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TTC After a Loss
CashewsMommy
member
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
*~* CakesABake *~*
CashewsMommy
member
I wasn't going to say anything. But what you have been saying lately has really been bothering me and I just can't sit back and take it anymore.
Yesterday you said "I don't think that people who already have children should be as stressed or whiny and people in my position" and hurt a lot of people on here.
Today, in the Snark post your comment was just... I don't even know the word.
The words "sensitivity" and "compassion" needs to come to mind before you type something out. Knowing the board and who is here. There are people under the age of 20. There are people over the age of 40. There are people who have children already, and there are people who are struggling to have one. There are people with multiple losses, and there are people with only one. There are people who have been here a long time, there are people who have been here a few weeks. There are people currently miscarrying. There needs to be a little sensitivity and compassion to ALL and not just what you want to be an AW.
Your loss is not any "worse" because you don't have children. You are not entitled to whine more because you don't have children.
I know that BFPs hurt, which is why I wont post it here. People who care about me, will find out. If they don't care, they wont find out. Simple as that and I could care less who knows I'm moving on or not.
Please, from now on you need to think before you post. You have hurt a lot of really great women on here.
BFP#1 {Cashew} - 9.19.09 EDD 5.26.10
The day you first lay in my arms, you made my life complete.Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
This discussion has been closed.
Re: *~* CakesABake *~*
So let me get this straight. Everyone else can have an opinion regarding BFP's and whatnot but as soon as I post my opinion, I am being insensitive?
Absolutely not. I think it is insensitive to be snarky to a woman on this board who gets pregnant just because we are not yet. Now I don't agree with people just showing up one day and then posting a BFP the next week just so everyone can tell her how they are happy for her...that is crazy. However we are all "talking" through a board, we don't know everyone's true intentions, everyone is not trying to be malicious.
Also I understand that me having no children and TTCAL to some people should not be treated as any worse than someone who has a little one, but just like you all feel that seeing a BFP hurts, it hurts me when people have two beautiful kids in their siggy and they are posting all the time about not ovulating or AF being a b*tch...that hurts me...but I guess my feelings don't matter?
Don't be over dramatic. Everyone who positions their opinions respectfully here, gets the same in return. It's fine for you to feel/think/speak however you want. No one will deny you that. You're getting some pushback because of tone and attitude. I enjoy your posts and I think you add to this community, but just cool it a little bit.
I don't understand how someone with one or two LO's can't be allowed to be upset their body isn't working. How are they supposed to ask questions, how are they supposed to grieve and feel sadness? IRL, I was basically allowed 2 weeks to be upset. After that, everyone in my family expected me to be over it.
No, I lost two babies. I watched one slowly grow, fight for their life and die. I watched another grow right on track, have a good strong heartbeat and die. I had to bleed for 3 weeks before I lost a baby. I had to be strong when all I wanted to do was lock myself in a closet and die. I wanted to give up. Just like many other women on here.
How are you going to tell me I have no right to be mad my AF length cut in less than half. How are you going to say I can't be upset that my O date range is never the same? How can you say that I can't be sad just because I have a LO.
My heart breaks every time DS lays his head on my stomach. He passes by the u/s picture on the wall and says "baby". It kills me that when I put a ball in my shirt to hide it, he's not looking at my pregnant belly. It hurts that he's not a big brother to a baby that would have come home nearly a week ago, or 5 months ago.
Edit: your pain and my pain are the same. We both have had a loss(es) and it hurts.
Ok being completely honest here-I never have an attitude when I post on here...I understand that all of us are very fragile and I liked this board more than any board on here. What is the point of having this board as an outlet if I am getting told what to say and what not to say? When I want to get sarcastic and snarky I can, but I had no reason to on this board.
It's not that your feelings don't matter, it's just that you need to have a little compassion for others.
Telling someone that they don't deserve to whine is very different than being hurt by it and not commenting on it.
Telling people that you don't care about their feelings, you're going to post a BFP anyways is so insensitive.
And with what you said "they are posting all the time about not ovulating..." um. Unless i'm mistaken I think i'm the only one not ovulating on this board and Aurora was my 1st child.
Posting BFPs and having other children are two totally different things so you can't really compare them. We're never going to stop everyone from posting BFPs. They hurt a lot of people so that's why it gets brought up. You're also not going to stop people who have children from posting about how much it sucks that they're not pregnant. But... the people with children have been asking "what can I do to make it not hurt so much?" and wanting answers. Telling them they don't deserve to whine is wrong! They're trying to stop it from hurting. People posting BFPs know it's going to hurt, but do it anyways because their excited.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
Btw have any of you ever been on Cafe' Mom? They are completely snark-free on there and it is so nice and light-hearted. It feels like on the bump you are walking on egg-shells. There are "board Nazi's and clicks and whatnot, on there it is just relaxed and easy. I figured I would give "the bump" a chance, but I sometimes feel like I am stepping out on a limb by commenting on a post, or sharing anything. That is sad.
Also I have no idea why people are writing me these long posts to tell me about myself, but your points are well taken and I will just not comment from now on.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I WAS on Care' Mom. It was full of snark and bltches.
Argument invalid.
I am not sure what Cafe Mom you were on but I was on there for months on several of the boards and I never not once got even a hint of snark...maybe it was the board you were in.
I don't believe this to be true, it seems obvious that you do. You have an opinion and an attitude that those with previous success do not deserve the special recognition and heart ache that those that have had zero successes. You just seem to hide behind the thinly veiled passive agresiveness that you probably learned as a child. Most of us just speak up and choose not to hide our feelings.
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
I got attitude from when you said your feelings don't matter. I also got attitude when you said people who have children don't deserve to whine. You might not have meant it that way, but it came off that way. That's why I finally spoke up because it was insensitive and hurt a lot of people I care about. All I'm asking, is that we are a little compassionate to others. You have a right to be hurt, just like I have a right to be hurt. But that doesn't mean I have a right to be AWish and hurt others.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
First, that was uncalled for. 2nd I think it is funny when people trying to get all tough behind a computer. If you met me and knew me you would not be talking like that..
. That was immature and ridiculous.
Cakes how can you not see that telling a woman who's suffered a m/c that she has no right to be stressed about her body or whine about her cycle/her loss, just because she has a child/children, is INSENSITIVE?! You're a women for crying out loud you have to see that that would be hurtful! Then to tell people to be lovers not haters? That's hypocritical of you! I am not going to sensor my pain or feel guilty that I am sad AF came when I should be 20 weeks pregnant right now just because I have a child. Not once has anyone on this board ever made me feel like I didn't belong until I read that comment yesterday. Everyone else expressed their jealousy or pain at seeing pics of some of us with children and I appreciate and respect their point of view because were I in their shoes I'd feel the same way, but they never told us how we should or should not feel. It was inappropriate and if you can't see that than I feel sorry for you.
What is this gang up on Cakes day? I never said someone HAD NO RIGHT...I am pissed whoever put words in my mouth did that. I said it bothers ME ---I am allowed to be bothered by things...
((((hugs)))))
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
You were the one that said you like that sight so much better than this one. She just called you out on it. Last time I checked that wasn't being tough or immature or ridiculous. It was saying put up or shut up.
And the whole if you knew me you wouldn't be talking like that thing sounds to me like you're getting "all tough" behind a computer. Sounds like you want to play bad a** to me. You get the peranoid title today!
It just shows how many people you have hurt. It'd be an eye opener to me.
Let me quote you:
You're telling them that you do not think they have a right to whine. That's basically telling them they have no right.
Quoted... from you. You put those own words in your mouth and hurt a lot of people.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
It actually sounds like a threat to me.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
And you don't know me.
I would have punched you for saying crap. I don't put up with insensitive bull$hit. And don't believe me I can give you a few phone numbers of friends who have said insensitive things, that I have decked.
actually I think that was called for, if you don't care for the culture of this board than there are plenty of other mc/pl/ttcal boards out there, heard of ivilliage, hmm? I would wager that if we (people posting in this thread) were to meet IRL, most would voice the same opinions as we do here. I think it would be you, "ms don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say" that would have said nothing.at.all.
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
Wow. Holy caps lock.
You told girls they should not whine if they already have a child!!!! Okay? I wont put the "you have no right" in that. You told them they should not whine. That's bad enough alone.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
And threats are not okay. If we saw you in real life, we would still be saying this. And apparently you would go to jail because you would what, beat us up?? I'm shakin in my boots.
"Should not be as stressed or whiney"= downplaying someone's heart ache and sorrow which.is.not.tolerated.here.
Not what would that mom of your's have to say about that sweetie, that's not very nice
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
My whole meaning of this post was to make you aware that you hurt people. You hurt my friends. And I was just asking you to please use some common sense, compassion and sensitivity. Looks like you don't want to do that, and it's okay. Just don't expect PnR from me.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
Cakes, I think your feelings are valid, just like everyone else on the board has valid feelings. It is the lack of compassion in your approach that I have issues with.
Instead of (paraphrased) "All you people with kids shouldn't whine about not having more when some of us have none!" possibly "Sometimes it hurts me to read when those with living children go on and on about AF showing up. I realize they have the right to hurt, but I am jealous that they have what I don't." would have been taken better. Tact, compassion and empathy go a long way in allowing others to understand your point without becoming defensive and hurt.
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Don't put words in my mouth....never said anything about whipping ass.
Well Said!
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
Ok got it... I wish everyone would stop reiterating it.
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
I'm glad you got it now. People were only wording it differently because it appeared that you did not understand my meaning.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
Walking away, it's a good thing.
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Cashews I got it when you said it, I just felt that I still had a right to my opinion....people just had to keep on adding their two cents after you did. Like they waited for you to say it then they all felt like coming out of their shells and jumping in like a pack of hyenas. I think this has been taken way out of context for no damn reason.
I guess we all just wanted you to show compassion and say that you were sorry to those women. We felt it was wrong so we felt you should have apologized. You obviously do not feel it was wrong and we tried to force you to see it our way. We were wrong for trying to get you to do something you didn't feel was right. I'm sorry you got ganged up on. It was my fault for thinking you would have been compassionate to the fact you hurt others.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
Again, I missed a lot while I was gone. Just wanted to agree with THIS. I should be 22 weeks pregnant right now. My son is 2, but, having him does not negate my loss. Tell me, if a friend of yours who had 2 children, say, a 7 year old and a 5 year old suddenly, tragically lost her 5 year old to an accident or illness, would you go to the funeral and tell her to stop crying, she has no right to feel sad because she has another child? That's what it feels like. My son still kisses my belly and puts his eye up to my belly button to "see the baby." He was beyond excited, even at his young age, about being a big brother and having a baby. He still talks about it. Miscarriage didn't only steal my baby, it also stole his brother or sister. He may never get to be a big brother. That, too, is a precious gift, being a sibling. I wanted to give that gift to my son, and my body is not cooperatiing, so you'd better believe I'm frustrated when my body doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I consider myself wonderfully blessed to have my son to hold, and I pray for all the women of TTCAL to be able to have that blessing in their own lives. But to say one woman's loss is "worse" than another's because of what she does or does not have in her life is extremely insensitive. I've been doing IUI for a year. My fertility treatments are not all covered by insurance, which means every cycle that is unsuccessful means more money that is lost, as well as more personal heartbreak. But then someone thinks they can come here and tell me I "don't have a right to be upset" F- that. Every cycle is an incredible emotional AND financial investment. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to be upset - I'm human. We all are. You can give and get support, and you can feel free to be upset and unload your frustrations here. But it is just not right to tell others that they shouldn't be feeling whatever they are feeling. You don't know everyone's story; you have no right to generalize.