Anyone else think destination weddings are selfish?

sarahns80 · November 2010

I found out at Thanksgiving dinner that my SIL is getting married and wants to get married on an island in the Carribean. Of course we are expected to go and she hasn't set a date yet but it will definately be after the baby, probably 1 year from now. I would have a 2.5 year old and a 5 or 6 month old. We mentioned it would be hard to travel with the babies and MIL said "Oh we can help". Then my DH said "that's gonna be expensive for everyone, are ya'll helping?" to my IL's and FIL says "are you smoking crack?" (basically no way), so we will have to pay to take our whole family down there. Also they mentioned the reason they are waiting a year is b/c her fiance's parents need time to save up for the trip too. So basically they are putting everyone around them in a financial bind where we will have to spend thousands of dollars to go and have a difficult time travelling with a baby and toddler. We have only taken 1 trip with DD when she was about 13 months and it was one of the most difficult things I have done! Not to mention I will probably still not want to be in a swim suit that soon after having a baby! This sucks and I think it's very selfish of her to inconvenience everyone. My DH is her only brother and we would have to go.

PoetSorrow · November 2010

I totally agree with you and I wouldn't go. It's one thing if they want their wedding there but to expect everyone to pay so much $ to get there is ridiculous unless you have a very rich family. I have heard of people who did destination weddings and paid for their parents and one bridesmaid and groomsman to go with them and then had the reception at home. I think that is a fair compromise.

You are going to have two LO's to deal with, I'd decline.

TSD · November 2010

If they expect you to come and expect you to pay for it. If you can say no because it's too expensive and there would be no hard feelings, then no. If it's an expectation no matter the financial burden, then yes.

starlingrose · November 2010

I dont think you "have" to go at all. If you feel like he needs to be there I would just send him for 4 days or something. I think when someone chooses to have a destination wedding they choose to not have everyone there. I have turned down two destination wedding invites of very longtime friends because its not something I want to spend my money on. Wish them the best and dont worry about it, honestly.

Payne2B2008 · November 2010

jackieobride:
I dont think you "have" to go at all. If you feel like he needs to be there I would just send him for 4 days or something. I think when someone chooses to have a destination wedding they choose to not have everyone there. I have turned down two destination wedding invites of very longtime friends because its not something I want to spend my money on. Wish them the best and dont worry about it, honestly.

I would have to agree with this. If DH has to go let him go.

smilelari · November 2010

Whether or not it's selfish depends on a lot of things. I have a friend that did a destination wedding in Vegas because most of the guests had to travel anyways and Vegas is a cheaper trip than CO

As long as you are "allowed" to bow out because it's not affordable, then not really selfish. It's their wedding and they can do it how they want to. You don't have to go.

janice74 · November 2010

I only think it's selfish if they expect you to be there. Our wedding was semi-destination and we didn't hold it against anyone if they didn't go, but my father helped my siblings out by buying plane tickets for them, their spouses and their kids and I think he paid for their hotel too.

I would just send DH if it is a hassle. I would think that would be understandable with two kids.

Disneygeek77 · November 2010

It's an invitation not a subpoena. You don't have to do anything. Unless you can shoot silver dollars out of your butt, you simply can't afford this trip. If you can't go, you can't go. Send a nice gift and take the newlyweds out to a nice restaurant when they return.

KathrynMD · November 2010

meh - if you can't afford to go or its too hard to go w/ the kids, don't. the idea of a destination wedding is for people to have a vacation w/ the wedding, if its not a vacation for you or you can't afford it, don't go. The worst thing would be to go and be annoyed. It is sort of selfish of the bride, but I seriously doubt this has even crossed her mind - she's in love and has visions of a tropical beach wedding and vacation surrounded by all her family and friends - who wouldn't love that? The reality of the expense and hassle of the travel for everyone will hit soon enough. You should just be honest with her now and tell her that you probably won't be able to attend though.

etude de la vie · November 2010

we had a destination wedding but we were already living in Europe. We had 20 people total including DH&I. I didn't expect anyone to really make the trip besides our parents. My siblings and DH's siblings came with a 18 month old and a 6 month old. The kids adjusted to the time well and really didn't disrupt the trip at all for anyone.

We had planned private busses for our group and private excursions they could choose to go on or not (just our family group). I don't think DH and I were selfish at all...in fact we made sure everyone who could make it out would have a vacation of a lifetime! Our wedding was magical....we were lucky enough to get married in a 15th century cathedral and everyone stayed where our reception was located (a 5 star+ hotel) are a very reasonable rate (I think I negotiated about about $130 a night for non-suite). Overall our wedding wasn't "cheaper" for us but it was worth it and everyone who went agreed.

We were pressured to do another reception out here but we refused. My feelings were not hurt if someone couldn't fly out there... it was my choice to go far away and I knew (and liked the idea) of not having everyone show up plus their neighbor as a guest.

If anything have DH go alone!

AZAudiGirl · November 2010

I wouldn't go. They have every right to get married anywhere they want and you have every right not to go.

Lucky428 · November 2010

For a destination wedding like this, I would have my DH go but I would stay home with the child(ren). Not worth the hassle IMO. Unless I had tons of extra cash, I would just send my DH to be at his sister's wedding and leave it at that.

erikaja6 · November 2010

I agree with a lot of the previous posters. If you really can't afford it financially (and don't want to have to deal with the hassle of taking two kids), then you shouldn't go. However, I think your husband should definitely go. That's his sister. Hopefully he can explain to his sister why you and the kids aren't going and she'll understand. Good luck!

rebus82 · November 2010

It's their wedding - if there is an event in life where one is allowed to be selfish, that would be it.

You don't HAVE to go. Your husband doesn't HAVE to go. If your in-laws want to help offset the costs, and you want to go, then that's very generous of them and you should accept graciously. You not wanting to wear a swimsuit or deal with traveling with children is not the bride or groom's problem, it's yours. They're being kind enough to give people a year's advance notice in order to save up if necessary, and they're going to the Caribbean, not freaking Siberia. Stop going out to eat, dump superfluous cell phone and cable plans, par down Christmas and birthdays for the next year and consider the wedding a family vacation. Or don't go. It's not rocket science, nor is it especially rude (unless they get pissy when people decline the invite). It's what they want. Deal with it.

dragon_chica · November 2010

Ditto others. As long as she doesn't throw a hissy fit if the entire family can't go then her and her FI can do whatever they want. It is a union between the two of them not anyone else so if they want to remember that union on a tropical island than so be it. And FYI, I highly doubt she considered whether or not your LO's have been exposed to extensive traveling or whether or not you have the courage to wear a swimsuit so soon after giving birth. That's not her problem and you need to suck it up and save the money or send DH and stay home. In fact, extending her engagement so people can save up to attend, to me, is showing an awareness of how much it would cost people and therefore they want their loved ones to have the time to save up. They could've easily planned a DW for 6 months or even 9 months later but they didn't. So in a way, that is NOT selfish at all.

dragon_chica · November 2010

rebus82:
It's their wedding - if there is an event in life where one is allowed to be selfish, that would be it.
You don't HAVE to go. Your husband doesn't HAVE to go. If your in-laws want to help offset the costs, and you want to go, then that's very generous of them and you should accept graciously. You not wanting to wear a swimsuit or deal with traveling with children is not the bride or groom's problem, it's yours. They're being kind enough to give people a year's advance notice in order to save up if necessary, and they're going to the Caribbean, not freaking Siberia. Stop going out to eat, dump superfluous cell phone and cable plans, par down Christmas and birthdays for the next year and consider the wedding a family vacation. Or don't go. It's not rocket science, nor is it especially rude (unless they get pissy when people decline the invite). It's what they want. Deal with it.

LOL, double post!

Ivana_Stolichnaya · November 2010

I would be annoyed and would skip out. Maybe your husband can go but you stay behind with the babies. I only think it's selfish if they plan this far away adventure and then get upset when not everyone can make it. They should expect some people...even close family to not be able to come.

CalinsBride · November 2010

I don't necessarily think destination weddings are selfish in and of themselves. I think it's selfish for the couple to have a destination wedding and expect that all their family and friends will be there, though. If they choose to get married somewhere far away, they should have absolutely no expectations that anyone but them will be there. If there's family that they care enough to insist that they be there, then financial help should be offered.

That said, I don't think I would have a destination wedding for that reason. It's not because I think it's selfish per se, more that having family and friends there to celebrate with me is important. I also think that if they really want to go to an island in the caribbean, why not save it for the honeymoon? But everyone deserves the wedding that they want, and you can't really call them selfish for that.

Art Teacher · November 2010

One of my family members was a planning a similar wedding. She emailed everyone to give us a 'heads up' about it, and we emailed back saying it was VERY unlikely we would attend. Too much $$ and I wouldn't get that much time off (I teach.)

So many people couldn't go that they decided to have a local wedding instead.

If you can't afford it, just tell them. If they get mad, tough. It's your family and your money.

kelbrian · November 2010

Not your wedding, not your choice. It's not about what's best for you or your kids - that's not their concern and shouldn't be.

Weddings are about the bride and the groom, so of course ultimately it is selfish. I'm sure that you and your DH did things that seemed selfish to your guests at your wedding but that ultimately made YOU happy, just as I'm sure my DH and I did things that seemed selfish to others. A wedding is about making the bride and groom happy, not the other way around.

Don't go it if it is going to make you that angry and that financially strapped.

Echowysp · November 2010

dragon_chica:
Ditto others. As long as she doesn't throw a hissy fit if the entire family can't go then her and her FI can do whatever they want. It is a union between the two of them not anyone else so if they want to remember that union on a tropical island than so be it. And FYI, I highly doubt she considered whether or not your LO's have been exposed to extensive traveling or whether or not you have the courage to wear a swimsuit so soon after giving birth. That's not her problem and you need to suck it up and save the money or send DH and stay home. In fact, extending her engagement so people can save up to attend, to me, is showing an awareness of how much it would cost people and therefore they want their loved ones to have the time to save up. They could've easily planned a DW for 6 months or even 9 months later but they didn't. So in a way, that is NOT selfish at all.

I agree. So, she should have her wedding at a boring local place because you don't want to travel or put on a bathing suit? Ooh kay.....

You don't have to go. It's not them being rude to want to get married on an island, though. It would be rude of you to think they were, however. It's their wedding, her once in a lifetime. Who cares what you think, really?

NewFamily09 · November 2010

Is there anyone that you can leave your kids with and just go with DH? That's probably what I would do. Either that or don't go at all. I think if enough people mention to her that it's expensive and they can't go, maybe she'll get the hint and change her mind to a more affordable destination. There are plenty of beautiful locations here in the U.S. that cost thousands less- Charleston, SC, Savannah, GA, Florida, etc.

Scooter359 · November 2010

Honestly, if it was my wedding I would want it where I want to have it regardless of who comes. I think if you are upfront about how difficult it's going to be for you then she should understand you not coming, but I wouldn't expect them to change their wedding plans for other people.(and come on...a years notice and help from ILs...you can make it work) It's their wedding day, not yours. Traveling with a baby isn't impossible, and six months isn't THAT soon to be in a bathing suit, that is your issue not theirs. This is all coming off very harsh but I think it is selfish of everyone else to want them to change their dream wedding. Their logic is probably for everyone to get an awesome vacation out of it as well...so I don't fault them.

Sage Mommy · November 2010

My only issue with destination weddings is when the couple expects people to go and causes drama when certain guests can't attend.

And I agree with PP's about having DSH just by himself for a few days if you can afford it.

Quiksilver620 · November 2010

I would think they were selfish if you HAD to go. I don't care where/when people get married, but they better not have an attitude when I say I can't afford to go

sarahns80 · November 2010

Echowysp:

dragon_chica:
Ditto others. As long as she doesn't throw a hissy fit if the entire family can't go then her and her FI can do whatever they want. It is a union between the two of them not anyone else so if they want to remember that union on a tropical island than so be it. And FYI, I highly doubt she considered whether or not your LO's have been exposed to extensive traveling or whether or not you have the courage to wear a swimsuit so soon after giving birth. That's not her problem and you need to suck it up and save the money or send DH and stay home. In fact, extending her engagement so people can save up to attend, to me, is showing an awareness of how much it would cost people and therefore they want their loved ones to have the time to save up. They could've easily planned a DW for 6 months or even 9 months later but they didn't. So in a way, that is NOT selfish at all.

I agree. So, she should have her wedding at a boring local place because you don't want to travel or put on a bathing suit? Ooh kay.....

You don't have to go. It's not them being rude to want to get married on an island, though. It would be rude of you to think they were, however. It's their wedding, her once in a lifetime. Who cares what you think, really?

Um putting on the bathing suit was the least of my worries. Spending our life savings and traveling with a toddler and baby were what I am most concerned about. And she will throw a hissy fit if I don't go, I know her and she would be pissed at me forever. So all the posts about it's her wedding and it's only selfish if she expects you to go, well she expects us both to go. I should have mentioned that the only time we traveling with DD was to my DH's best friends wedding in NY and she said "well you went to his wedding so why can't you go to mine". Yeah going to that wedding was rediculously expensive and we are still paying for it and it was one of the most difficult things I've done (sleepless nights since DD wasn't in her crib, crying fits on the plane, fussy all the time, eating out every meal at a restaurant when it's hard to do that once a week now, etc.) and I vowed not to do it again.

Echowysp · November 2010

sarahns80:
Echowysp:

dragon_chica:
Ditto others. As long as she doesn't throw a hissy fit if the entire family can't go then her and her FI can do whatever they want. It is a union between the two of them not anyone else so if they want to remember that union on a tropical island than so be it. And FYI, I highly doubt she considered whether or not your LO's have been exposed to extensive traveling or whether or not you have the courage to wear a swimsuit so soon after giving birth. That's not her problem and you need to suck it up and save the money or send DH and stay home. In fact, extending her engagement so people can save up to attend, to me, is showing an awareness of how much it would cost people and therefore they want their loved ones to have the time to save up. They could've easily planned a DW for 6 months or even 9 months later but they didn't. So in a way, that is NOT selfish at all.

I agree. So, she should have her wedding at a boring local place because you don't want to travel or put on a bathing suit? Ooh kay.....

You don't have to go. It's not them being rude to want to get married on an island, though. It would be rude of you to think they were, however. It's their wedding, her once in a lifetime. Who cares what you think, really?

Um putting on the bathing suit was the least of my worries. Spending our life savings and traveling with a toddler and baby were what I am most concerned about. And she will throw a hissy fit if I don't go, I know her and she would be pissed at me forever. So all the posts about it's her wedding and it's only selfish if she expects you to go, well she expects us both to go. I should have mentioned that the only time we traveling with DD was to my DH's best friends wedding in NY and she said "well you went to his wedding so why can't you go to mine". Yeah going to that wedding was rediculously expensive and we are still paying for it and it was one of the most difficult things I've done (sleepless nights since DD wasn't in her crib, crying fits on the plane, fussy all the time, eating out every meal at a restaurant when it's hard to do that once a week now, etc.) and I vowed not to do it again.

Dude, we went to Palestinian Territory with a 9 month old, which was a 14 hour plan ride, and had to endure the Israelis shutting the water off for 4 days, therefore not having water to flush the toilets, shower or cook.

Listen, if you don't want to go, then don't go. It's their wedding to have anywhere they want. Your opinion doesn't matter. If she gets pissy you don't go, that's her problem, right?

CalinsBride · November 2010

Scooter359:
Honestly, if it was my wedding I would want it where I want to have it regardless of who comes. I think if you are upfront about how difficult it's going to be for you then she should understand you not coming, but I wouldn't expect them to change their wedding plans for other people.(and come on...a years notice and help from ILs...you can make it work) It's their wedding day, not yours. Traveling with a baby isn't impossible, and six months isn't THAT soon to be in a bathing suit, that is your issue not theirs. This is all coming off very harsh but I think it is selfish of everyone else to want them to change their dream wedding. Their logic is probably for everyone to get an awesome vacation out of it as well...so I don't fault them.

I don't think anyone should have to bend over backwards to attend someone else's wedding. They shouldn't have to be strapped, to scrimp and save, to go to a wedding. The couple can have it wherever they want, but you don't know the OP's financial situation. I personally could NOT make it work. My cousin is planning a D/W and we have TWO year's notice and it's still not going to happen. We don't have the cash. Period.

Plus, I think the OP said that the ILs were not going to help, didn't she?

ETA: And to those who said the OP should save up and think of it as a family vacation. . .I want to plan my own family vacations. My cousin's wedding is in Aruba, and I've been to the caribbean and don't necessarily plan on going back. I wouldn't want to save up for two years to go on a vacation I don't even want to take, when there are places I would really like to go, and set my family back financially. DH and I have been guilted into taking a vacation before that we couldn't afford, and we were paying for it for months. We are never going to do that again, and no one has the right to expect that of anyone.

Mrs.Hizzo · November 2010

We had a DW. We paid for airfare/hotel for our immediate families and the best man and his wife, so the only thing that was really selfish about it was asking people to take the time off and pay for their meals, etc on the trip. No one else was expected to go, but a lot of people did, and I really appreciated that.

I don't know. I think it's her wedding and you're sort of making it about you. Like pps have said, you don't have to go. If she gets mad about it, that's her problem.

mieuxmieux · November 2010

I don't think destination weddings are selfish... after all the wedding is for and about them. However, I do think it if selfish if they expect everyone to go. That is a huge expense just to go to a wedding.

howa0155 · November 2010

You do not HAVE to go and if they expect you to do so (e.g. they would get really pissed if you don't go) then they are selfish. However, destination weddings alone are not.

I had a destination wedding in an attempt to have my terminally ill grandfather attend (he could not travel so we went to him). Hardly any of our friends/family could attend - and that was a-okay with us because we knew that it would be expensive for them.

I think having a blanket statement that all destination weddings are selfish is not accurate. In your case, possibly.

Clotho! · November 2010

If they want to have a destination wedding that is there choice but they should not expect people to come.

My brother and his fiancee were planning on having a wedding in the Caribbean. We would have had to bring our 3 year old and 13 month old w/ us not to mention the cost and the fact that dh had just started a new job and therefore had no vacation time. I told my mom I thought it was crazy and that we would send along a gift but that there was no way we could go. Well turns out a lot of people thought the same thing so they decided to have the wedding closer to home instead. I don't think SIL was real happy w/ that but it was either have no one attend or move the location.

groovygrl · November 2010

Oh geez. let me get on my soapbox.

If someone gets married on the opposite coast from you in some expensive area that is far from you, is it selfish? What about people whose families are in one are of the country & they choose to get married in the area where they are currently living, so all hte family has to come to them. Selfish too? The whole 'expecting you to come' thing is a bit weird & did they actually say that or does YH just think that? B/c in reality they probably don't care THAT much and would understand. Most people who chose DWs do.

Expecting ppl to pay for others to attend their wedding is ridiculous IMO unless it is your own parents who say you 'have' to go to some family wedding when they know you can't afford it, then tell them to offer to pay. Asking your cousin's family to pay for guests is not appropriate... back to my original questions, would you expect someone to pay for you to fly to a differnet part of the country & stay in a hotel?

Don't go if you're not able to & don't want that to be your family vacation. Write them a nice note or something explaining why & that you can't wait to see photos, you're sure it'll be beautiful etc. Maybe send something to their room during the event or something or give them something before they leave that they can use during the event (we had a good friend send us champagne b/c she couldnt come).

I had a DW and had a small wedding party (my 2 BFs who I knew could go & afford it & who had a great time, and MH's brother) so there were no expectations for anyone to go & if our wedding party or our siblings couldn't make it, that was ok too. We had 60 ppl attend our wedding & only expected maybe 30-40 to say yes. Everyone there asked us if we could please host an anniversary party (joking of course) b/c they had such a great time. Our friends/family left kids home with family members for a couple days & had great couple getaways. We were not AT ALL upset with any friends or family who chose not to come for whatever reason.

And honestly, both our families were so concerned about offending people (like you, apparently) that we whittled down our guest list & my only regret is that I did not invite a couple ppl who I wasn't sure could afford it & didnt want to make them uncomfortable- guess what, NOT inviting them affected our friendships more than inviting them would have, I rarely heard from either of the two ppl who come to mind after the wedding & I truly think they were offended that I didn't invite them.

If that is not your style and not your interest, don't do it. I think you're making it too much about you & making it a bigger deal than it should be.

ETA- i re read the original post & realized it is your h's sister, I don't know why I thought it was a cousin...!? anyway, I think YH should go even if you can't & should see if your ILs can help pay for part of it. But you guys really would have fun if you could possible go, even for 2 nights. GL.

SwissPrincessBride · November 2010

I wouldn't use the word selfish to describe how she wants to be married however, I would use "unrealistic" are her expectations that everyone can come. If you are not comfortable going and traveling with two little ones then I would stay home and lose no sleep over it. Anyone who plans a destination wedding should honestly be prepared that loved ones are not all going to be able to come. I was MOH in a wedding once where, with two weeks notice, the bride and groom up and moved the entire wedding to TN (originally it was in PA where we lived). I could not afford it nor take extra time off work to travel all the way to TN on that short of notice. To this day the bride does not speak to me and went as far as to accuse me of not coming because I was jealous of her. Yeah.....

ttmccoot · November 2010

rebus82:

It's their wedding - if there is an event in life where one is allowed to be selfish, that would be it.

You don't HAVE to go. Your husband doesn't HAVE to go. If your in-laws want to help offset the costs, and you want to go, then that's very generous of them and you should accept graciously. You not wanting to wear a swimsuit or deal with traveling with children is not the bride or groom's problem, it's yours. They're being kind enough to give people a year's advance notice in order to save up if necessary, and they're going to the Caribbean, not freaking Siberia. Stop going out to eat, dump superfluous cell phone and cable plans, par down Christmas and birthdays for the next year and consider the wedding a family vacation. Or don't go. It's not rocket science, nor is it especially rude (unless they get pissy when people decline the invite). It's what they want. Deal with it.

Yes

MSUMamaof2 · November 2010

I'm throwing out a suggestion here that hasn't been brought up--is it possible that your children could stay with one of your friends/relatives (your parents, perhaps?) while you and DH go?

That being said, I've been where you are. When my younger sister married the first time (yeah, there's been more since then....), her husband was from Serbia and they married there. We decided not to attend because of finances, and we didn't even have children at the time. My sister needed to understand that if she chose to have her wedding on the other side of the world (and I understand their reasons completely), there were just going to be some of us who couldn't make it.

I'm from Michigan originally and DH is from Iowa. We opted for a midwest destination wedding in Galena, IL. There were some people who didn't come because of the travel issue and we were okay with that. It wasn't selfish of us to have it there, per se. It would have been selfish of us to expect everyone to come and pay for everything.

What would I do if I was you? I'd tell SIL no and let her pout. If she spends her lifetime b!tching about the fact that you weren't there, her loss. And lastly, I'm calling BS on the posters who think people can be selfish with their wedding plans and it's okay. People need to understand when they plan their wedding that their choices may have lifetime implications and consequences. I'm tired of this "me, me, me, my wedding, my day, everyone look at ME" crap. Just because you're getting married doesn't give you license to ignore the concerns and feelings of others.

Echowysp · November 2010

MSUMamaof2:
I'm throwing out a suggestion here that hasn't been brought up--is it possible that your children could stay with one of your friends/relatives (your parents, perhaps?) while you and DH go?
That being said, I've been where you are. When my younger sister married the first time (yeah, there's been more since then....), her husband was from Serbia and they married there. We decided not to attend because of finances, and we didn't even have children at the time. My sister needed to understand that if she chose to have her wedding on the other side of the world (and I understand their reasons completely), there were just going to be some of us who couldn't make it.
I'm from Michigan originally and DH is from Iowa. We opted for a midwest destination wedding in Galena, IL. There were some people who didn't come because of the travel issue and we were okay with that. It wasn't selfish of us to have it there, per se. It would have been selfish of us to expect everyone to come and pay for everything.
What would I do if I was you? I'd tell SIL no and let her pout. If she spends her lifetime b!tching about the fact that you weren't there, her loss. And lastly, I'm calling BS on the posters who think people can be selfish with their wedding plans and it's okay. People need to understand when they plan their wedding that their choices may have lifetime implications and consequences. I'm tired of this "me, me, me, my wedding, my day, everyone look at ME" crap. Just because you're getting married doesn't give you license to ignore the concerns and feelings of others.

But it *is* their wedding day. Everyone else gets their day, the way they chose it. If you felt like making plans to accommodate others, that's awesome. But you did that because... wait for it... *you wanted to do that one your day. No different from someone having an island wedding because that's how they wanted to do their day.

I got married in Michigan because that's where we are from. We had family come from Portland, Oregon. Should we have made the wedding in the middle of the country to accommodate them? Of course not, unless that's what we wanted. The ones who could make it, did. The ones who didn't, didn't. And no one whined about it.

MSUMamaof2 · November 2010

Echowysp:
MSUMamaof2:
I'm throwing out a suggestion here that hasn't been brought up--is it possible that your children could stay with one of your friends/relatives (your parents, perhaps?) while you and DH go?
That being said, I've been where you are. When my younger sister married the first time (yeah, there's been more since then....), her husband was from Serbia and they married there. We decided not to attend because of finances, and we didn't even have children at the time. My sister needed to understand that if she chose to have her wedding on the other side of the world (and I understand their reasons completely), there were just going to be some of us who couldn't make it.
I'm from Michigan originally and DH is from Iowa. We opted for a midwest destination wedding in Galena, IL. There were some people who didn't come because of the travel issue and we were okay with that. It wasn't selfish of us to have it there, per se. It would have been selfish of us to expect everyone to come and pay for everything.
What would I do if I was you? I'd tell SIL no and let her pout. If she spends her lifetime b!tching about the fact that you weren't there, her loss. And lastly, I'm calling BS on the posters who think people can be selfish with their wedding plans and it's okay. People need to understand when they plan their wedding that their choices may have lifetime implications and consequences. I'm tired of this "me, me, me, my wedding, my day, everyone look at ME" crap. Just because you're getting married doesn't give you license to ignore the concerns and feelings of others.
But it *is* their wedding day. Everyone else gets their day, the way they chose it. If you felt like making plans to accommodate others, that's awesome. But you did that because... wait for it... *you wanted to do that one your day. No different from someone having an island wedding because that's how they wanted to do their day.
I got married in Michigan because that's where we are from. We had family come from Portland, Oregon. Should we have made the wedding in the middle of the country to accommodate them? Of course not, unless that's what we wanted. The ones who could make it, did. The ones who didn't, didn't. And no one whined about it.

I see where you're going with that and I agree. Funny thing is, DH and I found Galena and chose to do it there. It was a bonus it was 1/2 way between our relatives. We honestly couldn't have cared less if anyone showed up but us at that point. We almost would have preferred to elope.

After re-reading, my post was confusing. Bride and Groom can make the decision to have their wedding anywhere--that's their decision. But they don't get to come back later and throw a fit when others don't go along with their plans--and personally, I think that means everyone. Parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, whoever. The selfishness I was referring to was brides and grooms being upset and taking it out on those who choose not to attend. You can make the decision, but understand that decision may come with the consequence that those whom you want to attend may not. If you're not okay with that, don't plan a destination wedding.

*KC*luvs*RJ* · November 2010

I completely agree and I had a destination wedding!

We wanted to get married in the Caribbean, but we new it would be extremely expensive for everyone so we decided to get married on Sand Key Beach, Florida instead. It was so much easier and cheaper for friends and family to fly into Tampa, and we got the soft while sand and turquoise water that we wanted.

Mommy2B_Hart · November 2010

OK, here's my 2 cents, and that's probably all it's worth.

Selfish is probably the wrong word. The bride is being what most brides are, unrealistic. The OP stated in a follow up response, that yes, her and her DH are expected to attend, and that the bride will indeed be upset and offended if both of them are not there, and that is where I think the selfishness comes into play. It is most definitely in the brides rights to choose a destination wedding, we were planning one when we eloped suddenly, due to my father's declining health we sped up the process. However, she can't expect you and your DH to be able to afford this trip, no matter how much "lead time" she gives you. Only the two of you know the financial burden it will put on your family, and whether or not you can handle it.

My advice is simple, tell her you love her, you're happy for her, and the last thing you want to do is offend her, but you can't attend. You will be with her in spirit, and sending her your best wishes, but from a distance. If she gets upset, that is her problem, not yours. And once the conversation is over, leave it alone. If you aren't the only person in the family that feels this way, and several others express the same sentiment, it is possible, she will change her mind, but if and when she does, don't rub it in her face, because it will be a bittersweet choice, she will in a sense, be giving up a piece of her dream. Understand that neither of you are right or wrong in this situation, you're merely looking at it from two very different perspectives.

*KC*luvs*RJ* · November 2010

Mommy2B_Hart:
OK, here's my 2 cents, and that's probably all it's worth.

Selfish is probably the wrong word. The bride is being what most brides are, unrealistic. The OP stated in a follow up response, that yes, her and her DH are expected to attend, and that the bride will indeed be upset and offended if both of them are not there, and that is where I think the selfishness comes into play. It is most definitely in the brides rights to choose a destination wedding, we were planning one when we eloped suddenly, due to my father's declining health we sped up the process. However, she can't expect you and your DH to be able to afford this trip, no matter how much "lead time" she gives you. Only the two of you know the financial burden it will put on your family, and whether or not you can handle it.

My advice is simple, tell her you love her, you're happy for her, and the last thing you want to do is offend her, but you can't attend. You will be with her in spirit, and sending her your best wishes, but from a distance. If she gets upset, that is her problem, not yours. And once the conversation is over, leave it alone. If you aren't the only person in the family that feels this way, and several others express the same sentiment, it is possible, she will change her mind, but if and when she does, don't rub it in her face, because it will be a bittersweet choice, she will in a sense, be giving up a piece of her dream. Understand that neither of you are right or wrong in this situation, you're merely looking at it from two very different perspectives.

This is said perfectly.

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