Need some advice...

jennydmitchell · October 2010

So, I'm not really the type of person that's looking forward to a lot of family being around to help after the LO's arrive. It may be my own pride, but I feel like I'd rather figure things out for myself instead of having my mom, grandmother and MIL around telling me what to do. It also may be my naivete because I have no idea what's in store having to newborns at the same time (heck, I don't even know what it's like having one newborn!).

My relationship with my mother has not been good the past couple of years until she found out I was pregnant. I was "disowned" by my parents a couple of years ago because they didn't like my boyfriend/now husband. They did and said a lot of awful things about/to both of us, and the wounds are still raw. While my dad isn't really seeking reconciliation, my mom seems to be, but not really saying sorry for everything that's happened. In other words, it just seems kind of fake. I know she wants to get on our good side so she can have a relationship with the twins, and while it's easier for me to look past all the crap she's done because she's my mom, it is not the same for my husband. My mother clearly thinks she's going to be spending a lot of time with the babies and my husband has pretty much said my mother isn't allowed any more face time with them than his mom is. Now, I am thankful for my MIL because she helped me a lot after my parents kicked me out. I lived with her for a good year and a half. But I don't want her around. She is much older (same age as my grandmother) and not really capable of doing the same things my would be able to do. And, I mean, she's just not my mom.

I don't know what to do. I dread having to explain to my parents that they can't see the babies unless they really change their attitudes toward my husband...I've never been good with boundaries. So there's that aspect of it, and then there's also the aspect that I just plain don't want all kinds of people around all the time!...I'm very exclusive I guess. I just want my little family and I don't want everyone else to interfere, but unfortunately we live only about 20 minutes away from both sides of the family.

This pregnancy has been so stressful. My husband and I are both still in college, living off of financial aid. He's planning on starting grad school next year and I guess I'm going to have to go find a job. I just feel like I can't take much more or I'm going to bust!

Any advice you have for me will be greatly appreciated

babydontforget · October 2010

I guess I'd advise you to spend some time thinking about what kind of relationship you want to have with your parents. From your post it sounds like part of you wants a relationship with them and the other part of you does not; I think you just need some more time to figure out exactly what you want, so that you can then set boundaries that are right for you and healthy for your family. Don't let your pregnancy and the birth of your twins dictate the timeline on which you decide this--that's way too much pressure, at a time when stress is the last thing you need. You say there are wounds? Trying to get them to heal by any schedule other than that which comes naturally in your heart won't work.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist, to talk all this stuff out? I'm a big believer in the value of talk therapy.

txdaisygal · October 2010

I agree with the pp re: your relationship with your parents. But about the "help" around the house...don't assume that family will be a certain way. Almost all my assumptions of how my family would "help" after the twins arrived did not come true. My family has been GREAT...but they have been great because they've just let us discover our parenting style and haven't tried to instruct us - which is exactly what I was worried would happen. They just want to be grandparents - to snuggle the babies and babysit when we need a night out and just have fun with them and spoil them. They help out a lot, and sure they give tips every now and then, but they don't try to boss us around. I think that one of the reasons for this is that DH and I have tried to be pretty assertive and confident about our decisions. We don't second guess ourselves that much in front of our parents, and therefore they probably feel like we have everything under control.

amanda31H · October 2010

1. You need to decide what kind of relationship you want with your parents. But this will only be successful if DH and you are on the same page. My husband and I are a team, so we always work stuff out to where we both agree and go from there.

2. The "help" part is tricky. Some people that I thought would be helpful weren't at all. My MIL is a very sweet person, a kindergarten teacher, and great with kids. She was not helpful AT ALL. She stayed with me for a few days in the first couple of weeks. She basically wanted to hold the babies all the time, but only if they weren't crying. It was hard for me b/c I needed that time to bond with my babies, and the help I really needed was with stuff around the house, food, etc. My sister (who has no children) was a HUGE help, and handled the babies much better.

lkates921 · October 2010

i somewhat understand what you're going through...my relationship with my mother isn't that great either and she wants to see the babies all the time and it's been so hard for me because i feel like why should you get this wonderful reward after all of the horrible things you have said/done to me so it's been difficult but it's getting better as time goes on and she's been a wonderful babysitter to my girls so there really hasn't been any kind of drama there like i thought there would be.

i agree with other pp that you need to decide what you want and need and then set some boundries. I too was worried that my family and husband's family would not leave me alone and want to come over all the time and in reality no one has come over they only see them when i bring them to the family. my husband went back to work the next day after we brought them home and i've pretty much been on my own and i'm loving it! and to be honest these are my first babies that i've taken care of and all that and i'm 21 years old and i have almost never needed help with them i was so afraid of taking care of them on my own and then i felt so silly for feeling that way. i spent the night in the hospital with them the night before they came home (they were in the NICU for 11 days) and i was almost throwing up the whole car ride to the hospital because i was so nervous but as soon as they put us in our room and shut the door i was like I GOT THIS! and that was pretty much it!

i say if you want time to bond with your babies without your family "instructing" you on what to do then do it! tell everyone that if you need help you'll call and ask or something along those lines and you just want to get to know them on your own! i honestly have not put any bad blood between my family members because i want my girls to have a relationship with them. i just kind of feel like it's not my say if they do or don't. Now if they do something to ruin that relationship then that's not my fault. I don't want to feel like it's MY fault that I prevented them from having a relationship...I know it's hard but maybe you should think of it that way? i have an extremely close relationship with my grandmother i love her dearly and i wouldn't want to take that away from my girls even though in my head i think my mother is crazy...

and i totally understand how you feel about wanting to be exclusive because i'm pretty much the same way most of the time...i wish you luck! because i know how stressful and hard it can be! but i know that you can do it! God gave you twins because you're strong! find your strength and work up the courage to talk to your family! good luck with the rest of your pregnany and with your precious babies!!

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