This pregnancy isn't helping me forget the loss...

alamares81 · December 2010

My first pregnancy ever... I found out that I was pregnant on May 5, 2010. We lost the baby sometime around 5-6 weeks and I had a D&C on July 9, 2010. We were somewhat "restricted" from getting pregnant for at least 3 months after surgery. I thought when I became pregnant again that I would "obsess" over this pregnancy and not the other one. So far, not the case.

Don't get me wrong, we tried to get pregnant ASAP and I'm happy we succeded. But I still get sad when I think about how I'm supposed to be 8 1/2 months pregnant right now, not 4 weeks. I know January 8, 2011 is going to be a sad day for my DH and I. I feel a little disconnected to this pregnancy, mainly out of the fear of a repeat event.

Did anyone else feel this way? I hope this obsession with my first pregnancy goes away so I can focus 100% on baby to be.

x0stephanie · December 2010

I feel that way too. Its good to know waiting longer (like you did in your case) wouldn't have made much difference. I got pregnant 2 weeks after my miscarriage and this whole time I've felt so disconnected about this pregnancy. I don't even want to talk about it when my husband asks things like how I'm feeling. I dont want to talk about being pregnant at all. Its just hard.. I don't know when it gets better. I wanted to make this thread earlier but didn't at risk of sounding like an ungrateful b.

alamber4 · December 2010

I definitely felt that I needed to get pg right away to deal with my loss, and after waiting 2 cycles to ttc, I did. I made the right choice for me, but I still am dealing with the grief of losing the first pregnancy. I am also dealing with some feelings of guilt because I am happy about this baby even though it wouldn't be possible to be having her if my first pregnancy had been viable. I am due on the day that I miscarried. There are a lot of emotions with that as well.

You are certainly not alone in your feelings. I am so sorry for your loss and we will be here for you when you need it.

SoulfulWhim5862 · December 2010

x0stephanie:
I feel that way too. Its good to know waiting longer (like you did in your case) wouldn't have made much difference. I got pregnant 2 weeks after my miscarriage and this whole time I've felt so disconnected about this pregnancy. I don't even want to talk about it when my husband asks things like how I'm feeling. I dont want to talk about being pregnant at all. Its just hard.. I don't know when it gets better. I wanted to make this thread earlier but didn't at risk of sounding like an ungrateful b.

I too got pregnant 2 weeks after my second loss. I have felt really disconnected during this pregnancy, not because it happened soo soon, but because of the "what ifs". My soon to be ex-husband also left me when I was 7 weeks pregnant at the worst possible time ever when I was grieving and in an emotional state of worrying about this little one too. I am grateful, trust me I am....but emotionally this pregnancy has been extremely difficult.

bunnyb0611 · December 2010

Thank you, for saying the things I have been afraid to to anyone but DH. We conceived immediately (literally, it looks like a day or two after from my EDD) after the dr cleared us after the first miscarriage. I'm amazed we even did, as I was a mess, crying every night, barely functioning when I wasn't doing my brave face, holding it together routine at work. We weren't actively trying to, it was a miracle. The what-ifs keep me up at night sometimes, and I cry and cry over the loss. Its hard because I am so thankful for my miracle, while I am still grieving for my first baby.

shaysmom05 · December 2010

I tell you ladies what, this is completely normal. DH and I tried for a year to conceive after getting off BC. When we lost our LO, it's like our world came crashing down. We wanted to try again, but DH went overseas and timing his R&R just didn't happen.

Getting a BFP this time was a HUGE shock and, to be honest, I still have moments where I feel disconnected. There are times where if LO isn't kicking or moving around, I forget I'm pg.

OP, we are here for you when you need us! I hope you get to stay with us for a long long time.

kilissa · December 2010

I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I still think about my loss and all of the things my baby is missing out on. My little one would have been here in August and this should be baby's first Christmas - not me still pregnant. In January it will be the anniversary of my D&C and that weekend will be my baby shower. It's so unfair to lose a baby and I don't think anything will ever make that right.

I will say that as time as progressed with this pregnancy, I've become more and more attached. However, I don't think I really let myself believe it was true until after my 20 week appointment. I've been buying stuff for the new baby and I'm scared that it's going to hurt so much more if I lose him. There are so many emotions when you are PGAL. The most we can do is hope and pray for a healthy baby - the rest is out of our hands.

spincat9 · December 2010

Personally I don't feel the need to use this pregnancy to forget about the loss of the last one. I "should" have a 6 month old right now, but instead I'm 4 months pg. It seems to me what you are feeling is totally normal. But it's ok to still be sad about your loss, and still find joy in the fact that you are pregnant again. One doesn't need to "replace" the other; they can coexist. I definitely have days where I'm very misty about the loss and feel disconnected, but then I realized I have my angel up there who is watching out for the one that is on the way, and somehow that helps me to celebrate the joy of this pregnancy. Is it still scary? Absolutely. There isn't a day, even now, where I don't fear losing this baby. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Heidisean · December 2010

Totally normal! Both me and dh didn't try to get excited or really accept our pregnancy until I was about 25-30 weeks pregnant. After 3 mc's I kept thinking "when is the bomb going to drop and something bad going to happen". I seriously thought this until the day I delivered 4 weeks ago. Even after I delivered her I thought when are the docs and nurses going to come in and tell me something is wrong. I finally feel at peace now that she is here and 4 weeks old. It is horrible that we (after mc's) have to think this way but my OB reassured me that it is normal to feel this way. Best of luck to you!

FmrAFBrat · December 2010

x0stephanie:
I feel that way too. Its good to know waiting longer (like you did in your case) wouldn't have made much difference. I got pregnant 2 weeks after my miscarriage and this whole time I've felt so disconnected about this pregnancy. I don't even want to talk about it when my husband asks things like how I'm feeling. I dont want to talk about being pregnant at all. Its just hard.. I don't know when it gets better. I wanted to make this thread earlier but didn't at risk of sounding like an ungrateful b.

I didn't have a period either between losses & I am in a real state of shock & trying not to get my hopes up too much. I had actually set up an appointment with a grief therapist (because I has a lot of sadness from the loss and anger & worry about the loss of my tube)right after my loss for yesterday, & I decided to go anyways knowing that I was probably pregnant (3 BFPs 2 diff tests, I just denied it until my doctors office called). I did disclose (possible pregnancy) to the therapist & she seemed to think the new pregnancy wouldn't change a lot of my feelings, in fact it might magnify them as time goes on.

Scout05 · December 2010

This is what I always try to explain to people who post after their losses that they just want to be pregnant again so they can "move on." They usually resent the idea, but it just doesn't work like that. You are still grieving, regardless of what is going on now, and that's okay. That's healthy. That's what is supposed to be happening.

I still cry over all my losses. I have moments that I think about each of them, and the milestones (EDDs, loss anniversaries) are not easier because I am pregnant now. They still hurt.

I want this baby. But I wanted the others too. That doesn't just go away.

a&b=him&me · December 2010

I don't think the "what ifs, I should, and maybes" will ever really go away. With the Holidays here I think about how I should be "toting" around a 2month or 6month old baby and unfortunately I only have the memories.

((hugs)) No matter how much you think of your first Im sure you're also VERY focused on this LO as well!

grace782 · December 2010

I definitely feel that way sometimes. I'm "supposed" to be having a baby in six weeks, not twenty weeks. And I love this kid, but I loved that one too. Every once and a while, I'm tempted to jump on the Jan. 2011 board (original EDD was 1/11/11) and just see what I'm "supposed" to be going through, what the other January moms to be are feeling, and I just have to tell myself that that isn't how it is anymore. For the first few weeks of this pregnancy, I felt a bit disconnected, especially after some heavy bleeding (that's never really been explained by any of my doctors). Like, I didn't want to love him if he was just going to leave too. Once I started feeling him move around, it's been a complete change. Am I still sad sometimes about #1? Sure. But I remind myself that #1 was what could have been and #2 is what will be, and I need to keep it together for him. I think I will always be a little bit sad about my loss, but having something else to focus on is certainly helping.

Good luck to you! Hoping for a H&H 9 months for you and your LO.

itsmevkb · December 2010

Nothing will ever totally take away the pain of losing your first pregnancy. You may find that once you're past your first EDD and you're more pregnant this time around, like feeling the baby move, etc., that you won't be looking back so much but instead looking forward. You will love your baby but you'll always remember that there was supposed to be another baby. That's just how it is. It's okay to be sad for the things you lost but just remember to be joyful for what you have now.

damabo80 · December 2010

Hugs. I still mourn for my son everyday, and I wouldn't say that this baby is helping me mourn any less.

But, at least for me, there is a difference between mourning with hope (occupied ute) and mourning with despair (empty ute). I'll take mourning with ope anyday of the week.

elizabeth&james · December 2010

((Hugs)). My whole first tri was a blur - I didn't let myself embrace the pg fully and when we shared the news w/ family, I didn't want to let them embrace it either. It annoyed me that everyone assumed it would work out this time- made me feel like they were trivializing my feelings. I counted the weeks until my original EDD right up until the end- and marked that date as a milestone (I cried, for sure)...I hoped that after that date, I would be able to really embrace this pg and not keep thinking "i should be XX weeks pregnant" - but rather "I AM XX weeks pregnant- with this baby- and he's healthy and he's growing and I need to let myself enjoy this."

I was 20 weeks pg with this baby when my original EDD passed. In some ways I feel like I missed out on the joy and bliss of the first half of this pregnancy. But in other ways, I know I needed to let myself get thru that and not force happiness and enthusiasm. And I also realized early on that the post-m/c pregnancy, for me anyway, would be devoid of the blissful ignorance I had before the m/c - and I had to find a way to be OK with that. It was part of my journey -and I do still think about it and feel sad that it happened. But I can SO happily say that it no longer rules my feelings about this pregnancy. This is huge for me- I didn't know if I'd ever be able to say that.

Give yourself time and don't force it. This LO will be patient with you and will start to creep into your heart and your thoughts about the future...and when you are ready to fully embrace this pg, you will. Until then, no guilty feelings- it's all a part of the journey. Good luck!

Gummybear · December 2010

I agree with all of you. Since I have been pg. we have had ups and downs with the betas and spotting, and I kind of had accepted this as a loss. Oddly, I wasn't sad or upset about THIS pregnancu possibly ending, rather it made me angrier about losing our son.

alamares81 · December 2010

grace782:
I definitely feel that way sometimes. I'm "supposed" to be having a baby in six weeks, not twenty weeks. And I love this kid, but I loved that one too. Every once and a while, I'm tempted to jump on the Jan. 2011 board (original EDD was 1/11/11) and just see what I'm "supposed" to be going through, what the other January moms to be are feeling, and I just have to tell myself that that isn't how it is anymore.

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I read every word and I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I know this baby isn't a replacement, but I guess I'm just still grieving. I know January will be a hard month, but August will be all the more sweeter. Stick baby, stick!

alamares81 · December 2010

grace782:
I definitely feel that way sometimes. I'm "supposed" to be having a baby in six weeks, not twenty weeks. And I love this kid, but I loved that one too. Every once and a while, I'm tempted to jump on the Jan. 2011 board (original EDD was 1/11/11) and just see what I'm "supposed" to be going through, what the other January moms to be are feeling, and I just have to tell myself that that isn't how it is anymore.

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I read every word and I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I know this baby isn't a replacement, but I guess I'm just still grieving. I know January will be a hard month, but August will be all the more sweeter. Stick baby, stick!

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