completely unfair holiday guilt...

pawcall · November 2010

Backstory:

I live (very) far away from my family. Mom lives in Florida and dad lives even farther south in the VI. And I'm a PA girl. I remind myself that it was my decision to move here (for college, almost 10 years ago), so I can't really be all that upset when I feel lonely and disconnected.

The problem:

Every time I talk to my mom about Christmas and what she wants (my husband drew her name in the family gift exchange), she gets all whiny and says that "all she wants is to be with all of her babies." And then silence.

I think this is completely unfair. Yes, I promised to spend this Christmas with MY family, since we spent last Christmas with DH's family, but I wasn't 9 mos pregnant at the time, nor did I know that I would be when Christmas 2010 rolled around. Trying to make me feel guilty about it just seems extremely unfair. What does she want me to say? I'm sorry that I got pregnant without any trouble, and that it didn't take us as long as we assumed it would? I'm sorry that I'm not flying down to Florida to spend the week with you when I'm 37 weeks pregnant?

The last time this happened, I told her flat out that I thought the guilt trip was unfair, that I obviously wanted to be with her too, but that at least we would get to see each other soon (since she plans to fly up here as soon as Aidan is born). Two days later, we're back to the same old guilt trip.

Bah.

Spazzy1 · November 2010

Not fair at all!!! I'm sorry that you are getting the guilt trip. Hopefully it will stop soon!

cherryghost · November 2010

You'd think she'd realize that the idea of travel does not sit well with you-not this late in the game. I'm sorry she's making you feel guilty, but she is coming in Jan, right? What's another couple weeks?

scarlet86 · November 2010

My mom is the same every year. She just always has something negative to say about it. This year she got lucky as I have to be in town cause of being so far along. But she still complains that it is unfair that I spend Christmas out there in Utah every year.

mishu917 · November 2010

cdobry01:

Backstory:

I live (very) far away from my family. Mom lives in Florida and dad lives even farther south in the VI. And I'm a PA girl. I remind myself that it was my decision to move here (for college, almost 10 years ago), so I can't really be all that upset when I feel lonely and disconnected.

The problem:

Every time I talk to my mom about Christmas and what she wants (my husband drew her name in the family gift exchange), she gets all whiny and says that "all she wants is to be with all of her babies." And then silence.

I think this is completely unfair. Yes, I promised to spend this Christmas with MY family, since we spent last Christmas with DH's family, but I wasn't 9 mos pregnant at the time, nor did I know that I would be when Christmas 2010 rolled around. Trying to make me feel guilty about it just seems extremely unfair. What does she want me to say? I'm sorry that I got pregnant without any trouble, and that it didn't take us as long as we assumed it would? I'm sorry that I'm not flying down to Florida to spend the week with you when I'm 37 weeks pregnant?

The last time this happened, I told her flat out that I thought the guilt trip was unfair, that I obviously wanted to be with her too, but that at least we would get to see each other soon (since she plans to fly up here as soon as Aidan is born). Two days later, we're back to the same old guilt trip.

Bah.

Don't feel guilty, she's your mom and I am sure she's not saying it to make you feel guilty. She's just saying it because that's her desire. You have the best reason to not visit her and she will feel better once she's here to see LO.

DH's Mom does the same crap, except it's called crap in her situation because she moved away from ALL of her family because she wanted to start a new life... and then she posts stuff on FB all the time (read: everyday) that she wants to see her boys and how they all live far away from her. What?? All of her family and boys (except DH) live within a 5 mile radius of each other!!! I have learned not to feel bad for her at all, because her family is awesome and all she has to do is move back there.

pawcall · November 2010

cherryghost:
You'd think she'd realize that the idea of travel does not sit well with you-not this late in the game. I'm sorry she's making you feel guilty, but she is coming in Jan, right? What's another couple weeks?

That's how I'm looking at it too. Plus, it's not like I ditched her for something better. I'm not exactly thrilled to be spending Christmas alone in our apartment. I have literally written myself a note in my planner to save a netflix or something on the DVR to watch on Christmas. I kid you not.

cherryghost · November 2010

You'll be fine. You can't please everyone so ya have to please yourself.

mishu917 · November 2010

cdobry01:

cherryghost:
You'd think she'd realize that the idea of travel does not sit well with you-not this late in the game. I'm sorry she's making you feel guilty, but she is coming in Jan, right? What's another couple weeks?

That's how I'm looking at it too. Plus, it's not like I ditched her for something better. I'm not exactly thrilled to be spending Christmas alone in our apartment. I have literally written myself a note in my planner to save a netflix or something on the DVR to watch on Christmas. I kid you not.

Honestly I think you will enjoy relaxing at home over the holidays. I think you mentioned that you will be working up until LO gets here, so the relaxation will be great for you!! Just remember to do some festive things for the holidays.

broccolitree · November 2010

My mom pulls this sometimes too... I live outside ATL, most of my family lives in Upstate NY. My MIL also lives nearby so it's frequently 'aww, why do you have to spend so much tiiime with your MIL?' I usually roll my eyes (this is totally audible over the phone) and tell her that MIL is happy to host her & dad whenever, given some notice, and if she really wants to see us (me), she can feel free to come visit.

That usually shuts her up. Though, I do usually post some new pictures or something on FB afterwards so she doesn't feel quite so left out.

Mrs.CFH2 · November 2010

Not to mention, most airlines won't let you fly after 37 weeks!!

NJBrit · November 2010

My mom gets like this too. I moved from Minnesota to NYC the minute I turned 18 and haven't turned back. I think part of her always expected that I'd come "home", but once I married someone who had children it kind of solidified the whole having to live out here and having to spend holidays out here. I've told her many times that she's welcome to come out here, but that there will never be an opportunity for us to visit Minnesota for the holidays. Plain and simple.

Honestly, Christmas was kinda always a drag for us anyway. When my parents got divorced I was shuffled from house to house, and we kinda pulled away from all of my extended family at that point. From around age 14 on Christmas was always about ordering Chinese food and having a pj day while watching old movies.

hot_tamale · November 2010

I don't know your mom, but is there a possibility she is just telling you she is bummed she won't see you and doesn't intend to guilt trip? I would think it's kind of natural to tell someone you love that you wish you could see them for the holidays. Without knowing if your mom actually is intending to influence your behavior, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I tell my siblings who I love that I wish I could see them for the holidays even when I know it isn't possible. There is no intended guilt trip there. Just expressing a feeling.

pawcall · November 2010

hot_tamale:
I don't know your mom, but is there a possibility she is just telling you she is bummed she won't see you and doesn't intend to guilt trip? I would think it's kind of natural to tell someone you love that you wish you could see them for the holidays. Without knowing if your mom actually is intending to influence your behavior, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I tell my siblings who I love that I wish I could see them for the holidays even when I know it isn't possible. There is no intended guilt trip there. Just expressing a feeling.

I'm sure she probably doesn't mean to make me feel guilty - but telling me the same thing over and over and over, when that thing is just "how upset she is that I'm not coming" makes me feel just awful. Once or twice, sure, she's just telling me how she feels - but after hearing it at least a dozen times, I feel like a total jerk for not going, even though there's really nothing I can do about it and my doctor and airline wouldn't let me fly at 37+ weeks anyway.

NoemiJ · November 2010

You're going to have to learn to let this kind of thing slide, especially with LO coming. I had to learn to do this practically as soon as I got married because my husband's family lives overseas (and I swear the cord connecting him to his mother was only cut when he moved here) so there will always be a set of parents that will be unhappy with our decision regarding where to spend the holidays. I think the unintentional guilt trips coming from his mom will get worse when the baby is born.

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