Young Mom, 2nd Baby, New Dad...

2ndTimeMama · October 2010

normajeane6126:
2ndTimeMama:

For those still commenting on BCP.... WE PLANNED THIS BABY!! My ectopic was a failed BCP so I switched after that and we were religious with condoms as well. When you WANT to have a baby, it's not that hard.
I sincerely hope that no one who has ever dealt with infertility reads this. I just... I can't put into words how wrong this rubs me.

OMG totally didn't think about that!! I'm soooo sorry! It's not hard for those that don't have fertility problems. My very close friends are TTC very hard so I'm not really that insensitive I swear! That was a really unthoughtful comment.

vxs0038 · October 2010

I'm not sure if I should continue to answer this or not. I did not read this entire trainwreck, so I apoligize for not catching that. I just can't grasp how you by yourself with a GED will be able to support 2 small children. Diapers, day care, food, going to school, running a business, paying attention to your spouse/babydaddy/whatever, and most importantly, paying attention to yourself.

If you feel you have an idea of how you are going to do it, then good for you. I'm just glad you recoginze that NOTHING is forever. That's exactly the point I was trying to make.

Now that we have that out of the way. What are you wanting from us? What else can this board advise you with?

2ndTimeMama · October 2010

I think I'm cleared up on this issue thanks. Me and my SO are working on the nn thing even though DD doesn't seem to want to cooperate, and I've been talking to my old counselors (for school) to see if I can come and back possibly get involved in the university in my area through them.. I obviously wouldn't start a business until I was sure I had everything I needed to succeed. Banking/Accounting might be my Plan B.

Me and my EX still haven't talked but he's coming for a PO tomorrow so I'll have to discuss it with him them IN PERSON.

I'm assuming people will continue to comment on this board but I'm not watching it anymore... I'll probably post later on down the road in this forum or another. I enjoy the feedback when people aren't being total bitches.

vxs0038 · October 2010

2ndTimeMama:

I think I'm cleared up on this issue thanks. Me and my SO are working on the nn thing even though DD doesn't seem to want to cooperate, and I've been talking to my old counselors (for school) to see if I can come and back possibly get involved in the university in my area through them.. I obviously wouldn't start a business until I was sure I had everything I needed to succeed. Banking/Accounting might be my Plan B.

Me and my EX still haven't talked but he's coming for a PO tomorrow so I'll have to discuss it with him them IN PERSON.

I'm assuming people will continue to comment on this board but I'm not watching it anymore... I'll probably post later on down the road in this forum or another. I enjoy the feedback when people aren't being total bitches.

Again, good luck to you and to your babies. I wish for nothing but the best for those angels.

J&A2008 · October 2010

I don't know how I missed it the first dozen times: You don't post with a title of "Young Mom..." and then complain when everyone else mentions age unless you're just an AW.

Kristianne48 · October 2010

Wow. What a post. Everyone else touched on so many topics and they all hit it on the head. No real need to rehash all of that, as they are 100% correct, whether you like it or not.

The point that jumped out at me, is the fact that your ex was abusive, completely shattered you as an individual, and then this knight in shining armor swoops in and picked up all of your pieces. If you were in an abusive relationship, no one else should be "picking up your pieces". There are very deep reasons that you wound up where you did, and kudos to you for getting out. But, you need serious therapy to get to the root of the problems, and to deal with what happened to you.

Both emotional and physically abusive relationships take a deep toll on the partners of abusers. Self esteem is worn down, sense of options evaporates, self-care is compromised, and the power of choice is eroded. Partners of abusers may experience clinical depression, denial, chemical dependency, extreme codependency, and suicidal ideation or attempts. The abused partner frequently clings desperately to the abuser, and after they leave, cling desperately to anyone else willing to allow them too. Before you jumped into another relationship, you should have gone to therapy, figured out how and why you wound up where you did, and what you have to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. You have to figure out who you are, and how to live on your own, how to pick up your own pieces and support yourself. I know you are going to come back and declare that you already know all of that, and I am sure that you think you do. But until you are out in the real world all by yourself, no, you really don't.

I say this because I did exactly what you did for years. Was in an abusive relationship, got out and met someone else immediately, and never spent any time by myself, to figure out who I am and what I like. Once I finally did, I had a lot of surprises in store for me. I thank God I didn't have children through out that mess.

Find a therapist, and report back in about 6 months. I bet we won't all be rude, hurtful bitches then.

2ndTimeMama · October 2010

My SO and I didn't start dating for months after we met, he was mainly there as a friend (I had an AMAZING support system). My ex didn't physically abuse me, just mentally and emotionally, which I think was easier for me to come to terms with since I did go to counselling a lot as a child (I was early on diagnosed with a moderate-severe anxiety disorder which I like to think I've gotten mainly under control) so I had SOME tools back there to help me cope. But yes, I'm starting to think that maybe I should go back to counselling instead of coming on here and seeking information from people that don't know me at all.

Karma1969 · October 2010

normajeane6126:
2ndTimeMama:

For those still commenting on BCP.... WE PLANNED THIS BABY!! My ectopic was a failed BCP so I switched after that and we were religious with condoms as well. When you WANT to have a baby, it's not that hard.

I sincerely hope that no one who has ever dealt with infertility reads this. I just... I can't put into words how wrong this rubs me.

As someone who has infertility issues, I can say that I'm not surprised by the comment given the nature of the OP.

gosse1km · October 2010

aschleser:

I am 23 (just turned 23, actually - and am pregnant), now granted I am married for a few months now, but my DH is 30, will be 31 next month. I am a BSN prepared registered nurse, and he is a police officer. I was 18 when we met, and began helping to care for his daughter right away. We waited to get pregnant and married, etc, till I finished college - but still, according to the other posts - I'm too young and my DH is too old. See where it no longer makes sense to say those things?

When we met, his daughter had just turned 2, she's 6 now. She started calling me mommy not long after we got together, but look at it this way. I'm living with her father, feeding her, changing diapers, giving her a bath, reading bedtime stories, singing songs, playing games, and potty training her. The mother and father have every other week joint custody.

At first, her mom wasn't real happy about it, and once emma was older, explained that I was her "step" mom - but after a year or two, the mom began to realize that I would NEVER replace her, nor would I try, but that Emma did view me as a mother in the "motherly" role, so why couldn't she call me mommy?

I understand its wierd for a child to call a non-parent "mom" or "dad", but if that person is in a long term relationship (married OR NOT), then does it matter if thats how the child views them? Its different if that name is forced upon the child to spite someone, but honestly, a child sees things in their own way, so I don't see a problem with all of this.

For one thing, our situations are scary similiar, except I have a couple more years on you.

Secondly, It isn't just the OP's PHYSICAL age people are responding to, I think it's the obvious immaturity in her situation. You may have met your DH when you were 18 and helped raise his daughter, but you waited five years, and gained a good education with a stable job, before adding another baby KWIM?

Lastly, it probably isn't a good idea to refer to your SD by name. There are LOTS of freaks on the internet

2ndTimeMama · October 2010

gosse1km:

For one thing, our situations are scary similiar, except I have a couple more years on you.
Secondly, It isn't just the OP's PHYSICAL age people are responding to, I think it's the obvious immaturity in her situation. You may have met your DH when you were 18 and helped raise his daughter, but you waited five years, and gained a good education with a stable job, before adding another baby KWIM?
Lastly, it probably isn't a good idea to refer to your SD by name. There are LOTS of freaks on the internet

You are a giant hypocrite. You've been in here the whole time bashing me saying how immature I am, when you were in the same damn situation except for it wasn't YOUR kid. I came in here asking what I should do about my DD calling my SO "Dad" and how to deal with my ex..... and you, you COMPLETELY ignore that part, and just start bashing my immaturity. Why not help and try to make me a better person for my kids?

If you thought it was OK for this woman's BF's DD to be calling her "Mom" with the exception that she explained she was a "step-mom" then why didn't you say that, as she clearly stated they were not married at the time DD started calling her "Mom"? It would have made more sense for my SO to attempt something like that with my DD because we are having a child and it would be an easier transition when we do tie the knot.

I am in shock and awe that you would allow someone else's child to call you "Mom" and then find it inappropriate for that to happen in MY situation just because of my assumed maturity level. Which I presume you are wanting to keep of me because you refused to believe my previous apology was sincere and decided to mock me over it.

imoan · October 2010

There's this thing call birth control... you might want to check it out sometime.

mom2one · October 2010

Your daughter's father has her A LOT. You are talking 5 days out of every 14....that is a solid joint custody arrangement.

sabrina69barnes · October 2010

aschleser:

I understand its wierd for a child to call a non-parent "mom" or "dad", but if that person is in a long term relationship (married OR NOT), then does it matter if thats how the child views them? Its different if that name is forced upon the child to spite someone, but honestly, a child sees things in their own way, so I don't see a problem with all of this.

When we met with the GAL for DH to adopt DS he said something along these same lines. I don't think OP should be having her DD call her BF daddy but I think sometimes it's ok for a child to call a SP mom or dad.

gosse1km · October 2010

2ndTimeMama:

gosse1km:

For one thing, our situations are scary similiar, except I have a couple more years on you.

Secondly, It isn't just the OP's PHYSICAL age people are responding to, I think it's the obvious immaturity in her situation. You may have met your DH when you were 18 and helped raise his daughter, but you waited five years, and gained a good education with a stable job, before adding another baby KWIM?

Lastly, it probably isn't a good idea to refer to your SD by name. There are LOTS of freaks on the internet

You are a giant hypocrite. You've been in here the whole time bashing me saying how immature I am, when you were in the same damn situation except for it wasn't YOUR kid.Umm, no. I was 22 and had already graduated from college and moved 2600 miles away and was living on my own. Not the same thing at all. I said my situation was "similiar" to hers, not a copy. I came in here asking what I should do about my DD calling my SO "Dad" and how to deal with my ex..... and you, you COMPLETELY ignore that part, and just start bashing my immaturity. Why not help and try to make me a better person for my kids? I didn't ignore it at all. I said you have only been with new guy for 10 months, not long enough at all for that to be ok, PLUS the BF isn't ok with it, which means you shouldn't allow her to do it. YOu guys aren't married, he could walk out the door wth little to no effort TOMORROW. In my situation, my SD does call me mom, BUT that began after I had already been in her life for two years, DH and I were married, it had been explained to her several times who I am in her life, AND BM IS FINE WITH IT. Try again.

If you thought it was OK for this woman's BF's DD to be calling her "Mom" with the exception that she explained she was a "step-mom" then why didn't you say that, as she clearly stated they were not married at the time DD started calling her "Mom"? It would have made more sense for my SO to attempt something like that with my DD because we are having a child and it would be an easier transition when we do tie the knot. Because you SO ISN'T her step dad, he's your boyfriend. and once again the BF isn't ok with his daughter calling someone else dad. YOu having a child has nothing to do with what you DD is calling your SO.

I am in shock and awe that you would allow someone else's child to call you "Mom" and then find it inappropriate for that to happen in MY situation just because of my assumed maturity level. Not just your immaturity, your entire situation. Please see above. Which I presume you are wanting to keep of me because you refused to believe my previous apology was sincere and decided to mock me over it. I'm not sure what you are talking about on this last bit, but really, there are a hundred responses.

As for making you a better parent, well, all the advice from an internet stranger in the world can't do that unless you are willing to step back and take a realistic look at your situation.

mommydale · October 2010

Look, I have nothing against your age, My husband and I are about to have our 3rd in March and we are both 21. We planned this pregnancy before we were marrired. My daughter is from a previosu marriage, she started calling my husband daddy early in our relationship. And with us it was fine, with my ex husbands parents it was fine. The only person it wasn't ok with was my exhusband and his wife (whom they had taught my daughter to call mom). I didn't mind her being mom too. Even if they see her maybe 2 times a year if that. When his parents get her on weekends to spend time with her they don't tell her to tell Mommy and Ryan bye & to give Mommy & Ryan hugs and kisses, they tell her go give mommy and daddy hugs and kisses and tell them bye. If he has an issue with it, discuss it with him. Your ex sounds like a jerk and this is from personal experience as my exhusband now wants to give up rights to his daughter because he doesn't want to pay child support for a kid he doesn't care about or want to see. But your ex still sees his daughter. My concern is that he still lives with his parents and that they are influencing your daughter and with the comments they made, it concerns me they would be saying it in front of her. With a new baby coming make sure your daughter still knows she is loved and adored by both you and your boyfriend & if she tells her dad and he has a problem with you and your boyfriend having another child, well then someone needs to tell him to get the jolly green giant off of his shoulder!!! Envy and jealousy aren't going to change things! And from the sounds of it he was jealous that you were happy and thinking about starting a family with this new man in your life. But another thing if they don't get along, you need to look at them both and advise them, they are both a part of your little girls life and whether they like it or not they need to get along for her sake. And then you need to sit your ex down and explain, she was not coaxed into calling him dad, she just started and never stopped. If he still has an issue with it at least he knows that she wasn't coaxed in to it and she just sees this other man as a father figure also. My dad has a daughter from a previous relationship, when I got to have a relationship with her in high school and since, I also got to know her mom, my mom has never had an issue with me not calling my sister's mom by mrs. t*n**r or shell, I call her mom, I call my sisters grandparents on her moms side grandma and grandpa.My sister when she talks about my mom's parents its grandma and grandpa p. but my mom was never a mom to her, hers was a mom to me as well over the past few years. If that makes any sense. My daughter called my brother in law daddy for a long time too around the age your daughter is now. She may just be expressing that she understands men are dads.

Phantomgirl · October 2010

mommydale:
Look, I have nothing against your age, My husband and I are about to have our 3rd in March and we are both 21. We planned this pregnancy before we were marrired. My daughter is from a previosu marriage, she started calling my husband daddy early in our relationship. And with us it was fine, with my ex husbands parents it was fine. The only person it wasn't ok with was my exhusband and his wife (whom they had taught my daughter to call mom). I didn't mind her being mom too. Even if they see her maybe 2 times a year if that. When his parents get her on weekends to spend time with her they don't tell her to tell Mommy and Ryan bye & to give Mommy & Ryan hugs and kisses, they tell her go give mommy and daddy hugs and kisses and tell them bye. If he has an issue with it, discuss it with him. Your ex sounds like a jerk and this is from personal experience as my exhusband now wants to give up rights to his daughter because he doesn't want to pay child support for a kid he doesn't care about or want to see. But your ex still sees his daughter. My concern is that he still lives with his parents and that they are influencing your daughter and with the comments they made, it concerns me they would be saying it in front of her. With a new baby coming make sure your daughter still knows she is loved and adored by both you and your boyfriend & if she tells her dad and he has a problem with you and your boyfriend having another child, well then someone needs to tell him to get the jolly green giant off of his shoulder!!! Envy and jealousy aren't going to change things! And from the sounds of it he was jealous that you were happy and thinking about starting a family with this new man in your life. But another thing if they don't get along, you need to look at them both and advise them, they are both a part of your little girls life and whether they like it or not they need to get along for her sake. And then you need to sit your ex down and explain, she was not coaxed into calling him dad, she just started and never stopped. If he still has an issue with it at least he knows that she wasn't coaxed in to it and she just sees this other man as a father figure also. My dad has a daughter from a previous relationship, when I got to have a relationship with her in high school and since, I also got to know her mom, my mom has never had an issue with me not calling my sister's mom by mrs. t*n**r or shell, I call her mom, I call my sisters grandparents on her moms side grandma and grandpa.My sister when she talks about my mom's parents its grandma and grandpa p. but my mom was never a mom to her, hers was a mom to me as well over the past few years. If that makes any sense. My daughter called my brother in law daddy for a long time too around the age your daughter is now. She may just be expressing that she understands men are dads.

Good lord.

mommydale · October 2010

2ndTimeMama:
normajeane6126:
2ndTimeMama:

For those still commenting on BCP.... WE PLANNED THIS BABY!! My ectopic was a failed BCP so I switched after that and we were religious with condoms as well. When you WANT to have a baby, it's not that hard.

I sincerely hope that no one who has ever dealt with infertility reads this. I just... I can't put into words how wrong this rubs me.

OMG totally didn't think about that!! I'm soooo sorry! It's not hard for those that don't have fertility problems. My very close friends are TTC very hard so I'm not really that insensitive I swear! That was a really unthoughtful comment.

with us it was not a matter of infertility but a matter of my uterus (sp), its not easy for everyone to get pregnant sweetie. please keep that in mind. for some of us its not just as simple as doing it one time and bam we're pregnant, some of us it takes months even years to get pregnant. Don't assume infertility is the only thing that gives people trouble when ttc.

tsands · October 2010

All I could think of after reading this nightmare was how sorry I feel for the children trapped in all of this.

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