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Attachment Parenting
Quazel
member
I need marital advice
Quazel
member
There is some TMI in here, I am sorry.
A week and a half ago, DH told me that he had an extremely bad bloody toilet incident a week prior. It had been on my birthday so he hadn't wanted to scare me. He said he had never seen anything like it and he has had hemorrhoid problems before. He is 39 so his first colonoscopy should be next year. However, his father has had colon cancer twice, the first time before he was 50 so DH could have been going already.
He wanted to research doctors. I asked him to make an appointment with our GP to get a referral, he didn't. So I offered to do it and he was fine with it. He just texted me that he canceled tomorrow's appointment for the referral because he hasn't had time to research. He then went on to say it was probably a hemorrhoid issue since nothing else has happened and he would do it in a few months, I am overreacting. I said there is no reason to wait, better to overreact then under react, just get it done for DS. He needs it soon anyway so now is the time
Here is his response:
I will set it up when I'm ready and it will be done before my next birthday. Don't bring it up again.
His birthday is at the end of June. I know he is scared but this needs to be done now. I will try to talk to him tonight, I know it will start a fight. I can say things like he needs to do it for DS and me but I don't know what else to say. I can tell his parents and they will put a ton of pressure on him but I really don't want to drag them into it. Please help me come up with things to say. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need marital advice
DH had blood in his stool for months before he mentioned in to me. I was so pissed that he kept it from me. He said he didn't want to worry me and thought it would go away on it's own. I might have overreacted but my best friend who is our age (25) had cancerous polyps and they told her she was lucky that they found them so early. I straight up cried
and made him promise me he'd get it checked out as soon as possible. He did. Luckily they found out it was just internal hemorrhoids. They told him to up his fiber intake and drink plenty of water. He's been much better ever since and he said that the check up was no big deal. His words were "Eh, I got over it. I mean it was kind of uncomfortable but better to know than not know."
I really hope everything turns out ok. ::hugs::
i think you may have tried the guilt route(which I would have used too, so don't take offense) and it hasn't worked so just try to appeal to his fears and tell him you want to understand him and respect his feelings, but that you think it is something more pressing than next june. If anything, remind him that he has a family that will be there no matter what, and that they just need him to take the steps he has to do on his own with a doctor, so that they can either stop worrying, or come up with a plan to deal with whatever is wrong.
I am sorry you are going through this. my husband, like many, is super stubborn about certain things, and I know as soon as I start pushing, he just builds a wall and there is no rule, other than some time, as to what will get us past it but obviously this issue is serious enough that you still have to try.
good luck
I think that sensitively telling him that you're really worried & that he basically has to take his family into consideration here is not negotiable. He's scared so say it in the nicest but firmest way possible. Maybe say something like "I know you're scared & this is an embarassing problem, but you have a wife & child to think about here & this could be serious."
If he still shuts you out, I would follow Fred's advice about bringing in a counselor. I'm not a fan of the telling his parents route though.
Every couple has their own dynamic, so I can only speak from my own experience. I am the one with lots of health problems and DH is the one who scares me into getting to a doctor and not using any more excuses. I have gotten A LOT better at taking care of myself now that I have DD (because I know that I have to be healthy to be a good mother), but before she was born, I basically had to be kicked in the arse to do anything about chronic health problems. It's pathetic to admit, but without my DH's insistence, I am not sure if I would have been as on top of things. So, given that experience, I would say, just keep nudging.
As for the issue he is experiencing itself, there are so many other possibilities besides colon cancer and getting checked out now could save him so much discomfort and pain. I have had to have a colonoscopy every 2-3 years since I was 19 because I was diagnosed with colitis. While a colonoscopy is uncomfortable as all heck and while there are always a million reasons not to schedule one (like when I was still nursing DD and didn't want to have to pump & dump milk and be forced not to nurse her at all for a 24-hour period due to the procedure), the information gained from one is SO helpful. My doctor is able to tweak my medications or tell me everything is stable and the issues I'm having are temporary or whatever it is, but it's information, as opposed to the vast unknown.
I get that your DH is probably scared to hear the worst, but there are so many other possible outcomes. And even if the news isn't great, doesn't he owe it to you and your child to take care of himself and get treatment for something before it's too late?
(Sorry this was so long. My health is something DH and I have had numerous fights about and I recognize that it's usually because of my own cowardice.)
First off, DH has had a couple of different "blood in the toilet" incidents. The first time around, he ended up getting diagnosed with colitis. He is on meds that he has to take every day. The next time, it ended up to be hemmorhoids. So, it could really be something relatively minor.
That being said, he shouldn't be shutting you out like that. The argument that your LO should be able to grow up knowing his father is certainly a valid one. Also, i'd bring up "how would you feel if i found a lump in my breast and refused to get it checked out?" Maybe he really needs to be put in your shoes and think of how he's making you feel. Or really try to get him to imagine how he would feel if he waits to get it checked it out and it is really something as serious as cancer... how would he feel knowing that it could have been caught earlier?
Ugh, good luck. I know how stressful this is. My DH is stubborn too.
My sister was diagnosed with colon cancer at the young age of 28. The only family history we have is my maternal grandmother. HE MUST BE CHECKED NOW!!! I had to get colonoscopy since I was 24 because of my older sister being diagnosed. I had 3 polyps at age 24. I have no idea why people are so scared of a colonoscopy because it is no big deal. The worst part is cleaning out your bowels. But I am telling you....convince him to go and go NOW. If he has blood within his poop it very much needs to be looked at immediately. I think that if blood is only when you wipe or around the poop, it could be a hemoroid.
Seriously...the test is no big deal. You can't feel a thing and the doctor that does it has seen so many guys rearends...he could care less about the "camera going up" the rear.
Please, please, please do your best with encouraging him to go.
This would not work for me.
If he's afraid of the procedure, the prep beforehand is the worst part.
If he's afraid that the results will show cancer, let him know that colon cancer is one of the slowest growing cancers and when found early has a great cure rate. But it has to be found early. Also, if it is the worst (cancer), it WILL be discovered, one way or another, so he needs to take responsibility for his health and his family's well being and just GET THE COLONOSCOPY!
My friend's husband is currently undergoing treatment for colon cancer- he's 35. They've had to be really aggressive in his treatment, and there are still no guarantees. They have a 2yo son, and were planning on trying for another before they found out about this- because of his radiation and chemo treatments, his dr's have suggested that they do not TTC, b/c the chances of his swimmers being normal is nil, and any pgcy would either result in m/c, stillbirth, or severe birth defects.
Tell him that as much as you know he's scared, and you are too, avoiding it isn't going to do anything but make both of you worry more, give you absolutely no answers, cause tension, and if there is something wrong, heaven forbid, give it just that much more time to get worse. Cancer can spread like wildfire- it's nothing to fool around with.