MIL at the Gender Ultrasound? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

MIL at the Gender Ultrasound?

I'm not sold on the idea honestly.

That aside, she just asked DH today (out of the blue) while they were at work if she could come to the ultrasound on Wednesday. I'd personally like this to be just me and DH just like at the eleven week ultrasound because I feel it's something for us as first-time parents to experience on our own without someone commenting over our shoulders about whatever comes to mind. (she doesn't censor her thoughts much and it's caused issues in the past.) I'm just a very private person when it comes to things like this and I'm not comfortable with her being there. On top of it all, how do I tell her I'm not comfortable with other people being there? She's a major guilt-tripper and knows how to push your buttons and make you feel like crap about a situation when you shouldn't have to feel bad. I just want this to be for DH and I. Is that so bad?

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Re: MIL at the Gender Ultrasound?

  • I do not want anyone but my husband present at the anatomy scan.

    And I would tell anyone who asks exactly that.

    UseTheTriforce94
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  • Just say you want it to be a private moment for you and DH. That's how I felt about out 1st 2 ultrasounds. The first was the first time seeing our baby, and then the anatamoy was when we found out the sex, and I wanted that to be a moment between DH and I only. With DS we did a 4D u/s, so we invited a few family members and some friends to that. If we do a 4D this time around, we will invite a few others as well.

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  • Just tell her there isn't enough space for her in the ultrasound room.  I know that the lab room I was in for my ultrasound was just big enough for DH, me, and the ultrasound tech.  Even one more person would have made it too crowded.  Plus, it's a nice experience for just you and your DH to have together.  Have your DH tell her she can't come and don't let her guilt trips worry you.  GL!!
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  • Well you better get used to the guilt trips now.  This is will not end with the ultrasound, next  it will be who is in the delivery room, who will be staying with you once the baby is born to where you guys will be on Christmas morning.  You need to nip this in the bud NOW and not later because, trust me, the more you let her get her way through guilt tripping, the harder it will be to put your foot down. 

    Just tell her that you BOTH want it to be just the two of you at the ultrasound.  If she gets upset, so be it. It's not the end of the world if she gets upset. Again this is just the first thing in a long line of your MIL being upset.

    Also with the guilt trips, as long as you know you are not in the wrong, the guilt trips can't work. 

    UseTheTriforce94
  • imagekmh2201:
    Just tell her there isn't enough space for her in the ultrasound room.  I know that the lab room I was in for my ultrasound was just big enough for DH, me, and the ultrasound tech.  Even one more person would have made it too crowded.  Plus, it's a nice experience for just you and your DH to have together.  Have your DH tell her she can't come and don't let her guilt trips worry you.  GL!!

    I'd thought about that, but her daughter used the same Nurse-Midwife that I've got, so I'm sure she's seen the rooms... pooh.

  • People sometimes forget in their excitement that the anatomy scan is first and foremost a medical diagnostic tool -- of the baby, mostly, but also of the mother. I would not want my MIL privy to certain discussions about my cervix, placenta, what-have-you. If you don't feel comfortable having her there, you have every right to say no -- just have your husband break the news.
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  • This is our 3rd baby and the only people in the room with me for ultrasounds are DH and our older children. It's an intimate family moment that you are not obligated to share.

    Make copies of a good profile picture and frame them for the grandparents. 

    This might be a good time to tell her she's not invited to the delivery room either, if thats your plan. 
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  • On my paperwork, it said we can only have two people there. Myself and DH, that's it. I would tell her that if you don't want to just tell her no.
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  • Don't say yes!! Then it will be an open invitation to all private matters... okay that might not be true, but it would be with my mom.

      BF tried to invite his Grandma to come along since we haven't seen her in awhile... that was nixed. I just told him it's a special moment for us and what if there is something wrong... I would rather deal with that without having to have additional opinions or reactions there.

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  • imageambrandau2:

    I do not want anyone but my husband present at the anatomy scan.

    And I would tell anyone who asks exactly that.

    ditto this!  Be straight forward and tell her.  If she tries to guilt trip you, then just walk away or hang up the phone!

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  • She wasn't there when you made the baby! :) That's my mom's theory about over zealous moms and MILs! And yes, my mom is completely nuts. 
  • Like the PP said, it's primarily a medical ultrasound. It's not a fun-only ultrasound strictly to find out the gender... finding out is a side benefit.

    At the anatomy scan, God forbid something is found, you're not going to want the grandmothers there. Our ultrasound tech found that the umbilical cord was missing an artery... not necessarily a serious problem, but I can't imagine if MIL or even my mom was there. Both were worried and overbearing enough when we mentioned it afterward, they would have been unbearable at the appointment. God forbid there's a heart defect, or a marker for Downs, or anything out of the ordinary. It's your medical news for you and your husband to know.

    If you want to include any other family members in an ultrasound, I'd do an elective 3D/4D ultrasound later in the pregnancy and invite them then. Those are for fun. Not the anatomy scan.

    STM due Feb. 2017!
  • you tell her that they don't allow extra people in the room.
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  • imageearth_child_101:

    imagekmh2201:
    Just tell her there isn't enough space for her in the ultrasound room.  I know that the lab room I was in for my ultrasound was just big enough for DH, me, and the ultrasound tech.  Even one more person would have made it too crowded.  Plus, it's a nice experience for just you and your DH to have together.  Have your DH tell her she can't come and don't let her guilt trips worry you.  GL!!

    I'd thought about that, but her daughter used the same Nurse-Midwife that I've got, so I'm sure she's seen the rooms... pooh.

    I still say you should tell her outright that it is something you want to experience just the two of you.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Nothing at all.  If she tries to guilt trip you, well it is without merit.  YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.  What you want is totally reasonable. 

    Now I realize she might get upset if you tell her "No," but so what.  Really what is the worst that can happen if she gets upset.  Will the world explode?  Will it stop spinning on its axis?  No, of course not.  All that will happen is that your MIL will have herself a little temper tantrum, and she will get over it.  She really will.  Parents and especially ILs can be a lot like toddlers.  They throw temper tantrums to get what they want, whether it is candy in the candy aisle or to be a part of this intimate moment that are only for the two of you.  Just like a toddler, they have to learn that throwing a temper tantrum will not give them their way.  Because what happens when we give into temper tantrums?  You guessed it, they keep throwing them.  Hey, why would they stop?  It gets them what the want. 

    So again, if she gets upset,  just let her. 

  • Tell her no- that you want it to be only DH there with you. If you don't learn to start telling her no now, the next 18 years are going to be hell.
  • I totally agree. I wanted it to be just me and my husband...however, my MIL is crazy and wants to be in the delivery room so we invited her to anatomy scan so maybe we would get points for that and she wouldn't be as mad when we said no to the delivery room....she lives in another state and wound up not being able to make it, but we hope we still get "credit" for offering!

     

    Good luck!! 

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  • I know my ultra sound tech gives us a dvd of the appointment to take home with us.  You should ask if your office does this, and if so tell her that as soon as your appointment is over you will be right over to show her the dvd.

  • aehm, no. no. and no. Thank you very much. Thats between us. BTW: the same is true for the delivery room.
  • It's not her baby.  You and your H make these decisions.  Let her guilt trip all she wants.  If you don't want her there, that is it. 

    It will be only H and I at our appointment Monday.

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  • I'm going to invite my MIL to be there at this one. However, this is my last baby and she's never been to one (yet). We're not close, but I don't mind her being there this time (I think).

    Bottom line is that you have to do what's right for you. She just can't invite herself along and she's going to have to get over it.

  • imagestw_77:

    Well you better get used to the guilt trips now.  This is will not end with the ultrasound, next  it will be who is in the delivery room, who will be staying with you once the baby is born to where you guys will be on Christmas morning.  You need to nip this in the bud NOW and not later because, trust me, the more you let her get her way through guilt tripping, the harder it will be to put your foot down. 

    Just tell her that you BOTH want it to be just the two of you at the ultrasound.  If she gets upset, so be it. It's not the end of the world if she gets upset. Again this is just the first thing in a long line of your MIL being upset.

    Also with the guilt trips, as long as you know you are not in the wrong, the guilt trips can't work. 

    This. It will only get worse once the child gets here if you don't put your foot down.

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  • It boggles my mind the lack of backbone that some of you ladies possess (OP, I'm looking at YOU).  Just tell your MIL that it's private moment.  TA DA!!!

     

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  • I usually just lurk on this board but this topic really bugs me. It's totally fine if you and your husband want other people there. It is not okay if someone asks or expects to be included in something so private just because they're the grandparents/aunt/etc. Being made to feel guilty about your body and your baby is ridiculous. No one was there when you made the baby, no one should be there for any part of u/s, delivery, labor (again, unless you ask).

     

    With that being said, I did have my MIL at my anatomy scan. My H was supposed to be out of town. He ended up not going but I still asked my MIL to be there. We have a great relationship and I was happy to share that with her. We found out the sex early otherwise she wouldn't have been there. But I asked her. She didn't ask me. And really when she found out my H was going to be home, she just assumed she wasn't coming.

     

    Being up front and honest is always the best decision when it comes to these things. Otherwise, you end up upset and not happy. Sorry so long!

     

     

  • Be up front but maybe offer to meet her for lunch after so she feels like she is one of the first to know. Just a thought!
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  • Mine asked if she could be in the delivery room?  Thankfully, I wasn't around when she asked.  I am having my mother in there with us but she's my mother, not a woman I'm not emotionally connected to.  And I certainly don't want to have my body exposed to her.
  • I had an ex who tried to push this kind of thing around, too. He was very guilt-trippy about how his mother should get to be in the delivery room and all this. I finally just made it very clear to him that there would be NO ONE in that room (if we had ever even stayed together long enough for it to be an issue) other than the hospital staff, myself, and him.

     

    If anyone were to ask me now, it'd be the same. My roommate was going to go with me to the anatomy scan if my husband had not been able to get out of work, but that was just so I would have someone to share the moment with. As soon as we found out that he was not scheduled that day, she said she would not be coming, and that it was something for us. If she had tried to go anyway, I would have told her that my husband was the one to be there if he could be, not her.

     

    It's really as simple as that. No matter how much anyone wants to guilt-trip you, or anything else of the sort, this is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR little one coming into the world, and YOUR decision. If you want it to just be you and your husband, then tell her just that. She can see the pictures when it's over. And, if that's not good enough for her, too bad. If she wins this one, she'll keep pushing other things later on. Don't let it reach that point.

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  • I didn't feel comfortable having my MIL come to our ultrasound yesterday.  I told her NO.  She still has not talked to me :( but I am sure she will understand.  I did send her the 3D images the sonographer took last night, since they saved all the images on a CD for me. I hope that makes her more excited, with out ACTUALLY being in the room seeing it live.  I did have my mom come, but come on now SHE IS MY MOM!!  I am at the point where being pregnant gives me an excuse to make bold, rash and honest decisions.  I can always blame the hormones!!  

    Good Luck, maybe you can have the ultrasound sonographer make extra copies of your little one and you can give them to your MIL in a brag book or something!!

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  • The only way to respond to people who use guilt as a tactic is to be honest with them and stick to your guns.  Tell her that you and DH have decided that this should be a private moment for your growing family and that she'll be the first person you call when you're done.

     

    This is likely to be the first of many guilt trips regarding this baby so I would get used to putting my foot down now.

  • i would say no to the MIL.It should be something between you and your husband. She wasn't present when the gender was determined and shouldn't be when you find out. No matter how close you may be with her... it's something the two of you should share and bond over (IMHO)

    Just tell her that you plan on making it a surprise and letting the family know in a "special" way - pink or blue cupcakes - something like that.

  • Will the Ultra Sound Tech give a dvd of the U.S.? My Dr.'s Office did this and then we let our family watch it...however if this is not an option you can always see what the office policies are some offices will only let 1 or two people in anyways.
  • I agree with this completely.  You need to let your decisions be your own, and not influenced by her.  Stick together as a couple and stand your ground.  Your pregnancy will be unbelievable and it is a wonderful time to get closer with your partner.  She should definitely understand both of your feelings on this.  It is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR baby.  You will make the decisions that are right for your family.  There is no way on Earth I would let someone spoil that moment for me.
  • I agree with most others. I understand that you are hesitant to just outright tell her no, but there is a nice way to do it and I truly believe it's best to just be honest about your feelings. In the long-run, she'll respect you more for it. 

     And you'll probably get some pictures of baby from the ultrasound, so you could tell her that you'll share those with her right away, which will hopefully make her feel better about it all.

  • I did not want anyone but DH and I to be at the ultrasound when we'd find out her gender...having other people in the room takes away from the private moment that you're having. My sister wanted to be at the ultrasound and I let her know that I really wanted it to be just DH and me. She was fine with that. When the time came for me to have another ultrasound later on I invited my mom and sisters to come see. I think that the ultrasound at 20 weeks is one that is important to keep private; it's the first time you're seeing your baby because the first one she kinda looked like a little ball, and finding out the gender is also a very precious, emotional time.

    I'd say keep MIL out and have your husband tell her that you'd both like to keep it just the 2 of you and let her know that if you have another ultrasound down the road or do a 4d ultrasound that she's welcome to come to that one. Best of luck!

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  • NO WAY!

    This is just for you & your DH, no one else has a right to even ask.

    Same with name choices etc.  My MIL is a good Irish Catholic (guilt is a specialty) but finally telling her "No" & standing up to her on different topics really fostered her respect for me & for us as a couple. FYI: I'm 41 and was in my 30's when we first met, but I was worried about saying anything contrary to her until I realized my DH wanted someone as strong & independent as his mom & I'm that woman.

    You're only pregnant for a short time & it's something that will bring you & your DH even closer.

    It's YOUR BABY, your pregnancy, your choice. 

     

  • I think its perfectly fine to have it just you and your husband.  At my first ultra sound it was just us, it is a very personal moment.  but at our second ultrasound that was done, I invited my mom and my husband was ok with that and she was so excited to see her grand daughter.  I would have your husband tell her that the both of you just want it to be you guys for that very special private moment.  Do not let her control the situation.  I have a MIL from hell and its actually at the point where we have not talked to her for 4 months and before any of that went down my husband was the only one to talk to her cause i emotionally could not.  Also no one is invited into the delivery room its going to be just us! 
  • We found out at our anatomy ultrasound that our baby has a cleft lip and palate.  The anatomy scan is where they find any potential birth defects.  I was a WRECK when they told me, and it would've made things way worse if I had to deal with having anyone other than my husband there.

     Besides that, I agree with the others about needing to stop this NOW before your MIL starts inviting herself to too many things.  This is a moment that should be shared between you and your hubby.  It is very special and emotional to watch your baby up there on the screen and the moment would be ruined if there was someone else there, IMO.

  • My MIL kind of hinted at coming and I told her I wanted it to be just me and DH becuase I had a special way of telling everyone the sex of our baby once we found out. Which is true. I went to the cupcake shop and got cupcakes with blue icing and blue bottles and glitter on them :) Once I told her that she was thrilled, I made it just as exciting for everyone else as it was for me and DH, just not as intimate.
  • Why are YOU the one having to tell your MIL? DH needs to tell her that this is a special moment for him and his wife and no one else. 
  • When we had our first and only u/s, we invited my mom, sister, and MIL to come -- but we went in first and got to "meet" our baby on our own.  It was a special moment that we didn't feel was appropriate to share with anyone!  After the sonographer had shown us everything (and, yes, verified that everything was OK), then DH stepped out and invited the girls to come on in.  We felt super-comfortable with this: everyone got to be there for the u/s, but DH and I were able to share those first magical minutes just with each other.  And our fathers and other siblings "met" the baby via DVD soon after.  I hope you can work out something similar!

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