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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
johnnys june
member
New Here as well...
johnnys june
member
I've been stalking this forum for a couple of days, but wasn't sure when/if/how I should post. In 3 weeks I've gone from the February 2011 board, to the Preemie board, to now this one. My heart is broken, and most days I can barely breathe. My mind has yet to catch up from the events that have unfolded. Here's my story, the short version...
3 weeks ago today I went to Labor and delivery triage as a precaution b/c I was having weird pressure. They immediately diagnosed me with 1 to 2 min. contraction and a short cervix. I was transferred to the specialty hospital where they considered a cerclage but I was too far along, so I was given + weeks of hospital bed rest. 3 days later I went into full labor inspite of the meds to control contractions. I was breech, rushed to the OR and had an emergency c-section. My beautiful baby boy was born on October 28th, 2010 at 11:50 PM, 1 lb 8 oz, at 25 weeks and 2 days. What I thought was going to be weeks of hospital bedrest was now going to be weeks, months, of the NICU roller coaster. My baby boy, Logan, had always had a strong heartbeat, so we were hopeful. He had 6 great days in a row with only minimal changes in vents and insulin which was to be expected. He did have a small murmur but the meds seemed to help and it didn't affect his heartbeat at all. Then day 7...our "bad day" the NICU nurses tell you about happened. We received a phone call at 3:30 AM that Logan had a perforated bowel with contents leaking into his abdomen, so they needed to perform an emergency surgery to place a tube in to drain it. I was terrified, and felt so guilty for not having been there when this all happened. When I finally saw him later that morning, my beautiful baby boy was all swollen, his abdomen puffed out, blue. He looked so vulnerable. My heart broke into a million pieces for him. He was now on blood transfusions, had 5 different IV's, 3 antibiotics for 2 infections he had developed, on top of the regular meds for preemies his age. My husband and I sat by his bedside all day. I wouldn't leave for anything! Finally the evening shift change came, and the nurse kindly asked me and my husband and leave for the hour, get something to eat, then return. So we did. We were gone 15 minutes before the call came from the NICU telling us we needed to get up there asap. When we arrived back up there, there were nurses and doctor's everywhere, alarms were going off, and I couldn't see anything other than the top of my son's incubator. A doctor met us at the door and informed us Logan was coding. They were able to give him an epi for his heart, but his blood pressure was dangerously low. They wanted us to consider a DNR b/c Logan was so sick. The doctor prepared us for the heart rate drop that would most likely occur after the epi wore off in 30 to 45 minutes. Completely dazed and confused, I couldn't do anything but cry, cling to my husband, and stroke my baby's skin. I hadn't even held him yet....45 min. passed, then an hour, then 12 hours. We spent 12 hours waiting for him to pass, preparing for that "any moment", saying our goodbyes, singing to him, reading to him. My family even drove down from NC (10 hours) and was able to come in. We took turns holding him in our hands in the incubator, and stroking him, telling him it was ok to go. But he didn't. Finally, my husband and I called the doctor's in. We were prepared to make a decision that no parent should ever have to make. We couldn't stand seeing him like that and we wanted to know if the machines were the only thing keeping him alive. The doctor's said no, that was HIS heartbeat, not the machines. He was on several meds for his blood pressure which was dangerously low, and his stats were low but maintaining. The drain in his abdomen was working, but he had developed yet another infection. It was also the day they were scheduled to do an ultrasound on the brain to see if there were any clots or bleeding, which is a routine thing for all preemies. The doctor's told us not to give up, that they weren't giving up just yet, and that Logan had a 10 to 20% chance of full recovery. Low, but hopeful. He sat by his bedside and prayed, and sang, and read to him again. In moments we had gone from letting him go to hoping again. My baby boy was fighting, and fighting hard, against all odds. This lasted for two days. They found a bleed in his head, but due to how sick he was they couldn't be concerned with it at the moment. It didn't look as if it was a continuous bleed, and there was no pressure on the his brain. We finally went home after being there for almost 48 hours straight. We hadn't slept and barely ate, and his stats were steady. The nurses and doctor's recommended we take a break from the NICU for the night and return in the morning. At 7:30 the next morning I received that phone call....Logan's stats had been dropping slowly. They finally had to give him another epi to keep his heartrate up so that we could get there. He wasn't going to be with us much longer, and we lived 40 minutes from the hospital. When my husband and I arrived we immediately surrounded Logan's bed. His heartrate was up, but we were quickly informed that he had been given a second dose of epi 5 minutes before we got there, literally so that we could be there. My baby boy was still fighting, but he was so tiny, and his body was so tired. The doctor's came in to let us know what was going on. His bp has never come up, and on top of that, a second ultrasound revealed that his small hemorage in the brain had advanced to a stage 4. This was it, my baby boy was going to die. We stood by his bedside talking to him while his heart rate dropped slowly. We waited until it got below 70 to have the nurses move him so that I could hold him...for the first and last time. I didn't want him to suffer, and they assured me he was on pain meds. They moved a chair by his bed side, propped my feet up and set the chair up to accommodate all the wires, vents, IV's, meds, ect. They swaddled him to cover as much as the wires as they could and to keep him warm, then they placed him in my arms. By then his heart rate was in the 50's. But even then, as they place him in my arms, his eyes (that has been fused for the majority of his NICU stay) opened slightly. He was looking directly at me. It only lasted for seconds, but his eyes hadn't opened in 2 days. My husband by my side, I cuddled, kissed, sang, and rocked my baby boy. My husband was able to hold his hand, stroke his head, and kiss him. We cried together, smiled, and made sure Logan knew how proud of him we were and that he wasn't alone. His heart rate was so low by then that we fully expected him to go within 20 minutes. An hour passed. His heart rate sat at 38-40 for almost an hour. We kept telling him it was ok, that we didn't want to see him like this, that we love him. Finally my husband looked at me and said "I wonder if he sacrificed himself to save you...maybe something would have gone wrong..." Nothing else made sense b/c I didn't have a short cervix 4 weeks prior at my 3d ultrasound. Quite literally, Logan kicked his way out. He was always kicking low and when the specialist did a second ultrasound in the hospital, even then his foot was kicking in the open area of my cervix... I replied to my husband "Maybe he did it to save us..." 10 minutes later my baby boy became an angel. He died in my arms.
Now I'm here. Living moment to moment. We had the memorial service this past Friday. I am so blessed to have had the time that I did with my beautiful son. He's our little hero, and has been since the womb. We even designed his nursery around Firetrucks and firefighter stuff.
But I'm still so lost...I have an empty womb that should have been full to February 8th, and I have empty arms. It doesn't help that my milk came in strong, and I pumped and stored it for him until the day he passed. I'm having to heal my body from the c-section, and try to find some healing for the broken heart I now have.
My son was beautiful, strong, and passionate with what little life he had...I will never forget that. I don't mourn for him, he is in a better place. A safe, innocent, perfect place. But I'm sad, hurting, and broken hearted for myself. I miss him so much, and some mornings I can barely breathe when I wake up...
Thanks for listening. It's atleast comforting to know there is a place I can come where someone, lots of someone's, understand the depths of my hurt, the reasons for my tears, and the day to day struggle to function!
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Re: New Here as well...
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through at this moment. It sounds like you and your husband are going to help each other get through this time in your lives.
Take care of yourself. ((hugs))
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was supposed to be a February mom too...
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
July 2007 m/c 6 weeks
November 2010 m/c 7 weeks 1 day
MTHFR (Compound hetero with copies of A & C)
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Big hugs to you and your family.
IVF #1 = BFN
FET #1 = BFN
FET #2 = BFN
IVF #2 = BFP, b/g twins lost at 20w due to partial abruption/PPROM
IVF #3 = c/p 5w2d
Long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle before next IVF = BFP, our beautiful, healthy girl born 6/26/13!
~~
TTC again March 2014
FET #3 - May/June 2014 - all embryos arrested before xfer - back to the drawing board...
IVF #4 - July/August 2014