Question for those who've had m/c's

Jocelyn0415 · December 2010

I know this has been asked before, but I tried google and couldn't find the thread.

My BFF miscarried last night. We're not sure how far along she was because her periods were kind of wonky and she hadn't seen the doctor yet.

I feel so awful for her because she has Endometriosis and they weren't sure if she'd even be able to conceive, but she did and I was so excited for her.

Of course, she's very upset. I know there's nothing I can say or do that will take the pain away, but what did people do for you that made you feel better?

I'm going over to her house tonight and we plan to drink...a lot. Anything else I should bring with me?

I_love_cupcakes · December 2010

a big box of kleenex.

FerreraRocher · December 2010

The fact that you are coming by is very sweet of you. Please refrain from saying anything cliche like, "Time heals all wounds." "It was meant to be this way." Perhaps a meal would be good too.

Emilia0101 · December 2010

My BF m/c last year. I wouldn't bring LO with you if you can. We had another friend that brought her kids with her the night we stopped by and it made things a million times worse. I would say maybe klenex, cookies, and an open ear to listen.

Jocelyn0415 · December 2010

FerreraRocher:
The fact that you are coming by is very sweet of you. Please refrain from saying anything cliche like, "Time heals all wounds." "It was meant to be this way." Perhaps a meal would be good too.

Yeah, I'm definitely not going to say anything like that. I know if someone said that to me after a m/c I'd probably want to stab them in the eye lol.

jessloveschase08 · December 2010

FerreraRocher:
The fact that you are coming by is very sweet of you. Please refrain from saying anything cliche like, "Time heals all wounds." "It was meant to be this way." Perhaps a meal would be good too.

All of this. A good meal and her favorite dessert would do.

Jocelyn0415 · December 2010

Emilia0101:
My BF m/c last year. I wouldn't bring LO with you if you can. We had another friend that brought her kids with her the night we stopped by and it made things a million times worse. I would say maybe klenex, cookies, and an open ear to listen.

Yeah, she called me. because our parents live 2 blocks away from each other, and she knew I'd be picking Evie up. She asked if I wanted to come by right then, but I knew that would be painful for her.

I told her I'd stop by tonight, sans baby, and we'd have a bottle of wine.

Paris05 · December 2010

FerreraRocher:
The fact that you are coming by is very sweet of you. Please refrain from saying anything cliche like, "Time heals all wounds." "It was meant to be this way." Perhaps a meal would be good too.

I m/c last month. I agree don't say "it was meant to be" or "at least you got pregnant" etc. She is grieving the loss of her baby. Just be there and let her be sad and allow her to simply lean on you for comfort. That is all you can do.

Wine and food are good ideas!

Dulaney · December 2010

I think what you are already planning on doing is perfect. I spent a lot of time on the phone with my bff after all of mine. She had no idea what to say and that was ok, because neither did I.

ChelleM · December 2010

Jocelyn0415:

I feel so awful for her because she has Endometriosis and they weren't sure if she'd even be able to conceive, but she did and I was so excited for her.

This was me exactly - it was hard.

I wouldn't try to come up with trite sayings - "at least you weren't that far along" "at least you know you can conceive" "you can always try again". Those things didn't help me and I felt they were really condescending.

I think the best thing you can do is listen, tell her you're so sorry, you know what this baby meant to her and so on. And then don't forget about her. Check in on her a few times a week for a while. I think the most important thing to do is listen.

suscq · December 2010

A second the meal. I was in a lot of pain the night I miscarried and DH and I both didn't get any sleep.

The one thing I try to explain to people is that no matter how long she knew she was pregnant, for that amount of time she was a mother. She envisioned future holidays with that child, college graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. When she lost that child, she lost that entire future. Now she is having to rebuild a life and future where that child doesn't exist.

I had a hard time too, in my grief, understanding why other people were allowed to have kids when I wasn't. I questioned what I had done in my life that made me so unworthy to have a child. When you are not going through it, I know these seem like crazy thoughts, but at that time, they were very real thoughts to me. I wondered why drug addicts had child after child, and I wasn't allowed to have even one.

The big thing (to me) is to not act like you know what she is going through if you haven't been through it and to let her know her feelings are valid, however off the wall they may sound.

jenn_darrin1515 · December 2010

what every one else said...a bottle of wine, some delish snacks, a shoulder to cry on and no cliches...maybe flowers to acknowledge her loss...I liked getting flowers...it made me feel like people were acknowledging that regardless of how far along I was it was still appropriate to grieve...I don;'t know...it sucks and you are a great friend to head over and support her sans baby...

mrsmyers8 · December 2010

jessloveschase08:

FerreraRocher:
The fact that you are coming by is very sweet of you. Please refrain from saying anything cliche like, "Time heals all wounds." "It was meant to be this way." Perhaps a meal would be good too.

All of this. A good meal and her favorite dessert would do.

Ditto to dessert.... That would be amazing.

hisaak · December 2010

Sounds like you are already on the right track - and there are some great ideas offered above.

I just wanted to reinforce the don't stop at tonight bit. Her hurt won't magically disappear, but most people will stop talking about it and expect her to move on. The baby was real, and she was a mother ... and she will need people in her life who realize that will continue to impact her.

I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

Jocelyn0415 · December 2010

Thanks everyone! Those are great ideas!

CTJourney · December 2010

Ditto what everyone said about bringing a meal. I had no desire to cook dinner the first week or 2 after my miscarriage. I would've loved if someone brought me a meal.

Also, in the next several months, if she has any friends or family that announce a pregnancy, give her a call and let her know you're thinking of her. It seemed like as soon as I had my miscarriage, EVERYONE I know was announcing their pregnancy. I am so very happy for them, but so very sad for me.

Finally, if your budget allows for it, maybe a small token to symbolize her lost baby, with a note saying her little one will never be forgotten? I love this because it is from the teardrop collection:

https://tinyurl.com/32ps2js

But obviously, that could be out of reach. It's just a suggestion but totally not necessary. Just you being there for her now and in the future will be all she needs!

My thoughts and prayers are with your friend.

heatherlane · December 2010

I_love_cupcakes:
a big box of kleenex.

This, an open ear, hugs. Just let her be whatever she needs to be right now...she's grieving.

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