Did/Will you tell?

vitan · December 2010

I was watching Giuliana and Bill last night and in the episode her boss or whomever tells her she should address her miscarriage because everyone will know. I think they even said it wouldn't look good if ET and Access were to spill the beans and they (E!) didn't (who cares). Anyways, she said it was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do. My heart broke all over again. For her, for me, for you.....

We only had told a handful of people about the pregnancy and, of course, we had to untell them. I now wonder if I need to tell people who had no idea. I just wonder how many people would open up and share their stories if any. So, did you tell anyone who had no idea or will you tell?

jkalmommy2b · December 2010

We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy yet. We were waiting for Christmas. I found out I was going to miscarry last Wed and last Friday I sent a text to my and DH's families that said that we had had a miscarriage and we were still processing and we would call everyone when we could. I've now told a few close friends, but really only people that I can talk to about it if I wanted to. I will also email my boss in a few more days and let him know why I was so teary at work last week. He was very understanding, but I'd like for him to know that I'm ok. I'm a pretty open person in general when it comes to emotions and feelings, so I figure I needed to be able to share with those closest to me. I don't think I will ever consider it a secret, per se, and if it ever comes up in future conversations, I think I will feel comfortable discussing it with most people.

jkalmommy2b · December 2010

We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy yet. We were waiting for Christmas. I found out I was going to miscarry last Wed and last Friday I sent a text to my and DH's families that said that we had had a miscarriage and we were still processing and we would call everyone when we could. I've now told a few close friends, but really only people that I can talk to about it if I wanted to. I will also email my boss in a few more days and let him know why I was so teary at work last week. He was very understanding, but I'd like for him to know that I'm ok. I'm a pretty open person in general when it comes to emotions and feelings, so I figure I needed to be able to share with those closest to me. I don't think I will ever consider it a secret, per se, and if it ever comes up in future conversations, I think I will feel comfortable discussing it with most people.

CheesyPeas · December 2010

Beyond untelling the people we had already told we were pregnant, the only additional people we told about the miscarriage were our parents. We were planning to share our pregnancy news with our parents on Thanksgiving but learned that our baby had passed away at our appointment the week before Thanksgiving. I just felt the need to tell my mom about the miscarriage, even though she didn't know I was pregnant, and after that, DH decided to tell his parents as well.

I have no desire to relive all of it again and tell the rest of the world. That would be really painful for me. Plus, I don't want to deal with the sympathetic looks and "consolation" from others. I just want to try to exist and feel as normal as possible during this time.

TigerFan · December 2010

I have told a few people after the fact. I wish that I had told a few more people when we got our BFP because there are some close people that we told after the fact and it was just weird without them knowing I was actually pregnant. Only our very good friends, my manager and DH's bosses knew before had. I wish I had told my mom too, because I had to call her and tell her that I was pregnant, but having problems and she needed to come over.

If you think there are people that would offer support to you and help you get through this difficult time, I would certainly tell them.

ms.fisher · December 2010

I had been wondering what others did as well...so thanks for asking!

My DH and I had told close friends and family we were expecting. Then after we lost the baby, we had to untell them. Along the way, I also had to tell my boss because I had to miss a day of work. It's not that we are keeping it a secret at this point, but we just don't bring it up. If someone were to mention something about babies, I wouldn't avoid talking about our loss, should it come up. I love watching Bill & Guilianna because she is making it more public about the fertility and loss issues that people deal with on a daily basis.

mdhealy676 · December 2010

With my first loss, I didn't feel as compelled to tell people about it but after the second loss it was a different story. I find myself looking for opportunities where it makes sense to tell people who didn't know I was pregnant. I emailed my boss and my managers when I was going through the miscarriage and told them but none of my employees knew. I eat lunch with a bunch of them and we got onto the subject of kids the other day and it felt right to tell them. I work with a lot of women who have recently gotten married and may be trying to start families. I want them to know that if they end up in the same situation, they have someone around who understands what they're going through.

LizC216 · December 2010

We ended up having to tell quite a few people. My sisters knew, but I wanted to wait until Thanksgiving to tell my parents and DH's parents. That didn't happen, we ended up telling them after our first ultra-sound. Slowly other people started finding out. I had to tell my boss, but told very few others at work. I end up telling a few co-workers because I didn't know how to answer people anymore when they asked why I was out for 3 days. It's weird who I've found myself telling and not telling. I feel that if I know they can relate I tell them, but overall I try to avoid it. Mostly because of what a PP said, "I don't want to deal with the sympathetic looks and "consolation" from others." I feel like it's this obligated gesture and then they view me as the frail, weak, broken person. I hate it.

ttf05 · December 2010

We told two of our closest friends, who were very excited, so we only had to untell two times as well. We were also waiting until Thanksgiving to tell the rest of the fam, but we had our natural MC at the end of October. Our families have some challenges right now, and so we agreed that the good news would come out once the first trimester had passed and we were in the safe zone because the bad news, should it happen (and unfortunately it did) would have hurt everyone much worse. The advantage, was that we didn't need to tell the world we had lost our baby. And out of the two couple we did tell, I found out one of them has experienced 3 MC, and that was actually a relief because I could talk to her and ask her questions, and I knew she would understand, we were able to relate better too, and now we're closer for it! I did tell my boss the day after the MC because it was physically exhausting, and my boss has experienced a few as well, so she was very comforting and told me to take the time I needed to recoup. But no one else at work knows. Do what you feel comfortable with, I was surprised to find out two pple close to me had experienced the same thing, so I appreciated having pple to talk to if needed.

irisey80 · December 2010

My loss was a little later, therefore we had to tell a lot of people. We had waited until 12ish weeks to tell people I was pregnant and lost the baby about 3 weeks later. I basically told a few people about the m/c and told them to tell everyone else so I didn't have to. So I told a couple co-workers and word spread so when I went back I didn't have to relive it every time I ran into someone.

I think whether you tell people about the miscarriage is a personal decision. It kinda depends on how you are handling it. If people are noticing something wrong, it might be easier to just tell them instead of them speculating. If you are doing well, I wouldn't tell anyone. But, that's just me. So sorry you are going through this.

crash916 · December 2010

We had told my parents and DH's parents as well as my sister. So I sent them a text message letting them know we had a m/c. My boss knew what was going on, mainly because I was missing so much work and I didn't want her to think I was interviewing for another job or something.

After the m/c, I told my best friend because she asked how the baby-making was going for us (we had them know we were trying). She was amazing about the whole thing and I am really glad that I told her.

I have been so grateful for the support, so my advice would be to share if you think it will help with your healing process.

kristi0412 · December 2010

I think I will feel more comfortable talking about it if/when I get pregnant again. Right now, I don't want to. My DH, my mom and my best friend are the only ones that know about the m/c. In the next two weeks I have a handful of girlfriends that I will tell the news to, but right now I don't want people to know. I guess that's why I come here. It's easier to vent and post here than it is to actually sit and talk to someone about it all. So for the time being, it won't be open talk, but one day, I think it might...

alexa08 · December 2010

We had our loss at 18 weeks to we had to un-tell a lot of people - friends and co-workers.

But to answer your question - yes, I've told a handful of girlfriends that we lost out LO who I had not told we were KO up. Word got out I was taking 2 weeks of sick time to recover. I've found I know a lot of women who have their own stories of loss, and it's helped it feel less isolating. If they're your friends, I'd say to be honest - you might get some much needed extra support.

Sad thing is, I've never told my BFF and since we don't talk that often I'm not sure when I'll tell her about the loss. Feels strange to leave her in the dark.

Junebug060609 · December 2010

We literally had about 5 days between the BFP and the m/c. The only person we told was my BFF. I told my mom after the m/c, just felt compelled to for some reason. She then told my dad and he told my bro/SIL. For some reason Dad felt like my bro/SIL had to know...as if my (hopeful) fluke issue had a direct connection to my SIL's ute. No big deal in the big picture, they were really compassionate about it when they heard and I don't mind discussing it.

I feel pretty strongly that m/c is something that should be discussed more opening. I was shocked when I found out how common it is. Nobody talks about it though, even though for many its an unfortunate part of growing a family. I'd gladly volunteer my experience if I hear of someone else experiencing one.

haziedaze · December 2010

mdhealy676:
I work with a lot of women who have recently gotten married and may be trying to start families. I want them to know that if they end up in the same situation, they have someone around who understands what they're going through.

This is the main reason I've started telling people. Sometimes it feels like the big elephant in the room, so it's nice to just say it. I don't always get the responses I'd like, but for the most part, it' helped me to tell. I've also learned just how many women I love and respect have also been through this... it helps.

sunrise23 · December 2010

I have found that I tell more people about the miscarriage than the amount we told about the pregnancy. I get asked almost everyday "when are you and DH going to have kids?" So because I am so tired of that question I feel the need to tell about the loss.

I also feel that if by me telling others about our loss, if they ever have to go through it then they can feel safe to talk to me about it. So i hope that being able to help someone else through a horrible time like this then there was a purpose with this loss.

JLGY · December 2010

kristi0412:
I think I will feel more comfortable talking about it if/when I get pregnant again. Right now, I don't want to. My DH, my mom and my best friend are the only ones that know about the m/c. In the next two weeks I have a handful of girlfriends that I will tell the news to, but right now I don't want people to know. I guess that's why I come here. It's easier to vent and post here than it is to actually sit and talk to someone about it all. So for the time being, it won't be open talk, but one day, I think it might...

This, almost exactly. I have only told my parents and DH's parents because they were the only ones who knew I was pregnant. I want to tell my brother & SIL, and my really close cousin, but I think I'll feel more ready once I'm pregnant again and at least past 1st trimester. Maybe I'll tell them earlier if the time seems right. One day I'll tell my BFF's (they live far away). Other than that I don't think I'll tell anyone.

mausmaus · December 2010

I had just announced on facebook at 16 weeks because I thought I was in the "safe zone". I put it up on a Wednesday, and I had to take it down 2 days later when we found out we were going to lose him. It did help in that most people didnt ask, and I only told the important ones and asked them to relay so I wouldn't have to keep telling the story over and over as it was a long one. It also helped people understand that I really needed time and patience when it came to me being even somewhat normal again. And I'm still not normal. And I did have friends and my SIL share with me about their loss stories which were also comforting. But slowly but surely I'm getting a little better. I hope it goes well for you.

mausmaus · December 2010

I had just announced on facebook at 16 weeks because I thought I was in the "safe zone". I put it up on a Wednesday, and I had to take it down 2 days later when we found out we were going to lose him. It did help in that most people didnt ask, and I only told the important ones and asked them to relay so I wouldn't have to keep telling the story over and over as it was a long one. It also helped people understand that I really needed time and patience when it came to me being even somewhat normal again. And I'm still not normal. And I did have friends and my SIL share with me about their loss stories which were also comforting. But slowly but surely I'm getting a little better. I hope it goes well for you. T&P

IslandEnchantress · December 2010

We told everyone, and I mean everyone strangers included, about the baby. So we had to tell EVERYONE about the miscarriage. I've been very open about talking about it. I've even blogged about it. I find that talking about it helps me deal and feel some sort of relief. I also think I needed to feel like my baby deserved to be remembered and talked about, not hidden like he was a secret. This is just my thinking though, since I know this is such a personal subject that so many people have different feelings about. It wasn't until I started talking about it that I realized that a few people I know have gone through this, but they never spoke about it for their reasons.

MrsR25 · December 2010

A lot of people know about our first. Not that many people know about our 2nd, but I've started telling more people.

But we never told anyone we were pregnant either time other than my mom and a few of my friends (the same ones both times). So it wasn't like we had to let everyone.

Soon2bBride06 · December 2010

We had not told anyone about the preg except for my boss and 2 close friends. We were planning on waiting till at least after our first ultrasound which was at 8 weeks. Then we found out at the ultrasound there was no baby. A week later I had to have a D&C and since I work in surgery everyone I work with now knew. But from everyone finding out a lot of coworkers shared their stories with me how they had went through the same thing in the past with their first pregnancy. It was also hard telling my parents since they did not know.

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