I feel like a horrible parent! :(

bellasmom27 · October 2010

Hey guys, I just wanted to ask any of you if you smack your 2 year old when they misbehave? My daughter is a very good 2 year old most of the time and rarely misbehaves. She really isn't your typical tantrum throwing, misbehaving 2 year old, and on most occasions we discipline her by putting her on time out, and she listens. Ofcourse she'll cry but after words I ask her if she done and she'll stop crying and say yes. On RARE occasions she'll start screaming when she wants something or she fights me by screaming when she doesnt want to go to bed. I tell her first that she needs to go to bed (she's been on a schedule since 3 months old) so shes very much aware of her daily routines and has no problem walking to her room to lay down to bed. Anyhow, but at times she chooses not to listen and throws a hissy fit. I tell her to relax or mommy is gonna smack you, and only way she'll stop completely is if i smack her on the legs or the butt 3-4 times. She'll then stop immediately and goes to bed w/o a sound or she'll stop asking for what she cannot have after screaming for it. Am I the only one that does this? I don't want her to end up hating me for it but between me and daddy I am the disciplinary one and she only listens to me. Daddy talks firm with her when need to but he'd never lay a hand on her nor will he ever which is a good thing but i feel like im the bad parent.

scott&kim · October 2010

You are opening a can of worms on this board posing a question like this - most will flame you.

We do use a swat periodically on our DD but only as a last resort. We redirect, use time out, etc but there are times when she has gotten a swat on the bottom. I don't think this makes us terrible parents and there is a significant difference in spanking a child and abuse. For some kids a spanking would not help the situation.

JMay · October 2010

I will not flame you, but I will say that I do not smack my child, and I do not believe it is the best way to parent.

I understand the urge, please don't misunderstand. There have been times when I have been beyond frustrated, at my wits end, and I have at those times considered whether or not a smack would improve the situation. Ultimately though, my brain takes over my basic human instinct and I choose another path, even if it means I have to walk away for a minute. The last thing you want to do is get into a power struggle with your 2 year old.

The thing is, there are much more effective methods of parenting in difficult situations than to resort to physical violence (a smack). And who doesn't want to be more effective? It's not that you are a bad parent, as I can only assume you posted here to see what you could learn. I also assume that you want your DC to grow up to be a kind, respectful child with whom you have a good relationship. I believe that having a good relationship with a child can only come through respect, not fear. Fear, and resentment, may come of the current method. (That's not to say you shouldn't discipline - you SHOULD, but finding a respectful and effective way to do it will yeild the best results for you and DC)

I think that coming here is a good thing, because hopefully, you will get some good advice (not flames) on a better way. Also, check out the library for books on positive discipline, search the internet for articles.

I recm'd this book: https://tinyurl.com/232sc9d
It's called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan, PhD. Your library should have it - I found it very helpful with my DC.

Here are a few internet articles too, to get you started: https://askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Remember two things - first, changing will take practice. It will be difficult for you to change at first, and your DC might take a while to come around, but it will be worth it - when she's 8, or 18, you'll be grateful. Second, if you don't do any further reading, please remember that it is important to act with intention, not just react.

I wish you the best in your journey to becoming the best parent you can be. GL.

bellasmom27 · October 2010

JMay, thanks for your input but just for a little background about myself, I am an educated mother and college graduate and I have studied child psychology and I do understand what is going on in a child's brain at the age of 2 and that they do what they do because their synapsis are going a mile a minute and they have no control of how to react. I can differentiate that instance and that my daughter clearly understands the rules and she tries to test me by acting up at times. I don't smack her in a way thats abusive cause I would never abuse my child and she is very bright for a 2 year old and she understands what I tell her and replies back when I ask her why she does what she does and why she feels the need to throw a tantrum but you;re right at times, especially at 3-4 am I really don't want to stay up with her and reason, and redirect with her other options for her to stop crying when she runs to mommys room bc she all of a sudden wants a cup of milk or wants something in the middle of the night. If she has a mightmare and runs to mommy, or she accidently wet the bed which she hasnt done in months now, is a different story but again she knows if i mention a smack on the butt she immediately stops misbehaving so she knows better. I would never abuse my child or beat her and even after i smack her on the butt which is not often at all, i ask her if she knows why mommy did that and she says YES and she tells me why, so its not like shes a little baby bc she's a smart girl. I also never react on impulse at all..I'm sure I can find other ways to have her behave when she "tries" me but I also know that im pretty sure that at least more then half of the people that have read my post have smacked their toddler on the butt I just wanted to share with you guys bc although I do it doesnt mean I like it or enjoy it, shes my little girl and I just mean well that's all..But I really do appreiciate the sites and your input, thanks again. Also it could also be hormonal and my mood flutuates greatly being pregnant with twins and all..

kada626 · October 2010

No, we don't smack/spank our girls. I'm suprised so many people still do these with all the research out there. If you feel like a horrible parent do something to change it.

ctbride08 · October 2010

kada626:

No, we don't smack/spank our girls. I'm suprised so many people still do these with all the research out there. If you feel like a horrible parent do something to change it.

Ditto. You know in your heart what is and is not good parenting. If it feels wrong, it is.

mrstarawalsh · October 2010

I don't smack my child for that. If he is refusing to go to bed I let him have the choice: either go to bed on your own or I will carry you there. Then I give him a few miniutes to choose. If I carry him there I then ignore the ensuing tantrum and walk out of the room. Without an audience he normally stops within a few miniutes. In the middle of the night I do the same thing unless he has a reasonable request (a glass of milk, imo, is a reasonable request... i sometimes like a drink at night too!)

st.lucia bride · October 2010

You should probably look into different parenting methods. You feel horrible about hitting your child because it kind of is a horrible thing to do. How would you feel if your husband wanted you to do something and you didn't want to do it so he said, I'm going to smack you if you don't do it. He then proceeded to smack you three or four times, even just gently. What would you learn from that? I'd learn that my husband was an abusive asshat and I'd lose all respect for him.

MrsAmers · October 2010

If this is making you feel like a horrible parent then choose a different method. There are plenty of ways to discipline that do not involve hitting. There are lots of resources online and at the library about positive discipline methods. Parenting a 2 year old is not easy (and truthfully 3 is harder), but it is possible to raise a child without hitting, spanking or swatting them.

One of the primary reasons that we don't hit our child is because we tell her it is wrong to hit us, to hit her friends or to hit her brother.

What are you going to say to your daughter when she swats her twin siblings because they aren't behaving?

rofl · October 2010

Your an educated woman in child psychology but you still smack her? You need to read love and logic for parenting. All you are teaching her is to hit someone when they are not doing what she wants.

jlw2505 · November 2010

Hitting it hitting no matter what you call it and saying you smack your child makes me cringe and think nothing positive. Hitting your child will not teach her to respect or listen to you, it will only teach her that hitting as a last resort is totally fine and normal which it is not. Try reading some parenting books such as 1 2 3 magic or love and logic and come up with better ways to discipline. Your DH has it right by the way. There are a million better ways to parent than hitting your child. YOur child does not learn how to behave or how to act in any situation when you hit.

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