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Babies on the Brain
mrs_b_2007
member
the "spanking" topic.
mrs_b_2007
member
there is a spanking post debate going on over on 2nd Tri - and honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I suppose it's because I'm not yet a parent so I'm not sure how I will handle until it happens.
I don't think I'm totally opposed to spanking if used in an appropriate way (not going BSC & screaming your head off - and only when the action of the child is defiant & wrong). But then again, I was spanked as a child & I have unpleasant memories from it.
I remember one time I broke a door on a cabinet because I leaned on it the wrong way. It was a *total* accident. I was like 8 years old. My Mom FLIPPED out and chased me, and man did she spank me. I was old enough to be embarrassed that she was pulling my pants down & bending me over her knee.
I feel like in that instance, it was an accident - I should not have been spanked. It was humiliating. It's not like I did something malicious. I think parents lose control & let their anger take over. I *hope* that I am not like that - because dude I am 29 & I still remember it vividly.
anyway, I am perpetuating this controversial topic because I am bored. So lay your thoughts on me.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: the "spanking" topic.
oh and FWIW, I don't necessarily agree with the OP in that thread on 2nd Tri.
I can see where she is coming from, but I hardly think smacking a 2 year old on a plane would be a great idea - esp. with all the regulations these days.
Abraham Arthur 2/21/10 // Asher Kendall 11/11/11
I'm also watching that thread, but not participating. Because if I saw a parent spank their child on an airplane, I'd have a hard time not saying anything. It's not in a child's nature to sit still for 2 hours and "be good." I bet that mother was already feeling judged and shamed and upset ... she didn't need anyone else to give her the evil eye and she sure as shiit doesn't need some stranger telling her how to parent.
(not that the OP did that, but I find myself getting hot over this topic)
I find, as a parent, that I have MORE patience with other kids and with parents who are having bad moments. And while I was spanked as a child, I feel very uncomfortable spanking my own children. What does that really teach them? I'm working on "we don't hit" with my four year old. How can I say that in one breath and turn around and spank him for misbehavior?
I don't think I will spank. Speaking from experiance with my nephew I have spanked him a couple times (Quick little whacks on the bum - I have never turned him over my knee and pulled his pants down to spank him)
Spanking him doesn't work, because a) I don't actually spank him hard enough to actually cause pain and b) he just doesn't respond to spanking. He will just keep doing what he was doing.
Time outs are what work with my nephew, I am good at giving time outs so when I have kids I will likely stick with that.
I don't necessarily think it is evil to spank, I was spanked as a kid and I don't remember it at all. I just don't think that I will spank my kids.
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This is just my opinion, so spare the flames. I really think that people in this country over react to things. My parents used to spank and had someone seen it happen, they would not have been reported. My parents used to get the belt. When did this country get so over protective of their children?! Do they not realize this is why kids are so badly behaved now? Not because they're not spanked, but because they are not disciplined AT ALL. There was a time that children were afraid of their parents - not afraid of being hit, but afraid of disappointing them. That's just not the case anymore.
With that said, DH and I both agree that if a certain behavior warrants a spanking, then CJ will probably get one. We are all about using other forms of "punishment" other than spanking though. We have started time outs already which don't always work (lol) but we will definitely choose that or taking away privileges over spanking. But what if I did spank my child?! As a parent do I have to live in fear that someone is going to report me to CPS? I shouldn't have to.
::steps off soap box::
This is how I feel exactly.
Maybe I don't have a heightened sense of smell, but I've never smelled any vagina on my pants. -- TSD
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Angie - I agree that there are other ways. It is silly when people assume that because you don't use "their method" the child will be wild.
Jen - that is good point re: mimicking behavior - it's what toddlers do. Very hard to say "do what I say not what I do".
I suppose I am more opposed to spanking than I think I am - I just hate to say "never will I ever" - when I haven't been through it yet. KWIM?
It's a good thing this is just your opinion, because none of it is grounded by statistics, research, or even facts.
And the "my parents did X and turned out fine" line is a load of horse manure. Chances are your grandma was probably offered thalidomide during pregnancy. Chances are they rode around in cars w/ their kids not secured in carseats. That doesn't make it ok just because kids survived back then or because it was commonly accepted as "the norm".
I got spanked exactly 2 times as a kid:
1. The doorbell rang and I ran and flung open the door without asking who it was or looking out the window. My mom came flying in behind me, slammed the door shut and spanked me so hard and yelled, "We don't EVER answer the door for strangers without knowing who it is." I burst into tears and then so did she, LOL. I think she was just so scared and in the moment, b/c she was not even remotely physical in anyway. I kid you not, sometimes as an adult I still think of it when the doorbell rings.
2. I pulled on the neighbor's dog's ears and tail until he bit me. Then I came home wailing and my dad asked me what happened. When I told him he spanked me (lightly) and said that after being bitten and spanked I'd probably remember not to torture a dog ever again and you know what? He was right.
So I suppose in very specific and uncommon situations I don't have a problem with spanking, it's when it is a common form of discipline that I start to waiver.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
You, my dear get a standing ovation from me.
My brothers and I were spanked growing up. My brothers got it more than I did, they even got the belt a few times. I can remember getting spanked ONE time (in 2nd or 3rd grade I guess). It got the point across, and I made sure never to upset/disappoint my parents after that.
Married 11/24/07
Camille Rae 8/21/10
Thea Grace's EDD 5/22/14
How did I know you would have something to say when I posted this? I never said it was researched based - just what I have observed being a teacher and experiencing how parents "discipline" their children.
Yes, my parents rode around without carseats. No, I do not agree with it and I am surprised how many people survived. I am not saying using a belt is OK. I am not even saying spanking is OK...its a parents choice. But I do not think parents should be fearful of using spanking as a punishment.
I agree with you. I was spanked with a wooden spoon (never on a bare bum) and DH and I have a mutual agreement that if something warrants being spanked after no alternatives work, DC is probably going to get spanked.
I think people and the government need to mind their own business and let me parent my child. If I want your opinion, I'll ask.
I should probably tell my parents that there attempt at spanking me failed miserably. Clearly the only one I remember was when I broke a cabinet door. So I lived the rest of my life in fear or pulling on cabinet doors too hard. LMAO.
They probably should have saved it for the time I was a total smartass and talked back to them instead.
My brother and I were spanked when we were little, but I only vividly remember one spanking. My dad actually left a bruise (which he felt horrible for after and my mom was furious with him for days). He hit me in anger on my thigh (I was in bed) because I was talking back to him.
For the most part though I remember my mom spanking us more often than my dad. She was the real disciplinarian in our family.
My parents eventually discovered though that spanking didn't work for me...what DID work was taking away my little bike, which I loved to ride all over the neighbourhood.
DD born 3/23/2013; Baby #2 EDD 9/7/2015
I think spanking can have it's place. DS has been spanked once in the last 6 months (maybe longer?). We were in the car and he kept unbuckling his seatbelt. He's 4 and knows it is not OK. He was doing it intentionally because I wouldn't give him something (candy? toy? I don't remember) and was putting himself in danger on the highway.
I quickly pulled over and spanked him and put him back in the seat. I needed him to stop the behavior immediately and didn't have time to sit quietly and calm him down and work through it like I would have if we had been home.
Once we got home we had a talk about why it was dangerous and why he was spanked. I explained that it's OK to be upset but not OK to unbuckle when we're driving, etc.
in her defense, she stated it was her opinion, which is just what I asked for. I didn't say everything had to be backed up by scientific data. Let's face it - you can't do jack these days without threat of someone suing you or accusing you of a crime. Sad, but true.
This is what I will 100% try to avoid. Spanking out of anger doesn't help anything.
Thank you mrs_b. I didn't ask anyone to agree with me and clearly many people don't. It is sad that we should have to worry who might sue us over the silliest things.
There is definitely a fine line between spanking and a swat on the butt.
Spanking (to me) means with an object, not your hand, such as a wooden spoon, belt, or paddle. Because that's what I was spanked with as a child.
I do not spank. However, I have given my daughter a firm swat on the butt in severe instances. For example, she ran out into the middle of the parking lot at the grocery store, so I picked her up, brought her back to the car, and gave her a swat. She knows she needs to hold hands in streets, parking lots, etc. So this was her being defiant.
The thing that confuses me is when parents spank their kids when they get into trouble, but if the kid hits someone else, THEY get into trouble. Why?
ITA.
And not everything can be sorted out neatly by statistics/studies; at the top of that list I'd put parenting.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
This is exactly how I used spanking with DD. It was to quickly and thoroughly demonstrate that what she was doing/about to do was DANGEROUS and to discourage her from continuing. I only did it a few times that I can recall, and she never did those things again (one was definitely running into the street, I think some others were climbing her dresser, playing with the stove, and unlocking the door/going outside without permission.) She never hit us back.
So this makes zero sense. Why would you be ok with it being a parents' choice to spank their child (or not) if you disagree with it?
I also think you are lumping spanking and discipline all into one giant category and that isn't the case. I think you are spot on that parents aren't properly disciplining their kids. There aren't boundaries, rules are all made to be negotiated or broken, etc. That much is pretty clear across the board.
But it's been proven time and time again that spanking doesn't work as a discipline technique. New methods need to be taught and people need to be educated on how to properly discipline their kids instead of just swatting them and sending them to their bedrooms. I think a lot of it comes from parents just not knowing HOW. The previous generations have only used spanking, and more and more studies are coming out all the time proving how detrimental that is to children. Parents KNOW it's bad now, but they don't know what to do in place of the "old ways".
Insofar as you think spanking is only a parenting issue and CPS should butt out-- should CPS ignore the studies that 100% prove how detrimental corporal punishment is to kids? We know it's damaging. We know it has lifelong consequences and can VERY easily lead to VERY abusive situations. Why do you think CPS should just butt out? Why not have CPS (and communities at large, for that matter) intervene and teach parents appropriate and effective discipline methods?
I agree with Tri.
My mom spanked me and my siblings when we were kids, but she never ever did it when she was angry. She made us go to our bedroom and wait for her to come up. When she came up (sometimes a while later -- maybe 15-20 min?), she was always calm, told us why we were getting spanked, and asked us what we should do next time. Honestly, she never spanked us hard enough for it to even really hurt (never left a mark), but sitting there and talking it out beforehand really make a difference.
That said, I'm not sure whether we'll spank our future kids. I'm sure there are instances where it will definitely be warranted (like a child repeatedly removing a seatbelt in the car), but there are times when other methods will work just as well, if not better.
I also agree there is a fine line. I have popped Allie's bottom a time or two when she wore diapers. The sound was enough to grab her attention. I never popped hard enough for her to feel it or hurt. Since being PT I have never popped her bottom. I felt horrible doing it. I can think of the 3 times I did it and DH did it once. We were haven't done it since. I do not believe it is for us. Time outs seem to do the trick.
Today at the doctor office this little girl maybe 2 or 3 hit her younger brother. The mom spanked her for hitting. Then the little girl hit the mom and laughed. I really don't think she understood what the spank was for. I feel she thought the mom was playing.
We have 4 kids in our home. SS age 11, SD age 9, Guardianship daughter age 8, and Willis almost 2.
Yes we have spanked (not Willis). Not out of anger, rather in extreme situations. I could probably count on one hand the number of times we did. It was situations that were dangerous to them. We use other methods of punishment for defiance. (Time outs, loss of toys/games).
The OP in 2nd tri made me irritated for not just her obvious lack of anger control, but using the fact that she has an 11 yr old , and her "Hot Latin Blood" as an excuse.
A spank is a swat on the butt to me. I would never hit my kid with something, but I will spank his bottom occasionally.
This. Spanking is done with an open hand. Beating is done with anything else (though it can also be done with the hands.)
I agree. The law in my jurisdiction, spanking=swatting with a hand. Spanking with any object = weapon = corporal punishment.
DS hits other kids when he's overstimulated, like at family parties when it's loud and busy. (Through his therapies his is rapidly improving at communicating instead of hitting, but it still happens occasionally.)
My mother recently told me that I need to spank him when he hits. It took me over an hour to get through to her that hitting him when he hits will not teach him not to hit.
I'm ok with the occasional slap on the hand or the behind if it's a serious thing. I draw the line at using objects, pulling pants down, or smacking anywhere else on the body.
I can disagree with what someone else does but it is still their choice. Just like abortion. I may disagree with it and may not personally do it, but (again MY OPINION) I think its a woman's choice.
I am not saying CPS should butt out completely. There are of course major extremes where spanking or another kind of "punishment" goes WAY too far. I have reported a handful of parents for things that go far beyond spanking, but I would never report a parent for spanking their child. That's just silly IMO.
I think its a great idea to have CPS get involved in situations where punishment has gotten out of control (more than spanking).
Can you provide the statistics that prove spanking doesn't work?
I think spanking does not work on every child. From my personal experience it sure worked on me. My brother and I were rarely spanked, but I never made that bad choice again if my parents spanked me.
I dunno...again, its just my opinion.
Hitting for hitting is not a good idea. They don't understand. It was very obvious this little girl thought it was a game. I swear your mom and my mom could be the same woman.
I am not at all pretending to be an expert on this topic, but there are always studies that support both cases. Just because there are articles that say spanking doesn't work doesn't mean that's the way it is. There are probably just as many articles & studies out there discussing the effectiveness of spanking when used appropriately. A quick Google search for me turned up several documents that support both sides. Clearly it's not a black & white issue as it remains a pretty intense topic of debate.
As far as CPS goes - obviously they should be involved when the situation warrants it. Having them intervene b/c someone spanks their child occasionally is ridiculous. I'd rather have them focus on families & children truly in need.
The word "spanking" is arbitrary. You guys get my point I think. Discipline with an object, unacceptable. A swat on the butt (or "spanking" or whatever you want to call it) in certain instances, acceptable.
::applauds::
Well said.
I get your point and agree with it. I just wanted to be sure that you understood that those of us who said spanking were only talking about a swat on the butt and not with an object.