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May 2011 Moms
CanuckFan03
member
What should I do?
CanuckFan03
member
I have a semi-good friend on facebook. We dont live in the same city, but she's known about my pregnancy from the very beginning. (She's been trying for some time, and we talked a lot when DH and I started trying - since she's been in the trenches). She is now going to a specialist and they've discovered some hurdles, but I dont know the details since she's stopped talking about it since I got pregnant. We still comment on status updates, but don't send messages anymore (which I understand, because its hard for her - she's made that clear on her page).
I haven't said anything on my page about the pregnancy because it was early, and there were some times when we couldnt find the heartbeat and spotting etc.
This morning she sends me a quick message, essentially saying thanks for not saying anything on fb. It's very hard for her to see the pictures and the updates and thoughts on ultrasounds and all things baby.
I however, just got to the point where I'm comfortable sharing on facebook. I will be posting some news and pictures, as I have some close friends and family that don't live in my area and want to keep in the loop. I told her this in my message back, saying that I would try to keep it to a minimum, and if she wanted to block me for a while, I totally understood.
I now feel horrible... I can't imagine keeping my pregnancy a secret on facebook forever, but now almost feel that I should. I really dont want to hurt her feelings, and she deserves a baby more than anyone I know.
I just feel a mess. Thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What should I do?
I have never been in her situation, but I think you did the right thing. I think it's odd that she said, "thanks for not mentioning it on FB". It's really sad that she is having trouble TTC, but you should still be able to share your joy with your friends and feel good about it. As long as you aren't posting numerous updates all the time, and whining about being pregnant then I don't think you should feel bad at all.
I agree with pp why should you not be able to celebrate your joy on a social networking site? I like that you invited her to block you. Another option is, when you post about your pregnancy, next to the 'post' button is a padlock, click it, click customize, hide from, specific people:type her name. She will not see the post. It may be a PIA, but whether it is worth it is up to you. I understand being sensitive to her feelings, but it has to end somewhere.
I hate to say it but, you aren't her first friend to get pregnant since she's been trying and you won't be the last. I understand that it's been a hard road for her, but she should be happy for you, not jealous. You aren't trying to rub it in her face, you just want to share your happiness with other people. Her feelings are a self induced thing, nothing you are doing causes them. I mean of course when you are talking to her, you can be sensitive, but in a public setting you shouldn't have to hide your happiness for fear that someone else might be upset.
I think you did the right thing with what you told her. There's a reason FB has a block button.
Wedding/Honeymoon Pictures
as someone who has been in those trenches, i think she is being awfully selfish. i have never ever asked any of my friends to not share the news of their pregnancies or to sort of "buffer" them on my account. it is such an exciting time for them, i was not going to dampen their spirits.
yeah, it's hard sometimes to hear about pregnancy news and see all of the things happening for someone else, but it's a horribly selfish thing to ask your friends to censor their joy.
Cant you just exclude her from those updates? I believe the filters allow you to choose who can see what.
It's a crappy, no win situation for you. Either way, you're going to feel bad (when you shouldnt!).
DS 6.12.11
Hypermenorrhea, Anovulatory & Hypothyroid
TTC#2
My Lack of Ovulation Chart
My MARRIED Bio
This isn't a best friend though, I think. It says "semi-good friend" in the OP. And that does make a difference. Especially for something that will effect so many other, closer friends and family members.
As another poster said, you can block her from your updates as well, rather than hoping she takes that initiative. That will increase your peace of mind. You can do it on a per-post basis or just overall.
I use a lot of those filters, especially if I'm talking about something only relevant to people in my own town or in my industry. Would rather not clog everyone else's feed.
Once you look through your list, you may see other names you don't see a point to sharing baby news with as well and can thus just set up a group for those posts. We'll end up doing that with baby pictures; some friends just do not care about other people's children and there's nothing wrong with that.
It is very considerate of you to be sensitive to her issues.
That's tough! I think it's great that you're thinking about her and how she'd feel about seeing pregnancy-related things on your page. Besides, you never know how many other people on your list are having TTTC or have lost a pregnancy they didn't announce.
That being said, this is a joyful time for you. You shouldn't prevent yourself from celebrating your pregnancy and baby for the sake of other people. If your friend were to get pregnant, would she refrain from posting anything pregnancy-related on fb, simply because it might be hard for others on her list to see? Probably not.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to do what you've done (by sending her a message and saying you'll be posting things soon and won't be offended if she blocks you for awhile). If there's anyone else on your list that you know it might affect, maybe send them a message too. Then, post away! Celebrate this time in your life! What are you going to do? Never mention to the fb world that you have a child, just because some people are childless? I think not. As long as you're respectful, there's no reason to stay quiet!
It's hard to strike a balance here.
I've been in her shoes. I've seen FB pregnancy announcements that have sent me further than rock bottom on bad days. After awhile though, you just get numb, and make good pals with the 'Hide' function on FB.
Your baby (and this pregnancy) do deserve to be celebrated, no question about it. But there's a tactful way that it can be done. Post your u/s picture and share your joy with the world. Update friends and family on the progress etc. Just try not to be one of those people who post 30 FB status updates a day with things like "Teehee, baby is tickling my tummy" or "I'm eating pickles and ice cream because I'm PREGNANT" etc. You know.. those really nauseating, TMI status updates.
This, you can still talk to her and put updates, filter her so she doesn't see the picks or your status. She doesn't necessarily need to block you.
Thanks ladies, for the thoughtful replies. She has sent me a message since, saying she would never block me. She did say she understands that she needs to get over it, but I think I will be using that nifty padlock feature you guys mentioned. I didn't realize you could do that with each update.
Thanks guys.