Could use some support - Dr's visit (long)
I swear, it feels like the doctors visits this pregnancy are downers. I know I've had an easy pg, and I have SO much to be thankful for, but just little blows here and there.
Today's lead to a VBAC related emotional upheaval. I went in there prepared to discuss some specifics about the hospital, and my doctor (a FP doctor) let me know of a new hospital policy. FP doctors can no longer deliver or oversee labor of VBACs at my first hospital choice. So, if I do go there, and stick with my doctor, I'm open to whatever OB is on call. I've seen 4 of the 7 OB's at one point or another from that practice, and have been less than thrilled with all of them at some point in their care (one being the one who delivered DS, who told me I could either grow a smaller baby or get a bigger pelvis to increase my chances of VBAC - spectacular...). Add on to that I have no idea or control as to who will be on (obviously) and therefore, no idea if they'll allow me to use pit if labor stalls, if they'd be open to a foley catheter induction (although that we'd possibly have a bit more control on as we'd have to schedule that one), or any other real knowledge beforehand - one of the reasons I switched to a FP doctor in the first place, so I'd have a good relationship with the person who was overseeing my labor.
I left the office in tears, drove home in tears, and the rest of the day wasn't much better - didn't help that DH had to go to work and I had to watch DS who decided today was a fun day to test time out procedures (overall he was good, but I wasn't in the best frame of mind to handle it).
I have been thinking about it, and I think what scares me or makes me the most angry is that I'd arrived at some peace knowing that I could control who I chose for my birth team, and I'd done that - I'd had a new doctor that I trusted would let me have ample input into my care, a doula, etc. Now, half of the team that I assembled (DH not counted, as he kind of is in it for the long haul and I didn't really specifically choose him for this birth) is gone if I go with this hospital.
The other hospital is looking like more of an option. Actually has a good VBAC rate, although they only attempted around 14 last year. What bothers me the most is that I already had a high level of comfort with the first hospital, and they are the only hospital in the area with wireless monitoring, and having freedom of movement if very important to me. I'm already peeved about being GBS+, the idea of adding on continuous fetal monitoring with wires attached totally psyches me out. I honestly almost felt like I should just give up at some point today - that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotional upheavals, although that isn't at all what I want.
I feel like I've lost the emotional anchor I thought I had. Plus, because I've been feeling pretty depressed since about 2:20 this afternoon, I feel like I'm creating this toxic environment for both my unborn LO and DS, who got to see mama totally lose it today.
On top of all of it, I (possibly rather royally) failed my 1 hr GD test - 142 when it's supposed to be 130. To be fair, I failed the 1 hour last time, too, and passed the 3, but I just have this feeling that this time I'll fail the 3 hr, too. Just feels like that's the way things are going right now. So I may be a GBS+, GD VBACer who very possibly will have little control over who my doctor is when push comes to shove.
Re: Could use some support - Dr's visit (long)
so sorry you had such a rough day. That is a lot for one visit, I am sure!
I don't know that I really have any advice, but I do want to say that if you are comfortable with it, you could labor at home and just go to the hopsital to push. Then it wouldn't matter so much who is on call. It just sounds to me like you prefer the hospital you are at now, so maybe that is a compromise? Or maybe at the other hospital you could have 15 minutes on the monitor every hour so you are still free to move (because I agree that movement is key when in labor).
I also know that here, VBAC policies within hopsitals change daily it seems so maybe in the next 10-14 weeks the policy will change again and your current doc can deliver?
Also, GBS changes frequently too. You may be negative at 34 weeks (or however late you can test) if you can them retest you later.
Could you maybe talk to you current doc about what he recommends? Maybe he could give you some inside info on what he thinks would be best for you. And I always try to remember that you can always fire your doctor or nurse. Even if you are in labor.
Lots of postive thoughts going to you, mama!
I know exactly what you mean about finding peace by choosing your birth team. I was on edge from the moment I POAS until I got the call from my midwife saying that she would make an exception for me to VBAC with her. I would be devastated if a complication arose that forced me to switch to a new provider or location. It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place there, and I don't have any advice, just sympathy.
Please don't stress further over "losing it" in front of your son. Speaking as a weepy pregnant mother, unless you are constantly angry or crying, it's healthy for your child see you handle your own emotions. I usually tell DS something like: "Mommy is sad because it was a tough day. It isn't your fault, but I'd sure like a hug. I know you like getting a hug when you feel sad, too".
Sorry love. No advice here. but feel free to vent and let it out. I know when i saw the other doctor at my doctor's practice, she told me they are going to schedule a c-section and i said "NO". I am going to VBAC and she said "well, we will all discuss it". I said talk all you like but if you don't allow it or will support me in it, I will just find another doctor that will and they can get my money".
Stay strong. my thoughts are with you
M/C Dec 2010 - 5w5d Missing my sweet angel baby.
Midwives only can do homebirths here, and up to this point, neither DH nor I have felt comfortable with that. Honestly, this has kind of made me wonder, but there are still things that make me prefer a hospital/birth center birth. Sadly, now birth centers here.
That sucks. I'm sorry! Have you gone to the other hospital to check it out?
M/C Dec 2010 - 5w5d Missing my sweet angel baby.
I'm sorry you had such a bad appointment and day! *hugs*
They don' [even test for GBS here as results can change up until/thru birth. So I have no advice re: that. Actually I have no advice either, just sympathy. I odn't have a set OB; I've only ever seen a team, which is why I don't have a lot of faith that I'll be successful in a vbac: no personal relationships to build on. My MW can't oversee me as I'm too 'high risk', and the OBs are interchangeable, so who knows who will actually be there to decide when my cut off is for my trial of labour...
Not yet - I'm going to e-mail the L&D nurse who has been answering my questions over there on Monday to set something up.