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Young Mom, 2nd Baby, New Dad...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Young Mom, 2nd Baby, New Dad...
No, your SO would be nothing legally to your daughter, especially if you did not get married. Only you and your ex may make any decisions or have a say in the upbringing of your daughter. If you were to pass away, your SO would have no rights to visit or be involved in your daughter's life.
If you were to marry your SO, he would have slightly more standing, but still no real rights in your daughter's life. You could possibly write a will requesting that your SO be allowed your rights of visitation, but that might not be upheld in your state. Unless your ex signs away all of his rights, your SO will never have legal standing in her life.
Seriously, talk to a lawyer. Forego Christmas presents, spend the money on solid legal advice
I have and always will believe that maturity does not equal age, but actions do.
And YOUR actions, not your age show a gigantic level of immaturity.
1) having a second oops pregnancy w/in 24 months - maturity means learning from your mistakes and not letting it happen again.
2) the whole 'daddy' thing - mature people are not only able to recognize that their actions can do harm, but empathize with the other people, EVEN IF they may not agree.
Just because YOU are kosher with your child calling someone else mamma, does not mean that your EX is wrong for HIS feelings. And the reality is, as her other parent he DOES get a say.
3) lying to children - the fact that you think lying about your child's parentage ("With a new baby coming, I really just think this is going to confuse and devastate my little girl".) is LESS confusing to your daughter shows a true lack of maturity. Being honest, while harder for YOU to explain, is always the grown-up way to go.
4) not knowing the laws that affect your plans is a huge indicator that you have a lot of growth to do - )"isn't it more of a legal hassle to get married if you have a child from a previous relationship?" ) and (We've talked about going to court to get joint custody of my daughter between the two of us, but we need money for a good lawyer first) I am not even Canadian, but even I know that a non married partner has almost no legal standing with the other partner's child OR that being married affects the CS.
But the fact that YOU haven't even looked at the legal ramifications ("I know I sure as hell didn't come here for that, but for support and researched information".) of your situation shows a HUGE amount of maturity.
So do not get upset with other people who are trying to point out the ramifications of YOUR decisions when you cannot do it yourself. BTW - there are a plethora of online sites that will help you navigate your issue (canada is really good at this). Again, the fact that YOU cannot do this yourself, but get pissy at people pointing out that grown ups do this work themselves, does not indicate YOUR maturity. Not ageism, but actions.
And it absolutely kills me that you can look up the Canadian Sex Statistics to DISPROVE someone, but cannot look up the Canadian Child Support or Non Married Legal Rights to HELP YOURSELF. A good parent would do the reverse.
5) Mature people think through all of the ramifications before they do things - so if your EX gave you a hard time during the last pregnancy, then you HAD to know that he would give you a hard time the next time you got knocked up, BUT you did it anyway - and are now complaining about it and asking how to fix it.
That does not sound like a mature person, age or not.
6) Finally, mature people take criticism and learn from it - especially when the same things are being said from a variety of women, all from different places in the world, their lives and their ages. If there is a consensus, then maybe you need to look at decisions.
I point all this out, because your immediate defensiveness over a percieved comment about your decision making overtook the actuall point of the comment.
Short - it is easier to blame our critisim on ageism, then for you to take responsibility for your own actions. If you really were as mature as you claim, you would have recognized the initial comment for what it was, a solution.
As for my solutions to your situation. If you really want to listen, then here goes.
First, stop letting your daughter call anyone else Daddy. Outside of the fact that you really DO NOT KNOW what your EX truly feels, it just is not the right thing to do to her in this situation.
Living with someone is not the same as being married. And your SO has no legal rights to your first child (your parents may not have been married, but your mother and father are legally recognized under Canadian Law as your parents so it is different).
Second, while you are correct that since the deed is done, recriminations are pointless, learning from past mistakes can and will only HELP you in the long run.
That means, do not get pregnant again. Getting your current life under control is not just for YOUR sake, but for the sake of your children. I mean, what was the point of getting that GED and new job, if you are not going to use them to their full potential?
So work hard at this job, set up a stable life for the kids you have.
Finally, work on your relationship with your EX. That does not mean give into his craziness. But it does mean reaching out to him and his parents. Would you really deny your daughter access to her grandparents?
All I have to say is the latter comments of this thread are what I meant by bluntness. People can still be blunt without being RUDE or bringing up AGE.
I was asking about the Daddy thing because I was not sure if it was right or not. I want to fix things BEFORE my second child gets here, straighten everything out so I'm not working on a miserable two year old and a newborn. If we have to come up with Nicknames like someone suggested I think that would be a great idea and my little girl could catch on quite quickly to that.
The BF has a court order to see LO a min. of 2 weekends a month (in Canada they can regulate visits if the other parent, in this case the BF, isn't fit to be with her all the time) and he makes excuses on those weekends as is. I'm not using that as an excuse, but I'm using that to explain why me and my SO want custody. It's really more of me wanting the Guardianship. You guys all keep mentioning that my SO won't get legal rights unless the BF gives his up, which he is very close to doing at this point so I'd appreciate it if you all would stop commenting about how I just want to take LO away from him, because HE DOESN'T WANT HER! He never did...
I've tried approaching both him and his parents but it seems like every time I try, it's a moot point. He always has something else going on where he can't sit down for 10 mins with me, and his parents think I'm psycho mainly because he feeds them lies (which I found out at the "Daddy" mishap) and now the "Daddy" thing on top of it. I would understand why they were upset, I just think it would have been a more responsible thing to get the BF to talk to me about it, since he'd known she called him that for awhile and never said anything or cared.
I am going to say SORRY for getting immediately defensive, I AM pregnant and emotional and hate when people automatically assume that I fucked up just because I'm young and I'm preggo. I WANTED this baby. My SO wanted this baby, and we are both very excited, and understanding of the consequences if we DO break up. We've talked about what would happen with my DD if we were to ever break up, and since I have full custody, he asked if he would still be able to see her, which I told him is fine because he's good with her and she absolutely ADORES him.
So what I've learned from this:
1) People automatically assumes Blunt = Rude
2) There are HEPLFUL people in this world
3) I need to adjust my DDs way of looking at my SO
4) Apparently I'm still very immature and have lots of growing up to do
5) I need to get married?
And to reply on why I haven't looked up any information, I went to a school aimed at young adults with children, so I got all of the possible information I could have needed from them. If I want MORE information, I would either have to go and pay to talk to a lawyer (which I can't afford ATM) or come online and speak with people who have been through the same thing, or something similar that I have.
Once again I appreciate the information ladies.
https://tinyurl.com/39ckf3b
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
Have you come across many people in life or online who know your story and have said congratulations, well done, you are on the right track here?
You are not on the right track at all and that is what people are trying to tell you. At 20 everyone thinks they know it all and have all the answers - that alone is a sign of immaturity. I am terribly sad for you that your parents are happy about your current situation.
It is very sad to see a young girl like you thinking that this a good situation, and honestly it speaks volumes about your life expectations and self esteem. You WILL come to see that in time.
It is perfectly normal to want a baby with your SO. DH and I want kids together and can't wait to have a child that is part me/ part him and be a family. That is why we are planning for it and working towards it. It becomes abnormal when you feel you 'need' a baby to be a happy family. No child should be born with a job or a role to play. You and SO are so young and have your entire lives ahead of you, why the rush?
The statistics are not good for you, in fact your relationship has about 0% chance of lasting. And you know what I genuinely hope to god that just this once I am wrong and, for the sake of your two innocent children, you are the exception to the rule.
There is no need to reply and tell me I am wrong and you know it all, I already expect that immature response from you.
In regards to your questions, picking a nickname is a great idea. Legally your SO cannot adopt your DD without your ex consent. Even then it is a long drawn out procedure and an attorney will be required
As for your ex parents, ignor them. Do not go over there, if you ex wants to see his DD he can come and collect her. Do not stop him seeing her but that does not require you to pander to his needs.
Good luck with this pregnancy, I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months.
WOW, this has gone on and on. I believe you do need a reality check, you are young, you do need some major growing up to do, it's not a bad thing. Admit it and deal. I'm 24, had my first at 16, second at 19. I had alot of growing up to do, and sure having a child forces you to do just that but sometimes not enough. Now I'm seperated from their dad, have been for over 3 years and he's with someone new with 2 new children and a step child. And I am marrried (this august) with two step children. And a baby on the way. My husband is 15 years old than me. Now point is, you have made a mistake, you shouldn't have got pregnant until you knew the man right, had the means to be married and then tried for a family. But you didn't so to late for that. So your pregnant, if your happy congratulations. Now friggin come to terms with everything else. If you love him and he loves you, commit. Marry and bring this baby into the world right. With the already existing child, she has no idea what's right or wrong unless her parents teach her. Calling your new guy daddy is WRONG. It's painful for the other parent, and it's confusing for the child. It's way to early. In the future a possibility but not just yet. I can see the parents being upset, how they went off was wrong but being upset was justified. With the ex, it's not his business whether you are pregnant or not. Avoid problems don't go do exchanges alone. Bring husband, or friend, or relative. If you rely on child support to raise your child, that's dumb. Child support is only there to help. Sure he should pay but sometimes it doesn't happen. I haven't received one child support payment from my ex. He should pay and often has the means but I can't bother to fight constantly with him. My kids have a good home with me, I've always managed to provide for them on my own. They have a good home with their dad. Now that's all that matters. And if you need that money that bad, then that's another reason you shouldn't have got pregnant.
Norma I am impressed, go you.
Do Canadians have the saying "you learn something new everyday?" I guess if you're impervious to learning, age really doesn't matter.
But for those of us who've learned important lessons with every passing day, we appreciate and value the knowledge and wisdom that comes with getting older. I hope someday you can look back and be thankful for the years you've had on earth to grow smarter and stronger. I don't believe this view makes me "ageist" or any other derogatory term your brain can muster.
I think you got many thoughtful and detailed responses of what you should be considering. Please reread them with a view towards expanding your own mind and with an willingness to consider a different point of view than your own. You might learn something.
If you dd this there will be many angry women cursing your name. Please don't. It seems like you go the message loud & clear about the whold daddy situation. Your dd is still very young & will not remember this so that is a good thing. Have fun coming up with a nickname.
I got kicked out of my house a month after I turned 18 & for lack of a place to go I moved in with my then boyfriend who had a 2 month old baby. The mom was non-existant so I essentially became a mom at 18. 2 years later I "had an oopsie." I KNOW what it is like to be a mom of 2 at 20 years old. You will need to grow some big girl panties NOW because life if about to get hard. It will be hard for financial reasons, hard because they are so close in age and hard because life will just be stressful & busy. I know what it feels like to be standing in line at the grocery store getting judgmental looks simply because I am young with 2 kids. Little do they know I am an awsome mom. Too bad for them. Society will not change so you will need to grow a tough skin. Obviously my relationship did not work out. I understood that people grow & mature as they go through life, little did I know my (then) fiance was unwilling to grow & mature with me. It sounds like you are starting to get financially set which is good. Stay on that track & be willing to take advice from people who have been there. I wish I had know about the bump back then. I probably wouldn't have wasted so much time with my ex had I had someone give it to me bluntly. Good luck.
I know what common-law is. My parent`s have lived as common-law my whole life. Stop being a *** because I know how to use Google. Also, if you looked at ANY of those sites, if you want LEGAL ADVICE, you need to PAY. Just as I said before. Get your head out of your ass and try to be USEFUL please.
I`m not going to DD this because I WANT the information. It`s nice seeing people that have been through my situation tell it like it is. Obviously I`m not going to believe I made a "mistake" in getting pregnant this time, because we did actually try, and foolish as it may have been, we're going to try our best. In the end, I will have 2 wonderful children that will be mine no matter what and I know I would NEVER resent them later in life because it was always my decision to keep them and not give them up for adoption or have an abortion (I hate just looking at that word).
This time because I actually have the financial support I need (that's right, I'm NOT a struggling young mom, thank god!) and the emotional support to back me through the hard times, I'm HOPING, yes hoping because I know nothing is guaranteed, that we work out better then me and my ex.
Do you think it would be appropriate to get a family member to drop my DD off at my ex's place (also his parent's house) IF I have to go there? I wouldn't mind meeting him somewhere else alone because I know I could deal with just him, but he doesn't have a car of his own so he can't always meet me.
Family member... maybe. It is again really going to depend on the people in yours and ex's life, and if ex's family really is BSC, I wouldn't want my family involved.
As for a meeting spot, on neutral grounds, thats a great idea and many people do it. You can even use a local police station, JIC some sort of issue should arise with him. As for unreliable transportation... I'm assuming they have public transit where you live? (don't know how rural/urban). ?If he agrees to a neutral location, it is his responsibility to show up. If he wants to see his child, he will find a way.
?
Um, isn't this an even bigger train-wreck than OP...if that's possible? And then she goes on and preaches about maturity and gives advice...LOL
Your little girl will only be devestated to hear that your boyfriend isn't her father because you've encouraged it by referring to him as Daddy. The only thing that will upset her about learning that he isn't her daddy is that she'll be confused because she'll feel like you've lied to her by also calling him Daddy.
Her father is NOT the bad guy here by telling his daughter the truth about your boyfriend.
::dies::
OMG. I think I just peed myself a little.
You want blunt? Here goes.
Its called birth control. Invest in some. And so help me if you start yammering about missed pills or broken condoms.
I am glad you got your GED. Now work on getting an education and a job so that you can teach your children a real adult does not mooch off of someone else.
Assuming this is not MUD, you are a real mess. Get your act together.
First...don't ask for us to be blunt and then get mad that these ladies were blunt.
Second...No. your SO does NOT get rights to your daughter unless he adopts her, which he cannot do unless your ex gives up his parental rights.
Third....Moving in with and getting KU by a guy you've known less than a year is NOT doing what's best for your daughter. Allowing her to call him Daddy is also not in her best interest (especially since she HAS a relationship with her bio-dad).
You wanted us to tell you how to hide your pregnancy from your ex: You don't. You be mature and honest when the time comes to tell him (usually about 12 weeks or after). He has a right to know as it does affect his daughter.
You wanted us to tell you it was okay to have your DD call your SO "Daddy". It's not. Cut that chit out right now. It's not fair to her real dad and it's harmful to the relationship she has with him. He's expressed that he is upset/offended by it and wants it to stop. Be mature and respect that. Find something else for your DD to call your boyfriend of 10months.
I'm going to ignore this post completely because obviously you didn't read the rest of the board.
Let me see if I've got this right? You don't want to drop your DD off at your ex's (his parents) because you have issues with his parents. But you expect him to meet up with some of your family? You had a child with him. This is one of the consequences. Be an adult, suck it up and deal with somone you don't like. For the sake of your child...
Is there a pick up/drop off location in your co? If so he doesn't have to agree to anything other than that. If not, then I guess that's for the two of you to hash out.
No, I will drop her off if he is there to meet me, but sometimes he isn't for whatever reason. So I was asking if it would be appropriate for someone in my family to drop her off during those times so I don't have to deal with being put down and called names in front of my DD. I understand they may not like me, but IMO it's completely inappropriate to call someone out or put someone down in front of their child.
If her biological father is such a horrible POS, then you need to go back to court and have him give up his rights-since you said he doesn't want her anyway. Then, when you get married, your SO can adopt her-and likely not before. Be prepared for the court to say, no, he cannot give up his rights, until there is another person to sign for them-meaning your husband. They will want you to be in a legal (and not common law) marriage.
Since none of the above is likely to happen. Arrange for a neutral meeting location, preferably a police station. If he won't agree to it, take him to court and insist upon it, as you don't feel safe being around him.
I hope that you read with seriousness what Illumine wrote. It is all very very true. What you see as rude, is really honesty, and while you may not want to hear it, it is important that you do, and that you use this experience to better yourself and your life. If not for you, then for your children.
Im confused in your original post you were complaining because your daughters father is supposed to pay you $190 a month in CS but that its not enough for diapers, food, rent, etc. and now you say your NOT a struggling young mom? And that your BF has helped you financially to go get your GED and get off welfare. Relying on your boyfriend for financial stability is not a wise choice. You have a GED go back to school so you can get a good job and not have to rely on someone to take care of you and your children.
I can easily support myself and my DD, but when I was with my ex, I was supporting both of us (me+DD), AND him. What I mean by financial support is that it's nice to not have to pay for EVERYTHING on your own. We aren't struggling because he puts his 2 cents in too. In my original post I was more so complaining that he only has to pay me $190/month, which is barely enough for all that stuff, and he STILL makes up excuses not to pay me. Sorry if that didn't come out clear but I agree with the fact that people should only depend on themselves for financial means.
I have also been looking into going back to school for either Banking/Accounting or I want to start my own business (possibly a welding shop or landscaping business of sorts) I'm just waiting until new baby is here so I can get back into the program that helped get my GED since they have a really good child care system as well.
One more time,
::headdesk::
I seriously hope this is MUD or an AE or something.
I was actually going to attempt to give you some more advice, but it's become clear by your responses and tone you aren't actually absorbing anything the ladies are typing.
So here's what you seem to want:
You know everything and have made all the right decisions. We are just mean old ladies sent by "the man" to bring you down. Going to school, starting a business and raising 2 under 2 is SUPER easy. Since man #2 is way better than man #1 it makes perfect sense to bring another child into the world, especially when you still have so much drama going on with your other little one. It's silly to think your daughter might actually benefit from some extra attention, rather than having to compete with a new baby from the "good" daddy. Speaking of that, let her call the new guy Daddy. You can just explain to her the title doesn't mean anything since men come and go, that way she can form really healthy relationships as an adult. You're a fully mature adult, because the law says so and you make babies according to said law. You're a brilliant family planner with a bright future.
Oh, and congratulations.
Ok no idea WHERE that came from... I was actually being serious. There is no way to please you is there? Too bad THAT doesn't matter... I AM listening to what people are telling me. They say go back to school and get an education, so I say I've been looking into it and apparently I'm not absorbing? They say it's wrong for my DD to call my SO dad so I talk to him about trying out nicknames but yet I've taken in nothing? My DD will be almost 3 when my new baby is born, so therefore I don't qualify as 2 under 2, and I was in school with a NB at 18, good thing the school I went to has an adjoined daycare where I could run over and nurse my DD at any time eh? Wonder why I would want to go back there when my 2nd one is born.......... Seriously, I'm taking advice from people and although I don't post in here EXACTLY EVERYTHING that is going through my mind, I've learned quite a bit from my bash-fest.
PS. I have NO IDEA what MUD or AE mean!!!
Wow. Ok thank you. No, this is not MUD. This is real.
Sorry scanning through being nosey, and the above remark wasn't cool at all. Just had to mention it.
totally agree with this pp. so I'm leaving now. Bye and Good Luck to you!
I am 23 (just turned 23, actually - and am pregnant), now granted I am married for a few months now, but my DH is 30, will be 31 next month. I am a BSN prepared registered nurse, and he is a police officer. I was 18 when we met, and began helping to care for his daughter right away. We waited to get pregnant and married, etc, till I finished college - but still, according to the other posts - I'm too young and my DH is too old. See where it no longer makes sense to say those things?
When we met, his daughter had just turned 2, she's 6 now. She started calling me mommy not long after we got together, but look at it this way. I'm living with her father, feeding her, changing diapers, giving her a bath, reading bedtime stories, singing songs, playing games, and potty training her. The mother and father have every other week joint custody.
At first, her mom wasn't real happy about it, and once emma was older, explained that I was her "step" mom - but after a year or two, the mom began to realize that I would NEVER replace her, nor would I try, but that Emma did view me as a mother in the "motherly" role, so why couldn't she call me mommy?
I understand its wierd for a child to call a non-parent "mom" or "dad", but if that person is in a long term relationship (married OR NOT), then does it matter if thats how the child views them? Its different if that name is forced upon the child to spite someone, but honestly, a child sees things in their own way, so I don't see a problem with all of this.
OMG CLOSE YOUR EFFING LEGS AND STOP GETTING PREGNANT!!!
Hey, you wanted blunt.
How on earth did you carry an ectopic pregnancy to 16 weeks? Were you receiving any prenatal care?
Did you rupture a fallopian tube?
Have you seen your doctor yet on this one? They'll be wanting to monitor your HGC levels from the get-go to ensure that they're increasing correctly (which they won't with another ectopic). My ectopic showed on the u/s in as little time as a week after I missed my period and tested pregnant (they were looking for it because of my HGC levels).
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Answer me this ? - You are not a struggling mom NOW, thank God. But if your boyfriend leaves you, will you be?
You should never bring babies into this world without having the means to support them YOURSELF. In the end you are right...they are YOUR babies, YOU will end up dealing with them.
As far as the name goes, MH and I have has sole custody of SS for 4 years now and I have been in his life for 7. He does NOT call me mom. He knows what I do for him are motherly duties, I will never replace his mother. I get all the acknowledgements and props from him without him calling me mom. I know where I stand in his life. he tells me he loves me and that I am doing a wonderful job as his STEPMOTHER.
Good luck to you and to your babies.
I didn't carry my Ectopic to 16 weeks....? I carried to I think 4 1/2 weeks and a week and a half after I found out I was pregnant I had surgery to have it removed. No I did not rupture THANK GOD, but it was still a miserable time for both me and my SO
If you read further on I explain that I am capable of supporting me and my DD and once this new baby is born I would be able to support them as well. I believe in never relying on another person for financial security because NOTHING is forever.. Whether it be accidental death, a break up or whatever else, nothing is a sure thing.
For those still commenting on BCP.... WE PLANNED THIS BABY!! My ectopic was a failed BCP so I switched after that and we were religious with condoms as well. When you WANT to have a baby, it's not that hard.
I didn't carry my Ectopic to 16 weeks....? I carried to I think 4 1/2 weeks and a week and a half after I found out I was pregnant I had surgery to have it removed. No I did not rupture THANK GOD, but it was still a miserable time for both me and my SO
If you read further on I explain that I am capable of supporting me and my DD and once this new baby is born I would be able to support them as well. I believe in never relying on another person for financial security because NOTHING is forever.. Whether it be accidental death, a break up or whatever else, nothing is a sure thing.
For those still commenting on BCP.... WE PLANNED THIS BABY!! My ectopic was a failed BCP so I switched after that and we were religious with condoms as well. When you WANT to have a baby, it's not that hard.
I sincerely hope that no one who has ever dealt with infertility reads this. I just... I can't put into words how wrong this rubs me.
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011