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Parenting after 35
Nicholas Jacob born on 06/30/2009, 9.5lbs and 21 1/4" long
Joshua Scott 5.3lbs & Jonathan Matthew 6.2lbs, born 08/31/10
My DH is a DB !
There, I said it!
Me: "I'm seriously thinking about taking this job."
DH: "All I can say is that if you wanted a career, you shouldn't have had children!"
Me: 
and in utter annoyance, "If I wanted a life, then maybe I shouldn't have married you either!"
DH: silence
I am utterly heartbroken and beyond pi$$ed! I can't believe he would even say this after all I do for him. I am the one who is sacrificing my family life to get us out of this 300K debt you foolishly put us in, you DB! and this is what you say to me???
Up until a few days ago he was all *** dorey about me having this new job in Tampa and excited about the money I would bring in. I guess he finally figured out that I wasn't going to be home to cook, clean and serve him! dumba$$ !!
Nicholas Jacob born on 06/30/2009, 9.5lbs and 21 1/4" long
Joshua Scott 5.3lbs & Jonathan Matthew 6.2lbs, born 08/31/10
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My DH is a DB !
click the pic (blog)
Holy sh!t! What a thing to say!
Tampa's only 4 hours away from where you are now. Maybe he's just panicking when being faced with the reality of it.
((HUGS)) Oh, I don't know about that
... I mean, yes, it was a DB thing to say, but I bet (am hoping) he just realized the enormity of you leaving with the kids, how huge a thing it is for you and how lonely he will find himself. Possibly he even realized how brave and confident you are that you are even considering taking on such a task. You are proving to be Supermom - PROVING it. I am sure he would NOT be willing to take the kids, move to a new location and take on a huge new job BY HIMSELF. He may feel inadequate by comparison. I think having you be the breadwinner may seem or even be great to him, but I think most people, but esp. men, take some time to adjust to it and the impact it has on how they see themselves.
Men can get by on very spartan surroundings. I imagine that if you take most of the household with you (i.e. you sell/rent you home out) you could leave him with a lazyboy, a tv and a toilet and be in hog heaven. Cleaning won't be much of an issue and he will go out to eat - and tell you it's impractical to have groceries beyond cereal, beer and prepared hoagies since he is with you guys for 3 to 4 days a week. He would probably bring in a housekeeper once a week if he hated a messy house, but refused/doesnt' clean. He may even bring his laundry to be done (once anyway, but a swift kick to the jimmies will cure that) with him over the weekend, esp. if you take the washer/dryer.
Or... he could be a DB.. Either way - you rock.
*ETA* He may have been very excited and even bragged to his coworkers/friends and gotten a negative reaction (such as, "I would never want my spouse do XYZ because) or even "your wife is amazing to do that" (which isn't negative, but sometimes people take strong compliments to others as hits to themselves, esp. if its a sensative area for them)comments to the point that it sent him into a tizzy. I only say that since he did such an about face.
Ouch...
Is he willing to be a stay at home Dad?
In the long run, taking the job in Tampa sounds like it would be good for you, the boys and your finances.
Wow....that's pretty harsh.
I'm so sorry, hon - I think you're right. I don't think he said that because he means it (gawd, I hope not...), but because reality is starting to settle in and it scares him and makes him sad, too I'm sure.
I'm really proud of you that you've been offered this awesome job! There are so many times I see men at my job get promotions and move their families for THEIR career. And that's great - they are in a position to take care of their families. Well, now YOU are in a position to take care of your family. Sounds like he's deflecting some of his own feelings of guilt perhaps? Maybe change scares him? I mean - he's lived there his entire life (as have you). Whatever is up his butt, I sure hope he pulls it out soon!
Big Tampa Bay hugs coming your way!!
OMG, Bea! What a jerk thing to say!
Sounds like his ego's taken a hit as well, and he's taking it out on you. Blearggh.
ETA: Errr, "hit."
This. Totally this.
I'm so sorry Bea!
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Is the 300K debt a mortgage, student loan or credit card debt? Just wondering.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here and hope you don't hate me
The truth is it's really hard or impossible to have it all. You can't have 3 young children and a husband and also expect to have a full career (in another city at that!) and give it your 110% percent. It's just not possible or if you try to live up to that huge expectation of being superwoman, something is going to give.
I think your husband is frustrated and he thinks that you going to Tampa with a toddler and 2 newborns is nuts. Personally, I think it's insane. If it were just Nicholas, that's one thing... but N and newborn twins? I don't know, but even though your DH didn't use the right words, he's thinking you can't have 3 kids and suddenly expect your career to be like it was before. Then when you told him if you wanted a life you shouldn't have married him, well, that's equally harsh and he's thinking you regret marrying him and think of him as a liability. I think he was hurt by your comment as much or maybe more than you were hurt by his. I mean, you just told him basically it was a mistake to marry him!
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but I'm just giving you a non-biased opinion based on what you just wrote. I think the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Good luck, it's a tough situation.
I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he is just overwhelmed with having three kids and you living so far away.
Please let us know if he came to his senses.
It's a debt on various things, CC's, a few parcels of land he purchased, a rental house in Loxahatchee that he let go (after I begged him to sell it when the bubble was at it's highest, he told me he would rather rent it out again) the bubble burst, the renter lost his job, it took us months to evict him for non-payment, DH couldn't pay the mortgage and it went downhill from there. The house was worth over 500K, now it's worth 120K at best and we're in foreclosure.
I appreciate your comments, I truly do and I can see the other point as well. He's been asking me to find a job as he cannot handle all the expenses. He complains all the time about that. I found a great paying one, unfortunately it's 4hrs away. It's basically a 9-5 job that is offering me a boat load of money to do what I do best, "career" or not, it's an easy job. I would be working the same hours whether it was a 45K job here in Ft Laud. The only difference is that i'd only see my DH Fri to Sun, which quite frankly is about the same I see him now anyways. It's not the first time he's made a "comment" like this to me, he can be quite vicious sometimes, nothing like verbal abuse, just bad timing with inexcusable and harsh comments.....and of course my comment wasn't any better, but i'm also sick of being attacked all the time. It's obvious we're having issues and i'm sick of his lazy, selfish ways. At this moment, i am truly miserable and have been for a while (I hide it well, as i'm truly an extremely happy person), this is also why i was shocked and upset to find out i was pregnant again. I was upset to bring more kids into the picture during this time of uncertainty. All my boys are angels and I love then dearly, but i will not live the rest of my life with someone who makes me this unhappy. I just can't...
Oh Bea, I'm really sorry your husband is not making you happy. It's not cool that he says harsh comments all the time, that doesn't help the situation at all. Sounds like that huge debt is weighing heavy on your marriage. You might have to talk to a financial counselor to see what's the best way to deal with that. We too have a Florida condo going thru short sale right now. We have had one seller back out at the end and another one that hopefully will sign in December. It's under my name and we have not paid mortgage since February. If the second seller backs out it might very well end up foreclosed upon. We bought it in '05 for $193K and it's worth $61K now. The real estate catastrophe has affected many lives so you're not alone in this. It really wasn't your DH's fault that he didn't sell when the market was high, if only we had a crystal ball! But that doesn't excuse his bad attitude.
Bottom line, you both need to work as a team to get out of that mess together. Divorce would just make things worse so I hope you can find a way to make peace with each other. Good luck and we're here for you
Bea, I am so sorry things are so hard. I hope things get better. Debt - well omeny issues in general - are so hard on a marriage. As are babies and children.
Just remember that you are in the middle of a big 'ole sh*t storm right now where every issue is heightened and I am sure your coping skills are being taxed to the limit on every front (mine would be anyway). And just because your boys are stressing your marriage doesn't imply that you don't adore, love and cherish them - no one would think that. I just wanted to throw that out there.
You do deserve to be happy.
Is your husband afraid that if you have a significant time away from him you'll see him as the problem (whether he is or not) because you are happier away from his DebbieDowner-ness? That might make him feel very insecure and could that be why he is vicious/hateful sometimes?
Oh, sweetie! I am so sorry you're feeling miserable!
How are you doing PPD-wise? With all the poop flying around I can't imagine your hormones are helping...
I wish I had words of advice, I still think you are super mom (super heroes have tough days too)- working or not! It is so hard having three little ones with no support.. I just hope you guys can figure out a way to make it work.