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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
jennybeams
member
NEED to vent, don't mind me
jennybeams
member
My MIL and I just got into an argument and she literally started screaming at me. She's never done that before. She's mad that we're not coming down ON Christmas. We offered to come down the day before or after, but she refused both of those offers! I told her DH and I decided months ago we're not going to be out of the house for 12 hours (Church, my parents and then his) on Christmas anymore It's not fair to us. She said "lots of families do it." I said "well, not us." So she said "NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!!" I said "excuse me?" and hung up. I cannot believe she stooped to that level about Christmas of all things.
I'm at work and my blood pressure is through the roof. We all are having breakfast w/Santa this Sunday and I don't know if I will cool off by then. I'm so mad, I don't even know how to channel this anger right now.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NEED to vent, don't mind me
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
This. Are you going to your parents house ON Christmas Day? Does she know? If so, maybe that bothers her a little and is showing favortism.
The kicker is that we planned to switch every year and go to see my parents on Christams Eve and his ON Christmas next year. I'm sure no one will blink an eye when the tables are turned. I, nor my mom would ever throw a hissy fit because we didn't get to see each other ON the actual day. It's about growing up and accommodating the "new" families. Which means breaking some old traditions. Geez, I wish his mom would cut the cord already.
"It's one day a year, can't you just squeeze it in?"- that sounds INSANE to me. YES, it's ONE day a year, so to me, GET OVER IT. It's one day. It can be any day. It can be the day before, the day after, and not everyone gets their way.
We have children to nurture them into adults who are independent from us. When they have their own family, it's their time to decide what traditions and plans THEY are going to make as a their own little family unit. It's not selfish or immature to decide they're not running all over the earth just because an adult is immature enough to YELL at their DIL about it.
A LOT of times I think people on here are a-holes to their MIL just because it's not THEIR mom and they're totally irrational. But, if a MIL has an issue with this kind of thing, it's up to them to take it to THEIR child. If their child doesn't want to abide by their wishes, well boo-hoo. It shouldn't be the responsibility of the DIL to be the bad guy or whatever. And if the MIL puts the DIL in that position, well, then she gets what she gets.
This holiday drama BS gets me every. time. It's so stupid.
twitter: @aliciamariel
I seriously don't understand this mentality. One day your LOs will grow up and get married. They may marry someone who lives way the eff on the other side of the world, and it may be IMPOSSIBLE for you to have Christmas with them. Or maybe you will have to alternate years, because of course whoever your Lo is marrying is going to have a family too. Maybe they'll even have step parents, so you only get cycled in every THREE years. I strongly suggest that you get used to the idea, and enjoy your 18 lovely Christmases that you get with your LO. You can't honestly expect them to do the holidays your way for the rest of their lives.
I foresee a lot future monster in laws on this board
Agreed. Christmas Eve should be fine! I feel so lucky to have awesome IL's.
Yeah, but just just imagine when it's your kid as an adult. IDK, I tend to feel sorry for a lot of MILs now that I have a son. Moms are only around for so long.
Not that I'm saying how she handled it was right. Totally rude and she owes you a big apology. I guess I can understand where it's coming from. That's why a lot of people split the actual day with the parents.
We are lucky because the in-laws have always done dinner and presents on Christmas Eve and my parents always do everything on Christmas Day. So Christmas Eve we will go to his family's house (they live just a few miles from us) then go home, wake up Christmas morning and have breakfast/open our presents/Santa/etc and then get ready and head to my parents house which is 2 hours away and we will stay the night there.
If you are trying to fit both families in on one day AND your own traditions I can understand that it would be super hectic. Maybe suggest to either your parents or have him to suggest to his to start a new tradition and celebrate on Christmas Eve. I would let DH handle your MIL because I do think that was totally out of line.
Why be miserable on Christmas - dragging your family everywhere to accomodate everyone but yourself? That's just silly, and not at all what Christmas is about.
We see DH's family on Thanksgiving and my family on Christmas - every year. We set that expectation early in our marriage, and our families understand and are completely happy with it. We visit DH's family for Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my family doesn't see us at all around Thanksgiving. We both have divorced families - so that's 4 different sets of parents to visit/spend time with around the holidays. It's a lot for us to handle, so we do what works for us.
Thank you!!! We are seeing both families the Saturday before Christmas so that we can spend DH's week long vacation together, without the hassle of rushing between our crazy mother's, and even though they're both off their rocker, they would never be that disrespectful. Maybe it's because they both know I won't tolerate it, but either way, to yell at OP is just insane. I'm so glad we're planning a week with just the 3 of us and no extended family!
I agree. It is pretty common for the H's parents to get the shaft. It gets old hearing about people complain about their MIL on here when I am sure most people would be fine with their own Mom doing the same thing. I have a brother and his wife's parents ALWAYS get what they want over us. It is VERY annoying and hard on my parents. I make a conscious effort to include my IL, no matter how much they drive me crazy or how out of our way we have to go.
OP, I am sorry your MIL spoke to you in that way. I don't have your OP open on my computer anymore, but will you be seeing your parents that day? Have you told your IL/parents about your plan to do every other year? I found that allowing my parents and IL to see our plans, it made them more understanding.
Go Phils!!
Huh? This makes no sense whatsoever. Obviously the MIL has never gotten used to making adjustments.
Umnn...we are ONE of those families who live all the way "eff" on the other side of the world. Our families are in India and we visit them ONCE in 1-2 years for 3 weeks. I cannot imagine many women on this board EVEN imagining something like that. We make a lot of adjustments to share our 3 weeks of time fairly between both the families and also squeeze in some sight seeing time for us. I would imagine a lot of women would end up miserable even going through all the travel and then sharing time between families. Living far away from family really enlightened us about the sweetness of being with family..the warmth and love it brings.
I dont know the entire situation of the OP. but all I am saying is, we all need to start adjusting to the new situations, teach our kids to be more tolerant and help them understand where someone is coming from. Life/holidays is NOT about ego/standing my ground or take the highway kind of attitude. It is about accomodating elders requests at the same time being comfortable with it. It is not something everyone gets.
::standing ovation::
You should tell this to anyone your DS is in a serious relationship with so they know what they might have to deal with. You wouldn't be able to take it? Seriously?
We ran around to different peoples houses every year, for every holiday before we had our daughter (we live out of state from our families who live close to each other so each expected to see us on thanksgivig, christmas eve and christmas and the rest of the time we were there for equal amounts of time) and there is no way that is happening anymore. We do the holidays here now and we always invite everyone to our home but no one ever comes. We have our own family of three and our own traditions and I am not going to make the day about sitting in the car going from house to house for my daughter. Just not gonna happen.
BFP #2: 11/16/11: M/C at 7 weeks
BFP #3: 03/24/12: C/P 03/28/12
BFP #4: 04/26/12: please be our baby
I'm sorry.
Don't let your MIL ruin your breakfast with Santa and your family.
I can't believe she would say something like that. If my MIL said "now listen to me!" I would have hung up too!
She is the one missing out. It sounds like she needs to realize that you guys have your own family now and are starting your own family traditions. She needs to accept the fact that Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas will have to be acceptable for your "Christmas visit" with her.
How rude of her. I can't believe that! I'm sorry again.
I have gone an entire year without seeing my parents before, including on Christmas. I was with DH family. It was fine. My parents were fine with it, and though they missed me, they were happy I was with family. DH and I haven't seen his parents for Christmas in THREE YEARS. We just can't afford to travel at that time of the year. It is too expensive. We deal.
There is no "my way or the highway" attitude. Her MIL is the one having this attitude, not the OP. You don't scream at people. Period. Her MIL is wrong. I don't see why just because the OP is younger, that means she needs to bend over backwards to do things her MIL's way. Her MIL also needs to learn to accomodate others.
This entire thing is ridiculous. Honestly. Biitches be crazy if they think they are in control of what their ADULT children do with their holidays. I hope to be a pleasant enough mom and MIL that DS and his wife even WANT to see me.
And I'll take Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, NEW YEARS DAY, whatever! And I'll be happy about it!
As the mother of a son, I know because it's my personality, that I will not give two sh*ts if I see him ON a holiday or on a different day. My mother is dead and I don't feel bad that I didn't spend holidays with her. She lived 15 min away but she never had herself together. My MIL would ask first so that's where we went. I had a great relationship with my mother, but neither of us think that holidays are the be-all, end-all of existance. If we don't have turkey together on the third thurs of november, we can have it on another day. I think a lot of people live in a bubble thinking holidays, marriages, homes, etc are "supposed" to be some kind of way when really, it's what you make it. Holidays are mostly made-up stuff by Hallmark. No one says it's a rule to have to celebrate on the day Hallmark decided it would be on the friggin calendar. Get a small grip, please. India, next door, up your butt, it's about what works for you. Too much importance placed on silliness.
Yes, there is excessive complaining about MILs on here. Yes, there are self-centered fools who think the world revolves around them. But, the point is, kids get married and you better have a life outside them when they reach adulthood or you may be very disappointed.
I'm sad to say that I'm developing a small crush on you.
I think Calinsbride said everything I would say here -- kudos for you, as a mother of a son, for already being so reasonable. I think your future daughter in law is already thrilled at the prospect.
To the OP - sorry. Really you were treated poorly. Hopefully your MIL will get over herself. We don't live near either set of parents and pre-DD we switched Thanksgiving and Christmas and still do that now. But the time is coming when DD will wake up in her own house on Christmas morning and when that time comes there will be an invitation to join us but we will stop traveling at some point. DD deserves to have her Christmas too.
Seriously? the MIL needs to get over it. Her son has a family now and she needs to understand this and get over it. its not like you are not going to be seeing them at some point.
Good on you for standing your ground! I can relate. After the '08 holiday, before I was even pregnant, I told H I didn't want to go anywhere last year. What did we end up doing with our 1 mo last year? Traveling 4 hrs on 2 different days, it sucked.
It was uncalled for to be yelled at, good for DH to handle the situation. But do you really need an apology? For the sake of LO can't you shake it off for the Santa breakfast? Sounds like everyone just needs to step back & take a breath. Can you invite them to your house? That way she's on your turf.
I think those that are saying she should squeeze them in are delusional. Just because you drag your family all over for one day doesn't mean your kids will do it for you when the time comes. Its ridiculous to expect people to travel all over for one day. Wouldn't you rather do it on a seperate day so you have more time with each side? THAT makes sense to me.
My parents are divorced so I have 2 sides to visit for every holiday. His family splits so he has 2 sides to visit. You think I should drag us around to 4 places on Christmas? Fvck that. Starting next year we are rotating holidays. I'm sick of seeing each side for 2-3 hours and traveling all over. Its frustrating for us and will be for DD. Its also not fair. I want to spend more time with everyone so they'll get over it. It shouldn't matter what day it is. What matters is being with family. Yes they'll be upset if we aren't there ON Christmas but its time to start doing things for us and less for them.
These are not the same situations at all. The MIL is insisting that the OP's family spend Christmas day with her and no one else. Not Christmas Eve Day, not Boxing Day, Saturday December 25 or nothing.
It is completely different than having only one 2-3 week visit every 2-3 years where of course you must see everyone you can for it will be years again before you are together. The MIL in this situation is dictating to another mother how and when and with whom she spends her holidays.
I'm guessing cultural difference here, but it is just a guess.
There is no reason it's ever acceptable to talk that way to your adult child or their spouse. Yelling isn't okay.
But, have you been open and honest about how the holidays would go all along or is today, two weeks before Christmas, the first she's hearing about this plan? DH and I had some issues with holidays the year we got married. His sister had a really hard time and felt like we were constantly favoring my family over his. We weren't then and still don't, but DH hadn't really communicated how we were planning on handling holidays to his family and being in the dark led to some resentment and hard feelings. His sister is married with a child, but her ILs don't celebrate holidays and live on the other side of the country, so she had never had to split holidays herself and was having a really hard time accepting that her brother now had to. Now we are very clear from early in the holiday planning process about when we'll be with which side (based on who had us for what last year) and it has gotten much much better. His family realizes that the only thing my family "gets" that they don't is that we sleep at my mother's house for a variety of reasons (space and allergy/asthma issues).
What we've found is that as long as we're open and communicative about our plans starting well in advance of the holiday there are no hurt feelings. If we aren't careful about that we end up with issues from his side (his sister, though, not his mother). My family, thankfully, has always told us to do what we need to do and they're happy to see us whenever they can.
We have typically done Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with DH's. (We now see my family a little on Christmas day also, but that's only b/c DH's family can't come over as early as they have in the past years.)
I guess I don't see why it's such a big deal to her especially since you plan on rotating. We actually all enjoy spending Christmas Eve together more than Christmas Day.