone**

I was bitter before, now I'm just downright heartbroken when IRL and newbie bumpies announce their BFPs. With the exception of about 15 TTCAL bumpies (Jen, Autumn, Cashew, Shanna, Colleen, etc., etc., etc.)--in other words people that have been here longer than me--I don't want to hear about anyone else's BFPs. That's what PGAL is for. If you're here and get your BFP after a month or two of trying, it kills me to see it here.

Some feel the same way. I know others feel differently. And perhaps if they stay longer (which I wish on no one) they'll change their minds again. Maybe not.

I've been here for 5 months and am on cycle 6. Others have been here longer--even far longer. I feel strongly that out of respect for those you may be hurting with your BFPs, you should post elsewhere.

Today was ridiculously difficult as it was, before the BFP announcements today. The famous post from last night, funeral yesterday, 5 months since M/C and now doing fertility testing, a couple days from the year anniversary of our house robbery, 10 months without a job, just finding out I didn't get the job which I really wanted and for which I've been interviewing for over 3 months, the crappy-this-year holidays, etc., etc. Then I posted this opinion earlier and got pounced on by the one place (TTCAL) that I had always felt I could safely go to try to heal.

I think I am absolutely hitting rock-bottom (and I realize that I am not at all alone in this). I hate that anyone else is going through this, too; nevermind so many of you ladies.

AutumnLeavesFall · December 2010

luckymrs.:

**Flame-free Zone**

I was bitter before, now I'm just downright heartbroken when IRL and newbie bumpies announce their BFPs. With the exception of about 15 TTCAL bumpies (Jen, Autumn, Cashew, Shanna, Colleen, etc., etc., etc.)--in other words people that have been here longer than me--I don't want to hear about anyone else's BFPs. That's what PGAL is for. If you're here and get your BFP after a month or two of trying, it kills me to see it here.

Some feel the same way. I know others feel differently. And perhaps if they stay longer (which I wish on no one) they'll change their minds again. Maybe not.

I've been here for 5 months and am on cycle 6. Others have been here longer--even far longer. I feel strongly that out of respect for those you may be hurting with your BFPs, you should post elsewhere.

Today was ridiculously difficult as it was, before the BFP announcements today. The famous post from last night, funeral yesterday, 5 months since M/C and now doing fertility testing, a couple days from the year anniversary of our house robbery, 10 months without a job, just finding out I didn't get the job which I really wanted and for which I've been interviewing for over 3 months, the crappy-this-year holidays, etc., etc. Then I posted this opinion earlier and got pounced on by the one place (TTCAL) that I had always felt I could safely go to try to heal.

I think I am absolutely hitting rock-bottom (and I realize that I am not at all alone in this). I hate that anyone else is going through this, too; nevermind so many of you ladies.

((HUGS))

Sometimes we all get so wrapped up in our own lives we don't know how much someone else is suffering.

I am sending you virtural hugs.

My confession- As OP above I am feeling devested anytime someone posts a BFP, except for the older TTCAL girls. I think what pi$$ed me off was the one we got today that spent the whole 2WW phishing about how her temps dropped (way abover the coverline) than the next day how it rose.. Than to come on and post 2 giant pictures... It was like a slap in the face. Oh and the title "To those who supported me" - WTF was that? I honestly hope she never comes back because I'll go BSC listening to it month for month. Now PGAL gets to hear about constant updates on how her ute is doings. Good luck to them.

..... That felt good.

Other than that I am scared to test in the next few days. Other than sore tata's that are not so sore and cramps, which coul be from working so much I have no symptoms. Oh and I feel like I turned into a lotion despenser down there.. TMI I know.

((HUGS to everyone))

jenniann87 · December 2010

Junebug060609:
jenniann87:
Junebug060609:

jenniann87:
Sometimes I just want to give up and be done. I hate my body so frickin much. I know I havent been at this as long as some of the ladies here and I feel bad for saying this but it is just so frustrating. My cycles have been so eff'ed up. The first one was normal and then as time has gone one they have got crazy and spuratic. Im spotting on CD13? WTH is that. I am charting adn OPK-ing and got a + on Tuesday and then yesterday started spotting. Ughhh. I just wish I could understand my body again and get things to work together.

Could your spotting be ovulation spotting?

Im not sure. I never used to have spotting before except for the last day of two of AF. But I guess its possible. I really hope thats all it is. AF came a week early last time and just left a week ago so I really dont think I could deal with her back that soon.

I had to ask bc I've had O spotting before and it was exactly as you've described it for timing (day or two after O). Hopefully it stays mild and wraps up by the weekend. Have you ever noticed spotting midcycle before?

If it does turn out to be AF, you may want to give your doc a call to let them know how erratic things are. Could be hormones causing the unexplained bleeding or it could be something else, as it was in my case. In either case, perhaps they could help you make it stop.

No Ive never noticed midcycle bleeding before. That is why it has me so confused. I am hoping thats all it is. But if it turns out to be AF I will definitely be calling my Dr.

Thank You

jr63_2020 · December 2010

There are times when I really want to flame people who post BFPs after being on here for 2 seconds, but I hold it in or try to phrase it diplomatically. It's not that I'm afraid of what people will say, though. It's because I'm scared that karma will get me and if I'm mean to others, even when it's justified, I won't get pg again. I know it's completely ridiculous, but I still think it. I find myself bargaining with fate, God, karma, whoever, a LOT since the m/c.

ETA missing words

FmrAFBrat · December 2010

I'm getting ready to go to WalMart...fun right?

Really though I have had a CRAZY week..I had to find a new drs office. The old office thought I was pregnant again & having another ectopic (so I needed a shot)....which wasn't the case. Long story. Needless to say I am just so sad & angry all at the same time. I'm taking this harder then I thought...yet I am so relieved it wasn't another ectopic.

mystikaljess · December 2010

My assistant is due in March and a higher position was announced today. I told her to interview for it. Secretly I'm hoping she gets the job because I then wont have to see her everyday as she gets closer to her little boy getting here. I love her to death, shes an amazing girl, but it hurts so much to see her baby bump grow. God I hate the month of December, my 1 year anniversary of my loss is on the 24th..let 2011 get here already!

sarabara13 · December 2010

My husband and I moved back to MIin June. We were living in MT forabout 6 years before coming back. More often than not I wish we hadn'tmoved. We had good jobs, a nice houseand tons of really great friends. Without sharing all the details,we are now unemployed (except a few sporatic freelance gigs), living withhis parents and have hardly any friends.It's great being closer to family, butalso very difficult due to our TTC issued(our parents want grandkids). I really,really miss our friends and have criedover that more than anything in the last6 months. I know in time we'll settlein here, but it's been way harder thanI anticipated.

sarabara13 · December 2010

Ugh. Sorry for spacing issues on my PP. My phone is no good for bumping

martinimomma · December 2010

I'm fairly religious, but have realized this week that the end result of the last year - and particularly since our loss in July - is that I feel like God has abandoned me.

Yes, that's incredibly self-centered. But its where I am at right now. And with my formerly clockwork cycles now getting progressively wonky...I just don't know what to do next.

Sorry to let my faith (or lack thereof lately) out of the bag.

Izabella22 · December 2010

AutumnLeavesFall:
My confession- As OP above I am feeling devested anytime someone posts a BFP, except for the older TTCAL girls. I think what pi$$ed me off was the one we got today that spent the whole 2WW phishing about how her temps dropped (way abover the coverline) than the next day how it rose.. Than to come on and post 2 giant pictures... It was like a slap in the face. Oh and the title "To those who supported me" - WTF was that? I honestly hope she never comes back because I'll go BSC listening to it month for month. Now PGAL gets to hear about constant updates on how her ute is doings. Good luck to them.

..... That felt good.

Other than that I am scared to test in the next few days. Other than sore tata's that are not so sore and cramps, which coul be from working so much I have no symptoms. Oh and I feel like I turned into a lotion despenser down there.. TMI I know.

((HUGS to everyone))

You know I can't see pics from my computer at work and I didn't even realize... I think this may be the first time I'd DDed a "congrats" lol.

I hope this month is your month Autumn!!!

Masemom · December 2010

I must confess that it still stings when one of the girls on my local board talks about her pregnancy in any way at all. She is due a week after I would have been.

I thought that I was starting to move on since my m/c in Oct. but everytime I see her post it is like a slap in the face.

I'm afraid to bring up TTCAL with H given that on the day before my d/c he told me he doesn't really want anymore kids. He knows that I do want another, but I'm afraid that somehow he will "win" in this situation and we will never have another child.

emeraudecephiro · December 2010

I bought little debbie's christmas tree cakes...and I don't plan on sharing with DH. He is leaving for a week for work and I plan on sitting on the couch and eating them all...I'm bad.

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