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Blended Families
Are we wrong in doing this ....
We were originally going to do a big family vacation next summer when SD is at our house for her week/two weeks a year. Unfortunately our price tag continues to grow as the days go by especially in the airfare department. After looking at the costs of doing a trip for just DH, sons and I versus including SD, there is a $3000+/- difference as we would have to have two cabins/rooms depending on where we were to go as well as her airfare.
I know it is wrong to not include her, but at the same time she does not keep in contact with her father and only returns his calls or even calls when she needs/wants something monetary. We have no day-to-day involvement in her life but DH sure writes the $575 check every month without question. We love her, but we also feel like she is a visitor sometimes. I know, that is wrong but when we only see talk to her half a dozen times a year, it makes it hard.
So, are we wrong in not including her in on the vacation? Part of me says yes, part of me says no.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Are we wrong in doing this ....
how old is she?
If you think she is a visitor in her own home (which her father's house should qualify) how do you think she feels? Probably as comfy as sitting on a cactus.
Unless this daughter is an adult with a life of her own, I think you know you need to take her. This might be an opportunity for everyone to get to know each other.
After looking at the costs of doing a trip for just DH, sons and I versus including SD, there is a $3000+/- difference as we would have to have two cabins/rooms depending on where we were to go as well as her airfare.
Who's sons are these?
Sorry but I wouldn't dream of having a vacation with my twins and not invite my SS.
Future - I just read back my response and I hope I didn't come across as rough.
I don't think the point should be the money - if it is then I would recommend changing the vacation to a more affordable one, where ALL the kids are included. How old is SD - how old are the "sons" ? If they were all in their early teens why wouldn't you all be able to share one room - it's a cabin right?
I know it is wrong to not include her, but at the same time she does not keep in contact with her father and only returns his calls or even calls when she needs/wants something monetary. We have no day-to-day involvement in her life but DH sure writes the $575 check every month without question
Again - how old is she? Has your DH brought this up to her. Although she may not be living with her father - his relationship with her can still be strong enough (if worked at) to be able to minimize this. You have no day to day involvement - how far away does she live? Does you DH call her> how often, etc...
Him writing the check is a given - it's his daughter and his responsibility so this shouldn't be a factor.
I agree...it would be wrong.
I understand that she may not be close to her dad but that could be since she is also feels like "visitor" when she is over there. If y'all go on this vacation with out her it will only drive a wedge in more. I could see her being resentful and hurt...I know I would be if that had happened to me.
take it from the child of a broken home, include her.
my dad and step-mom went on vacations with my little brothers all the time and left me out and i STILL feel a pang of anger whenever i think about it. i may not have lived with them (they were in MN and i lived in Vegas w/ my mom) but it reinforced the idea that i WAS NOT part of their family.
i still feel like i'm "making up" for that time and i'm in my 30s and have an amazing relationship with my dad, step-mom and brothers now.
you'll always go to bed feeling good about that choice. how will you feel if you don't take her?
rethink your vacation plans, it is way wrong!
Thanks everyone! SD is 16 and her mother (DH and mom never marreid) has to this day continued to trash DH to his daughter saying he never wanted her nor does he love her. Every year it is the same situation of how her mother is right and DH does not care, love her, etc. DH will call her, leaves a message and SD will not return the call. I had to remind SD that it was her father's birthday and to tell him happy father's day. Her mother makes this very hard for us every year and I know that it is not fair to SD. I try so hard when she is here to reassure her and show her the love we have for her. In the return we get the nasty attitudes, ugly comments, etc but I know it is just her mother talking through her.
The sons described in this post are my two sons with my ex-husband who live with DH and I full-time.
I think a family trip WITH her might actually do some good, and WITHOUT her will just further prove to her that your new family doesn't consider her part of it. Plus it will give even more ammunition to BM.
You absolutely need to make vacation plans to include her! Ask her where she would like to go, include her AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!
IF you decide not to take her you are just telling her straight out that she is not as important and that sucks , no matter how old you are!
So how many times a year does your DH see his daughter. You mentioned that the BM does this every year..... does he see her once a year? Where do you guys live as opposed to her?
We are in Las Vegas, SD is in Indiana and we get to see her for two weeks max during the summer if her mother lets her otherwise it is one week a year.
Hi, Im just a random lurker but here is my 2cents.
I think that you shouldnt have to wait for her to come visit to have a family vacation. She isnt all the involved in your family and thats ok. It happens...Wouldnt rub the vacation in her face though.
On the other side I would make sure to do something special when she is there visiting. It does not have to be a huge event, but something. Maybe ask her in advance to pick a special something she would like to do while she visits?
Coming from step mom with a difficult SD....do not have vacation with out her. Trust me onthis. No matter what age, they will find out and they will harbor resentment. Do something affordable for the entire family. Buy tents and camp out in the back yard if you must - but do NOT leave this poor child out no matter what the situation.
My heart aches for her that you even considered this an option.
In this day and age families are going to have to learn that you don't have to spend a small fortune to go on vacation and yes... you will survive if you do it on a budget or forego it a year or two or three. The children will survive as well. Family vacations ARE NOT MANDATORY. Family togetherness IS.
Again. Speaking for my SD here...do not leave this child out. Please.
Another thought. Forego the vacation and spend the money on her visiting more often.
Seriously. This child needs more attention from her father. Not an expensive fun filled vacation.
Again - trust me on this. Even with the little you have told me there are some similarities between your SD and mine. My SD harbors some resentment against her dad for time he did not spend with her when she was a child. She's 18 now and pretty messed up.