I swear, it feels like the doctors visits this pregnancy are downers. I know I've had an easy pg, and I have SO much to be thankful for, but just little blows here and there.
Today's lead to a VBAC related emotional upheaval. I went in there prepared to discuss some specifics about the hospital, and my doctor (a FP doctor) let me know of a new hospital policy. FP doctors can no longer deliver or oversee labor of VBACs at my first hospital choice. So, if I do go there, and stick with my doctor, I'm open to whatever OB is on call. I've seen 4 of the 7 OB's at one point or another from that practice, and have been less than thrilled with all of them at some point in their care (one being the one who delivered DS, who told me I could either grow a smaller baby or get a bigger pelvis to increase my chances of VBAC - spectacular...). Add on to that I have no idea or control as to who will be on (obviously) and therefore, no idea if they'll allow me to use pit if labor stalls, if they'd be open to a foley catheter induction (although that we'd possibly have a bit more control on as we'd have to schedule that one), or any other real knowledge beforehand - one of the reasons I switched to a FP doctor in the first place, so I'd have a good relationship with the person who was overseeing my labor.
I left the office in tears, drove home in tears, and the rest of the day wasn't much better - didn't help that DH had to go to work and I had to watch DS who decided today was a fun day to test time out procedures (overall he was good, but I wasn't in the best frame of mind to handle it).
I have been thinking about it, and I think what scares me or makes me the most angry is that I'd arrived at some peace knowing that I could control who I chose for my birth team, and I'd done that - I'd had a new doctor that I trusted would let me have ample input into my care, a doula, etc. Now, half of the team that I assembled (DH not counted, as he kind of is in it for the long haul and I didn't really specifically choose him for this birth) is gone if I go with this hospital.
The other hospital is looking like more of an option. Actually has a good VBAC rate, although they only attempted around 14 last year. What bothers me the most is that I already had a high level of comfort with the first hospital, and they are the only hospital in the area with wireless monitoring, and having freedom of movement if very important to me. I'm already peeved about being GBS+, the idea of adding on continuous fetal monitoring with wires attached totally psyches me out. I honestly almost felt like I should just give up at some point today - that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotional upheavals, although that isn't at all what I want.
I feel like I've lost the emotional anchor I thought I had. Plus, because I've been feeling pretty depressed since about 2:20 this afternoon, I feel like I'm creating this toxic environment for both my unborn LO and DS, who got to see mama totally lose it today.
On top of all of it, I (possibly rather royally) failed my 1 hr GD test - 142 when it's supposed to be 130. To be fair, I failed the 1 hour last time, too, and passed the 3, but I just have this feeling that this time I'll fail the 3 hr, too. Just feels like that's the way things are going right now. So I may be a GBS+, GD VBACer who very possibly will have little control over who my doctor is when push comes to shove.