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Blended Families
And he lies again....
I am so tired of being lied to by my SS. Truly all I have known of him is his being a liar. I understand a certain amount of non-truth or omission is normal for a 16 year old but consistent lies and blatant disobedience are absolutely not acceptable to me.
Wednesday SS comes home famished and I ask if he ate at school. He says no because he was making up an exam at lunch and didn't get to eat. Fine, have some food and by the way can I see your report card please. He has an INC (incomplete), A, B, and C. Naturally I ask about the C because it was an A and the INC. Of course he has no idea what happened in either class.
I ask what class the test he made up was in and it was the one with the INC so I assume that is why he had the INC and will wait a few days and check online for the new grade.
DH emails teacher that evening asking about the INC and she says that he is missing an exam and that he had several opportunities to make it up but did not. I emailed her back saying he told us he made up an exam in that class on Wed and what would his grade be with the 0. Still a B, but the question now is about the lie.
I asked him more questions about it last night. Verified which class he took the lunch exam in. Same as the INC, did you sign in? yes. So you made up an exam in English, signed in so there is a record that you were there? Yes. Oh, but there was a sub so I don't know what she did with it. He likes to use this excuse for anything missing.
I called the school this morning to see if he was there on Wed. Of course he wasn't. He WAS there last week and there WAS a sub, but the questions are:
Why the heck did he lie to us about Wednesday?
What was the point?
What do we do about the lies lies lies?
I'm so sick of this...
Yes he is not doing drugs, or stealing cars but that does not make dishonesty acceptable.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: And he lies again....
When you figure it out, let me know.
We have had to institute a new homework policy because SS has not been doing his homework. He TELLS us that he does it while at school (that each teacher gives them time at the end of class to work on it). HOWEVER, we can go ONLINE and see what has been completed.
So on Wed, SS comes home last night and tells me that he did not write down his homework because he knew that I would have it, therefore it is not his fault that he did not bring home the worksheet (how would I have access to the worksheet handed out in class).
ON TOP of that, he did not turn in the math worksheet that we did on Wed. So we DO the work, but it still is incomplete.
And all of this was instituted because on Monday, he came home from school with a 100.9 fever. He actually TOOK the initiative and got his work from his teachers while I came to get him.
So after lunch (he slept all morning) I told him to work on his worksheet. An hour later, I go in to check on him and he is in bed playing his DS (if you are home from school you get no tv, no computer, no friends - but book and ds are ok). I ask about the homework and he tells me he did it.
I ask to review it.
He then tells me he didn't do it because he didn't bring home the book. I tell him that since he lied to me about doing his homework in the first place (I would have not been upset if he told me that he forgot the book, since he WAS actaully sick) there would be consequences, since I WILL NOT BE LIED TO.
SO THEN he tells me that he may have brought his book home, he just didnt' look hard enough and to let him make it up. I then ask him point blank said, since you just lied to me twice the consequnces will be coming home and doing the homework before ANY play time and that there will be 15 min of music practice period.
He does his little cry hissy-fit, but I ignore it and he goes off and does his homework, like he should.
Next day he comes home and says I am going outside. I look at him and say - NO, you are going to do your homework and scales like I told you.
He flips out - That wasn't the original agreement (originally he would get to play till 7, then do homework) and that he MADE UP the work, so all would be fair.
I calmly told him that the original agreement was broken when HE CHOSE TO LIE TWICE ABOUT DOING HIS HOMEWORK. Not only did he lie to me but I now cannot trust him when it comes to doing the home work.
He tries to call his dad. But chickens out when dad gets on the phone.
I still cannot believe that he lied, not once but twice. And the second was after I told him he would have consequences for lying to me in the first place.
Either they are stupid or just don't care
YEP.
DH had oral surgery yesterday and he wanted icecream (mind you we had three flavors in the freezer already). So as I was walking out the door I told him to ride SS' ass while I was gone.
SS will get into a habit if it kills me. (Thank god I am a SAHM right now).
I'm just at a loss. He just doesn't care. The only thing he cares about is his guitar and worship team. I would like to take him off for like 6 months or even a year peiord. . A liar, and that is what he is choosing to be right now, does not need to be up front being an example to people. I don't know if DH will go for that or not.
Hi leslie - welcome back. Hope you enjoyed your trip.
I remember someone on here posted that they have their kid interview people about the issue at hand. Have SS interview 10 - 20 people about liars, how they feel about them and so forth. I remember thinking it was a great idea. Set the questions yourself and have him fill in the answers and he looses his guitar and worship group privilages until the interviews are complete. Knowing how other view liars will open his eyes.
Actually check this with the other posters as it may border on humiliation - possibly i should go back and find that post.
First of all I don't think it borders on humiliation unless I make him wear a sign saying "I'm a liar - don't trust me" while he is doing it. Secondly, I had him interview 10 adults about trust a month ago after the last video game incident. I have talked to some of the interviewees and they have noted that he was just so nonchalant about it. Obviously it did not get through to him.
I also don't think a little embarrassment as consequence is bad for a kid.
So - all I can recommend is a lot of oversite on the grades, but it sounds like you're already trying to make that happen.
Maybe it was your post i read. Yea i remember thinking it was a really good idea.
I read this not sure if there is anything in it...
https://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Is-your-child-a-compulsive-liar-/19524
and this...
https://webhome.idirect.com/~readon/lies.html
hope it helps.
If he really enjoys his worship team, try to incorporate that somehow.
Have you talked to the adult leader?
The lying worries me. But it's mainly because I grew up with a liar, my little brother. He can't tell the truth to save his life and no one believes him anymore. Habitual liars scare me, especially since the whole Caylee Anthony mess.
Has he seen a psychologist? I don't want to be an alarmist but I think you should get someone to evaluate him to make sure the lying isn't a symptom of a larger problem.
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Honestly, with the punishments as severe as they are, I would try lying, too, if I thought I could get away with it.
Overall, he's a good kid, right? He acts responsibly, treats people well, other parents like him? I think you're expecting him to behave ALL the time, which just doesn't happen.
I've been reading parenting books like it's my job. (ha - it is, I guess.) Right now, I'm working on "How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too." It emphasizes cooperating with your children to redirect their behavior and so they choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing, not because they are scared of the punishment. Sal Severe (author) suggests that smaller punishments are more effective because they get the child to think about their misbehavior without feeling like their parents are angry with them or "trying to get even."
The musician in me cries at music practice being a form of punishment :-)
OTOH, if it works for him, rock with it.
Honestly, people respond when something they love is taken away. I'd be calling that church and letting them know that the next time I catch that kid in a lie, he is off of worship team until he can demonstrate 90 days of uninterrupted honesty. Stick to your guns. You're doing great.
If the punishment is unfair, he's not going to respect it.
Think of it like this - you and your DH agree on how much $ you can spend on a shopping trip. You overspend.
IF you think he's going to flip out on you and take away your CC and checkbook for one month, only allowing you access to them after he gives you permission, plus he makes you do a book report on a money management book, are you going to be tempted to hide your overspending?
OR, if you know he's going to be unhappy, but that you two can come to an agreement, for example, the next time you want to go to lunch with your girlfriends, you won't, as an exercise in restraint and so your budget isn't stretched too much, you're going to be much more likely to talk to him about the overspending instead of trying to hide it.
Does this make sense?
Have you asked him what he thinks of his punishments? Or asked for his help in figuring out what they should be?
I'm just looking at the info you've given and offering a different perspective. I've gone through the same thinking - if we make the punishment steeper, the behavior will stop all together, right? I'll never have to correct _____ again. Ha. There is no magic solution, otherwise someone would be getting rich selling it. I just think there is some logic to not over-punishing.
And, yes, we're adults. But, we should be old enough to know better, right? And if punishments get steeper as we age, then I'm all for beating our SOs with big sticks when they slip up.
I can't believe I am saying this but I kinda agree with J&A
What do you believe the root cause of his lying is? Is he lying to avoid punishment? That is my opinion based on what you have told us. I don't believe he is lying for the sake of lying, which would warrant a letter to the counselor.
Punishment is really the least effective form of discipline because its only a temporary fix, it only adresses what not to do. It also focuses on the parent being in control of the childs behavior, when you really want the child or teen in this case to control their own behavior properly.
You should ask yourself if you are using punishment as your main form of discipline, and if so I would try a new approach for a while and see if that works, because it doesn't seem the current approach is working very well.
That doesn't mean there are no consequences. If possible, consequences should be made known ahead of time, and they should (if not a natural consequence) be logically tied to the behavior. The limiting of the TV time I think is a logical consequence, but it was implemented as a punishment, you see what i mean? As an example, when he got good grades last year, what you could have done was lift the restriction as a reward for the good grades, provided that homework was completed nightly. Then, state that the consequence for bad grades next time would be removal of TV/game etc privledges. There you are shifting the responsibility for controlling his behavior onto him. So, in a nutshell: Take the focus off of punishment, lay out the consequence ahead of time, reward for good behavior.
I think that J&A has a great point. In one of my educational psych classes a while back they mentioned that many kids find it easier to follow "rules" when they help make them. They have part ownership in both creating the "rule" and the consequence for not following the "rule".
So, I would 1. talk to him and find out why he is lying, why it is he feels he can't/doesn't tell you the truth. 2. tell him that you want to trust him and the current situation is obviously not working so you need some input from him. 3. Discuss ground rules and then ask him what HE thinks the consequences should be. For example the first lie in a week consequence A will happen, lie 2 in a week consequence B and so forth. I think you need to limit it to a certain amount of time becase if it is a never ending period he isn't going to see how telling the truth is worth while. This way he almost starts fresh and is given a new chance and you can see progress. Also in this time when he DOES tell the truth about thins you need to recognize it. It gets very discouraging when only the negative is brought up over and over and over, as if the truth never counts (if that makes sense).
Again, I must be an evil mother. Because nothing you've described sounds severe. What are you supposed to do with a child you can't trust?
I don't know the answer either I guess. I just don't like the idea of playing equals or negotiating good behavior with a child, especially one who lies to your face.
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