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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Clinically Depressed and Passively Suicidal
It never in a MILLION years occurred to me that I would lose this baby. But after the shock and reality of it set in I thought I would cry and be very sad and grieve, but then I would move on. Now I've been told by multiple sources that I am suffering from depression, possibly postpartum, and that it seems that I am passively suicidal and that I need anti-depressants (please notice I've said passively; I am not going to hurt myself).
This weekend was BAD. I was hysterical for most of it. I talked to counselors on the phone 4 separate times in the span of 2 days. I described what I was feeling and after asking me lots of questions I was told that while what I'm feeling is completely normal, that I will benefit from regular counseling and medication. There was a moment or two where I was petrified that they would send me to the hospital for what I was describing. I'm relieved to know that I can get help and this can be fixed. It was very scary for a bit there. My first therapy session is this afternoon.
Have any of you suffered from depression after your losses? How did you handle it? How long did it take for you to realize it was more than grief and sadness? I wonder how common this is.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Clinically Depressed and Passively Suicidal
July 2007 m/c 6 weeks
November 2010 m/c 7 weeks 1 day
MTHFR (Compound hetero with copies of A & C)
I have suffered from depresion on an off for the last 20 years. I know my own signs of falling into sadness and because of my last 2 losses, my doctor kept me on a low dose of lexapro through this last attempt at having a child. I can say, that I notice a difference in my emotions this time around from the last time when I did not get put on meds until after the fact. I am greiving, I am crying, I am going through the process, but it feels different. I don't fear that I am going to hide away from everyone and everything the way I did last time. I am thankful that I have the medication to help me through this, along with my family, friends and medical support.
I hope you are able to see through this cloud of depression and grief.
After my first loss I definitely fell into a pretty serious depression...I was stubborn about it all and didn't ask for help or medication or anything. Months later I was finally feeling better and then when we lost our second baby one of the first things I said to my doctor was, "I'm going to need a therapist." I'm so glad I spoke up that time. She took me very seriously and got me in with one of the best in town. I'm now on an antidepressant and in therapy. I would certainly describe myself as having been "passively suicidal" as well. I certainly wasn't going to cause my own death but I constantly wished I was dead.
I think it happens all the time and it is probably less recognized after a pregnancy loss than after the birth of a healthy baby oddly enough. People still just expect us to get over it.
My second loss has still been hard, very hard, but not the same. It really is amazing what some good therapy and medication can do you for you. That being said, I am still struggling with the depression, I don't exactly know what is "normal" grief when it comes to this kind of loss but I'm pretty sure that some of my reaction to it was extreme.
I'm glad you are reaching out for help. It took me MONTHS to fully realize just how bad off I was.
[spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow
BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010
BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)
3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!
Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500
First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat
LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!
TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015
Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015
Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270
First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.
JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.
TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]
Im sorry for your loss. I just had my first loss 3 days ago, and I feel like Im in shock. I have been writing alot. It makes me cry alot, but it has also been very healing for me. I blog, and it was been good for me to write about my experience and I have also written a letter to my baby, which strangly seemed to close a door (in a good way).
I wish you peace and hope in your journey.
Thank you for all of the support and encouraging words. You are all so strong and brave! And I am so sorry for everyone here who's going through or had a loss. This is one of the hardest experiences of my entire life! But it's good to know I'm not alone and that what I'm feeling is normal and not "crazy" like it feels sometimes.
My T&P are with every single one of you!
I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand what you are going through and have had some of those same feelings. I still have mornings where I just cant seem to function and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I have found such comfort w/ these boards and I pray you do as well. I don't know if we ever get over our losses, I just pray it gets easier because it seems like these days just keep getting longer.