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2nd Trimester
Would you step down from Bridesmaid if... Follow Up
Some of you may remember this post:
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/42743827.aspx
I need some additional advice now... I had a chat with the bride, explained all of my concerns and tried to break the news gently that I would probably need to step down. She didn't take it well. Among other things, some highlights of the conversation:
Me: I'm really worried about the demands of a newborn that will be breastfeeding very often during the day and how I will juggle that with the demands of your weekend wedding getaway. From what I hear from other moms, newborns breastfeed every hour or so...
Bride: (With no children, I should mention) Not if you're good. If you're good at it, you won't be breastfeeding all of the time.
...
Bride: I see newborns on planes all of the time.
...
And other things... needless to say, she didn't take any of it very well and I felt that I was defending what ladies here told me as well as what my doctor/midwife told me. It was the strangest conversation... I told her we'd talk about it more because I had to go at the time.
Now her FI, whom I have only met once and really don't know very well, has been facebook messaging me, telling me that he was surprised by my doctor's orders and that he really hopes I had thought the decision through because the bride was very disappointed.
Any advice on how to handle this situation without completely destroying our friendship would be much appreciated. I feel so awful for the entire situation, but I'm beginning to feel a bit offended by some of the comments - I told both bride and FI that I hope that they understand that in the end, I need to make the best decision for myself and my baby.
Thanks so much for your time.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would you step down from Bridesmaid if... Follow Up
I was bleeding (and pretty heavily at times) for almost 6 weeks after my son was born. Walking or any other physical activity made it worse. I could not imagine getting on a plane at 4 weeks.
And what exactly does "good at it" mean? LOL - as if to say "well if you have super boobs, your kids won't have to eat often!" BS. I formula fed my son and at that stage he needed to eat constantly. I'm sure breastfed babies eat with the same frequency.
To be honest, if I had a friend who couldn't be supportive and understanding of that, I wouldn't care if she was mad. I really wouldn't.
I'm sorry, but your friend is an @sshat. If you want to salvage this friendship, though, I think you need to play up the medical side of things. Tell your friend that your doctor is vetoing the trip due to the age of your baby at the time of the wedding and the types of activities you're expected to engage in. It's not about her, it's about the baby's health.
Also, I would throw in that you were hurt by the fact that neither she nor her fiance could tear themselves out of wedding-tunnel-vision mode long enough to realize that you really did try to figure out a way to make participating in the wedding work, but that at the end of the day a newborn's needs have to take priority over an OOT wedding. Don't let them off the hook for that, especially when you know they're going to be critical of your decision and make it all about them anyway.
It's hard too, because it's not like I'm basing my decision on personal experience (that would probably give me some conviction!) - I've come to this decision because of the advice from my doctor, and also, more importantly, the advice of moms who have already been there.
I don't know much about breastfeeding, but I know enough to know that moms can't always control how it will go with their LOs. There are so many variables that go into how successful a mom is with BF - I thought that was the b!tchiest comment from her. Really got under my skin...
This is great advice. Thank you!!
Look, we have all been there more or less. Brides think the world revolves around them and their wedding. Well, it does not. How old will your baby be? It takes about 6 weeks to get back into your normal life. Breastfeeding can be very demanding, it hurts, its frustrating, but if yoiu stick with it, its not only the best thing you can do for your child, but its awesome, its love in liquid form - and you have the right to give yourself that time without stressing about other things. Your baby will be your center of the world for a while. So, you have given her enough warning (I assume since you are 13 weeks and we are talking newborn) to find another bridemaid and you can offer you help with whatever else you can, but YOUR world will be evolving around your baby. BTW: Once she is pregnant and the wedding distant memories, she would expect another friend to let her out of the wedding too.
Later edit: many pedis will tell you that they do not recommend babies traveling that young because of vaccines not being fully done.
I agree with pp that she is @#$**. I was bleeding for 6 weeks and could barley sit. Excuse me but my midwife told me to walk arounf in PJ's for 2 weeks to remind myself and others that you need to rest. Argh, this gets me worked up. Can I call her???
This is very true! I was so surprised by her reaction to the entire situation. It's been really disappointing.
It's unfortunate, but a lot of people without kids thing maternity leave is a vacation. It's not. It's time for your body to heal, time to take care of a newborn. You'll be living on no sleep, new schedules - not a vacation at all!
As much as she thinks the world doesn't revolve around you having a baby, the world also does not revolve around her wedding.
I would stay strong - tell her you will not be able to stand up at the wedding. Offer to help her in any other way, but don't let her/her FI guilt you into anything. And if she decides to cut you off as a friend - that's her loss. One day she'll understand.
GL
So true! All of what you said... thank you!
I didn't read any of your previous post but IMO, if she is willing to rid your friendship over this, it wasn't a friendship worth keepnig to begin with.
A true friend would be understanding. Sure, its ok to be a little down your friend can't be at or in your wedding, but its selfish to make you feel bad and get mad at you for it. Especially since you're giving plenty of notice. Your sig says you're 13 weeks and you're talking about when LO is newborn. I'd say thats ample time to make changes.
I would love for you to!!
That's what I was hoping for... that I could break the news now... while she still has plenty of time to find another BM if she wants/needs to.
Not so much!
Honestly, I don't think her not having kids yet or never having been pregnant have much to do with her reaction. She sounds immature and unreasonable, BUT hopefully that was just an initial reaction.
Like others have said, maybe if you talk to her again gently and really focus on the medical aspects of why it just isn't going to happen, she'll come around and accept that it's unreasonable to expect you to be there. Tell her you care about her and her wedding too much to have to wait to the last minute to make a decision, and you want her to have lots of time to find another bridesmaid (which I think you already mentioned).
Good luck!
#1- I bled until at least 3 wks PP.
#2- alot of airlines will not let you fly with a newborn that is under a certain age unless you have a medical reason or adoption papers.
#3 pediatricians do not like newborns to fly unless they have had their first round of shots (gen by wk 10) because then they are more suseptible to getting sick from all the germs on a plane.
#4- it doesn;t matter if this is your first child or 20 (Mrs. Duggar), babies who BF eat every 1.5-2.5hrs since it doesn't take as long to digest.
I hate to say it, but no matter how close you are to the bride your family comes first and they will always be there. You need to do what is best for you and your family. And if she doesn't understand that then she is not a true friend to you. Good luck.
Just from my experience...
I bled for 8 weeks after, and yes, baby nursed every couple of hours.... Being a regular guest at the wedding would be challenging enough I couldn't imagine being a bridesmaid! I mean won't the bride be upset if you are holding up pictures taking, or something.... Try to paint the picture for her about how newborn care will interfere with her wedding since she doesn't seem very sympathetic to you her friend.
My opinion, is relax on the breastfeeding talk, you don't know how it's going to go. I had a really easy time breastfeeding.
I'd go more with I don't feel comfortable taking a 4 week old on a plane. Most pediatricians don't like your newborn being around many people until after there 2 months old (due to having the proper vaccines).
Also, It's going to be hard packing for you and the baby and transporting everything and being comfortable. I think that's a lot for a brand new mom to handle. If you really wanted to go I'd say go for it but since it seems you're very reluctant I would keep it to doctors orders say don't do it.
I plan on being so good at BF'ing that I only have to do it once a week. That good!
Uhm... all jokes aside, your friend sounds like a total doucher. Baby still needs to eat the same amount of times whether you are good at it or not (I still don't understand what she means by that).
She seems very immature, selfish and completely naive. Just keep up with letting her know what your doctor is saying. Oh and her FI, he sounds like a doucher too. Is he a doctor? If so, then I could see him being "surprised" by your doctors advice. But, my guess is he is probably not.
You need to do what is right for you and baby. This is also my first, but my guess is that you are not going to be comfortable sitting on a plane cross-country, BF'ing LO all while trying to keep up with the demands of being in Bridezilla's wedding.
Stand strong on your decision and don't let these two guilt you into putting your body at risk or your baby's health at risk.
As someone who has done this twice before, there is no way on this green earth I would get on a plane with a new baby and do a 3-day weeding thing. No freaking way!
A: the germs in the enclosed plane. Do you really want to put your newborn in that and risk your baby catching something? It's bad enough bringing a newborn to church with all the people there. Imagine the grossness of the plane.
B: Not only will you probably not be feeling 100% yet (or even 50% for that matter), you'll probably still be bleeding. I'm not familiar at all with c-sections, but I can imagine if you needed on, that may not be fun as well. Plus you'll probably be so tired trying to adjust to a new schedule. I can't even imagine throwing different time zones and jet-lag into the mix. That will totally screw up any semblance of a routine/schedule that you've managed to work on so far.
C: Breastfeeding a newborn is extremely demanding! While they may not eat every hour (every baby is different and grows at different rates), you will probably be feeding at least every 2-3 hours at times. And those nursing sessions can take up to a half hour. It doesn't matter how "good" you are at it, it's still time consuming.
Your friend's fiance sounds like a complete tool. And your "friend" should be far more understanding. It's not like you're quitting on her for frivolous reasons. This is serious stuff here. I bet she wouldn't do it if the tables were turned. GL.
You mentioned that the baby will be 4 weeks old....but unless you are having a scheduled c-section can you be sure the baby will be "on time"? My DD was over a week late.
I was supposed to be the maid of honor in my brother's wedding (he was marrying one of my good friends). The wedding was "local", only about 1.5 hour from home, and I was due about 11 days before the wedding. I told the bride I would step down but still be involved in the planning and other events about 7 months before the wedding. She insisted that I stay on things would "work out". They didn't, I had my baby the same night as the wedding.
Oh, and I was still bleeding and sore and sleep deprived and trying to figure out the BF routine for several weeks after the birth....There is NO way I would have been flying across the country at that point. I hope the bride comes around, but if not she's not worth the guilt trip.
We traveled for the first time when my DS was around 3 months old. I was not able to breastfeed and was pumping instead and that made everything more complicated. HOWEVER, take breastfeeding completely out of it. Flying for the first time with a baby is so incredibly stressful. The amount of stuff you have to pack is unreal and you don't need that stress while your body is trying to recover. I felt great 4 weeks after but was EXHAUSTED. There is one more reason you could give her if she is being selfish - the baby will take a great deal of attention away from her! You will have to attend to the baby throughout the day (including possibly at the ceremony and during pictures).
Honestly, I would just give her a few days to calm down. I know it sounds strange but people who haven't been there just don't understand. Tell her that you are disappointed too. Perhaps you all can go visit her when the baby is a little older or go out to see her before the baby is born for a shower or bachelorette party. You would be spending the same amount of money if you went for the wedding.
But that was YOUR wedding. Not a friends that was half way across the country. TOTALLY different.
Plus, what does it matter if she accepted when TTC? What if it had taken her 3 years to get pregnant? Should women who are TTC put all their plans on hold on the off chance their pregnancy would disrupt a friends "special day".
Nope, I don't agree with one thing you've said.
OP, everyone else has given you great advice. Just stick to your guns and tell her that you would hate to agree to stay on as MOH then be on bedrest for 2 months and for her to have to go without a MOH.
I like this idea too. Might as well educate her.
Wow! It sounds like your friend is being totally unreasonable and inconsiderate!
Having said that she is the BRIDE...this is her WEDDING. yes, that means the world revolves around her (at least in her mind and for the next several months)
Your arguments are partially valid, but
1) A newborn receives its mother's immunity before birth and breastfeeding continues to give antibodies from the mother to the baby that decrease over SEVERAL months...so the baby is as likely as you to get sick on the plane (not more likely) also I've heard that it's easier to travel with small infants than with toddlers who need to be entertained
2) Breastfeeding is demanding, but you COULD do it and participate if you had help and really were diligent about it..say, if this were your only sister getting married?? Maybe you could pump and let Daddy feed every other time?
3) You don't know how you'll feel after the baby's born...especially if your pregnancy was difficult (you may feel great)
I just think you should stick with reasons she can't argue with, like:
I may not feel up to it! She can't tell you how you'll feel after the baby is born.
Also, I think it would be good to stress that this is HER day and should be about HER! Pretend for a second that she really is the most important thing going on here... and that you don't want to take away from her special day by being distracted even if that seems ridiculous to you.
I just wanted to give another opinion here...I definately would back out of the wedding if in your situation, but I know that all i would say is "I'm gonna have a four week old" and my friends would totally understand
Sorry for your situation.
When it is your own wedding of course you are going to make things work - it's your wedding and therefore your schedule.
As someone who was TTC for 3 years I'm offended by your suggestion that she is somehow at fault here for accepting the BM position if she was TTC - TTC is not a no brainer for many people and you can't put your life on hold on the off chance that you may get pregnant.
Your friend and her FI are being complete ridiculous. There is NO WAY I would get on a plane with a newborn for a wedding. From my experiences as a BM, you're busy ALL DAYthe day of the wedding, you're up late the night before at the RD, etc. It would just be too much (for me anyway) as a new mom with a newborn.
One of my very, very dear friends is getting married one week after my due date. It's a 3 hour drive. I'm not going. And I'm not even IN the wedding.
FWIW - I've never seen a newborn on a plane. Ever.
DS born Dec 10, 2013
i won't be taking my newborn to the mall, the grocery store and certainly not on a germ-infested plance at 4 weeks old.
I get sick almost everytime I fly, I can't imagine a newborn would fare very well.
I would tell the friend that you can't be in the wedding since your doctor and every other sane person on the planet recommends you don't bring your newborn to large public germy places for the first 8 weeks. End of story.
if she has a problem with that or is going to hold it against you, then so be it. she is losing a friend and you are losing a very selfish person as a part of your life.
This. She sounds pretty selfish. Sounds like you are going to have to appeal to her selfish side. Tell her that you want to make sure she has her dream wedding...it can't be a dream if you have your newborn crying to be fed in the middle of the ceremony, pictures, reception, etc. Like other PP said, I can't imagine being a guest at a wedding let alone standing up in one. With it being your first you don't know how your body will react or how healthy the baby will be (praying it will be healthy, but doesn't hurt to plan for worst case scenario). What if you're 2 weeks late, you wouldn't want to bring a 2 week old on a plane. I understand that you can't make that financial investment of plane tickets and hotel reservations if you don't know how the baby will be at that point, however she may not. I think any reasonable person would support your decision to not go to the wedding on so many levels. In the end, she may not agree, but it's not worth risking you or your baby's health.
Pretty much what everyone else said.
a) There is no way I would be putting a 4 week old baby on a plane. Period. For a plethora of reasons.
b) At 4 weeks, I was still bleeding like a stuck pig.
My SIL got married when DS was 8 weeks, and I didn't make the trip to FL with the rest of the family. Call me selfish, whatever, I just didn't want to deal with it. Yeah, she was a little butt-hurt at the time, but she got over it ... and now that she's pregnant, she's told me several times she doesn't blame me at all. If this chick is really a 'friend', she will be disappointed at your absence, but understand your reasoning.
The Mouse ~ 06.12.08 | The Froggy ~ 02.23.11
I think there is a very good chance that your friendship with someone this selfish will totally be ruined but when your whole world is consumed by your baby I just don't think you'll care. Maybe she'll come around, maybe not but you are making the right decision and you have nothing to feel bad about. I also think you're worrying too much about justifying it, you don't have to!
If she is this demanding now can you imagine how much worse it will get later on? It's not just about making the trip it's about all the other stuff that goes along with being a bridesmaid. You are doing yourself a favor, let yourself off the hook and don't feel bad about it. She has plenty of time to find a solution to HER problem.
Wow, she wants you to fly on a plane 4 weeks after your baby is supposed to be born? She sounds like an inconsiderate b!tch.
What if you go late? What if, God forbid, you go early?
If she was a true friend, she would understand that while you WANT to be there, it is not something that's possible. I'm not even sure you would want to expose your newborn baby to all the germs on the plane. You will still be bleeding (I had a c-section and I bled for about 3.5 weeks) and you just gave BIRTH. Who the eff wants to get on a plane so quickly after that?
I truly wouldn't care if she got mad because she should be a good enough of a friend to realise this is something you can't do not something you don't want to do.
Your friend is nuts!!
I had a very easy delivery and quick recovery and a relatively easy time breastfeeding - but there's no way in he!! I'd trek cross country with a few week old newborn for a wedding! Even if you deliver on time, have a flawless delivery and easy recovery and a great nurser, you are still going to be nursing around the clock, not sleeping much, and just needing to focus on you and baby - not wedding craziness. Plus travel at that stage - bad idea to have a baby that young on a plane.
I think what you said is about as nice as you can get - they do not have realistic expectations and I think you are right to be offended by some of their comments. Hopefully, she'll come around to seeing that she's totally being a bridezilla. If not, I don't know that I'd find her friendship worth having.
Breastfeeding Counselor with Breastfeeding USA
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I'd have to agree with PP that said to appeal to her selfish side. Obviously attributing it to BF or having a newborn is not registering on her rational side (if she has one). You have no idea how this will go. As others said, what if you go late? Many OBs will let you go like 10 days late, which will make you 2 weeks post partum at their wedding date. If by chance you have some complications, like tearing or a C-section, getting around so soon will not be feasible. Do they really want to deal with the possibility that you would have to cancel 2 weeks before the wedding? Position it that you are doing it in their best interest, so nothing has to happen at the last minute.
And to the poster who said she should have declined because she was TTC, you're clueless. It took me 2-1/2 years to get PG with this baby. Dumb dumb generalized statement.
Sorry to hear you have to go through this. Honestly, she doesn't sound much like a friend to me. BFing hard. I tried it with DS, and ended up going to formula after a few weeks. You also don't know how labor could go. It could be great, or you could end up having an emergency c/s or get a bad tear, which will make traveling very uncomfortable. (I had an emergency c/s, and wearing a seatbelt or traveling in a car was uncomfortable for at least 4-6 weeks.) I can't imagine what it would be like to not only travel with a newborn, but also travel so close after having a c/s and maybe hitting turbulence or something.
Forget about her, and look forward to all the money you will be saving by not going.
And her FI needs to butt out--it's not his place to get in the middle of it.
This times a million. I care about my friend and her wedding is important to me, but I wasn't going to put off plans TTC because I might actually get pregnant right away and might not be able to attend her wedding. Just because you're getting married, doesn't mean the rest of the world stops revolving. This was not MY wedding. Of course she made it work. I probably would have showed up to my wedding without legs and arms. But not a friend's. Sorry!
But for the record, when I accepted, we actually were NOT yet TTC. We started TTC after we got married, which was about 5 months after I accepted. We were ready for babies! Weren't going to wait 2 years for her to get married! Please.
Thank you all so very much for your IMMENSELY helpful comments, suggestions and advice! I had to leave for work this morning, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the well-thought-out responses and the time it took you all to explain your thoughts.
Thank you doesn't begin to express my gratitude! I've been stressing about this situation so much and you all made me feel so much better about my decision.