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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
melisgood
member
does your DH find you attractive?
melisgood
member
Hey Girls,
I'm feeling really down. Spent last night crying my eyes out on the couch while my husband was sleeping. We've been seeing a therapist and he suggested we have 20 minute "exercises" where we explore each others body but not have sex due to our lack of intimate connection. Anyways, last night was the second try and it was worst than the first try. My DH kept saying how "things will improve" (referring to my physical appearance) and asking if most girls get implants after babies (while jiggling my boobs that are not as plump and said he would work on "getting used to my body" while he grabbed my stomach. I don't think he was trying to be mean but it really hurt my feelings. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy size (4-6) and do have some stretch marks but have been having laser treatments and they look better. I've been exercising and I'm training for a 10k so honestly I didn't think i looked half bad....but I feel so uncomfortable naked around my husband now. I wanted him to find something attractive about my body NOW not how he thinks it will improve. My DH is pretty shallow and has always picked on my physically....i've had a nose job and lipo under my chin. I don't want any plastic surgery and i want him to accept me for how i am....is it unreasonable for me to want him to find me physically attractive when my clothes are off? Obviously i'm going to talk to our counselor tuesday about this sad issue. Oh, and after taring me apart he wanted play and got mad when i said i just wasnt' in the mood. Any advice is appreciated. My DH just doesn't seem to get this.
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Re: does your DH find you attractive?
OK wait. You've had a nose job, chin lipo (so jealous!) are a size 4-6 and work out? I bet you are in GREAT shape and I would kill to look like you.
Your DH is a jerk. I will say no more because it won't be nice (to your DH)
I agree with all of this 100%
OMG! I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. DH has never expressed dissatisfaction with my body -- as a matter of fact when I complain he tries to be very encouraging. He knows that for a lot of women things change.
You really need to discuss this with your therapist... that's borderlin abusive in my opinion.
So sorry and good luck
Your DH should not be jiggling your body parts and assessing you like you are livestock. My god.
He is an azz, and you should not base your self esteem on his opinion.
Wow... I'm SO sorry you're going through that, and have been putting yourself through those procedures for him.
No, My DH is not like that at all. I feel like I look terrible right now... and I do, I'm growing a baby underneath my belly jelly from my 8 month old... not sexy. When I cry, he tells me that he loves me and loves my body and even though it's not the way it used to be he loves it because of what caused it to get that way.
I'm not telling you this to rub it in, but because this is what every woman deserves to hear after putting her body through a pregnancy. You deserve to hear things like this as well, NOT what you are hearing. If you can't say what you need to in front of him at therapy, write it all down or talk to your councilor privately and tell them how you're feeling, they're trained to know the best way to bring things up.
Good Luck! And Big Hugs!
Oh my goodness.
((((hugs))))
I'm glad you are going to a counselor to talk because this is NOT your fault. You need someone else to tell you that and to help you work through this emotionally abusive behavior.
I think I'd die if my husband ever said anything like that to me.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he is making you feel. You shouldn't need to feel like you have to have more plastic surgery because he is a narcissistic crazy cakes. If he is shallow then you may just have to realize that and when he makes comments ignore them.
You could also say "how would you feel if I said your *insert anything here* was unattractive or would get better if you worked out" and see how he responds.
This is a crummy situation and I think at the very least you should BOTH be in counseling and talking about this. For you, for him, for your family.
(((hugs mama)))) know that you are BEAUTIFUL
While DH and I don't have the lack of intimacy issue (at least not enough to warrant counseling...), I am extrememly self-conscious of my post-baby body!! I too am back to my pre-preg size of 4/6.... but have stretchmarks and things are flabbier, etc.... but I've been going to the gym to try to lose the last few pounds and tone up.
That being said, whenever I voice my insecurities to DH, he responds one of two ways: 1) "You just had a baby 7 months ago!! You're working out, and it will get better!" - um, thanks???? or 2) "I think you look hot, babe" - thanks, but since you only say this when I am voicing my insecurities, I don't know how sincere you are being!!!!
It's tough. I feel your pain.
ETA: Your DH treating you like a plastic surgery consultation is NOT ok. He has some nerve!!!! I dare you to take a red marker and judge HIS body with marks when he is sleeping!!!! lol
I think if you allow your husband to treat you this way and try and improve your appearance for him, then the one that has issues is you.
I would look into counseling for you solo because you seem to have some self esteem issues.
I'm no where near a size 4 nor do I have a perfect body, but DH still finds me sexy. He's even said I'm sexier now since having DS.
Your husband sounds shallow, I would hope with all of his criticisms towards you, he's a carbon copy of Brad Pitt.
Honestly, if you're happy with yourself then great! It sounds like your husband has unrealistic expectations for you. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. Your DH needs to re-prioritize what's important - and it's not your physical appearance.
You do things (work out, etc) for YOURSELF, not for a man.
I'd say he does find you attractive, he did want to get it on after feeling you, but I don't think that's the problem here. It seems like he is being passive agressive and that there are underlying issues that he is taking "vengeance" for. The problem could very well not be sexual at all.
Wow is it sad that I just LOLed on this one. AshPal61 you are a nut and I love it!
" My DH is pretty shallow and has always picked on my physically"
WHY are you with him, then?!
Not feeling comfortable naked in front of a guy is your mind's way of telling you in no uncertain terms NOT to have sex with him, ever again. Therapy won't fix assh*le.
I would seriously divorce him. No questions asked.
Or I would hide his body in a forest.
I'm thinking the "D" in "DH" here stands for "d!ck". Seriously. He is one.
You deserve better treatment than that. Seek counseling on your own and figure out why you married someone who would treat you this way. This is mental and emotional abuse ("he does this to pull me down to his level") and you both need a lot of help.
If it was me, I'd separate from him.
So, he has issues with his own appereance? you say he likes to bring you down? that he feels bad that you are able to look good in a bikini?
Interesting, no wonder he got aroused after making you feel bad about your body. He is playing a very twisted game and it needs to stop.
Be sure to bring it up on your next session
I don't respect men who treat their wifes the way your husband treats you. He should accept and love you for who you are today - not some image of perfection he hopes you'll become. You should never feel obligated to change things about yourself (e.g. having surgeries) in order to make him happy. You are beautiful and perfect the way you are and deserved to be cherished.
Have you talked to him openly about how he makes you feel?
Why why why are you married to this man?????
Re-read what you wrote. Your life partner, the man that is supposed to love and adore you makes himself feel better by putting you down. That's beyond fvcked up.
Is your therapist aware of this? Are you in individual counseling as well?
I would divorce his hateful @ss immediately. He is emotionally abusive and I don't think counseling can change that.
All of this! I am sorry to hear you are going through this abusive mental torture! I would run like hell!! Good luck with your future sessions with your therapist. You deserve someone so much better!
Your DH is messed up.
The more you improve your appearance the more he is going tear you down. He is already jealous of the fact that you can confidentally wear a bikini. If you make yourself look even better he is just going to find something else to insult you about because he wants you to be down in the dumps like he is.
He doesn't want you to be more physically attractive. He wants you to hate yourself just like he hates himself. If you were overweight and felt horrible about yourself I bet he would NOT be saying these things to you because then you would both be in the same boat.
You know the saying "Misery loves company"? It definitely applies in this situation. You need to schedule a private session with your therapist to talk about these issues before you go into things with your husband present.
He is deliberately degrading you and punishing you for something. His own insecurities? Maybe. But that remark about bikinis and his actions seem to be chock-full of not just insecurity, but anger, a desire to control you, and wanting you to feel ugly and bad about yourself so that you'll never think anyone (except maaaybe him, IF you work on your body) will want you.
In short, about as unhealthy a man as you can be with.
If you weren't already in counseling, I would say you should get there. But if his response to an exercise in trust and physical/emotional vulnerability is to lash out at you and degrade you like that, I very much doubt that you have much to work with.
I think you should be way, way more angry than you seem to be.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
This one really makes me angry. How dare he?!?! You say that you don't think he meant to be mean. Of course he did. He's a bully that pulls himself by putting you down. This is after you started counseling? Wow!
My DH tells me everyday I am beautiful and loves my size 8 body with plenty of stretch marks and saggy middle aged mother boobs. You deserve much better.
Next time it's your turn to explore each other get out your ruler and measure, then giggle.
After spending time with your spouse, you're supposed to feel loved, supported, cherished, and better about yourself. The opposite is happening here.
I'm overweight and my husband makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth. You deserve the same.
I am going to assume that his genitalia are still intact? If my H had said anything like that to me AFTER I got back to my pre-pregnancy size (hell even before), I would probably be typing this from prison or a court room.
I don't think he fully understands the concept behind these exercises and you definitely need to bring them up to your counselor. Are you in individual therapy? If not, you should look into it if only to help work through the damage his behavior has done to your self-esteem.
It is NOT unreasonable for you to want him to find you attractive right now. It IS unreasonable for him to be such an unmitigated jackass because your body isn't the same as before you were pregnant.
You don't marry a shallow man if you don't want a shallow husband.
And although I know you'll probably tell me "I wanted to get that plastic surgery", the decision to permanently change your features like that was based on his critique of you. Did you really think that someone like this would be falling all over your post-pregnancy body? Your PRE-pregnancy body wasn't good enough.
Get out of this marriage. No amount of counseling can fix dovche (credit: HS)
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
He sounds like an emotionally abusive @sshole.
He needs to stop or you need to get away from him.
You deserve better than that. Is his body perfect? Does he have flaws? Did he carry a child for 9 months?
Excuse me?
He asked you what???
He has always picked on you regarding appearance? I would like to know why you found it acceptable to continue dating somebody so rude, so unyielding and who treated you so unmeritably!
YOu're a size 4-6? I think that's pretty damn good! And not everybody can run or do marathons; you have quite an accomplishment there.
My advice: DUMP this guy. I can't understand why you want somebody like this to be a husband and a father.
BTW, I am willing to bet that he is no prize himself. Let's see his photo -- post one that is full length and recent -- and let US be the judge on what HE can do to pick up his appearance.
His entire line of thinking is AFU -- huh? first he mocks your appearance which apparently is spectacular -- and then he gives you this crap:
Run like hell; divorce this jerk.
This is also a very unhealthy household for your daughter. WOW...I wonder what he is going to tell HER as she is growing UP!!!!!!!!
This is emotional abuse and nothing more.
Where is he? I'd like to castrate him.