I could really use some advice..
Hello. Im really looking for some advice on how to handle this situation were having at home and I really dont have anyone else to ask..
About 2 months ago my husband and I got full custody of his 5 year old son. He was only able to see his son a handful of times in the last 5 years due to the childs mother. We have enrolled him in Kinder and hes been acting out in class. He is the sweetest kid while at home but his teacher sends him home with a "bad note" about 3 times a week. We have tried time out, taking his toys, talking to him etc. He tells us hes really happy to live with us, yet were not understanding why he is acting out in school. He throws crayons, pushes kids in line, doesnt stay in his seat, talks while the teacher is teaching etc. So im really not sure what to do. This whole parenting thing is new to both of us. I dont know why he only acts out at school. We thought maybe because I am pregnant and due in december and he sees baby items entering the house, but he also has gotten tons of things being we had nothing in our house for a 5 year old. Im an truly at a loss of words and need some advice. Please let me know what I can do. Thanks so much in advance!
Re: I could really use some advice..
These are a TON of changes for a five year old. Have you talked to him about the new baby? Have you explained what's going on and how things might change around the house? There are great books for explaining the role of the older sibling. You can get "Big Brother" shirts to help get him excited about the role that he'll play.
What's the visitation schedule like with birth mom? Does he still have regular contact? Is he acting out more following visits or calls? What precipitated the change to allow your DH to have full custody? It's rare that a father who previously was minimally involved will get full physical custody... were there abuse or neglect concerns? Were there addiction concerns?
Have you talked to the guidance counselor about the changes that your family has undergone to see if there are any hints that he/she might have? Does the teacher have anything to say about his performance in school? Does she/he feel that behavioral evaluation/educational testing is warranted? If you haven't spoken to the teacher, start there.
You might want to try cross posting this to Blended Families as well. The ladies there do NOT pull punches, and are very honest, but they give exceptionally good advice, and would be a wealth of information for you.
We have explained to him about his sister that is coming. He goes to the doctor with us and sees the ultra sounds and loves looking at the pictures for days after. So I dont think its so much of another child coming into the house. But I could be wrong.
Birth mom has him Saturday and Sundays. He doesnt like to talk to her on the phone when she does call..and thats not often during the week. He just sits quite on the phone and tells us he doesnt want to talk to her. We recieved full custody of him because she said shes having issues getting around with no car. She cant take him to school on time while having another child in a different school. She also cant afford baby sitters. She knows that were financially stable and well off. We know that she has a new boyfriend and believe that he has taken a lot of her attention. He tells us his mom was usually sleeping or with him. We dont believe there is an issue with addiction.
We have spoken to the teacher and she said that he is really smart for a 5 year old. He loves to do his homework and is good at it. He can concentrate for a long period of time on the same thing. We thought maybe he was just too smart for Kinder but after testing he doesnt need to move a grade.
This is why were so stumped. I personaly think hes trying to find his boundaries and limits everywhere he goes. Hes a GREAT kid..we just wish we could figure it out!
It sounds like he has so much going on right now in his little world. You can try talking to him about what is bothering him, but he may not open up to you. One approach that I use with my son to talk to him is do something else with him then start slowly asking questions. So, don't just ask him questions because kids feel on the spot then and will shut down. Maybe sit down and color with him or do puzzles, then talk while doing that. I find this works much better with my ds and he will talk to me more freely if he is distracted with something else and doesn't feel as intimidated.
I would have him talk to a child therapist. They can be a great help to your ds and to you for advice on how to deal with everything going on. With the change in where he lives, a new school, new baby and not seeing his mom as much...that is a lot and he needs someone to help deal with all of it.
I think that setting boundaries are good for when he does something wrong. Kids need that to feel safe. But he also needs tons of praise. My ds was having some issues with behavior and while we did use punishments/discipline we also amped up the preaise for everything little thing that he did right. Is there anything that he is doing right at school that you can praise? Mayeb ask the teacher for some good things he did throughout the day. Then overly praise him for those things...even if it is the smallest thing.
Does he want more one on one time with Dad? You could have a behvior chart. Every time he has a good behvior he gets a sticker on the chart. After 5 stickers (or whatever you choose), then he and Dad go out for a special time together. This may work well where he isn't getting that quality time with mom.
When he moved in with you did he get a room of his own that is decorated for him? If not, maybe make sure his bedroom is special so that he feels that it is his and it is permanent.
Hope things get better ...good luck.
Ditto the previous replies about the sheer number of changes your stepson has been asked to handle in such a short time. And props to you and your H for stepping into the gap and helping remove his son from what seems like a less stable situation with his mom.
I think I good resource for you would be his school's guidance counselor. The school needs to know about the custody situation and the new baby's expected arrival. The school needs to know that you and your H are parenting a 5 y/o, but that you don't have 5 years experience with full-time parenting under your belts!
The counselor can work with you and the classroom teacher to come up with a behavior program to help your son perform his best at school. And, if she thinks there are outside resources like social workers, parenting classes, and counselors who might be of help, the guidance counselor can steer you towards these as well.
GL!
I want to say thanks for your advice. We have talked to his school and his teacher. We make sure he comes home with all the work hes done for the day that way we can do our sticker chart for all the work he has done at school. We also reward him for homework and things like brushing his teeth with out being told.
He has come a long way since we first got him. And I must say it changed our world. We literally got a call saying come get him. The next week we were in court and it was a done deal. We went from having nothing for a 5 year old to an entire Transformers bed room for him and everything he could and would need, since his bio-mom didnt send him with anything. At first he used to act out at home and now hes completly fine. Its just school.
I talked to a friend yesterday and she seems to think..since he was living in a bad neighborhood with his bio-mom and was playing with some "rough" kids that hes bringing what he saw there to school here. The schools are different where we live and the kids are well mannered and not rough around the edges. So were trying to teach him the difference.
But thanks for all the advice! Have a great weekend!