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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Kailyn S
member
1/2 hour time-out today
Kailyn S
member
Awesome. I was changing DS when he got bold, grabbed my glasses off my face and threw them. I picked them up and told him to "tell mommy sorry" to which he said "no" So I told him to sit there and think about it for a minute, and then asked him again to say "sorry" This went on for a 1/2 freaking hour! He was crying, asking for his blankie, milk, a tissue, to watch a movie. Anything he could think of to ask for.
He finally caved when my parents popped by to drop something off (He ADORES them) and I told him he couldn't see them until he apologized to me. He couldn't get the words out of his mouth fast enough then!
Is it wrong I feel super victorious? I mean, I'm giving myself a high-five for outlasting a 20 month old. How wrong is that?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 1/2 hour time-out today
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
This situation is one of the things that DH and I are hesitant to do time outs. Such a battle. He said sorry, but only as a means to get something else he wanted.
As a spin off, can I ask what age people usually start time outs? What age do they get it and it is not just a game?
I have always heard 1 min for every year of age for timeout.
ETA: I tried one min timeouts briefly but it was clear he had no idea what was going on. Maybe closer to 2 they may understand - IDK.
Yes and very. HTH :headdesk:
You're beautiful.
I agree with the pp's. I think your intentions were good... IF your LO was older. However, at your LO's age I think it was an ineffective way to go.
We do time outs with DS, but they are quite loose since he's still too little to fully understand what they're about.
Just for fun because this is where I pulled that quote from:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ-3rikUQ34
I PPH Heathers!
I'm going to have to pop that movie in now. I haven't seen it in ages. Love it!
~Working Mom~Breastfeeding Mom~Cloth Diapering Mom~BLW Mom~
Blog - No Longer on the DL ~ The Man Cave
Shawn and Larissa
LO #1 - Took 2 years and 2 IVFs ~ DX - severe MFI mild PCOS homozygous MTHFR (a1298c)
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It is a classic. I wish I owned it.
So what would any of your advice be? I'm seriously curious, because as I'm standing there asking him to apologize and he repeatedly says "no" I feel like giving in is just making him realize that he doesn't have to do what I ask him to do.
You may not agree with my method, but fwiw, I didn't leave him screaming in a corner for 1/2 and hour. He would be quiet and then start crying for something. I would come over and tell him "you can have your blankie, but you have to say sorry to mommy first" he would reply "no" and so I would leave for another minute. He'd cry a few minutes later, I'd go back in and repeat my request, he would repeat "no".
My advice would be to lower your expectations as to what a toddler is able to comprehend.
Also, you could research child development. He doesn't understand your reindeer games. (Sorry, another Heathers reference.)He doesn't need to apologize at this age. Tell him why he was in time out and why it was wrong. Hug and it's over.
I think the problem is that timeouts aren't recommended for children under 2 because they just don't understand. They definately don't understand what saying "sorry" is. Children that age understand actions more than words
In your situation I'd just say, "we don't do that" and remove him from the situation and re-direct.
Since a child that age has an attention span of less than 2 minutes, he had no idea what you were asking or why.
The thing is, after a few minutes, he had NO CLUE what he was supposed to apologize for. When he did apologize, it was an empty apology. He didn't learn anything from it, other than "If I tell mommy what she wants to hear, I get my way".
FWIW, I would have done a 1 minute time out, then explained as simply as possible what and why he can't do what he did. Then you hug him and let him go on his merry way. Does he learn a long term lesson every time? No, but consistency is the key with kids that age and after 5 of those kinds of timeouts, he starts to retain the lesson. Discipline needs to be developmentally appropriate and a not-even 2 year old doesn't have the capacity to understand a 30 minute time out. Period.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
He doesn't even understand apologizing at that age. You're expecting too much from him. Just tell him it's not nice to throw your glasses and keep a better eye on his grabby hands next time.
It's like when I tell ds he need to stop whining and say it politely. So he stops whining and says "Politely" He doesn't understand what it means to be polite. Sometimes we forget they are just large babies.
Does he even understand what apologizing or saying sorry means. I know my 18 month old son and my 20 month old niece would have no idea. My son will sometimes kiss me if I say ouch you hurt mommy when he gets to rough but theres no way hed say sorry and know what that means.
He tries to tke my glasses all the time. We say no we don't take mommys glasses or glasses aren't toys and move him away from me. 30 mins is a long time for a child to concentrate on something. He probalby didn't he remember what was going on. Hes testing limits and playing when he takes the glasses. He doesn;t understand consequenes yet to that extent.
Why does he have to apologize? He's 20months old, he doesn't even truly get that what he did was wrong or why it was wrong. I think you're expecting too much of him, cognitively and emotionally. I would've given a simple explanation why that's not okay, ask him to pick them up and hand them to me (help him if he won't/doesn't understand), then move on to doing something else. You may have felt victorious, but I promise you when he apologized he had no idea what he was apologizing for. You turned it into a huge power struggle that was totally unnecessary IMO. But congrats I guess?
If he's done something purposly "naughty' than yes, we always ask him to say sorry. He's never had a problem saying it before, so it's never progressed to this level. Normally he looks right as us, says sorry, we hug & it's over.
You do realize that he has no clue what sorry means right?
Again, read my "politely" post. He's parroting.
I assure you, even if he's saying it before, he honestly doesn't understand what the concept means. They can't empathize at that age and certainly cannot understand social norms enough to know that they are in the wrong and the way to make it right is to offer an apology. He just knows you tell him to say a word and if he says it, mommy's happy.
It's a conditioned response and doesn't mean anything to him at this age. Just skip it.
By that rationale, do you not request your children to say "please" and "thank you" at this age? He doesn't truly understand those meanings either, but we still ask him to say it every time he asks for something or receives something.
I get you. I think you fully understand that you have to be consistent and follow through. I think the hoopla is over the age appropriateness. I see your frustration that the second he was motivated, he complied without batting an eye, so I completely understand your issue.
I agree that "say sorry" is lost between his age and the duration between the offense and the actual apology. After having a very easy first child, and then my twins, one of whom is very headstrong, I believe that parenting to the child's abilities and individual personality is trickier than can be assumed. In your situation, with my more challenging one, it would have gone like this:
Slap
"No ma'am. Those are mommy's glasses. Hands down."
And then if she repeated, I'd have remained at the diaper changing table/station and repeat until I was able to put my glasses on without her swiping at them.
I find the timeout thing waxes and wanes= with my first, when I was on the boards, I remember being shocked that people were doing it witih their 18 month olds. Now the general response is not before they're 2... so I guess you will just have to wait and see if he does it again to see if it worked. And then adjust your approach until you learn what works for him. Unfortunately they are all about cause-effect right now and trying to figure out what "buttons" make mommy do what right now.
He's too young to get it. FFS. Put him in time our for a minute and be done with it. You're not teaching him anything.
I think its totally fine if you want to instill saying sorry as a habit. I just don't really think its reasonable to put him in time out and wait for him to say it. It seems completely futile because he doesn't understand what it means to really be sorry.
I think your intent with the timeout, and your desire to be consistent and not give in are good, but a 30 minute timeout is ineffective and excessive.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Yes, it's also parroting. I do it so that it's habit by the time he does understand what it actually means.
I'm getting the impression you still think that your 20 month old understands apologies. Am I wrong?
I don't think there's anything wrong with time out itself at this age, but it has to be an appropriate amount of time. That's the problem. A 30 minute test of wills is just pointless.
We've been doing TO for a couple months, and DS knows now that when I say he's in timeout, stay put until I get you he stays. Does he get it? No, probably not, but the point for me, for now is to take him out of whatever the situation is and build the groundwork for when he's older.
Yes, I do, but we're not having a half hour power struggle over it. That's the difference.
The appropriate response to him grabbing your glasses would have been to say "No, these are mommy's. Don't grab." - put him down and walked away. The end.
The reason he does things over and over is to GET A REACTION. He grabs your glasses, you have a reaction and he gets your fairly undivided attention for half an hour. He doesnt understand what he did was "wrong", just that it got your attention. Saying "I'm sorry," doesnt mean is is sorry, just that he knows he's supposed to repeat what you say.
At his age, it is definitely important to model appropriate behaviour and manners (saying please, thank you, etc), but your expectations are way out of whack. Playing the time out game for 30 minutes didnt teach him a single thing and as others mentioned, after about 1 minute there was ZERO correlation between what you were trying to get him to do and what he had already done.
For now, tell him if what he's doing is wrong and correct him then redirect and move on.
I agree with PP. It's not developmentally appropriate to expect this from him. He doesn't know what empathy is or what apologizing means so it seems pointless to have him say that he is sorry. It makes it an empty gesture. It would be better to teach him that his actions hurt and to teach how he can ask/touch appropriately.