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StrawberryAlarmClock
member
***This space reserved for photo of new squish***
I know UOs are going out of style but... (taking DH's name)
StrawberryAlarmClock
member
I absolutely cannot bring myself to take DH's name. There are so many reasons and I don't want this post to be ridiculously long, but I will touch upon a few. First, my name is my identity. I have my degree with this name, I have literally thousands of people in my line of work who have known me by my maiden name for over a decade. I know myself as Jane Smith and cannot see myself as Jane Jones - no matter how hard I try. Don't try to go too deep with it, I'm over-the-moon in love with DH and this is not some tiny voice inside that is rejecting my commitment to him - it's the Feminazi in me. EDIT: Thanks Broom and Yankee Version 3.0 for the background on the term Feminazi. Consider this the last time I use it.
I understand why women used to take their H's name, but nowadays, we are independent, many of us are bread winners. In my case, I make all of the decisions in our home regarding finances, parenting, etc. It really chaps my @ss that with all I do, our house is the Jones home. That said, I have zero problem with women who still do take their H's name. In fact, I'm a little jealous of them that they were able to make the "traditional" decision and wish I didn't have this hangup.
Some people have pointed out that Mom & Dad need to have the same last name to demonstrate family unity and for the kids' sake. However, I grew up in a home where my mom was Dr. Miller and my dad was Mr. Smith and no one ever doubted their love for each other and there was never any confusion that she was my mother even though we kids had our dad's surname. The only difference between us and our neighbors was that we didn't have the cute sign on the mailbox that said "The Smiths".
Like I said, I could make my OP a mile long, but let me just hear what you have to say and I'll respond in turn.
OK, I'm ready.
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Re: I know UOs are going out of style but... (taking DH's name)
I took my DH's name. I don't really have a reason why, other than tradition. My sister, on the other hand, kept her maiden name as her middle name and signs everything with both her H's last name and her maiden last name.
I thought about hyphenating, but that would have been a humongously awkward mouthful.
In an alternate reality, if I weren't married, and were to get married, I would probably keep my maiden name. But since I have already changed it and have no reason to change it back, I have my H's last name.
vegan mama, military wife
I'm a feminist (I find Limbaugh's coined phrase offensive) and I took H's last name. I don't think a symbolic but empty gesture such as keeping your maiden name makes you a feminist.
My name does not define me.
And can you change your title to FFFC official thread?:) Thanks.
My issue is when people do it without thinking of the options. I decided to, but not "just because." I did it because we wanted a common last name, and he is the last in his family with his last name. He was willing to actually combine our last names, but I thought it would be nice since he was the last to take his.
I don't know why so few even consider the whole family taking the woman's name. IMO it shouldn't be automatic that the woman takes the mans name. It should be a discussion. And men shouldn't get pissy if the woman doesn't want to take his name. THAT is ridiculsou.
LOL- this for me.. I know it's crazy reasoning, but I HATED my name....
I changed my name, but it was mainly just because I liked his name. It is completely selfish.
Funny story - while in law school I met a professor's wife who was very prestigious. I screwed up and introduced myself by my maiden name. She knew my husband's name and immediately started praising me for keeping my own last name and not giving into old-fashioned norms. She actually went on and on about this. I confessed that I had changed my name and just made a mistake, and she didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. I still wish I had lied.
I feel you on this. I didn't take my H's name mainly because I don't feel the need nor do I want to. My name, like you stated, is my identity. My kids have their Father's name and everyone still knows that we are a family and I am married to their Father. My love for my H is strong, which is why every anniversary I tell myself I'm going to hyphenate his name to mine as a gift. But I just can't bring myself to do it. He really wants me to take his name and a hyphenated name would be a compromise, but ugh...I really don't want to. I must be a Feminist.
Edit: Because I don't want to repeat anything Limbaugh
That said, Strawberry, I have to ask - if I wanted to write your family a Christmas card, how do I address it? Would it be the same way I address DH's two female cousins:
Ms. Jane Doe
Ms Mary Jane
123 Main St
For stuff like Christmas cards, I usually write "The Doe Family" - not sure how to handle it with different names! Enlighten me!
This.
I did take DH's name, but I initially didn't want to. So we talked about it and compromised. I figured that if I was giving something up he should too.
Abraham Arthur 2/21/10 // Asher Kendall 11/11/11
I never even thought about this option. Not that I am aware you can do that, I really love the idea. I don't know why it never crossed my mind before.
At the previous firm I worked, my boss hyphenated his last name with his wife's which I found refreshing.
H would have taken my last name.
Actually, I considered this - I really liked my maiden name. However, it's my birth father's last name, and I have never had any acknowledgment from him whatsoever, so as much as I liked the name, I didn't want to honor him in any way - it's bad enough that I even share his first name.
Unfortunately, yes, he does care.
MIL took FIL's last name with gusto and made a H.U.G.E. deal about me becoming a Jones. Once we got engaged, she would not call me Jane anymore. I became Mrs. Jones - on cards, to my face, when I'm in 3rd person. So that made it doubly hard to break the news.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Unfortunatley it is a mouthful, yes. I had considered PP's friend's idea of using my maiden name as my middle name. Did you know you need a judge's permission to do this? At least in my state you do. WTF
I agree with you and am really upset with myself for taking DH's name. If I were to do it all over again, I would make my maiden name my middle name. At the time, though, my DH was really upset and hurt that I didn't want to take his name. He didn't like the hyphenation idea or the maiden name as a middle name. When somebody at church overheard me talking to my mom about not taking my DH's name, they said that I must not be really committed to him. In the end, I caved to the pressure and wish I didn't.
I do have an ongoing protest going on with the name situation, though. I am a teacher and I spend all day responding to my last name. At work, I use my maiden name. My students, the parents, and all the teachers refer to me by my maiden name. I know it somewhat annoys DH when I come home with Xmas ornaments all decorated with my maiden name, but it annoys me that I was bullied into taking his name.
Can I just steal this and put it in my OP? LOL This is exactly my train of thought. Nothing against taking DH's name but why is that the default? Why isn't it considered by more people to take the wife's name?
wait what? Why on earth would he be upset about making your maiden your middle name? I did that. Thats actually the old school tradition. He really cared that much that you got rid of everything related to your maiden? Thats a new one to me.
Oh, but here's a little flame, because I agree with yankee. Limbaugh's term bugs the sh*t out of me, and we should never use it to refer to ourselves. It only perpetuates this weird shame of being a feminist, which is counterintuitive! I am a feminist, not a feminazi.
The governor of Michigan took her husband's last name as her middle name and he took her last name as his middle name.
Jennifer Mulhern Granholm
Daniel Granholm Mulhern
Oh I know people do it. I just don't get why so few even consider other options is all. Most seem to just automatically take their husband's name with out thinking about it.
I, personally, don't have any sort of "rule" here. It is an understandable question. When we were growing up, most people sent cards, as you do, to The Smith Family. My mother was never offended and I would not be either. If people knew us through her (colleagues, etc) we would get a handful of cards for "Dr. Miller & Family" or even "The Miller Family" (my dad didn't like these, but never made a big stink about it).
Jamie: married couples are always joined by "and"
so it would be "Mr Doe and Mrs Smith" (all on one line)
Me, too. One student even called DH Mr. + my maiden name. Whoops.
This is true. My grandmother went by First Maiden Married with no hyphens. She dropped her middle name when she got married.
Wow, really? Here you can make your name anything you want haha. Seriously, they told me to just write down what I wanted my name to be and that was that. So now I have my maiden name as my middle name.
I took G's name because I felt more attachment to him then my maiden name. I have no relationship with my sperm donor, to me it was a reminder that I was unloved and unwanted. G loved me, wanted me and is my heart and soul therefor I took his name.
I have friends that took her name because she was the last in the line of her name. I thought that was awesome. Now the name lives on in their sons.
[color=#FF0000]Mom to 5 girls 23,22,18,9,7 and one sweet Wonderboy almost 4[/color]
The Chaos of Six!
And better than ever by the sounds of it!
Yeah, I'll take that flame. I didn't realize it was the pill-popping-pompous-pr!ck's term. Yuck. I was more or less using it like a group of women call each other bishes or when people use "derogatory" terms to show comraderie. This, however, is not a great habit to perpetuate so consider me done with the term.